BPD Adult daughter traveling alone and in crisis

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all,
My BPD 27 year old daughter moved out a couple of months ago to live with her bf (she had been living with us for six months and was not working, going to therapy, or doing anything around the house. Sat in her room and smoked weed.) We basically had told her she has to leave because we couldn't deal with her constant rages and we even told her we would help her find a residential treatment center to get her some much needed help.  She came back a month later "to visit" and didn't leave for another month. Finally she went back to bf and then one day later got in her car and drove cross country to a friend in Colorado (we live on the East Coast.) After one week, friend kicked her out and now she is driving who knows where (and it's not even her car - it's a family member's.) Friend said she was smoking all the time and talking to men online and meeting up with some. I am so sad and stressed worrying about her. She is smart and very pretty, and very convincing that she is just fine until you really get talking to her. Then her narcissistic tendencies become apparent and when she rages, she is frightening. Our therapist says just let her go, it's her journey. But I don't want to get a phone call telling me something horrible has happened to her. We (dad and I) want to help her but it's so difficult to talk to her. I don't want to scare her away. She doesn't know that we know what has happened with the friend - the friend told us. And i can see on social media her manic posts. I want to try and reach out to her, but afraid that will push her away for good. Any advice is welcome.

[sjk189]

Hi all,
My BPD 27 year old daughter moved out a couple of months ago to live with her bf (she had been living with us for six months and was not working, going to therapy, or doing anything around the house. Sat in her room and smoked weed.) We basically had told her she has to leave because we couldn't deal with her constant rages and we even told her we would help her find a residential treatment center to get her some much needed help.  She came back a month later "to visit" and didn't leave for another month. Finally she went back to bf and then one day later got in her car and drove cross country to a friend in Colorado (we live on the East Coast.) After one week, friend kicked her out and now she is driving who knows where (and it's not even her car - it's a family member's.) Friend said she was smoking all the time and talking to men online and meeting up with some. I am so sad and stressed worrying about her. She is smart and very pretty, and very convincing that she is just fine until you really get talking to her. Then her narcissistic tendencies become apparent and when she rages, she is frightening. Our therapist says just let her go, it's her journey. But I don't want to get a phone call telling me something horrible has happened to her. We (dad and I) want to help her but it's so difficult to talk to her. I don't want to scare her away. She doesn't know that we know what has happened with the friend - the friend told us. And i can see on social media her manic posts. I want to try and reach out to her, but afraid that will push her away for good. Any advice is welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi sjk189, glad you landed here with us.

It's such a vast canyon between theoretically accepting that it's your child's life to live, and really accepting it from the heart. My H has two kids (their mom has many BPD type traits) and while "on paper" I could tell you that I know I don't control their lives or journeys, there is so much pain in fearing the worst for your kids.

Is your D27 in touch with any other family members (siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles) where it is a positive connection? Sometimes close family (parents) can be "too close to hear". I know my older sister (not BPD), who has chosen to go no contact with my parents, has a volatile relationship with them, but gets along great with me and my younger sister.

I'm wondering if it might be easier to "release" your D27 if you knew there was some kind of family safety net or family member connection that she maintained (or even trusted friend who also was in touch with you).

And i can see on social media her manic posts. I want to try and reach out to her, but afraid that will push her away for good. Any advice is welcome.

Is she in touch with you any other way (phone, text, email)? Are any of those communication avenues calmer than others?

[CC43]

SJK,

My stepdaughter's story has many, many parallels.  When she was in our home, she did the exact same things and behaved the exact same way.  She's also very pretty and fairly smart.  But her choices were neither pretty nor smart.

The good news is that my stepdaughter is doing fairly well now, by living on her own, working part-time and taking a couple of classes.  She's found new friends and is on a path towards making an adult life for herself.

The bad news is that she had to hit bottom, before she realized she needed to change to get better.  You can see some of my others posts about what her bottom looked like.

My advice, sadly, is not to ENABLE your daughter to continue with the status quo of leeching off you, treating you poorly in your household, not contributing at home, taking illicit drugs, not working or studying, not getting treatment, etc.  You need to get that car back because it sounds like she stole it.  She can decide to treat you civilly in your home and contribute (through chores, rent, etc.), or she gets kicked out.  If the former, life becomes bearable.  If the latter, that's her choice, and she'll shape up or hit a bottom and realize she needs help to clean up, learn emotional resilience and grow up.

[sjk189]

She has texted me a few times and that is usually the best way to communicate with her. She and I have always been very close but she also blames her BPD on me and childhood trauma (which I struggle with understanding - I’m not perfect but she was a very difficult child even when she was very young.) it’s a complicated relationship. She has a younger sister but they are not that close and, to be honest, she treated her sister horribly so the fact her sister even tries to help her is surprising. No other family that she is close with or trusts. The one friend she went to visit was her best friend from childhood but the friend tried to establish boundaries on their living arrangement and my daughter up and left. She truly is out there in her own and has very little money to live on. She doesn’t really know how to adult. When she worked for three years she basically lived like a hoarder and I would have to go in and clean up periodically. She has even left her cat behind with the bf ?or ex-bf.).I’m overwhelmed with how bad things have become in less than a year. She went from a respectable public facing job to becoming practically homeless.

[Sancho]

Hi skj189
I have been thinking about you and your situation quite a lot. I can identify with how you are feeling - my dd was often 'out there' with not even common sense to protect her! I was/am at my worst as far as worrying goes first thing in the morning/last thing at night.

It can be the case that 'hitting rock bottom' is a turning point, but it is not always the case. So this is not something that eases my anxiety. There are many options for what happens when someone hits rock bottom and can depend on many factors - the individual in particular but also connections and - well yes luck!

My dd also doesn't seem to be able to be 'adult' - can't manage the usual 'adult' responsibilities. She is constantly looking to attach herself to someone and is very impulsive - so I believe my anxiety is well founded!

You know your dd best of all and I think your intuition is well based on this knowledge. Texting also works with my dd much better than talking. You know her 'triggers' and how to respond to a 'dumping' of blame.

My sense is that she will make her way back to you but of course there is no guarantee of any particular option happening. I think it is important to keep lines of communication open with the texting, even from the point that it can help keep a link with reality. Remember the moods go from one extreme to another so dd might dump in a text then if you were able to, you would see she had moved on in a relatively short period of time.

There is no blueprint for surviving these times but I found the following helpful:
* keeping a line of communication open -often by using the not JADE - ing process
* instead of a state of generalised anxiety, I would make a mental list of 'what I can do'. For each of these I would think about it, remember things I had tried and what happened. For example I would find myself feeling that I had to go to see dd urgently and talk to her and make her see some sense. Then I would think about our interactions - and how I had tried this so many times before.
*by going through this 'list' process I felt calmer because I knew that I had done all that I could and it would stop my mind going over and over things - for a short time at least!

Was your dd living at home when she was working and has this chaos started since moving in the first time with bf?

I am wondering about the factors that have made such a change in dd - whether cannabis use has activated another condition for example. My dd is diagnosed with BPD but I am pretty sure she has ADHD and is on the spectrum.

I am sorry I am not of more help skj189. I hope knowing there is someone in the world who absolutely understands the pain you are are in is of some help.