Letting go with love (writing a letter to my ex)

[Missygirl]

Hi all, I've been debating writing him a letter since we broke up last week, the first letter I wrote was pretty angry and accusatory, but the more I read on BPD the more I feel sad for him and his struggles (if this is what he's going thru) so I know I had to take a different approach, the second attempt at writing a letter I was more "here's what's wrong with you、 don't you see, you need help"  - that's not going to be digested well by him but it helped to write down.
Then I had a really good talk with my grandma today (whose known both of us since we were 15 ) and she said
Let go with love- be always hoping he can overcome this, but don't let it impact your wellbeing anymore.
So here's my third attempt at a letter and I doubt I'll do much changes on it *unless there's any suggestions?* then I'll write it out on some nice paper and mail it when I get back from my vacation in August ( I need to sit on it for a bit more but I want to send him a goodbye before School starts in september- so I can really focus on my work and not drag these feelings anymore)

-----

I let you go with love

It pains me to have to detach from you, but your actions and behaviors have profoundly impacted me

I see your struggles and wish i could fix them, but I have to look out for me.
I know I can't do this push pull cycle anymore.

I strongly feel that this is something bigger than either of us could have fixed, and I wish only for your further introspection and healing from your emotions and behaviors within our relationship from the past 10 years.

I will always care deeply about you and sincerely wish the best for you in your life.
despite everything that's been said and done

I hope for so much for you and your life
I hope you can get to a better place one day.
I hope you are able to find peace and stability mentally and emotionally.
I hope you get to a point where you take responsibility for the way you treat others and yourself, and you prioritize healthy honest communication in all of your relationships.
I hope you seek out the reasons you acted the way you have and really identify the patterns of behavior and where they come from
I hope you seek a diagnosis to better understand and treat whatever is going on with you.
I hope you continue bettering yourself, staying in therapy, finding what medication makes your symptoms manageable
I hope you can admit you're unwell and be willing to seek the appropriate treatment.
I hope you have a healthier relationship with your family and you deal with the childhood trauma that plagues you
I hope you let go your anger and resentment
I hope you heal from your hurt

I hope you find yourself again
I hope you smile more
I hope you can love and will be loved
I hope you forgive yourself for things out of your control
I hope your confidence blossoms
I hope you follow your dreams and aren't afraid to make mistakes.
I hope you go all in on the things that bring you joy
I hope you  stand tall and be proud of yourself, proud of your choices.
I hope you to trust yourself and find a balanced inner compass.
I hope you can be free from your addictions and habits
I hope you treat others how you wish to be treated
I hope you fight to be a better person
I hope you try your best in everything you do
I hope you ask for help when you need it
I hope you realize I was never against you and only cared
I hope you remember all the good memories we've shared together

I hope you can be happy
I hope you can get healthy

And most importantly

I hope you never give up on yourself


I will always think fondly of you, and I hope to see you again one day.
 

But until then..

I hope you take good care of yourself.


----

What do you guys think? Do you think he'll be receptive? Have you ever written a letter to your person? Have you ever said goodbye?

Do you think my boundaries are clear? That I don't want to have him in my life unless he's healthy.

I know I have no obligation to write him anything but I just feel like the way he ended it with me was so upsetting, that for both of us this might give a bit of closure...

-missy

[tina7868]

What a beautiful message! It balances telling him how you feel from a place of power, as well as kindness and understanding. It shows that you value yourself, and that you also care a lot about him.

Then I had a really good talk with my grandma today (whose known both of us since we were 15 ) and she said
Let go with love- be always hoping he can overcome this, but don't let it impact your wellbeing anymore.
So here's my third attempt at a letter and I doubt I'll do much changes on it *unless there's any suggestions?* then I'll write it out on some nice paper and mail it when I get back from my vacation in August ( I need to sit on it for a bit more but I want to send him a goodbye before School starts in september- so I can really focus on my work and not drag these feelings anymore)

What a lovely suggestion from your grandma 

As for when and if to send the letter, I think it is wise to sit on it a bit more. There is no rush to convey this sort of message. You can take the time to explore how you feel. Writing it is more for yourself than for him. Here are some questions that may help in that reflection: what is your goal in sending the letter to him? how do you, knowing him, think he might respond? how would it make you feel if he 1) didn`t respond at all, 2) responded negatively, 3) responded and now opened the dialogue back up? how would you want to show up in these different scenarios?

Again, I think this is a beautiful message. If you feel inclined, I would also suggest writing more about you! Not necessarily to be included in a letter to him, but what do you wish for yourself? You write such beautiful sentiments towards him, wishing him to smile, to be loved, to follow his dreams...what would you wish for yourself?

I know what I wish that you find peace and serenity and love and trust regardless of whether this person is in your life or not. I wish that you love yourself and you know that you tried your best. I wish that you hold your head up high and keep learning and growing, and that you feel lightness in your heart.

[once removed]

this is the sort of letter that says what you want to say, and gets it out. thats a really valuable exercise; i wrote several myself.

it is not the sort of letter, necessarily, that is going to be heard the way you would like it to be.

I hope you can get to a better place one day.
I hope you are able to find peace and stability mentally and emotionally.
I hope you get to a point where you take responsibility for the way you treat others and yourself, and you prioritize healthy honest communication in all of your relationships.
I hope you seek out the reasons you acted the way you have and really identify the patterns of behavior and where they come from
I hope you seek a diagnosis to better understand and treat whatever is going on with you.
I hope you continue bettering yourself, staying in therapy, finding what medication makes your symptoms manageable
I hope you can admit you're unwell and be willing to seek the appropriate treatment.
I hope you have a healthier relationship with your family and you deal with the childhood trauma that plagues you
I hope you let go your anger and resentment
I hope you heal from your hurt

if i received these words, i would probably hear a very different message than you are intending. i would hear "you are broken, and your brokenness is the reason that we broke up. i really hope you realize that some day".

its hard navigating a breakup. there are a lot of things left unsaid. often times, we spent our relationships feeling like we werent heard, and want to be heard now all the more.

i think it would be a good idea to sit with it some more, and see how you feel in some time. you can keep putting your feelings down in the mean time; it helps to process them.

[jaded7]

Hi all, I've been debating writing him a letter since we broke up last week, the first letter I wrote was pretty angry and accusatory, but the more I read on BPD the more I feel sad for him and his struggles (if this is what he's going thru) so I know I had to take a different approach, the second attempt at writing a letter I was more "here's what's wrong with you、 don't you see, you need help"  - that's not going to be digested well by him but it helped to write down.
Then I had a really good talk with my grandma today (whose known both of us since we were 15 ) and she said
Let go with love- be always hoping he can overcome this, but don't let it impact your wellbeing anymore.
So here's my third attempt at a letter and I doubt I'll do much changes on it *unless there's any suggestions?* then I'll write it out on some nice paper and mail it when I get back from my vacation in August ( I need to sit on it for a bit more but I want to send him a goodbye before School starts in september- so I can really focus on my work and not drag these feelings anymore)

I wrote a letter or two like this myself. I ultimately decided to not send it, but the act of writing it out was good for me. It helped clarify.

I didn't send it because, for me, I recognized that it partly was partly about me wanting her to see me and to see how hurtful her words and behaviors were and how completely wrong she was.

Bu.....I already knew she couldn't see me, and I already knew she couldn't see how her words and behaviors affected me. She'd proven it many times. So, in my case, it would have just been more adding to the cycle. Me trying to be heard, her refusing to see me. Me wanting her to recognize her mean behavior, she not acknowledging it. And I knew she could, and would, then twist and turn it around on me...how demanding and needy I am, how I don't _______ or ________.

I loved her, and wanted to her to see me and hear me. She did not, and would not. So I just didn't her any more ammunition to tear me down to her friends and family.

[seekingtheway]

I can very much identify the urge to clarify and settle things after you've engaged in a relationship with so much chaos and push and pull. There is so much confusion after this kind of dynamic that the need to distil it and land somewhere more solid can be so strong. There is so much that feels unsaid and misunderstood... writing it down can be so helpful.

However, I would have to agree with Once Removed and say that I suspect your letter wouldn't be taken in the way you intend, and your boundaries and feelings may be lost within the list of thoughts you have about him and what you hope for his healing. I suspect he will read that as you thinking he's broken and at fault for everything, and whether that's true or not, is not a message that anyone likes to hear about themselves.

I went through two major breakups with my ex - the first time I did a very brief message (like, 8 lines in a text message) to wish him well and didn't dig up anything...I dealt with it all alone and in therapy. The second time I went to him with a laundry list of feelings and upset... and I was like a dog with a bone at times trying to make myself heard and understood. Of course, the second way of dealing with it just earned me the title of being a 'stage five clinger', which really hurt and upset me. I think choosing something in the middle of these two approaches would have been better for me in both scenarios.

As Jaded said, sometimes our attempts at having our side seen and validated just give ammunition, so we need to be prepared for it to potentially be used that way... however there's no right or wrong. It's your decision what you think will help YOU find some peace and move on... but I do think it's wise advice to sit on it a little longer and see how you feel later down the track.

[Missygirl]

Hi all, thank you for the wonderful feedback.. I have done alot of thinking and I realized alot.

My motivations for writing this seems to be
1) to be heard and validated
2) hoping he sees I wasn't this clingy terrible monster he painted me out to be
3) trying to be the better person [his breaking up with me over the phone was very cruel]
4) deep down I want him to feel bad for how he treated me.

Definitely not the angelic motive I had originally thought I had.

I have a tendency to reach out first and try to fix things. And Tina made a very good point
 

how do you, knowing him, think he might respond? how would it make you feel if he 1) didn`t respond at all, 2) responded negatively, 3) responded and now opened the dialogue back up? how would you want to show up in these different scenarios?

I think he'd ignore me honestly, I think he's in a really bad headspace and won't see things objectively, I agree with the rest of you that he would probably take it personally and think he's broken... if he did open dialogue I don't know if I could remain peaceful or strong enough not to believe his sweet talking.
I guess I just have a predisposition to fix this. I hate knowing he's mad at me (as unreasonable his reasons were)
It's a definite habit of mine to try to smooth things out
I just dont understand what even happened between us.. what went wrong..

I don't know why I'm so hung up on this idea of him from so long ago..
I know he hasn't treated me with stability consistency or kindness in a long time.

I just wish I knew why. Why he lied to me whether it be the lie of loving me or the lie of wanting to go our separate ways.

Why did he say we'd be fine and he'd always have my back and work through it together only a week later to say he doesn't want to be in my life?

 if he didn't love or care about me why did he keep coming back?
 
Why couldn't he forgive my mistakes from being teenagers together? Why hold on to that resentment?

I would never act in the way he did so why did he think it was ok to push and pull me  leading me on for 3+ years.

Why didn't he just have the guts to leave and stay gone? 

Why didn't he really try to fix things between us?


How do I cope with the possibility of not getting those answers?

My heart hurts, I just wish this was a bad dream.

[seekingtheway]

I think you have amazing awareness to have been able to identify your own motivations in the way you've outlined just there. And all of the things you've listed are so understandable. Of course you want to be heard and have your own pain validated, and of course you don't want to feel like his twisted perception of you is how things are left, and it makes sense that you want him to see and feel bad for the way he's mistreated you. I identify with all of these points.

The questions you're asking yourself are questions that have consumed my mind a lot over the years as well. And at times I come to my own conclusions, but the annoying part is that the rumination and pain don't just disappear when I find the answers. I feel like I have to keep rediscovering the answers on an almost daily basis because the questions keep floating around regardless... and some of that's because this can't make sense to you, because your brain just doesn't operate in the same way.

I think, ultimately, giving yourself as much compassion and gentleness and self-care that you can in this time is going to help your mind to settle and let the answers to your questions sink into place naturally. Therapy will help too.

You might one day get some answers from your ex... I got some answers at times, but my experience in this is that it's not satisfying because his position changed so fluidly, there's no way of trusting whatever he says. His truth is fleeting, whereas I think this is the time to look for solid truths internally and learn to trust yourself again.

I do regret the mass of communication I had with my ex at the end of this time together, but it's done now, and I need to find forgiveness for myself... not that I ever did anything 'wrong' as such, but I felt I lost some self-respect. I spent the last couple of weeks writing a short response for him, should he ever try and make contact again (history says it's possible, so let's see)... and I wrote and re-wrote it many many times, and I've settled on something very short and simple that doesn't let him off the hook, but doesn't blame, shows gratitude for the good times, but also just lets him know it's done. I won't send it to him, but I breathed a sigh of relief after it was done because it was like my head found the clarity it was searching for. Clarity on where I stood and what I thought and wanted. I so think it's very useful to start re-wiring some of the damage in your brain. So feel free to re-write your letter as many times as you like... but keep searching your own intentions the way you have before deciding whether to send it. Ideally, a final version will be one where you don't 'need' anything back from him at all because you've got all the truth and clarity you need already.

[jaded7]

Hi all, thank you for the wonderful feedback.. I have done alot of thinking and I realized alot.

My motivations for writing this seems to be
1) to be heard and validated
2) hoping he sees I wasn't this clingy terrible monster he painted me out to be
3) trying to be the better person [his breaking up with me over the phone was very cruel]
4) deep down I want him to feel bad for how he treated me.

Definitely not the angelic motive I had originally thought I had.

I have a tendency to reach out first and try to fix things. And Tina made a very good point
 
I think he'd ignore me honestly, I think he's in a really bad headspace and won't see things objectively, I agree with the rest of you that he would probably take it personally and think he's broken... if he did open dialogue I don't know if I could remain peaceful or strong enough not to believe his sweet talking.
I guess I just have a predisposition to fix this. I hate knowing he's mad at me (as unreasonable his reasons were)
It's a definite habit of mine to try to smooth things out
I just dont understand what even happened between us.. what went wrong..

I don't know why I'm so hung up on this idea of him from so long ago..
I know he hasn't treated me with stability consistency or kindness in a long time.

I just wish I knew why. Why he lied to me whether it be the lie of loving me or the lie of wanting to go our separate ways.

Why did he say we'd be fine and he'd always have my back and work through it together only a week later to say he doesn't want to be in my life?

 if he didn't love or care about me why did he keep coming back?
 
Why couldn't he forgive my mistakes from being teenagers together? Why hold on to that resentment?

I would never act in the way he did so why did he think it was ok to push and pull me  leading me on for 3+ years.

Why didn't he just have the guts to leave and stay gone? 

Why didn't he really try to fix things between us?


How do I cope with the possibility of not getting those answers?

My heart hurts, I just wish this was a bad dream.

You are doing some good internal work here.

"My motivations for writing this seems to be
1) to be heard and validated
2) hoping he sees I wasn't this clingy terrible monster he painted me out to be
3) trying to be the better person [his breaking up with me over the phone was very cruel]
4) deep down I want him to feel bad for how he treated me. "

Same, exactly the same here. And I would wager many of us here feel the same way. This seems to be the very thing that behaviors of the toxic people in our lives create in all of us. The desperate need to be seen and heard, to have them see the REAL us. We get told me are something we are not, and it is painful to have to live with that.

I think it's really good you came to these conclusions. I myself came to them as well. Which leaves us with having to find ourselves again, after giving up so much to them and the relationship.

It's so good you wrote these out, for yourself and others here who struggle. It will be helpful to many when they read it. So you've done people a really good service. You should be proud of that.

My ex broke up with me over the phone as well. Very, very cruelly- tons of name calling and putdowns, belittling, yelling, mocking, lying (I've counted at least 13 lies in that one phone call, about what happened and what was said). Telling me that I'm a person none of my friends or family would even recognize. I've waited a long time for her to text/call/email saying she is sorry for that, sorry for the way she ditched me over the holidays, sorry for the way she humiliated me in front of her family, for how she ignored my texts and calls for two weeks before ditching me, sorry for the name calling and putdowns. She hasn't, and she won't.

Now, this is probably something we'd all do, if we treated someone terribly.

"but the annoying part is that the rumination and pain don't just disappear when I find the answers. I feel like I have to keep rediscovering the answers on an almost daily basis because the questions keep floating around regardless... and some of that's because this can't make sense to you, because your brain just doesn't operate in the same way.

"I think, ultimately, giving yourself as much compassion and gentleness and self-care that you can in this time is going to help your mind to settle and let the answers to your questions sink into place naturally."

Seeking says something important here. The questions bubble around in the head as our minds try to make sense of something that ultimately cannot make any sense. This is the cognitive dissonance that leads to rumination. Writing things out, seeing clarity if only for a few minutes, does help rewire the brain. It will bubble up again, but we can create spaces of clarity that, although maybe short, we can expand on.

A therapist online who really resonates with me has a channel called Live Abuse Free. She has some very nice videos explaining the dynamics of these relationships that have been really helpful to me.

[tina7868]

Missygirl, I will join the others in recognizing the work you`ve put into important insights. Keep going, you`re resilient  !

I just wish I knew why. Why he lied to me whether it be the lie of loving me or the lie of wanting to go our separate ways.

Why did he say we'd be fine and he'd always have my back and work through it together only a week later to say he doesn't want to be in my life?

 if he didn't love or care about me why did he keep coming back?
 
Why couldn't he forgive my mistakes from being teenagers together? Why hold on to that resentment?

I would never act in the way he did so why did he think it was ok to push and pull me  leading me on for 3+ years.

Why didn't he just have the guts to leave and stay gone?

Why didn't he really try to fix things between us?


How do I cope with the possibility of not getting those answers?

My heart hurts, I just wish this was a bad dream.

My heart goes out to you. I`ve been (and to a certain extent, still am) in a similar situation. I also tend to want to reach out and fix things. All to say, you`re not alone, and your feelings and questions are understandable given all that has occured. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you make sense of it all, or at least as much sense as you can.

I will say that, on my end, I have asked myself all of these same questions, and today I have solid answers to all of them. They came with time, therapy, discussions with friends, journaling...and yes, even with talking to him. They will come to you too. And so it`s not so much about coping with the possibility of not getting the answers, but rather with trusting that the present murkiness will give space to clarity as you grow and learn. You`ve known him for a long time, and these events are relatively fresh.

Many of these questions seem to be coming from a place of `I wouldn`t think or feel or do that`. The truth is, people don`t have the same heart as you. It takes a lot of maturity to reflect on your actions, see that what you are doing is hurtful to someone, and take a step back. You were meeting his needs, and for someone with untreated BPD, having these needs met can be pathological.

I`m sorry that your heart is hurting  . Keep your head up, stay the course, and you will gain insights that will be fruitful no matter what the future holds.

From your list of questions, which one would you say is bothering you the most? How would you answer it yourself?

[Missygirl]

Today I had a bit of a weak moment today and sent him this :

"I know you probably don't care about me anymore. I am just so confused at what what the truth is. I just want to have some understanding about what honestly happened and why. And maybe you dont know the reasons why youve done this again..but I just want closure so I can heal and move on with my life. Our relationship was more important than getting a phone call breakup. "

I know I shouldn't have messaged him.. I feel so weak and stupid. I have this need to understand what happened
Even though it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how he treated me.
I just wish this wasn't true, that he didn't say all those cruel things after promising me a future.

I know he probably doesn't have the capacity to know any of the reasons. And I won't get any answers that are truly satisfying to any of my questions..
I don't think he has the introspection to know why he did this and treated me like this.


I'm mad that I willingly lead myself into interactions with him.. hoping for something different.

The rumination has been a terrible thing for me and my depression is weighing me down. When I sleep, I have nightmares of him (either I am searching for him like he's gone missing, or he's there but ignoring me or saying hurtful things)

I know I might never be able to wrap my head around his actions like you said.
It's hard being autistic and this being my first romantic relationship.
socially Autism Spectrum disorder  can mimic some of the patterns of behavior of BPD, yet the motivations behind those are completely different.  I just thought he was a little odd like me. But I would never treat someone as callously or demean someone like he had.
I get overwhelmed and overstimulated and lash out sometimes but I've worked on gaining tools to accommodate my sensitive nature. I never meant to hurt him  during those times but when we fought (or I brought up an unmet need) it was like he punished and blamed me for his emotional state and lack of identity/independence

God I know how dysfunctional that sounds reading it. What's worse is that the good times where so great but never lasted long..
Totally whiplash

I know he probably won't message me back (he did get the message so I'm not blocked)
And really I don't know why I even messaged him, other than wanting to stop feeling like this.

I don't want to get back together with him (unless he really gets well and grows up but still i dont know if ill ever fully trust him)

maybe I just wish I could be the one to breakup with him instead of being dumped all the time..  almost like a "you can't fire me, I QUIT" kind of scenario.

I just felt so powerless like always waiting for him to pull the next rug out from under me.

I have to remind myself of the reality of our relationship

And I know it may come off as a bit of a bashing session ( i truly loved him but that love was like rose tinted glasses).. but I romanticized and rationalized his behavior to a point that it was almost delusional..

He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation 
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
 
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety

This wasn't a healthy relationship

It affected my mental and physical health
It tore down my self esteem
It created problems between me and others
It made me question my reality and feelings
It dulled my sparkle

I did my best
I took accountability for my side of it all
I always tried to be better
I was there for him and not myself
I wast a bad friend or girlfriend
I loved him and it blinded me

This wasn't because of me
This is a him problem


Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and sharing your stories, it's alarming how similar everyone's experiences can be and yet comforting that I'm not alone in this. Your feedback has been so incredible helpful with my internal progress.  This is also very helpful for me to recognize that this isn't how normal or healthy relationships should be..

I guess I just wish I knew where my best friend went.. cause I don't like who replaced him.
It's been like having a person you love go missing and you put up flyers everywhere, sometimes you catch sightings of someone who looks like them and you gain some hope that "oh there he is, there's my loving caring man" but then he acts like a total stranger and your back to no contact or still searching for more glimpses. This last "we should go our separate ways" "I don't want to be in your life anymore" has almost been like finally finding the dead body of your loved one.
That guy, my best friend, who called me his princess and would wash my hair, hold my hand during thunderstorms, laugh till our sides hurt, dream or life together, cherished every part of me, was as quirky as I was, and who loved me.

It's like he died.

I just worry I'll never find a love like that again and it'll just fail as painfully as this has..

[ForeverDad]

What you've done is write a Closure letter.  However, due to the nature of these acting-out disordered perceptions, it can give him an opening to either resume the relationship or strike out.  What works best when a disordered relationship ends is to let it End.

Gift yourself the Closure you wish.  As the others noted, while writing your feelings was good for us, most didn't send anything after all.

[jaded7]

Today I had a bit of a weak moment today and sent him this :

"I know you probably don't care about me anymore. I am just so confused at what what the truth is. I just want to have some understanding about what honestly happened and why. And maybe you dont know the reasons why youve done this again..but I just want closure so I can heal and move on with my life. Our relationship was more important than getting a phone call breakup. "

I know I shouldn't have messaged him.. I feel so weak and stupid. I have this need to understand what happened
Even though it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how he treated me.
I just wish this wasn't true, that he didn't say all those cruel things after promising me a future.

I know he probably doesn't have the capacity to know any of the reasons. And I won't get any answers that are truly satisfying to any of my questions..
I don't think he has the introspection to know why he did this and treated me like this.


I'm mad that I willingly lead myself into interactions with him.. hoping for something different.

The rumination has been a terrible thing for me and my depression is weighing me down. When I sleep, I have nightmares of him (either I am searching for him like he's gone missing, or he's there but ignoring me or saying hurtful things)


I know he probably won't message me back (he did get the message so I'm not blocked)
And really I don't know why I even messaged him, other than wanting to stop feeling like this.

I don't want to get back together with him (unless he really gets well and grows up but still i dont know if ill ever fully trust him)

maybe I just wish I could be the one to breakup with him instead of being dumped all the time..  almost like a "you can't fire me, I QUIT" kind of scenario.

I just felt so powerless like always waiting for him to pull the next rug out from under me.

I have to remind myself of the reality of our relationship

And I know it may come off as a bit of a bashing session ( i truly loved him but that love was like rose tinted glasses).. but I romanticized and rationalized his behavior to a point that it was almost delusional..

He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation 
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
 
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety

This wasn't a healthy relationship

It affected my mental and physical health
It tore down my self esteem
It created problems between me and others
It made me question my reality and feelings
It dulled my sparkle

I did my best
I took accountability for my side of it all
I always tried to be better
I was there for him and not myself
I wast a bad friend or girlfriend
I loved him and it blinded me

This wasn't because of me
This is a him problem


Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and sharing your stories, it's alarming how similar everyone's experiences can be and yet comforting that I'm not alone in this. Your feedback has been so incredible helpful with my internal progress.  This is also very helpful for me to recognize that this isn't how normal or healthy relationships should be..


I just worry I'll never find a love like that again and it'll just fail as painfully as this has..

You would not be the first person to send a message and regret it Missygirl. We all understand the need to closure and answers, some little sign that they care or cared.

He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation 
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
 
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety

This wasn't a healthy relationship

This could be from any of the many books on bpd/npd. It's actually good work to write this out and really accept it. I write things out in my notebook in the morning and it clarifies for me.

What you're saying is

*he is inconsistent = intermittent reinforcement
*he wasn't honest = he lied, evaded, misrepresented, withheld the truth, wasn't forthcoming
*it wasn't balanced = unequal openness, taking responsibility, investment, caring, forgiving
*his actions were hurtful = he hurt YOU, repeatedly, with his behaviors
*he abused your trust = took advantage of you
*he didn't appreciate you = took you for granted, didn't give you love back
*he used you for physical and emotional validation = was thoughtless and using you when he needed you
*he held grudges and brought up old fights = he kept score to keep you in a less than position, to punish you
*he kept me at arm's length = he withheld love and connection except when he needed it
*he made and broke promises = he is unreliable, and doesn't seem to care about it's effect on you (but probably requires reliability from you, and puts you down for not being reliable), his word is not good, doesn't care about how this effects you
*he wasn't mature = he's not emotionally ready for a relationship
*he didn't take accountability = huge one, nothing is his fault, all is yours
*he was passive-aggressive and manipulative = he does not communicate in a healthy fashion, and can't
*he wasn't kind = he uses words to hurt, doesn't show compassion if/when you need it, doesn't try to understand you
*he blamed you for so much = doesn't take responsibility and accountability, needs to offload blame, can't see his role in this


We cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who does these things. And they are all part of the toxic cycle, or if you prefer part of the relationship with a person with strong bpd traits.

I'll say it again- we cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this.

I'l just say Missygirl, I experienced each and every one of these myself. And I'm sure others did too.

Lack of ability to vulnerable is a hallmark. One cannot have a real relationship with someone who can't or won't be vulnerable. And the inability to be vulnerable can lead to many of the behaviors above. My ex actually told someone, and I heard about it later, that she struggles with being vulnerable. And she showed all the behaviors above.

[tina7868]

Today I had a bit of a weak moment today and sent him this :

"I know you probably don't care about me anymore. I am just so confused at what what the truth is. I just want to have some understanding about what honestly happened and why. And maybe you dont know the reasons why youve done this again..but I just want closure so I can heal and move on with my life. Our relationship was more important than getting a phone call breakup. "

I know I shouldn't have messaged him.. I feel so weak and stupid. I have this need to understand what happened
Even though it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how he treated me.
I just wish this wasn't true, that he didn't say all those cruel things after promising me a future.

I know he probably doesn't have the capacity to know any of the reasons. And I won't get any answers that are truly satisfying to any of my questions..
I don't think he has the introspection to know why he did this and treated me like this.


I'm mad that I willingly lead myself into interactions with him.. hoping for something different.

The rumination has been a terrible thing for me and my depression is weighing me down. When I sleep, I have nightmares of him (either I am searching for him like he's gone missing, or he's there but ignoring me or saying hurtful things)

Oh Missygirl, please do give yourself grace. You reached out. It's okay. You are not weak nor stupid. You are going through many complicated, confusing, conflicting emotions. It isn`t, in the grand scheme of things, as big of a deal as your emotions may lead you to believe. Things like this may happen along the way. Try to see them as part of your journey, and focus on what you can learn. Try your best not to add unnecessary shame and anger towards yourself into the mix; we`re aiming for self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-recognition. Get back on that horse, hold your head up high, and keep going.

I know he probably won't message me back (he did get the message so I'm not blocked)
And really I don't know why I even messaged him, other than wanting to stop feeling like this.

I don't want to get back together with him (unless he really gets well and grows up but still i dont know if ill ever fully trust him)

maybe I just wish I could be the one to breakup with him instead of being dumped all the time..  almost like a "you can't fire me, I QUIT" kind of scenario.

I just felt so powerless like always waiting for him to pull the next rug out from under me.

So much insight into your inner workings!

The dynamics and patterns between the two of you took time to establish themselves, and will take time to fade away. The pull towards `fixing` everything and thus soothing yourself will be strong.

Pay attention to how you felt. Powerlessness is uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. It may now feel like he is the one who can soothe your distress, but in reality his presence will just bring a different `flavor` of negative emotions. The difference is that, when he is actively in the picture, he will continue to trigger you in new ways and add to things to ruminate about.

He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much

These same words apply to my situation. They apply to a lot of our situations. Thank you for writing this.

It's like he died.

I just worry I'll never find a love like that again and it'll just fail as painfully as this has..

                                                                           

You are not far off by bringing up death. The end of a relationship is something that can be grieved. It can be especially difficult in a relationship with cycles and confusion. It isn`t fluid, and sometimes the grief may bubble up after having been dormant. It is a process, and not a single event, that leads to acceptance.

It isn`t easy, but you are already well on your way. With the growth and learning that you will do, that you have already done, you will gain insights into what type of relationship you do want.

[jaded7]

So much insight into your inner workings!

I agree with Tina, really good insight. You sound smart Missygirl, and self-aware. Doesn't calm the pain sometimes, we know.

And I meant to say as Tina did, thanks for writing out that list. It's really good, and it will help others as they are trying to make sense of what happened.

[Missygirl]

Thank you all for your continued feedback and support, this forum has been a huge eye opener for how not unique my situation has been, and it gives me comfort knowing I'm not the only one to deal with this behavior from someone they loved.

Pay attention to how you felt. Powerlessness is uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. It may now feel like he is the one who can soothe your distress, but in reality his presence will just bring a different `flavor` of negative emotions. The difference is that, when he is actively in the picture, he will continue to trigger you in new ways and add to things to ruminate about.

Thank you Tina, I am still trying to digest that he is far from my knight in shining Armor I thought he was.
I think me texting him was me hitting the bargaining faze of the grief steps. Almost like if I could just get him to explain himself I'd feel better. But I really do agree with you all that it also gives the opportunity to create new wounds for me. I am trying to be patient with myself and understand that the path of grieving someone isn't linear, it's just so hard, especially when I think of the loving parts of our relationship.  I've just missed my bestfriend for so so long..

This could be from any of the many books on bpd/npd. It's actually good work to write this out and really accept it. I write things out in my notebook in the morning and it clarifies for me.

What you're saying is

*he is inconsistent = intermittent reinforcement
*he wasn't honest = he lied, evaded, misrepresented, withheld the truth, wasn't forthcoming
*it wasn't balanced = unequal openness, taking responsibility, investment, caring, forgiving
*his actions were hurtful = he hurt YOU, repeatedly, with his behaviors
*he abused your trust = took advantage of you
*he didn't appreciate you = took you for granted, didn't give you love back
*he used you for physical and emotional validation = was thoughtless and using you when he needed you
*he held grudges and brought up old fights = he kept score to keep you in a less than position, to punish you
*he kept me at arm's length = he withheld love and connection except when he needed it
*he made and broke promises = he is unreliable, and doesn't seem to care about it's effect on you (but probably requires reliability from you, and puts you down for not being reliable), his word is not good, doesn't care about how this effects you
*he wasn't mature = he's not emotionally ready for a relationship
*he didn't take accountability = huge one, nothing is his fault, all is yours
*he was passive-aggressive and manipulative = he does not communicate in a healthy fashion, and can't
*he wasn't kind = he uses words to hurt, doesn't show compassion if/when you need it, doesn't try to understand you
*he blamed you for so much = doesn't take responsibility and accountability, needs to offload blame, can't see his role in this


We cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who does these things. And they are all part of the toxic cycle, or if you prefer part of the relationship with a person with strong bpd traits.

I'll say it again- we cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this.

Thank you Jaded for re-contextualizing  this in different words for me.. I have reread it many times and it helps to hear it validated from another pov.

I came to a bit of an epiphany last night meditating and something he admitted finally hits home for me
He said we are on 2 different paths and want different  things. And it never really made sense to me because if he said he loved me why would he want to be without me.

 So I went down that rabbit hole a bit

Even if at the bare minimum it might boil down to us both wanting different things.

He saw being with me as a predetermined path that would lead to forever. (Which I thought would be great..but he saw it as losing control)

he's so scared of being committed to me becoming the long term deal that he didnt want to be my *official* boyfriend ( although weve been off and on for the last 3 years- the 7 years of highschool and young adulthood he was my boyfriend outright).

And now the fear of being just my friend is the same. I think he knows that he wouldn't have been able to keep good boundaries with me and that it would lead us down a romantic path., and then would come the responsibility and expectation of consistency.

Judging from his statements of- feeling tied down, feeling chained, not wanting to be responsible for me, not wanting a planned out life.

I think that's why he's "scared" of me

Because with me it's real adult relationship- not a fling, not casual . Something that leads somewhere long term.

He's irrationally afraid of being engulfed and losing himself
He didn't want the same thing I did and he didn't have the guts to say it to my face.
And yet he kept coming back again and again making me feel loved, adoring me at the beginning, then ending up in a big dumpster fire only to repeat.

I tend to write off his actions as just immaturity of a 25 year old guy who grew up with a helicopter mom.
I think it's my unhealthy pattern of avoiding holding him accountible and him taking the rightul blame and responsibility he should be feeling for his actions,

because I've been conditioned to assume I'm being "too much" or I'm being overly emotional or a burden.

So let's just say for devils advocate it's just plain ol' immaturity、and he's incapable of committing to someone in a serious relationship.
It still doesn't explain his actions and emotional manipulation: 
-Saying he's afraid of me, or that the past is too much,
-his anxiety having me around his friends group,
-his weak promises of getting back together once he's figured out his head.
-His lack of confidence,
-his dissociative episodes.
-His resentment and anger towards me despite all I did to fix things
-His blame shifting,
-His identity crises,
-his jealousy towards my talents and "outshining him".
-His sexual deviance and addiction.
-His fear of abandonment /lack of approval, fear of judgement.
 -Fear of commitment enmeshment/engulfing.
-The rapid transition between a happy guy to an anxious mess, to a resentful angry man, to a hopeful outlook that we would get through it.
-Him being exhausted all the time.
-His issues with vulnerability
-the inability to say the words I love you without it being a huge anxiety moment for him.

( sorry for the repetitive lists- they help me accept the truth of his actions)

If it's just being immature I'd understand maybe some of that but his mental state seriously began deteriorating the closer we got and he began to lash out at me, blaming me for how he's feeling.

He'd say things like "I only feel like this with you" (an anxious self doubtful, hateful, hurting, mess) to which I know was not true, since he told me of times he felt like that with work, friends, family. He just blamed me for every bad emotion he felt.

He was just so afraid of everything and that fear was much stronger than his love for me.

In the end one thing is true
He didn't want what I did
 
I wanted a life with him by my side, equal partners, supportive and there for each other.
And he saw that as a life sentence, almost like an inevitable ending of his identity or that he'd end up hurt.

Whether it be immaturity or mental health issues such as BPD, he didn't want the things I wanted and didn't have the capacity to be that person for me.

I honestly believe something more than "just immaturity" is going on with him.. just from all the irrational behavior, emotional outbursts, distorted thought patterns, etc..

Either way he's not healthy enough to be in my life and I don't know if he ever will be.

And I think I'm starting to accept that...

[tina7868]

I've just missed my bestfriend for so so long.

And that is valid and understandable. It is okay to be sad.

I tend to write off his actions as just immaturity of a 25 year old guy who grew up with a helicopter mom.
I think it's my unhealthy pattern of avoiding holding him accountible and him taking the rightul blame and responsibility he should be feeling for his actions,

because I've been conditioned to assume I'm being "too much" or I'm being overly emotional or a burden.

Immaturity may very well be part of the picture. There certainly are different elements at play.

Missygirl, you are insightful and caring. I assure you that you are not a burden. There are people out there, in both romantic and friendly contexts, who will appreciate your qualities. For every lack that your ex has made you feel, they will see beauty. Do not waste your time with someone who makes you question or want to change who you are. Have a healthy sense of introspection, yes, but remember your value and give your time and attention to those who deserve it.

Either way he's not healthy enough to be in my life and I don't know if he ever will be.

And I think I'm starting to accept that...

He may or may not come to appreciate one day what you truly offered him. It is special to be loved for who you are, and deep down inside he probably realizes it. However, he would have to do a lot of introspection to reciprocate it and acknowledge the hurt he has caused you.

You do not have to wait for that to happen. In that time you can meet better people who already appreciate you. You are free.

Keep up your amazing work, we`re here for you!

[Skip]

Let go with love- be always hoping he can overcome this, but don't let it impact your wellbeing anymore.

We've all talked about this over the years. It sounds like the right thing.

But what does "Let go with love" actually mean? That part is a little harder.

I've come to believe that there are 2 parts:
1. Let go.
2. With love.

The opposite might be:
1. Cling to the wound
2. With agony (or anger, or resentment)

Not so good  

Letting go is giving up. My dog died recently. I remember frantic efforts to save her life. I remember rushing through traffic to get to a vet. I remember the panic and fear and anxiety I was feeling. The adrenaline. The hope.

The vet said she was dead. My puupy was gone.

Suddenly, the panic and fear and anxiety I was feeling - the adrenaline - all gone. I sat alone with her in silence. There was nothing now. I let all those feeling I was experiencing just 10 minutes prior just flow out onto the floor. There was a calm come over me. Nothing was going to change. It's over.

In a lost relationship, we often struggle to come to that place of letting go. The closure we often talk about is really a form of hope we are holding on to. Maybe if I say the right words, maybe they will see the light, maybe this is just a passing reaction, maybe. Maybe. It's not over yet.

As so we cling.

I think Grandma is saying is to let go of hope, of redemption, of fairness. Let go of all the emotion that are boiling inside of you. Accept that it is over. Nothing is going to change. That's a hartd bridge to cross. But you can. Let those emotions flow out of you. Let yourself exist in that same empty calm I was in on a bench outside of the vet.


With love. I think this might means to let go of the negative feelings and attach ourselves to neutral feelings and eventually positive feelings. This takes some patience and some discipline. Just moving to less negative feelings first is good. And in time, move to neutral feelings as best you can. Eventually, you will be able to have good feelings if you let yourself.

I'm many years out of my relationship and my memory of my ex is positive. The wounds are behind me. I think of the good things we had. I think of how the relationship helped me grow. I think of the good parts of me and where and how learned them. She is married now and I hope she has found her place.

I don't think its necessarily a letter or necessarily a letter now. I think it is more about your heart and your mind.

A letter might be best a year down the road. Maybe at New Year or his birthday. Something that says, As we are both on and in our new lives, I wanted to take a minute to say thank you, I'm glad you were a chapter in my life".

Or maybe by then you won't feel you need to say anything at all - you just feel it.