We met in high-school at 15years old, he was funny, goofy, committed, and positive, a good listener, good looking, good kisser, good boyfriend and and most importantly my BEST FRIEND.
I am autistic, have major depressive disorder and a panic disorder (all undercontrol within the past year) so I know that I wasn't a very stable person myself in the past
it was like when he turned 20 I started to lose him.
He became distant, dissociative, anxious, accusatory, jealous, mean and it only became worse over the years. I tried SO hard to find that guy I once fell on love with. And I feel like he either changed into someone I don't recognize anymore or he is dealing with a mental condition (petulant bpd) which is bigger than either of us can fix
Our relationship from the last 5 years of our 10 years has been confusing, volitile, push and pull, that has now led me to where i am today.
Dumped again, confused, and heartbroken.
Now this is a summary of our back and forth over the years:
First year uni, he promised he'd move out with me (we were doing long distance) he finally admitted he wasn't ready to leave his family
I moved to him because I couldn't do long distance anymore and I wanted to have this work
A year goes by its good for the most part, little fights here and there, his anxiety was very subtle
He says we should move back so I can be around family and go back to university
I go first, get a place for us decorate it and make it comfortable
He comes and life is good for the first 4 months then his issues began, his mental well-being started to change, we would fight because he would treat me like a roommate instead of his partner, he said he felt like he was coasting, dissociative, anxious, we tried to patch things
We separated but still slept in the same bed and was often intimate still (dysfunctional I know, but I really hoped he'd see he still loved me)
We even moved to a new city together
He went in the spare bedroom- this was the hardest time for me. He would say he missed kissing me and being close and then I'd ask for closure about our status and what he felt for me and he would say he didn't have romantic feelings anymore for me. He said he felt cloudy-unsure of himself insecure- a fluctuating identity
I told him to move out.
(My mom helped move his things... bless her)
I didn't talk to him for 4 months then-- then we were back to figuring it out. He would go from "here's my best friend Missy, the most talented amazing person in my life and I want to have her help me with my projects. Ill include her in my new friend group and have her over" then we'd end up kissing and doing things, because our chemistry is magnetic.. i had started wearing my promise ring again, as it seemed like he and i were mending things... "I see a life with you, when im with you I'm on top of the world, i love you" and NOT 5 MIN LATER "we should just be friends, I need space, I feel unsure about everything, i dont know if i can move forward with you".
This happened 3-4 times of intimacy and then blunt detachment and devaluation.
To which I finally snapped and slapped him, saying he's treating me like a wh*re and he can't keep lying to me to get me to be physical.
I went home feeling like a monster, I know I shouldn't have hit him, I was hoping it would wake him up to the turmoil he put me thru.
he said he needed space to figure himself out, I was heartbroken but I needed to work on myself and deal with my own mental health (to which I saw emdr therapy, dbt, and talk therapy as well as got diagnosed with autism and crohns disease while doing school and dealing with my childhood trauma)
He said he would see what life looked like with me after his school was finished.
He called me a few times, messaged me on newyears and my birthday, endeding up in phone s*x
him telling me how badly he missed me.
Sometimes I messaged first but he always replied.
graduation approached
I was looking forward to showing him all the progress I'd made in therapy, the new healthier me.
He said he was looking forward to it
A letter comes saying how he doesn't have feelings for me (even though he wrote he still loves me in the following paragraph)
He would promise we'd fix this, that we were a team, that he loved me, cared about me.
It was incoherent, full of contradictory statements, then promises that he hopes in the future things might work out between us.
Ooh boy I was mad
I admit I went a bit ballistic sending him voice messages calling him a liar and a coward.
We didn't talk for 3 weeks, he asked to meet up, and i brought a box of things of his.
It had been 18 months since I'd seen him
He hugged me and sat at the park for hours, he apologized for the letter saying he was in A state of anxiety and irrational fear when he wrote it, he regretted the letter and wished he never sent it, he said he still has feelings for me
We agreed to go slow and go with the flow
His behavior became more and more eratic, he would come over be intimate, talk about the past, then have a panic attack about putting labels on it and what it meant for his life (what his mother would think)
I was much more calm and flexible, ok with being this nonspecific thing but not wanting to be used again, and it went on a couple months,
hopeful he would come around if I just gave him time.
He eventually agreed that we were "going steady but on the down low" which was fine with me because I had a sense of security finally..
He had gone home to visit his family and brought me up in conversation to which his mother stated "if you got back together with her I'd be so disappointed in you"
Little did she know we had been together for 3 months.
He came back even more devoted to a relationship with me in spite of his mother and asked me out on our first official date (unfortunately the last we would ever have). It felt really good and i recall saying this was the closest i felt to him in a long time. We cooked for each other, playes games, i even hung out with his friends again..
he became more inwardly focused and began picking fights with me on things I'd done in our teen years (before i was on any medication and before i knew i had autism). I saw this as us working thru our stuff, but he never forgave me and held those grudges even now..
We had forest fires that summer and I was evacuated from my home so I went and stayed with him and his school roommates
his turbulent behavior increased, he accused me of doing things to manipulate the situation between us, or purposely outshining him when we were with his friends, that he was insecure because i was staying there-due to my things being in his space ( he didn't have a problem with me staying over for s*x but when my stuff was stored there b/c of the evacuation-- he felt his identity threatened) I did my best to be unassuming, helpful, cleaning the whole house, mopping the floors, sweeping, dishes, even making pancake breakfast for everyone one day and making sushi another day
(I did this lovingly, I have a huge fear of being a burden-- his mom used to say I was a burden to him in our high-school relationship-- and giving/making things and food for others is a way I show my love and i was grateful to have a place to stay with my cats)
had a hard conversation about wanting to finally be public and actually official as his girlfriend (it had been six months of us being together again) which started an emotional argument about his need for freedom and how he's afraid I'd compromise his future,
We talked about his fear of commitment and he blurted out "well then be my girlfriend"
I knew it was too good to be true and asked him to think about what he wanted and he backed out saying he wasn't ready and how ashamed and angry he was that he said it because he knew I wanted it.
(His resented me for wanting things- and had huge anxiety about disappointing me by having his own or opposite feelings that instead of being honest with what he wanted he came to hate me for wanting to have a real relationship with him.)
Week passes- He invites me to talk around the firepit- he gets me drive thu chicky nuggies and fries (my favorite) and I meet him there. I'm hopeful he's going to apologize and ask to be official
he goes from laughing to he changes his tone, in a way that was scary, he looked at me like he saw thru me and whatever I said to him wouldn't make any difference between us. He said he can't do this anymore, that either we be friends or nothing at all.
I had a total autism meltdown sat on the grass UGLY crying,
he was supposed to love me, he said he loved me, I didn't understand.
He said something about not sure if he can get over some of the things I did and said in the past.
I remember saying f*ck you and leaving (it's kind of what I say when I dont know what else)
I thought about driving off the bridge that night (every time he's done this, my suicidal ideation comes crashing in)
He comes over, I'm making supper for both of us, a family recipe for roasted carrots, squash, and sweet potato (I try to win love with food it seems)
He apologizes for the terrible timing and his out of control emotions.
We go sit on my bed and talk about his fears of commitment, his problems with his mom, how he feels so small compared to me, how he feels incapable of his own life, how he doesn't know whose voice is in his head telling him to do things, he has a low sense of self, how badly our relationship has made him question things、 how I hurt him, and this hurt caused him so much pain that he has dragged this on for so long, that he's not strong, he said he's going to work on himself and come back so we can be happy together. He says no matter where I am in the world he will come when he's ready. That he will be committed and be able to say i love you whole heartedly
2 months go by
He wishes me a happy birthday
2 more months
I message him and invite him to my grad art show in April,
He invites me over
We hug, and I felt so safe in his arms
Him saying goodbyes never last forever with us. He's been going to therapy, he works like crazy, we are both so happy to see each other
He comes to my art show We have a good time
We see each other later that month, he admits to having a p*rn addiction and that he's working on it, I support him and love him unconditionally, I value his honest communication
I see him once a week for a bit
His anxiety is bad, I bring up being on a new medication
He is resistant to seeing a doctor
He accuses me of trying to run his life and is afraid of what i mean when i say hes unwell, I back off the subject
He and I see each other again, I baked him cookies, to make him feel better since his anxiety has been so bad
We are intimate, I laugh and smile the whole time, I feel like he's really there, present. We finish, shower together he washes my hair and kisses me.
We are back in bed he begins being romantic again, I tell him to take a break and a breather - he freaks out on himself fearing he's outta control and has a panic attack regarding a triggering memory with someone he dated briefly during our separation- which resulted in her saying shes scared of him, I reassure him we can go at whatever pace he needs to feel comfortable.
Family friend passes away, I need someone to watch my cats I ask him, he is hesitant
I confronted his behavior
he fears I use these events to manipulate him and our relationship, I hurt since it was an unexpected death, and he assumed I had an agenda behind asking for help.
I proposed medication again, he was so upset that I was saying something is wrong with himand how I keep pressuring him, and how he can't talk to me, he's too scared to talk to me, he needs space and I'm not giving it.
We met up and he admitted he needs help、 he was going to the doctor to get on something for his anxiety and was sorry
he thanked me for fighting so hard for him
. He got on medication and he struggled with side effects、 I kept my distance cause i know how up and down the first few weeks can be
baked cookies again
He says "I'm so effing scared of being in a relationship with you, you scare me, I'm afraid to be honest and vulnerable"
I try to reassure him that it's okay and we will go slow and I have no expectations right now since he's just started medications
He gets upset
I begin to cry
He brings up something i said in a fight 7 years ago and the slap incident almost 2 years ago at this point
He says how angry he is at himself for not sticking up for himself in our relationship
He says how he wishes we could have gone our separate ways and he would have figured all this
PLEASE READ out without thus back and forth then we would have met again and been happy
I ask seriously if he's leaving me again he needs to tell me so I know what I'm doing, if I need to check myself in at the hospital. I'm trying to not have a repeat of the last few times I felt like ending it.
He changes tones
He begins to have a panic attack, saying that it's not my fault, and lays on the floor sobbing, that he worries about me and cares.
He says he just wants to be confident with me
And wishes he wasnt putting me thru this all the time
I say I understand that he's got alot he's working thru
He says we will figure it out
That we are friends
That were a team
He says just because he's not affectionate doesn't mean he doesn't have affection for me
We hug and I leave
I write him a long apology for anything I said that made him feel like he couldn't talk about the past, that I'm here for him, and always willing to work things out with him, that I wasn't able to be there for him back then but I am now. realized how if I could take away that pressure he feels that I expect being in a relationship romantically、
maybe I can have my friend back, like the one I had all those years ago.
He leaves me unread for a few days
I try my best to discard the intuition I feel about what's going to happen
He asks to call me,
I explain how important it is to have my best friend, how i get how he might feel like theres pressure on him to be my partner.
He cut me off asking if I was finished talking
He accused me having a hidden meaning behind asking if he liked me or not-- to pressure him to be my partner. of using my mental health struggles and suicidal thoughts to control what he says.
This was the same tone and voice I had heard at the firepit.
This wasn't my friend.
He said my suicidal thoughts weren't his problem, my happiness wasn't his problem, and he was no longer responsible for me and what I do.
I was so choked, I have never experienced such venom from him
He says how he's not happy with me
I said he promised he wouldn't do this again
He said "well I guess I have to learn to not make promises I can't keep anymore"
I asked why he lied to me about everything
"I did it only to make you happy、I didn't really mean it"
It was like he died, I didn't know who I was talking to anymore, he was so confusing with I still hope we work out in the future, I love parts of you, I care about you, and then flipping to say hes scared of me, resentful and cannot forgive
Itold him he's a liar & I hate that I love him still, I hope he figures his life out, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for this
He said he couldn't listen to me anymore
I said f*ck you, it's not fair
And he hung up on me
After writing it all out and really analyzing his behavior, my heart breaks for him
I know I'm codependent, eternally hopeful things would work out, forgiving,forgetful of the pain
I lived alot of our years together hoping he'd be that person and see me for me instead of the resented imaginary me..
Either he's turned into this toxic person I don't know or he's afflicted by something like bpd.
the man I fell in love with in high-school is the one I fought so many years to get back
