Analyse and close the file. Pt. 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been following your convoluted journey through BPD-land for some time. Your experiences are so similar to mine that I catch myself worrying about you from time to time!

The mental scars from your relationship will always linger in your mind. There is no question of them disappearing entirely. Tinnitus is a background ringing in the ear, and your thoughts about your ex are a sort of mental tinnitus—the solution is to control their volume, not to end their existence. With mild tinnitus, it is only noticeable during quiet times or when someone mentions it. If I understand correctly, you are not working or in a new relationship yet. In this situation, with so much time on your hands, it is natural that thoughts of your ex will drift through your consciousness. Based on your accounts, the volume of these intrusive thoughts is reduced and will only continue to decrease. So please don't hold yourself to the standard that these thoughts must disappear—they won't. What they will become is incidental and much less bothersome.

From my experience, you are almost certainly going to get a recycle call from her. She uses you as the background upon which she manipulates her current foreground partner. Their situation is, by definition, unstable. She is just itching to use her power to destroy that partner by dumping him and bringing you back around—for another round with her.

One thing I have learned from playing with far too much BPD fire over the years is that, to avoid getting burned, you should never become dependent on them in any way and keep a massive retaining wall between them and your loved ones. To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously. Always wait for her to come back to you, and then bail as calmly as possible at the first sign of dysregulation—knowing full well that another  random recycle is waiting down the road.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You are doing quite well, all things considered. And be warned that her presence will haunt the early stages of any new relationship you start. This is both natural and temporary. As you grow healthier, the mental ringing in your ears she causes will fall to a very gentle hum that as time passes you will rarely notice.

Clusterbeeline - Just wanted to say that I appreciate this perspective. It feels realistic to my situation and just felt settling to read it. Also makes me curious about your story!

OKrunch - I identify with your words of wanting/expecting the recycle that you don't want. Missing, loathing and fearing at the same time. There are days I don't want him at all and I feel strong and clear, and then there are days I swing into the opposite place. It makes me think, 'this is what life must be like for him all the time'.

Time and intentional healing can only help... incremental steps forwards. It sounds like you've done so much already. When a new phase of life begins with new work and new relationships, things may change in much bigger and better ways.

[seekingtheway]

I have been following your convoluted journey through BPD-land for some time. Your experiences are so similar to mine that I catch myself worrying about you from time to time!

The mental scars from your relationship will always linger in your mind. There is no question of them disappearing entirely. Tinnitus is a background ringing in the ear, and your thoughts about your ex are a sort of mental tinnitus—the solution is to control their volume, not to end their existence. With mild tinnitus, it is only noticeable during quiet times or when someone mentions it. If I understand correctly, you are not working or in a new relationship yet. In this situation, with so much time on your hands, it is natural that thoughts of your ex will drift through your consciousness. Based on your accounts, the volume of these intrusive thoughts is reduced and will only continue to decrease. So please don't hold yourself to the standard that these thoughts must disappear—they won't. What they will become is incidental and much less bothersome.

From my experience, you are almost certainly going to get a recycle call from her. She uses you as the background upon which she manipulates her current foreground partner. Their situation is, by definition, unstable. She is just itching to use her power to destroy that partner by dumping him and bringing you back around—for another round with her.

One thing I have learned from playing with far too much BPD fire over the years is that, to avoid getting burned, you should never become dependent on them in any way and keep a massive retaining wall between them and your loved ones. To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously. Always wait for her to come back to you, and then bail as calmly as possible at the first sign of dysregulation—knowing full well that another  random recycle is waiting down the road.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You are doing quite well, all things considered. And be warned that her presence will haunt the early stages of any new relationship you start. This is both natural and temporary. As you grow healthier, the mental ringing in your ears she causes will fall to a very gentle hum that as time passes you will rarely notice.

Clusterbeeline - Just wanted to say that I appreciate this perspective. It feels realistic to my situation and just felt settling to read it. Also makes me curious about your story!

OKrunch - I identify with your words of wanting/expecting the recycle that you don't want. Missing, loathing and fearing at the same time. There are days I don't want him at all and I feel strong and clear, and then there are days I swing into the opposite place. It makes me think, 'this is what life must be like for him all the time'.

Time and intentional healing can only help... incremental steps forwards. It sounds like you've done so much already. When a new phase of life begins with new work and new relationships, things may change in much bigger and better ways.

[ThanksForPlaying]

This is an amazing thread with so much helpful wisdom.  Below are some of the posts that jumped off the page for me.

could it be because you havent accepted that the relationship is over, and allowed yourself to grieve it?
...
for all of us, in the healthiest of situations, every last one of our relationships will end except for the last, because they werent meant to be.

This is helpful to remember.  Because of my own compassion and codependency issues, I often try to keep everyone happy and maintain a friendly relationship with ALL of my exes.  Of course that's totally impossible.

Why do i still constantly think about someone I don't want back, don't want to hear from, and recognize I am generally better off without her in my life.

There are so many reasons why I'm better off without her.  But when people see a photo of us, they say "she's hot - why did you break up with her?" or "you two look so happy and cute together".  Just have to keep reminding myself of the reasons.  It gets (slightly) easier.

The book is over once YOU decide that it's over.  Because at the end of the day, you get to choose.  Choose being stuck, or choose moving on.  It's a choice.

So much time can be spent pining for exes.  It doesn't mean I can never think about them (specifically this one) again - it just means I'm free to do more important things (like eat, or shower, or get out of bed for starters). [See next quote]

im not sure that its realistic to expect not to think of her. the Freedom stage of Detaching isnt "to no longer have thoughts or feelings about the person", but to get to the point where, such as they are, they dont interfere with your overall feelings of well being.
...
if she were dead (relationship endings can be like a death), you probably wouldnt be trying to banish thoughts of her, or beating yourself up for having them, right? sure, you would want to manage them and increasingly not be consumed with grief, but nobody kicks themselves when it happens.

I want the recycle I don't want. I expect the behavior i somewhat fear, and yet, I still miss Dr. Jekyll, despite my loathing of Mr. Hyde. God's this is exhausting.

I totally want the recycle.  But then I know I'll be stuck in the same situation looking for an out.  When I was IN the relationship, I spent all my time looking for the exit ramp.  So bizarre.

She uses you as the background upon which she manipulates her current foreground partner. Their situation is, by definition, unstable. She is just itching to use her power to destroy that partner by dumping him and bringing you back around—for another round with her.
...
To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously. Always wait for her to come back to you, and then bail as calmly as possible at the first sign of dysregulation—knowing full well that another random recycle is waiting down the road.

This is spot-on, and seems simple.  Certainly not easy in practice, but makes sense on paper.

[Pook075]

I spent a year in therapy learning how to identify the attachment issues, and educating myself on why BPD's tick the way they do. I do not want it back. I do not want her back.   
And yet...… 
I still find myself thinking about these patterns. Expecting the implosion of her relationship and the subsequent recycle attempts, to which I know I would still struggle to resist answering, despite knowing what that would entail.   
Although I doubt its legitimately intentional, because they truly believe what they believe when they believe it, it is like they do these pattern based things to keep your mind on it well after they aren't in your life.   
So they'll always own piece of your mind.   
significant anniversaries and birthdays don't help.

Even well over a year removed, the brain worms still wriggle.

 
I want the recycle I don't want. I expect the behavior i somewhat fear,

and yet, I still miss Dr. Jekyll, despite my loathing of Mr. Hyde.   
God's this is exhausting.

Hey buddy, greetings from the Philippines!  I hopped on today specifically to check on you and I hope you're well.

I can relate, I still think about my ex from time to time...but not in an emotional relationship way.  I'm getting married in 5 days though and I'm very happy in a mostly normal, stable relationship.  We do have our moments where we argue or she goes silent on me to pout, but it's forgiven and forgotten by the end of the day.  And that's what I've realized...it's the ability to forgive and forget that it near impossible for a BPD individual.  That one little thing changes everything.

Hang in there, you've come so far over the past few years.