Space, Recovery, Split Again... And I'm lost once more

[BunnyFace29]

After binge-reading and going down a YouTube rabbit hole, I had been handling my husband's demands for space and bids for attention with a calm, cool, and collected demeanor. And it was working - while he is more riled than ever and seeming to be right at the surface constantly, he was also cooling off very quickly and asking for affection... even if he didn't want me to initiate any sort of hand holding, kisses, or pet names.

Tonight, though, he once again shouted at me - this time because I left his debit card in the center console of the car as I was worried about it falling from the shallow pocket of my pants, and had to wrangle an armful of groceries, my kiddo's lunchbox, and my preschooler inside. While I am fully aware of his hatred of misplaced things and particularly cards/wallets left in the car, when he stated he needed the card back I let him know what happened and exactly where the card was, and that I could retrieve it from the exact location as it was not lost. Meltdown. Divorce threats. "YOU HAVE 30 PLEASE READING SECONDS TO GET MY CARD, TIME NOW!"

I'm proud of myself. Old me would've cried or apologized. I took a breath, walked out and got it, and handed it to him. He told me to leave him the PLEASE READ alone and I walked away. He called me back over and said I don't understand what that does to him. I apologized for any undue stress, explained the circumstances again, and affirmed I knew where it was. I was firm. When he told me to go away again, away I went. Now there's worlds of space between us again and I'm left wondering how much longer until I can have affection or empathy again.

I know I'm one of the lucky ones. My husband isn't typically violent, he's been undiagnosed 11 years and while it's not been sunshine and roses in the slightest, I'm unharmed and I still have positive memories with him. I just learned what this is and saw all the pieces fit together and I'm already tired of waiting for him to stabilize enough for me to bring therapy up again, or hope he has one of his rare moments of clarity where he apologizes and asks for help...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

It hurts to want connection and affection in a marriage and not get it. We're wired for connection.

BPD puts some serious limitations on the sufferer's emotional capacity. Sometimes BPD relationships are described as "emotional special needs" relationships -- it can be that impaired/limited. We're wired to want more emotional connection but aren't getting it, or aren't getting it consistently/predictably. It's difficult, kind of like if one of your core values were mountaineering but your partner used a wheelchair. There's just a built in limitation on your partner doing something really important to you, so it's back in your lap how you're going to navigate that (managing the disappointment) and if the relationship is even sustainable. It can be; radical acceptance is often a big part of that.

I'm already tired of waiting for him to stabilize enough for me to bring therapy up again, or hope he has one of his rare moments of clarity where he apologizes and asks for help...

Therapy for him? for you? for both of you?