following through with divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Filed for divorce with court, and papers have been served in recent weeks.   No catastrophes yet.   Just the usual barrage of attacks at first, then giving way to invitations to come back and work on the relationship.  I told her I was sorry but this was the only choice I could see and I am not changing my mind.   There may be a big dispute over money, but my attorney assures me that it doesn't have legs.   We are staying out of each others way at home.   After getting past the emotional inertia that was holding me back, instead of feeling shattered I am just feeling a numbness against a background of grief that comes and goes.   And I am tired.   

[eightdays]

Filed for divorce with court, and papers have been served in recent weeks.   No catastrophes yet.   Just the usual barrage of attacks at first, then giving way to invitations to come back and work on the relationship.  I told her I was sorry but this was the only choice I could see and I am not changing my mind.   There may be a big dispute over money, but my attorney assures me that it doesn't have legs.   We are staying out of each others way at home.   After getting past the emotional inertia that was holding me back, instead of feeling shattered I am just feeling a numbness against a background of grief that comes and goes.   And I am tired.   

[livednlearned]

It's really sad it had to come to this and no matter how right the decision is, I imagine it's still quite painful? I couldn't run fast enough out of my BPD marriage and yet the pain really hobbled me for a while. I guess it's also about grieving the loss of the dream when you marry this person.

Your stbx may not be a high-conflict person, although sometimes the legal system can kick things up a notch, for both sides. I never got used to receiving legal stuff in the mail. My L would explain things on the phone and then that fat wad of paper would land in my mailbox and each time my heart would skip a beat, not to mention the dread of reading things in legal language.

I noticed my ex's BPD traits (high conflict all the way) would peak after legal actions. He would rattle cages and then the next day go back to the usual baseline. As though 25 texts in a short period calling me names I can't repeat here never happened.

Are you seeing a therapist to help guide you through this?

[ForeverDad]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

[EyesUp]

Now that you’ve made the decision, you’ll be acclimating to major changes….  Here’s what you might have to look forward to:

First, the divorce process can be like taking on a full time job.  And you’ll still be navigating things with your stbx…

When this is over at some point down the road, what will you do with all the time and energy you get back? If you’re no longer caretaking/walking on eggshells, negotiating, litigating….  Suddenly having bandwidth for yourself can be thrilling - or unsettling.  It’s a great opportunity to reconnect with yourself and focus on your own likes, preferences, priorities, health, friends, family, hobbies, work…

Until then, it sounds like you’re still cohabitating - stay vigilant and keep a voice recorder going 24/7, just in case you need to mitigate false accusations at some point.

The suggestion to work with a counselor/therapist is a good one.  Should be a requirement, imo.

Take care and good luck navigating your next steps.

[eightdays]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

I realized through this experience that my father had some elements of these patterns when I was growing up, more on the narcissistic side but prone to intense rages.   I'm a little shy about sharing much because I don't want to be recognized.   I had heard from my counselor that many people take a very long time to disentangle.  I did have the hardest time I can remember getting from frightened and confused to a place of acceptance and resolve.   My attorney was the one that helped me most to feel confident.   There are no kids which I do think makes a big difference.    When I saw what was happening though I was just like NO, this is not going to be my life and i processed this relatively fast I guess.  I don't want to minimize it, it was bad.   I was attached to someone self-destructive, destructive to my emotional well-being (which has had some serious physical manifestations), and destructive to my finances and assets, that at some level has been stuck emotionally at age 2.   We came to a point where I was no longer able to be vulnerable with her, and so there was no emotional intimacy anymore.   She has become someone I have been caretaking that is a slow poison to my life, and not a partner.   We were friends for decades, together over 10 years, but only married the last 4.   I always knew something was off kilter but the really offensive behavior (raging, splitting, blaming, reality distortion, gaslighting and others) did not start until some time after we were married.   I recognized the behavior as abuse early on which I think many people do not, so I'm thankful in that regard.   Whether I was recreating my emotional past is sort of a complicated subject.    In some ways yes, others no.   But when my counselor pointed out to me late last year what the traits I was seeing were associated with I was able to connect the dots as I just saw someone write and I just did not want to be stuck in this situation.

I did want to check in here and post though, because I read so many horror stories here and that was part of what was stressing me out.   I feel much improved now so far and can see the light in the distance.   I haven't needed as much support or help as I thought I might.

[eightdays]

As time has gone by now a bit, my partner is beginning to have more episodes and is splitting.   Threats about legal action, accusations, and trying to take everything I built and all my money.   

I am having a much harder time this week, but I remind myself this is why I am divorcing.

[PeteWitsend]

As time has gone by now a bit, my partner is beginning to have more episodes and is splitting.   Threats about legal action, accusations, and trying to take everything I built and all my money.   

I am having a much harder time this week, but I remind myself this is why I am divorcing.

I think you need to "expect the unexpected" with them during a divorce, for better or worse. 

They might just kinda go away once they realize what's going on and that they can't manipulate the process the way they'd like to.  Or when they get their bill for attorney's fees and realize the more time they waste, the more expensive it gets for them. And also, judges, lawyers, court clerks, etc. hear their crap all day long, and don't care to hear more from a pwBPD who has an obvious axe to grind, so their attempts to find someone to listen to their sob stories usually backfire on them. 

That being said, they might also make things worse by making really unhinged or bizarre allegations to try to establish some "control" over the situation.  I haven't read too many stories here about divorce with a pwBPD really being that bad unless there are kids involved, and fortunately for you, there are not.   

I think they also process information so differently from non-BPD people that it doesn't become "real" to them until later in the process, or until things really are finalized and they can't go back.  Maybe that's why her behavior is getting worse... she finally saw the light, and realized she lost the control over you that she had, and now she's trying to escalate things in order to get that back.

Remember to keep a record of all that's said and done; record face-to-face interactions, if any.  Get your files in order with respect to finances.

I hated having to do it, but BPDxw was claiming I "stole" money from her; she seemed to like to re-write our relationship so that she was the one who was financially established & had a career, and I was the one mooching off her, when the opposite was closer to the truth.  I had to get over 5 years of monthly invoices from one of my accounts in place to show that I never deposited money in it during our marriage, and thus all the assets were mine.  It was a huge pain, but she shut up after that once we provided them to her attorney.

[PeteWitsend]

...  It was a huge pain, but she shut up after that once we provided them to her attorney.

actually, this part isn't true.  Every so often after our divorce was finalized, she'd send me an email rant about what a bad person I was, and allege again that I "stole" money from her. 

As much as that would annoy me, I just ignored them.  I remember some advice family members gave me after that: silence is golden; and also staying silent when they're clearly trying to get a rise out of you is the best way to make them angry.  By responding, you're giving them what they want.  And also that if you're legally separated, but still repeating the same behavior patterns with your ex, you didn't get your money's worth out of the divorce!

[eightdays]

Thank you.  Yes I know I cannot predict her behavior and so while I expect the unexpected it is nerve wracking.   I prepared for this well, and collected all the documentation a long time ago.   I keep a daily journal of interactions which are mostly text messages now.   I'm just bummed out right now wondering if any of the claims she is making have any possibility of going anywhere.   I've gone over it all with a good attorney and I trust his opinion but the stakes are so high for me.