I can't take my father anymore

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been living in hell for the last 3 months. My father, who most likely has BPD, had a "mental breakdown" (that we believe was all staged) and got a medical leave since March.
Living with him has always been difficult, but manageable as he's always worked a lot and stayed apart from us for most of the day. Unfortunately with this leave we had to deal with him almost 24/7. The first 2 months were tough but we made it work somehow and he was very "peaceful" (we think he was pretending, so our hypothesis is that he needed to act the part of a burnout/sick person), he just didn't do anything. But as he got "better" (which means the same as he's always been) he started to get on our nerves. He is very autoritharian, he doesn't know how to communicate and he expects us to understand his thoughts before he even said anything. It is SO exausting...he also doesn't know how to be social? Like he says inapropriate things and laughs in awkward moments, he is very suspicious all the time, like if he buys something that just seems slightly "out of place" he starts saying the person that sold him that was lying and scheming against him, tricking him and so on. And this is a daily occurence as well.
Anyway, that's our daily life now, very uncomfortable and keeps us on our toes.
About a month ago I had a small fight with him and I wanted to know if anyone else has this problem: he says things and doesn't remember them (or pretends not to), like he asked me something dumb and manipulative, so I asked him why would he say that to me? And he just stared at me, and didn't know what he had just said, even asking many times he would fumble and not answer. What the hell is this? He does this every time he gets a little angry (all the frea**** time) he starts spouting nonsense and if we ask what he means or why he is saying that he just stares and says some other dumb thing or like, dissociates? I really don't know what this is...
It's really taking a toll on me, I get super angry because he doesn't listen when we talk, when we fight he gets how I described, so there's nothing to do...he says he wants help but every alternative we suggest makes him angry and he doesn't accept, it's like he's really spoiled and if we don't answer exactly what he wants we are nuisances and idiots who don't help him...how do you deal with this madness? It's nothing more than pure madness, maybe some cognitive loss? He besides being sick he's also dumb? Or just manipulative, a liar, a jerk and having no decency?
I have a really low income but I'm thinking of living home so I don't have more health issues because of him, I feel like I'm on the brink of a heart attack.

[Zarrow]

I've been living in hell for the last 3 months. My father, who most likely has BPD, had a "mental breakdown" (that we believe was all staged) and got a medical leave since March.
Living with him has always been difficult, but manageable as he's always worked a lot and stayed apart from us for most of the day. Unfortunately with this leave we had to deal with him almost 24/7. The first 2 months were tough but we made it work somehow and he was very "peaceful" (we think he was pretending, so our hypothesis is that he needed to act the part of a burnout/sick person), he just didn't do anything. But as he got "better" (which means the same as he's always been) he started to get on our nerves. He is very autoritharian, he doesn't know how to communicate and he expects us to understand his thoughts before he even said anything. It is SO exausting...he also doesn't know how to be social? Like he says inapropriate things and laughs in awkward moments, he is very suspicious all the time, like if he buys something that just seems slightly "out of place" he starts saying the person that sold him that was lying and scheming against him, tricking him and so on. And this is a daily occurence as well.
Anyway, that's our daily life now, very uncomfortable and keeps us on our toes.
About a month ago I had a small fight with him and I wanted to know if anyone else has this problem: he says things and doesn't remember them (or pretends not to), like he asked me something dumb and manipulative, so I asked him why would he say that to me? And he just stared at me, and didn't know what he had just said, even asking many times he would fumble and not answer. What the hell is this? He does this every time he gets a little angry (all the frea**** time) he starts spouting nonsense and if we ask what he means or why he is saying that he just stares and says some other dumb thing or like, dissociates? I really don't know what this is...
It's really taking a toll on me, I get super angry because he doesn't listen when we talk, when we fight he gets how I described, so there's nothing to do...he says he wants help but every alternative we suggest makes him angry and he doesn't accept, it's like he's really spoiled and if we don't answer exactly what he wants we are nuisances and idiots who don't help him...how do you deal with this madness? It's nothing more than pure madness, maybe some cognitive loss? He besides being sick he's also dumb? Or just manipulative, a liar, a jerk and having no decency?
I have a really low income but I'm thinking of living home so I don't have more health issues because of him, I feel like I'm on the brink of a heart attack.

[Notwendy]

How old are you Zarrow- and who else is at home with your BPD father?

I agree- living with someone with these behaviors is difficult. I have a BPD mother and as a teen, one of my wishes was to become financially independent from my parents so I could have my own place. Sometimes though, there are steps in between. I had to finish school first.

If you are living with your parents for financial reasons, it would be good to have a strategy for your own independence. If it is difficult to do so all at once- what can you do to prepare for a better income? Time and costs are a factor. Probably the best resources are community colleges/trade schools where you can get a certificate to work at a higher paying job. Some companies will pay for an employee to take classes possibly.

If the situation is imminently dangerous to you, then leaving is a more urgent situation. But if you can prepare for better finances and you aren't in danger- that may be the better path. Also, if you make a goal and are working towards it- it helps your mindset that the situation you are in isn't for the long term- you have a plan for how to change it.

[Zarrow]

Hi, thank you for replying! I hope I get this right answering you.
I'm 25 years old, living with my father and 2 other relatives(the light of my days, they're both very stable and dear to me - it's thanks to them that I got away with only mild consequences of having my father around).
I'm really sorry you went through this with your mother, it must have been insanely difficult
Yes, the steps in between are so hard to "wait" for!! I'm doing my best, studying and pursuing my masters and postgraduate degrees...I hope this way I get a good job and stability to leave the house...I ~think~ I'm in the right path but dear God it's so hard to wait for things to get better. Did you make it out okay? Was it this painful to wait?
I am not in danger physically speaking, although a couple of weeks ago I was afraid my father would resort to physical violence, nothing came out of it (thank God).
Do you and others also feel terribly attacked by bpd relatives? Like, when we argue he is so mean and evil. It doesn't make any sense with what we are saying but he makes awful remarks about personal stuff he doesn't even know sometimes, and acts like he is the only one that ever suffered and is suffering (even though we are clearly exhausted and miserable being with him)...are most bpd like this? Totally lacking empathy and absolutely egotistical? It's even impressive sometimes, how well he can just walk through everyone's problems, focus and redirect everything to himself.
I really really appreciate your reply, I was feeling very angry and lost when I wrote the post, just getting some things out of my chest and having someone that goes through the same to share a bit of wisdom about it, was a relief.

[Notwendy]

Yes, the steps in between are so hard to "wait" for!! I'm doing my best, studying and pursuing my masters and postgraduate degrees...I hope this way I get a good job and stability to leave the house...I ~think~ I'm in the right path but dear God it's so hard to wait for things to get better. Did you make it out okay? Was it this painful to wait?

Totally lacking empathy and absolutely egotistical? It's even impressive sometimes, how well he can just walk through everyone's problems, focus and redirect everything to himself.

Yes, I got my degree and became independent. This is a major step. Once I didn't have to depend on my parents, I was able to make my own choices and they had less control. It is worth it- so hang in there. Your degree is the step to your financial independence.

I had no idea about BPD at your age and didn't realize that this is what is going on until way later. For reference, I am middle age. I didn't know about BPD when I was a student. The knowlege will help you in how to deal with your father.

I didn't go to university near my parents so I didn't live with them. I did finance most of it and had to budget as you are now. But school debt is real and I also had loans to pay back and so if you can minimize that by living at home- then hang in there. If it's unbearable- then perhaps there is something on campus or a shared space with room mates is workable for you too.

I think the tools on this board will help you to be less emotionally reactive to your father. The mean things he says are more about him than you. Best to not defend yourself or get into circular arguments. Read about JADE. Don't try to change his mind. He feels what he feels. Don't try to fix him. You have plenty to do with studying towards your degree. Consider spending more time on campus, in the library so you can have some time to yourself and away from your father.

Most universities have student health centers with counselors. Make use of them to help you deal with family issues. They are safe people to talk to ( and we are here too but this is face to face). I did make use of campus counseling to help with that too.

[Zarrow]

I'm glad things seem to have worked out well for you! I'll keep working hard for my future and take what you said in consideration. I already read a bit on JADE and will try to follow it so I don't get so nervous and upset. And campus counseling seems like a great idea...I'm going to reach out to them. Thank you again ❤️

[Notwendy]

Yes, schoolwise- I worked hard at this and it worked out. This was the key to my own independence. My BPD mother controls people with money (Dad earned it, she controled it) and so I knew that not ever asking or needing my parents' assistance was necessary.

I have had contact ( and drama is part of that) with my family since that time but it felt very freeing to not be dependent on them. Keep your eye on your goals. You will get there!