repeat of the past

[usagi]

Hello BPD family!

It's been a little while since my last post.  Things have been going quite well actually.  We are in the midst of a move to a new apartment and have been able to spend some quality time together.  We even went on a little vacation for a few days to the beach and were able to really connect.

My partner is in between jobs at the moment, sort of.  She's starting work at a new place and working part time when she's available to help them get more organized.  The rest of the time she's working on moving things from our current place to the apartment.  Yesterday during the day she offered to stop by my VRBO that I'm using as an office space because she was passing by.  I said that I would love to see her but didn't have a lot of time because I was under the gun to get some work done.  Later that day I went to do my hobby like I've been doing regularly for the past few months.  On my way out the door one of my friends asked about a bottle of whiskey that was in the corner.  I explained that I brought that in because I was just trying to cut down on the amount of booze in our house.  He asked if he could have some and I said sure.  Then he offered me a drink and I accepted.

When I got home my partner could smell alcohol and asked if I had anything to drink.  I admitted that I had one quick drink before leaving.

This morning she said she wanted to talk about me having a drink last night before I left.  She asked if I thought I was breaking our agreement that I would come straight home after practice.  I said that it was literally 30 seconds and I was out the door so no I didn't.  She then asked about if I was feeling stressed at work and that was why I didn't want to see her yesterday.  I immediately started trying to walk that back, which was not what she needed.  What was really going on was that she was feeling lonely yesterday and felt that I didn't express that I missed her?

She's gotten very spun up this morning about the whole thing.  I did not do a good job validating her feelings this morning and she felt I was acting "defensive".  Before I left for work she said that I need to be prepared that she may ask to break up with me by the end of the day over this.  She thinks my work and my hobby are more important to me than her and she's done with it.

I know that she doesn't really want to break up but this is almost exactly the situation we were in at the end of last year.  We were getting ready for a move, I was late getting home from hobby, she demands I quit or we will break up and she'll move without me.

Now, I probably shouldn't have had a drink last night knowing that she could have been sensitive about it.  She's got a pretty good nose and hiding that isn't an option, nor should I hide it.  I feel like the only thing I can do today is make apologies and maybe say that "yes, of course you were lonely yesterday and I should have gotten home right away" even though I didn't get home any later than usual.

I realize that this isn't about the drink or the amount of time that I spent extra at my hobby.  This is about her feeling sad/upset that I wasn't thinking about her and that I did something with someone else.

I'd love to hear what the forum thinks about this situation.  I know that I need to be validating and reassure her that I want to be with her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[usagi]

I blew it up last night.  I didn't hear from her all day except a few updates on dog care.  When she got home she was pretty quiet and sullen.  She said that she was waiting for me to say something.  I said that I was sorry.  She said that wasn't good enough.  She said I broke my promise to come home right after the hobby.

I lost it.  I said I was only there for maybe another 30 seconds.  Lots of arguing ensued over what it really means to come home after hobby.  I walked out.  I came back and said that she threatened to leave me this morning and then said nothing all day.  I felt tortured.  Back and forth.  Turns out it was really the smell of alcohol that triggered her but she focused on the hobby.  I apologized for that.  In the midst of all this back and forth I realized that this is our pattern.

I step on a land mine.  She is triggered and says "how dare you step on my land mine, you need to leave."  I feel hurt and withdraw.  We both calm down and start over.  Every time this happens we have to rebuild trust.

This actually started way back in 2020 only a couple of months after we started dating.  It honestly feels like this happens every few months.  I can't continue.  It really doesn't feel like its getting any better.

I have done SO much work trying to understand her and respond in more constructive ways to her intense emotions.  Sometimes I can but others not.  What I think I realized last night is that I can't completely avoid stepping on landmines.  And, I can't keep being afraid that if I do she'll demand that I leave, only to ask me back a few days later.  I spent the whole day yesterday worrying that I'll need to quickly find an apartment.  This is just too uncertain.

We talked about it through text this morning.  We both agreed that this is unsustainable.  I wish she could work on her emotional reaction and her abandonment but am pretty sure that's off the table.  She did offer couples counseling but I'm super leery that it would lead to anything constructive.  Her offer sounded like just trying to find some third party to help me with my communication.

I am so crushed.  Didn't sleep much last night.  I'm sitting in a mostly cleared out house by myself wondering what happened.  Just a couple days ago I was excited to be moving to a new place with my partner.  Now I have to pivot quickly and find my own space.  Some of my things are already in the apartment.

Just this past weekend my partner got into a huge blow out fight with her son.  At first she said he's not allowed back in the house.  Now they've rearranged their custody schedule so that he'll be there only three days in a row once every week or so.  This is gonna be a super hard transition for her...and me.

I would be willing to get back with her if we both did couples counseling and she did individual for a sustained period to work on her intense emotions and abandonment.

I think this is just a boundary for me and she keeps crossing it.  I can't keep being threatened with leaving or being kicked out.  She didn't offer to work on that.  So here we are...

I'm sure she will try to make some attempt to get back together.  It always happens.  I think this time I need to hold to my request of individual therapy and couples therapy.  I'd even be willing to pay for both.

For now I need to focus on finding my own safe space.