I have never felt more confused in my life

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I turned 40 last year. I met my now ex in late 2022 and we were in the same theater group and, I think, like most people, we were looking to make friends after the pandemic. I know it sounds silly, but... I felt like I was hit by a bus when I walked into the room. Long before he ever turned around or even saw his face, I was attracted to him. I had never experienced something like that before. Over the new few months, we put on a show for Halloween, and by the end of it he was flirting with me and we exchanged Facebook info to stay in touch.

The problem was, he was in the middle of a divorce and it sounded quite nasty, so I originally made the difficult decision to stay firmly in the friend zone and just leave it at that. He is also a wounded veteran with a TBI, a heavy marijuana user, and has a history of PTSD.

After a few months, however, there was a thing growing between us that neither one of us could deny was there. I had too much to drink one night with a mutual friend and confessed that I was really attracted to him. She started laughing and said "we all know, what's funny is that you both are crazy about each other, and neither of you seem to see it." Eventually, she told him that it wasn't just in his head, that I liked him. And then we started talking on a more personal level, and I didn't stick to my original plan. By the end of December 2022, we were talking about being together. I was pretty strict on the rules because I knew separations don't always last and people don't always get divorced. And I also wanted to get to know him while also giving him time and space after the divorce. But at the same time, I just really, really wanted to spend time with him. And he wanted to be with me, not just in words, but in actions and gestures. Body language.

His marriage was (and still is) insane. Toxic doesn't even begin to describe it. The wife is an alcoholic and just in the 3 months we dated, late December to early March, she wrecked a car and busted up her face. They share a 5 year old son and he constantly fears for his son's life, and his own. She would routinely harass him and stalk him. He had to have her arrested multiple times. This was the part I knew about and I was afraid for all of them. He also had a teenage daughter from a previous relationship that I met and we adored each other, and his daughter was so afraid of this woman and would tell me about terrible things that this woman did to her dad.

Their divorce was supposed to be at the end of March. Something between us significantly changed two weeks before. That Tuesday, he went on and on about how desirable I was, and how hard it was to resist temptation, but I practically had to beg him to give me a kiss goodnight. Then, that Friday, he came to the theater show and was rude to everyone. He suddenly was very short and cold with me, and wouldn't make eye contact. He dumped me that night in his car. He gave me the generic, "I don't want to date anyone right now. It's not you, it's me. You deserve to find love." And I didn't fight it even though I was hurt and confused. I have been given that line by so many men before. I told him that we couldn't be friends anymore and that I wouldn't take him back if he came back later on. This would have to be it. I told him to drive me back to where we left my car. As soon as he pulled off, I burst into tears. I cried the entire night, no sleep. I would then cry for the next 10 days, off and on, and would lose 10 lbs in less than a month.

We still had theater two more nights and both nights he acted like nothing had ever happened. Still flirting, still trying to tweak at me and make me laugh. While my eyes were swollen with tears and I was in the bathroom in tears the whole time he was on stage. I was falling apart. And he was still wanting me to play around like old times. Like the conversation on Friday night never happened.

The truth was, he lied to EVERYONE in the beginning, when he talked about the divorce and said that they were already long separated and not seeing each other by the time we first met in September. That he could see the finish line on the horizon. He didn't start pursuing me as more than a friend until late December. It turns out that they were still sleeping together in November, and she filed a statement in court that would have delayed the the divorce. At some point after that, they decided to reconcile. Wasting all that time, thousands of dollars, and the time of lawyers and court-appointed guardians and judges.

I went out and tried to date. But I was a mess, and I knew I needed time. I knew the truth the day after the divorce date. I called the courthouse because a friend threatened to go down there and read their file. I tried to talk to him in April and ask him what the heck was going on. And I couldn't get anything even close to a straight answer from him. He kept his hand in his pocket. First he said things were moving too fast, and I said that if that were true we could have just talked about it and slowed down (even though he was pushing everything and I was already restricting things from moving). Then, he tried to blame our mutual friend for everything, and said that he "never wanted anything to happen between us." I told him he was a 40-yr old man and not to blame someone else for what he chose to do. He literally ran down a street one night trying to find me to hug me and say goodnight before I left, but he didn't want me? I told him that all he did was waste my time. He lied even further and said that they were supposed to go back to court in November because it got pushed back. When, in fact, he knew that it had been withdrawn completely from court at his own request. I knew how much of a liar he was that night and it was devastating.

In May, there was a huge fundraiser dinner, and he brought her there. My mutual friend was so upset and sort of in shock that she didn't know what to say to me. He introduced his wife to all of our friends and acted like I didn't exist. But he kept looking at me the whole night. It was really strange. I felt humiliated all night, because I had to be the one to answer all the painful questions from all our friends. He spent the entire evening literally hunched over, following her around like a frightened, whipped puppy.

Before the end of May, they were fighting again. It was over, again. She had cheated, she was this, she was that. We were working on the next show and he immediately beelined back to me again. Only to find the door firmly closed, like I told him it would be. He was trying everything... trying to talk to me, trying to start conversations with me in front of others, trying to jump into my conversations. He tried 3x one night to take me home after I had too much at a party and one of our other drunk friends was trying to put the moves on me. At some point, he tried to flirt with other women and make me jealous. He tried everything to force his way back into my life. Everything except for apologizing. I had to ask one of the directors to intervene during the production and keep him away from me.

I didn't see him for most of the summer months after that show ended. We were barely on speaking terms by that point. I found out later on that something big happened that summer. He and his wife were both arrested for an "incident" in late August not long before my birthday. The charges were dropped against him, and she plead guilty.

In September, I turned 40. I invited everyone from the theater to a big party, and included him to be polite. He tried to say that I didn't invite him, and then when I corrected him, he said he couldn't come anyway because he had his son that weekend. I said OK, whatever. Then, he showed up the afternoon before the party and followed me around the building for 45 minutes while I was waiting for my setup crew to arrive. He followed me around so much that I texted several people an SOS because he was making me uncomfortable. Surprise! 30 minutes into my party that night, he texted and wanted to know if he could still come. I said I didn't care either way. He showed up and had an on-theme costume and a gift. He was so good to me and so kind that night that several of my friends who ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM said it took them by surprise and that maybe I should start giving him another chance to make things right.

WRONG. The next weekend we were at a friend's wedding and he was obviously dating another friend of ours. I found out later that the night after my birthday party, he hit on one friend and she rejected him specifically because of how he treated me, and then he hit on this other friend that he was out with. He still spent the entire night trying to get some sort of reaction out of me. When I had ZERO reaction, he approached me in front of two of our friends (while his new girl was in the bathroom) and proceeded to hit on me in front of them. I was disgusted and rejected him. He looked visibly hurt. Later that night, we took group photos at the wedding, he stood behind me and slid his hand around my waist.

What little communication we had, ceased at that point, and I went zero contact as much as I could. Since that time, he is still dating this new woman, but he constantly has tried to get my attention or to make me jealous of them. I have never given this man a reaction or a response. Being stone faced has become a standard for me, even though I feel like I am dying inside.

He still will not stop approaching me. People do not understand that I cannot even say a polite hello to him. If I say "hello," he comes back later and tries to flirt with me. In February, we had another fundraiser dinner show. I was working in the sound/light booth. He found a reason to come up there and talk to me. I had to speak to him because it was actually work related. I asked him a question about the light board and he beamed all over, came over to "help," and then proceeded to press his entire body against mine and pause... like he was waiting to see what I would do or say. I froze in a panic. When I didn't give in, he backed off and left to go do his next task. For the first time, I freaked out, and thought that he was really going to do something to me physically. When my friend got back up to the booth, he I was spiraling and freaking out and he was shocked because he was only gone for a few minutes. My ex CAME BACK, a few minutes later, turned white as a sheet when he saw someone was up there with me now, and then he just awkwardly stayed up there and stood behind me before wandering off again.

Since the sound booth incident, I have cut off contact even further. I don't talk to him or his new girlfriend and I blocked them on every social media that I can block them on. I stopped participating in any of the shows that they were working on. To protect myself, I have had to let go of several opportunities that I would have loved to take part in. There are local events that I have skipped just to keep from running into them.

In less than a year, his new girlfriend managed to burn almost every bridge in our group from being a real controlling, manipulative brat. She tried to undermine our manager. She has been rude and condescending to our entire group of friends. She has, one by one, removed every person from my ex's life except for a small handful of safe friends who are gay, attached, or thoroughly unattracted to him. She boasts to everyone that she is saving his life and has made his life better. Very loudly, very verbally rubbing it in my face that his love life has improved now that she's here. They are on the verge of being removed from the theater all together at this rate.

Just a few weeks ago, now in JUNE, I performed in my very first show as a main cast member in a great ensemble performance. My ex and his girlfriend came to opening night and wanted to sit in the front row. Under the spotlights. Thankfully, my very dear friend made it impossible for them to get those seats because she was not going to put that kind of pressure on me, having to see them the entire night and carry on with the show. After the show, my ex tried to approach me. However, my date walked up with a huge bouquet of long-stemmed roses and I was shocked and ran past my ex and I and hugged and kissed my date. Several family members said that my ex looked absolutely crushed, not just in facial features but his whole body just seemed to break.

The full truth is that his new girlfriend hasn't saved him from anything. He is still married, and has never re-filed the divorce. He has filed dozens of other things in court against his wife, but not the divorce. The body language between him and his new girlfriend makes them both look miserable. He still tries to approach me enough that I have to be very stealth to avoid him.

Ever since June of LAST YEAR, this man looks at me with eyes full of love, and pain, and pleading... and then he does these incredibly stupid, hurtful things. It's like he's looking at me like, "Why isn't this working? Why aren't you coming back to me? What do I need to do to make you come back?" And these things that he does just pushes me away further. What exactly am I supposed to be fighting for? Chasing? HE'S A MARRIED MAN WITH A GIRLFRIEND, it's been over a year since he broke up with me, and almost 9 months since I rejected him at the wedding.

It has really worn me down and I am suffering. I feel stuck. I am an emotional wreck. I've been trying to book a new psychiatrist and everywhere is booked up for months. It has taken me two weeks just to find a doctor who will prescribe me medicine for depression, but I need more than medicine. I need support and advice. I am limited in what I can say or do at the theater, as I cannot raise my voice or cause a scene or I will be asked to leave. I have been trying to stay away from them but even that doesn't seem to really work. I cannot leave the theater because I love it there, I love what I do, and I have an awesome group of friends now that I adore.

But I am haunted by this man. Because he looks at me with pure love, and I can feel his energy and his body language, and it is like HE's hurting. Like he's in love with me and that *I* am hurting him. Like he's dying for me to give him a sign or drop the no contact. It has been so incredibly painful, and so HARD, to stand tall and "be the bigger person" and not respond. The fact that he's been with someone else since September has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. And he seems like he's lost and like he doesn't understand why I don't want to be around him.

I feel like I am torn in half. I am trying to move on because I KNOW he is very unhealthy and that I cannot tolerate this kind of behavior. This behavior that has been so demeaning. But, then he looks at me that way that he does, and that kills me too. Because I have genuine love for him and I wanted to be with him so badly. I feel so much hurt and pain either way I look at it. And it has ruined my trust in everyone I have tried to date since.

[grieving2024]

I turned 40 last year. I met my now ex in late 2022 and we were in the same theater group and, I think, like most people, we were looking to make friends after the pandemic. I know it sounds silly, but... I felt like I was hit by a bus when I walked into the room. Long before he ever turned around or even saw his face, I was attracted to him. I had never experienced something like that before. Over the new few months, we put on a show for Halloween, and by the end of it he was flirting with me and we exchanged Facebook info to stay in touch.

The problem was, he was in the middle of a divorce and it sounded quite nasty, so I originally made the difficult decision to stay firmly in the friend zone and just leave it at that. He is also a wounded veteran with a TBI, a heavy marijuana user, and has a history of PTSD.

After a few months, however, there was a thing growing between us that neither one of us could deny was there. I had too much to drink one night with a mutual friend and confessed that I was really attracted to him. She started laughing and said "we all know, what's funny is that you both are crazy about each other, and neither of you seem to see it." Eventually, she told him that it wasn't just in his head, that I liked him. And then we started talking on a more personal level, and I didn't stick to my original plan. By the end of December 2022, we were talking about being together. I was pretty strict on the rules because I knew separations don't always last and people don't always get divorced. And I also wanted to get to know him while also giving him time and space after the divorce. But at the same time, I just really, really wanted to spend time with him. And he wanted to be with me, not just in words, but in actions and gestures. Body language.

His marriage was (and still is) insane. Toxic doesn't even begin to describe it. The wife is an alcoholic and just in the 3 months we dated, late December to early March, she wrecked a car and busted up her face. They share a 5 year old son and he constantly fears for his son's life, and his own. She would routinely harass him and stalk him. He had to have her arrested multiple times. This was the part I knew about and I was afraid for all of them. He also had a teenage daughter from a previous relationship that I met and we adored each other, and his daughter was so afraid of this woman and would tell me about terrible things that this woman did to her dad.

Their divorce was supposed to be at the end of March. Something between us significantly changed two weeks before. That Tuesday, he went on and on about how desirable I was, and how hard it was to resist temptation, but I practically had to beg him to give me a kiss goodnight. Then, that Friday, he came to the theater show and was rude to everyone. He suddenly was very short and cold with me, and wouldn't make eye contact. He dumped me that night in his car. He gave me the generic, "I don't want to date anyone right now. It's not you, it's me. You deserve to find love." And I didn't fight it even though I was hurt and confused. I have been given that line by so many men before. I told him that we couldn't be friends anymore and that I wouldn't take him back if he came back later on. This would have to be it. I told him to drive me back to where we left my car. As soon as he pulled off, I burst into tears. I cried the entire night, no sleep. I would then cry for the next 10 days, off and on, and would lose 10 lbs in less than a month.

We still had theater two more nights and both nights he acted like nothing had ever happened. Still flirting, still trying to tweak at me and make me laugh. While my eyes were swollen with tears and I was in the bathroom in tears the whole time he was on stage. I was falling apart. And he was still wanting me to play around like old times. Like the conversation on Friday night never happened.

The truth was, he lied to EVERYONE in the beginning, when he talked about the divorce and said that they were already long separated and not seeing each other by the time we first met in September. That he could see the finish line on the horizon. He didn't start pursuing me as more than a friend until late December. It turns out that they were still sleeping together in November, and she filed a statement in court that would have delayed the the divorce. At some point after that, they decided to reconcile. Wasting all that time, thousands of dollars, and the time of lawyers and court-appointed guardians and judges.

I went out and tried to date. But I was a mess, and I knew I needed time. I knew the truth the day after the divorce date. I called the courthouse because a friend threatened to go down there and read their file. I tried to talk to him in April and ask him what the heck was going on. And I couldn't get anything even close to a straight answer from him. He kept his hand in his pocket. First he said things were moving too fast, and I said that if that were true we could have just talked about it and slowed down (even though he was pushing everything and I was already restricting things from moving). Then, he tried to blame our mutual friend for everything, and said that he "never wanted anything to happen between us." I told him he was a 40-yr old man and not to blame someone else for what he chose to do. He literally ran down a street one night trying to find me to hug me and say goodnight before I left, but he didn't want me? I told him that all he did was waste my time. He lied even further and said that they were supposed to go back to court in November because it got pushed back. When, in fact, he knew that it had been withdrawn completely from court at his own request. I knew how much of a liar he was that night and it was devastating.

In May, there was a huge fundraiser dinner, and he brought her there. My mutual friend was so upset and sort of in shock that she didn't know what to say to me. He introduced his wife to all of our friends and acted like I didn't exist. But he kept looking at me the whole night. It was really strange. I felt humiliated all night, because I had to be the one to answer all the painful questions from all our friends. He spent the entire evening literally hunched over, following her around like a frightened, whipped puppy.

Before the end of May, they were fighting again. It was over, again. She had cheated, she was this, she was that. We were working on the next show and he immediately beelined back to me again. Only to find the door firmly closed, like I told him it would be. He was trying everything... trying to talk to me, trying to start conversations with me in front of others, trying to jump into my conversations. He tried 3x one night to take me home after I had too much at a party and one of our other drunk friends was trying to put the moves on me. At some point, he tried to flirt with other women and make me jealous. He tried everything to force his way back into my life. Everything except for apologizing. I had to ask one of the directors to intervene during the production and keep him away from me.

I didn't see him for most of the summer months after that show ended. We were barely on speaking terms by that point. I found out later on that something big happened that summer. He and his wife were both arrested for an "incident" in late August not long before my birthday. The charges were dropped against him, and she plead guilty.

In September, I turned 40. I invited everyone from the theater to a big party, and included him to be polite. He tried to say that I didn't invite him, and then when I corrected him, he said he couldn't come anyway because he had his son that weekend. I said OK, whatever. Then, he showed up the afternoon before the party and followed me around the building for 45 minutes while I was waiting for my setup crew to arrive. He followed me around so much that I texted several people an SOS because he was making me uncomfortable. Surprise! 30 minutes into my party that night, he texted and wanted to know if he could still come. I said I didn't care either way. He showed up and had an on-theme costume and a gift. He was so good to me and so kind that night that several of my friends who ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM said it took them by surprise and that maybe I should start giving him another chance to make things right.

WRONG. The next weekend we were at a friend's wedding and he was obviously dating another friend of ours. I found out later that the night after my birthday party, he hit on one friend and she rejected him specifically because of how he treated me, and then he hit on this other friend that he was out with. He still spent the entire night trying to get some sort of reaction out of me. When I had ZERO reaction, he approached me in front of two of our friends (while his new girl was in the bathroom) and proceeded to hit on me in front of them. I was disgusted and rejected him. He looked visibly hurt. Later that night, we took group photos at the wedding, he stood behind me and slid his hand around my waist.

What little communication we had, ceased at that point, and I went zero contact as much as I could. Since that time, he is still dating this new woman, but he constantly has tried to get my attention or to make me jealous of them. I have never given this man a reaction or a response. Being stone faced has become a standard for me, even though I feel like I am dying inside.

He still will not stop approaching me. People do not understand that I cannot even say a polite hello to him. If I say "hello," he comes back later and tries to flirt with me. In February, we had another fundraiser dinner show. I was working in the sound/light booth. He found a reason to come up there and talk to me. I had to speak to him because it was actually work related. I asked him a question about the light board and he beamed all over, came over to "help," and then proceeded to press his entire body against mine and pause... like he was waiting to see what I would do or say. I froze in a panic. When I didn't give in, he backed off and left to go do his next task. For the first time, I freaked out, and thought that he was really going to do something to me physically. When my friend got back up to the booth, he I was spiraling and freaking out and he was shocked because he was only gone for a few minutes. My ex CAME BACK, a few minutes later, turned white as a sheet when he saw someone was up there with me now, and then he just awkwardly stayed up there and stood behind me before wandering off again.

Since the sound booth incident, I have cut off contact even further. I don't talk to him or his new girlfriend and I blocked them on every social media that I can block them on. I stopped participating in any of the shows that they were working on. To protect myself, I have had to let go of several opportunities that I would have loved to take part in. There are local events that I have skipped just to keep from running into them.

In less than a year, his new girlfriend managed to burn almost every bridge in our group from being a real controlling, manipulative brat. She tried to undermine our manager. She has been rude and condescending to our entire group of friends. She has, one by one, removed every person from my ex's life except for a small handful of safe friends who are gay, attached, or thoroughly unattracted to him. She boasts to everyone that she is saving his life and has made his life better. Very loudly, very verbally rubbing it in my face that his love life has improved now that she's here. They are on the verge of being removed from the theater all together at this rate.

Just a few weeks ago, now in JUNE, I performed in my very first show as a main cast member in a great ensemble performance. My ex and his girlfriend came to opening night and wanted to sit in the front row. Under the spotlights. Thankfully, my very dear friend made it impossible for them to get those seats because she was not going to put that kind of pressure on me, having to see them the entire night and carry on with the show. After the show, my ex tried to approach me. However, my date walked up with a huge bouquet of long-stemmed roses and I was shocked and ran past my ex and I and hugged and kissed my date. Several family members said that my ex looked absolutely crushed, not just in facial features but his whole body just seemed to break.

The full truth is that his new girlfriend hasn't saved him from anything. He is still married, and has never re-filed the divorce. He has filed dozens of other things in court against his wife, but not the divorce. The body language between him and his new girlfriend makes them both look miserable. He still tries to approach me enough that I have to be very stealth to avoid him.

Ever since June of LAST YEAR, this man looks at me with eyes full of love, and pain, and pleading... and then he does these incredibly stupid, hurtful things. It's like he's looking at me like, "Why isn't this working? Why aren't you coming back to me? What do I need to do to make you come back?" And these things that he does just pushes me away further. What exactly am I supposed to be fighting for? Chasing? HE'S A MARRIED MAN WITH A GIRLFRIEND, it's been over a year since he broke up with me, and almost 9 months since I rejected him at the wedding.

It has really worn me down and I am suffering. I feel stuck. I am an emotional wreck. I've been trying to book a new psychiatrist and everywhere is booked up for months. It has taken me two weeks just to find a doctor who will prescribe me medicine for depression, but I need more than medicine. I need support and advice. I am limited in what I can say or do at the theater, as I cannot raise my voice or cause a scene or I will be asked to leave. I have been trying to stay away from them but even that doesn't seem to really work. I cannot leave the theater because I love it there, I love what I do, and I have an awesome group of friends now that I adore.

But I am haunted by this man. Because he looks at me with pure love, and I can feel his energy and his body language, and it is like HE's hurting. Like he's in love with me and that *I* am hurting him. Like he's dying for me to give him a sign or drop the no contact. It has been so incredibly painful, and so HARD, to stand tall and "be the bigger person" and not respond. The fact that he's been with someone else since September has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. And he seems like he's lost and like he doesn't understand why I don't want to be around him.

I feel like I am torn in half. I am trying to move on because I KNOW he is very unhealthy and that I cannot tolerate this kind of behavior. This behavior that has been so demeaning. But, then he looks at me that way that he does, and that kills me too. Because I have genuine love for him and I wanted to be with him so badly. I feel so much hurt and pain either way I look at it. And it has ruined my trust in everyone I have tried to date since.

[HoratioX]

I think if you read the many posts on this site, you'll see people pointing out similar experiences though with different details and how ultimately, a relationship with someone like you describe is toxic and should be avoided. The choice, of course, is always up to the people in the relationship, but for many of us, such relationships were awful.

You might also work with a professional, such as a therapist. In reading your lengthy description, a theme that kept surfacing for me is how the theater group is pretty insular. I wouldn't call it a cult per se, but the notion that everyone is spending so much time with each other and even dating so much within the group is a little close.

I'm saying that because there might be other issues to untangle that relate to the group dynamic. Again, a professional might be able to help figure that out.

Regardless, this other person does not sound emotionally or mentally healthy, nor even a particularly good person. I wouldn't expect that to change much in the future if at all given it hasn't changed in the time you've known them.

Good luck with your situation.