ghosted by adult son with BPD

[proffrench]

Hello everyone. My 34 yr old son has BPD, although he has never been formerly dx. He checks every box when reading about symptoms of BPD and I've read many books on the subject trying to help him. He was dx with depression at the age of 16 and put on Wellbutrin for about 2 yrs, after which he took himself off the drug and then "self-medicated" with anything from pot to alcohol and adderol. He is extremely intelligent and well-spoken, but took close to 7 yrs to finally graduate from college. He has bounced around jobs ever since. He married a wonderful girl 2.5 yrs ago and things seemed to improve. They recently had my first grandchild a little less than 2 months ago. Last Saturday at his home about 1 hour from us (I divorced his father who was an emotional and physical abuser and remarried a kind man who my son respects and cares for), he threw me out of his house in front of his in-laws because when he stated that he was not going to vaccinate his newborn daughter, my jaw dropped. I made the mistake of saying that while not all vaccines for babies were completely necessary, there were some that were time-tested and proven safer.... safer than dying from polio, measles, etc. He then told me to not let the door hit me in the ass on the way out (something he heard his father say countless times over the years) and so rather than cause a scene in front of his in-laws, my husband and I left. I have attempted several times this week to text him and tell him I love him unconditionally and respect his decisions as her parent even if I don't agree with him. He does not respond. Silence. His father did the same thing after screaming at me and calling me an idiot in front of my 2 children. My son will be spending a pleasant Father's Day with his dad tomorrow. His father bought him his house and continues to financially support him to this day, after being an absent and abusive father while we were married. I guess money buys affection.

I know this is long because it's my first post. I have to add that I lost his older sister at the age of 16 to brain cancer. My son was in 3rd grade when she died. I know that for 20 months while she went through surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy that I spent many days in the hospital with her. When I could not be home, I had his grandmother be there for him after school, giving him snacks, company and sometimes dinner. I had no choice but to be with my daughter who was dying. His father continued to verbally abuse all of us, including my dying daughter, throughout her treatment. When he was home (he traveled a lot on business), we lived in fear of his cruelty and then even worse, the silence... wondering what we had done wrong.

I loved being a mother. I loved every single minute of it. I was a stay at home mom who baked cookies, was a room mother, did crafts with her kids and went to every one of my son's soccer practices and games. Those were some of the happiest times of my life. I was, and still am, proud of my son and all that he endured during my daughter's illness. I lost my own brother when I was 12 and he was 3.5 yrs old, so I understood a little of what he was going through. But whereas I was resilient and learned compassion from watching my brother die from leukemia and helping my mother take care of him in his last days, my son did not have the same response. I did my best to be there for him while she was sick and afterwards. I truly did. I have been the target for all his rage since he entered junior high and each time he told me to die and that he hated me, I responded by telling him I loved him unconditionally and I meant it. I still do.

I feel like an orphan. I had 2 children. One died and now the other one might as well be dead too. I'm so sad and helpless. I know that seeing his sister die was a traumatic childhood experience, but I can't change what happened. I know that having an absent and abusive father was traumatic and I probably stayed with him too long... I didn't divorce him until my son was in college and over 18. But my love and attention never wavered. Not once. His father told him after his wedding that "your mother is a liar and she is crazy," and he throws that at me every chance he gets. If I were crazy, I never would have survived my childhood and losing my daughter to cancer. I'm certainly not a liar.

I'm guessing that now that he has a child, he feels he has to "protect" her from her crazy, lying grandmother. My ex-husband wins because he has the money. I have nothing but love and support to offer him, but he already gets that from his wife. I'm superfluous. I'm so sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello Proffrench,

I can understand your feelings because I was widowed 24 years ago and only had one child, my 38 year old daughter that has blocked all communication with me for 12 years now.
But I want to let you know that has a lot to do with apparent feelings of abandonment by me when I moved overseas for my work (2010-2013); I had no idea of her behavioral disorder, she had graduated with her undergraduate degree and was living with her fiancée, so I thought she would be fine.
BUT NOTE, you did not ever move away thinking he was fine, so hopefully he will re-connect with you sooner than 12 years.

Look at this as a healing time for you both, and live your own life!
Pray for him and his family daily (I still pray a lot throughout the day).

Last year my daughter left her mentally ill husband and he is being healed by God. He is being well taken care of and healing at the VA now and has told me about her behaviors and distorted memories.

My daughter has moved on and is taking back her life! He had given me her current email address and after learning things on this blog, I got up the courage to email her.
It wasn’t gushy, they certainly do not relate to us missing them or being surprised by their actions. I just told her things I now realized she might have struggled with (such as her father’s death (she was 11), that I only took the job in Germany because I needed healing, and the current status of her husband.

Surprisingly, she actually wrote back; her email was not kind but blaming me for all her problems and telling me I needed to get treatment for mental health, but it was a page long; I had figured if anything, it would be one sentence telling me to leave her alone.
She informed me that she would block me, she also said she would not waste her time reading what I wrote and since she saw the first couple of sentences about her dad, said that I was blaming him

[Ourworld]

Dang, it cut off the bottom of my post, so I’ll try to remember what I wrote.

After “ blaming him.” I put a laughing smiley face (maybe this is what caused it!).

I recommend 4 things:

1. Do NOT blame yourself for anything you might have said or done.

2. Begin doing things you enjoy-such as travel, tennis, art, church involvement and Bible studies.

3. Pray faithfully for your son and His family and ask for guidance, peace, and patience for yourself.

4. When doing things at home (laundry, cleaning, cooking…) listen to music. I listen to Contemporary Christian praise videos on utube on my tv! I love the positive and uplifting lyrics and often find myself hearing a song that makes me think of her, I pray, sometimes I also cry a bit. But it really helps keep me focused on what matters.

Be happy, once he re-connects you don’t want him to find a sad, depressed mom!

Remember that everything happens for a reason and believe and trust!

You’re gonna be ok!

I truly wish you the best, OurWorld

[proffrench]

Thank you so much for your kind words of support! I am a Stephen Minister at my church and pray for and work with other women in need of spiritual support, so I try to use what I've learned through life to help others. He has ghosted me before for a few days at a time and usually calls me later to talk as if nothing has happened. Never an apology, but I don't expect one either. This time feels different somehow... he has his wife and new baby, so he now has all he needs. I'm an inconvenience. My heart goes out to you and all you've endured in this life. I wish you peace.

[Ourworld]

Hi Proffrench,

I see that I missed part of my original post;
I have been ministering and discipling my SIL and he has told me about her horrible behaviors and distorted beliefs that she tried to hide from me.
I am preparing for long-term  missionary service overseas; I plan to lead Bible studies for incarcerated women, lead a children and youth program, and also train people on computers. I know that God is working in her life and I hope to at least speak with her before I leave around October. She does know that serving the Lord to help children is something I have always done and that I was called to do missions once I retired.
I am hoping that she gets back with her husband that is now saved and we can stay connected in emails!
Her blaming email gave me assurance in my beliefs about her reason for the estrangement being the effects of things she has gone through and unfortunately further signs of BPD.
I also realized that she was aware that she had problems to heal from (as she blamed me and said I was abusive) and hope she is getting the treatment she needs, and that is only done once the child admits they need help.


I hope that your son gets some treatment to be a better parent and will re-connect with you. That’s a bummer about the childhood vaccines, I hope the dear child does not suffer.
I hope that as the child gets older they will prompt him to get back in touch with you!

In the meantime, think of it as a break. Perhaps getting the child birthday cards to keep and give her once y’all are re-connected. I’m not sure about gifts since it may be a few years.

Blessings, OurWorld

[proffrench]

My son did call me Saturday night and it was a positive phone call. He began, as usual, acting as if nothing had happened. I was pleasant and went along with it. But then he did address the outburst from a week ago. He said he had further investigated the childhood vaccine issue (the cause of the outburst because I dropped my jaw when he said he was not vaccinating his baby) and found that he "could live" with giving her polio, DPT and MMR vaccines. So that was good. He actually did say that he was sorry that the conversation had gone so badly so fast-- and in front of his in-laws. He wanted to be more positive going forward and I said that I wanted that too. I told him that we may not always agree, but that my love was unconditional no matter what was said. I'm not fooling myself... I know this can all change in a heartbeat, but I'll take the respite from anger when it comes. I wished him a very happy Father's Day and told him his daughter was lucky to have such a loving father. So all quiet on the western front for now.....

[Ourworld]

That is so wonderful!!! I’m so, so happy for you!

They do say that BPD gets better in their 30’s and 40’s so hopefully my daughter will contact me before I leave, I will be going to training in NC in late Sept., but will not leave the country for several months after that (as far as I know so far).

Many blessings and peace, OurWorld