Dealing with triggers in BPD relationship

[overwhelmed2]

Hey All,

I wanted to start a new thread for a specific scenario that is causing me fits. As per my first thread; I am working on understanding 'validation' and using it to reduce the impact/severity of conflict in my relationship with my uBPDw...

We have this horrible dynamic right now where there are two triggers that are constantly setting my wife off: a daily walk and a local eatery.

If you don't want the full story: TL;DR - How do you all deal with known triggers in your relationships?

I will describe the walk situation first and maybe forego the eatery thing for now, since this'll be long

the walk:

• We should walk every day, it's good for us as we age. No issue here.
• Our route (which cannot be changed) takes us right by two houses where she finds the women that live there triggering, as well as (God forbid we ever cross paths here) the swimming pool that one of them goes to regularly
• On any random walk if one of these women is present, drives by, their car is parked in the driveway, etc; she will immediately focus her attention on me and very likely project something about my bearing/behavior/pace/breathing in the current situation as being 'about' this woman's presence or potential presence.
• She typically will immediately make some kind of accusation to this effect which I blow off, because I know if this continues it'll quickly turn into a spectacle.
• She does not like to throw a fit in public, so usually there is some quiet bickering and she either mentally files this and after I have somehow crossed some threshold in her mind it will later be regurgitated in a rage blow along with a littany of other supposed "you want other women" transgressions, or we get home and she cannot help but pressing on it further and a guaranteed day-ruining argument ensues.
• Our daily walk for exercise has now become a game of emotional "Russian Roulette" for me. Ironically, she often uses my lack of enthusiasm for our walk as fodder for the "we're too different!" part of her divorce threats.

The accusation is always something completely ludicrous like:

• You stepped funny (she calls it popping, like a chnage in gait) when you saw her car because you were excited you might see her
• I saw you looking at the pool, hoping you'd see her
• You picked up the pace near her house; so you could rush over and see if she was home
• You looked down when we walked by her house so that she will think we are having problems in our marriage and I am available

I have no idea how to use validation or defuse this dynamic. She absolutely insists on doing this walk every day and doing it as a couple and she gets triggered to hyper-vigilance at least three times every single time (their houses, the pool). 

It blows my mind that she cannot be self-aware enough to realize she has some part in what is going on. Although, at this point I would say I actually do behave oddly sometimes now when we cross paths with these folks because I know I am going to get yelled at if we see them. I am literally scared of these two women at this point.

Of course JADE does not work... Any kind of rational argument from me as usual gets turned into me "lying" or proof that we should not be together because cannot take a simple walk together.

Anyway, I am at a loss. I have tried to tell her that I understand that she believes what she sees and if it were true it would be hurtful. I understand that her feelings are real and I am sorry that they are not good. But she needs to understand that she is the one interpreting my actions and believing something contrary to other, less hurtful possibilities.

If I try to address any of this when she is calm or we are not on a walk it has not been successful. She will go from completely calm to on the verge of rage when one of these two ladies names gets mentioned... If the topic continues for more than a minute or two something I say will be construed as confirmation I am somehow reaching out to these people non-verbally (ironically, I have never spoken to either of this people directly) and gets added to the "My husband wants someone else" pile.

On some level, I understand that I cannot shield her from being triggered. But I wish there was some way I could defuse this... this whole thing has contributed heavily to her divorce threats and frequency of episodes, it feels like there is no way out, other than moving which would be an insane response.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Can you remind me if the two of you have low-intensity times or moments together?

Is she occasionally able to have conversations (even brief) where it seems like the two of you communicate effectively?

It is valid, what she's saying about you behaving differently around those two houses (I get that it wasn't always like that). Now, her reasoning/explanation for the difference is not accurate, but she is sensing something real. It does sound like first she had her reactions/triggers, then over time, you developed the behavioral differences.

That's all understandable. Again, not saying that she has good reasons for her triggers, more saying that just generally the dynamic (though unhealthy) has a certain logic.

There are two aspects to the situation that seem to me to be under your control.

One is you could work on your own physical responses to the situation. I want to emphasize that this is not because "it's your fault" or "if you just change, then she'll stop being triggered". It's really more me trying to brainstorm -- where do you have agency here.

Nobody wants to be yelled at, and feeling fairly certain that a rage is impending, would make it difficult to relax. That's maybe where the second aspect comes in -- decoupling her yelling/triggering from you and your day. Maybe thinking of it as: "well, looks like a rainstorm is on the horizon, but it isn't personal, even though I don't enjoy getting soaked -- I won't like it but I can handle getting through it"

I say that not to minimize the situation or suggest that this would be easy. It sounds so intolerable, and, at a foundational level, so sad. This was never what you wanted for yourself or for her, and you love your W and wish she could have the insight that she has control over these scenarios she spins up and feels betrayed about.

I think you're on the right track that "proving" you are not interested in other women just adds fuel to the fire.

Does she ever respond well (neutrally to positively) to non-conversation, non-verbal, non-"deep talk", times spent together doing low-key things?

I wonder if even though the two of you aren't really in a place to build/rebuild trust verbally (i.e., "talking about the relationship" does not sound like it would go well), you could still have control over increasing low-key time spent doing neutral to positive things together -- kind of attacking the problem from that angle.

This is a tricky situation and it could help to really drill down into: OK, what do I actually have control over, and after I make changes that I control, can I live with depersonalizing however she responds, and trying to build the relationship experientially (vs verbally)?

Let me know if I'm off target -- we can keep working through what you think could be effective.

[overwhelmed2]

Can you remind me if the two of you have low-intensity times or moments together?

Hi kells,

She's super smart and can be reasoned with if her emotions stay in check but if it involves fidelity, jealousy, etc; the subject is almost impossible to address directly... she immediately goes from zero to enraged really quickly once the topic comes up... She will even get visibly aggressive and touchy if like, we are watching something on TV and they are talking about some celebrity who has left their wife or something.

Just bringing up the name of one of these two ladies would immediately put her in a state where she is basically not going to respond to reason and if I so much as pick the wrong word it goes on the pile of "things I said" for a future argument as well.

Is she occasionally able to have conversations (even brief) where it seems like the two of you communicate effectively?

It's kind of wild, we communicate great on anything that is not one of those areas. It's why we bonded to begin with... but sex, fidelity, divorce, any kind of 'trust' thing especially if it relates to romantic relationships is super dangerous territory. Finances and parenting can be difficult topics that can veer into a rage situation but those things can be talked about if you are sensitive to her state, which I generally am on super high alert about.

One thing with her is I feel like I am under constant surveillance (because, frankly, I am) and that there is some sort of program running in her brain at all times that is monitoring every nuance in what I do or say and it is trying to draw a conclusion "What does this tell me about our relationship and/or how could this be bad?"

Consequently nearly everything I do, especially if it seems notable or different, real or imagined, seems to be "about" our relationship to her and she will not only try to hold me accountable for her conclusions which are often wildly erroneous since there is an inherent assumption I am unhappy or want "out" but also she will refuse any new input.

We have had arguments about what I have been thinking in certain situations, as if she knows but I don't. It is absolutely twisted.

That is what is going on with this 'walk' problem.

One is you could work on your own physical responses to the situation. I want to emphasize that this is not because "it's your fault" or "if you just change, then she'll stop being triggered". It's really more me trying to brainstorm -- where do you have agency here.

Yes, I agree w/ this. My tension which she is very good at sensing is making it worse, as downward spiral. I've kind of started an internal effort to not notice where we are to trick myself into not thinking about it. I've also been trying to engage her in conversation on a topic she will focus on heavily (like our kids, or the house, etc) when we near these danger zones.

I think she may be less likely to let that brain program wreak havoc if we are engaged in something she is passionate about.
 

Nobody wants to be yelled at, and feeling fairly certain that a rage is impending, would make it difficult to relax. That's maybe where the second aspect comes in -- decoupling her yelling/triggering from you and your day. Maybe thinking of it as: "well, looks like a rainstorm is on the horizon, but it isn't personal, even though I don't enjoy getting soaked -- I won't like it but I can handle getting through it"

Yes, I think I need to be able to improve my response also. It is hard, because this is where I have work to do on not allowing her state to determine mine all the time.

Does she ever respond well (neutrally to positively) to non-conversation, non-verbal, non-"deep talk", times spent together doing low-key things?

Yes, for sure, as long as there are no hot women around. :P

I wonder if even though the two of you aren't really in a place to build/rebuild trust verbally (i.e., "talking about the relationship" does not sound like it would go well), you could still have control over increasing low-key time spent doing neutral to positive things together -- kind of attacking the problem from that angle.

This is a tricky situation and it could help to really drill down into: OK, what do I actually have control over, and after I make changes that I control, can I live with depersonalizing however she responds, and trying to build the relationship experientially (vs verbally)?

Let me know if I'm off target -- we can keep working through what you think could be effective.

Thanks this is helpful... I like that... I think I will brainstorm some ideas that might minimize the chances of us crossing paths with triggering scenarios that could improve the amount of time we are sharing together where she is tuned into the truth of the message that I am deeply committed to the relationship and already going above and beyond both in body and spirit.

Thanks