First time asking for help!

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Well, I don’t know where to start but to start I guess…
I haven’t been one for forums or chat groups ever so bear with me.

My spouse has been an adult male with untreated ADHD for a very long time. We got married last year and since then he has devolved emotionally.

It took over a year but he started his “journey” and because he has had a history with substance abuse his family doctor put him on Wellbutrin XL for anxiety, and I suspect but cannot confirm for his ADHD as a side benefit.

Over the last year there have been ever increasing episodes stemming from emotional disregulation. Let’s call them very repetitive and big episodes that haven’t gotten physically violent but are very emotionally abusive.

From this journey he was also recently referred to a psychiatrist that confirmed his ADHD diagnosis but also diagnosed him with BPD at then end of a long and detailed intake (don’t know all the details because I wasn’t there but I was led to assume it wasn’t something just thrown at him but as a result of the information he shared).

He already suspected there was an alignment with BPD himself because we did a deep dive to emotional disregulation and ADHD in an effort to understand what kind of therapy (which he still hasn’t sourced even though he promised) would benefit.

The psychiatrist asked him to read I love you, I hate you book on BPD in between his next appointment a month from now. He still hasn’t started it and I believe he is resistant because he was putting a lot of hope on medication (which he had a lifelong aversion to) of helping to fix his “problem” (how he has worded it).

In an effort to see if I can give him some peace of mind and to understand better myself, I started reading it last night and he still doesn’t know because I haven’t had a chance.

There has been a lot of improvement from the let’s call it ADHD related motivation tendencies but it’s now further heightened an already challenging time with his emotional outbursts.

I have been disrespected for a long time and at then end of the day all our fights lead to an endless cycle of asking to at the least be spoken to in a respectful manner and heard.

I feel like the more I ask, the less this happens and now it feels like everything turns into a blow up. I can’t discuss my emotions or how actions make me feel in the moment or later without it snowballing into him blaming me for everything.

I do love the man. I want to support him on this journey since he has started tiptoeing towards it but I feel shattered. I don’t know what to do and feel a bit broken and helpless.

I guess the most frustrating part about this all is that we have been together for 4 years. He didn’t present in this way until we got married last year and it just has devolved since.

I don’t know what to do. Everything I do is wrong, and I can’t take the aggressive name calling and lashing out anymore.
I guess I’m writing this post to look for help. I don’t know what to do but I have a year worth of raw hurt that he seems to recognize in apologies after the fact but with no real change on the anger/wrath side.

To those who have been here, I am looking for advice or resources because there is a reason I married this man. When he’s present he is amazing but he is what I guess that book describes as “splitting” what feels like every other day (I only got the first chapters finished).

I am looking for guidance on how to help not hinder and advice on how to heal and not be so devastated multiple times a week.

Thoughts?

[MBXTR]

 

Well, I don’t know where to start but to start I guess…
I haven’t been one for forums or chat groups ever so bear with me.

My spouse has been an adult male with untreated ADHD for a very long time. We got married last year and since then he has devolved emotionally.

It took over a year but he started his “journey” and because he has had a history with substance abuse his family doctor put him on Wellbutrin XL for anxiety, and I suspect but cannot confirm for his ADHD as a side benefit.

Over the last year there have been ever increasing episodes stemming from emotional disregulation. Let’s call them very repetitive and big episodes that haven’t gotten physically violent but are very emotionally abusive.

From this journey he was also recently referred to a psychiatrist that confirmed his ADHD diagnosis but also diagnosed him with BPD at then end of a long and detailed intake (don’t know all the details because I wasn’t there but I was led to assume it wasn’t something just thrown at him but as a result of the information he shared).

He already suspected there was an alignment with BPD himself because we did a deep dive to emotional disregulation and ADHD in an effort to understand what kind of therapy (which he still hasn’t sourced even though he promised) would benefit.

The psychiatrist asked him to read I love you, I hate you book on BPD in between his next appointment a month from now. He still hasn’t started it and I believe he is resistant because he was putting a lot of hope on medication (which he had a lifelong aversion to) of helping to fix his “problem” (how he has worded it).

In an effort to see if I can give him some peace of mind and to understand better myself, I started reading it last night and he still doesn’t know because I haven’t had a chance.

There has been a lot of improvement from the let’s call it ADHD related motivation tendencies but it’s now further heightened an already challenging time with his emotional outbursts.

I have been disrespected for a long time and at then end of the day all our fights lead to an endless cycle of asking to at the least be spoken to in a respectful manner and heard.

I feel like the more I ask, the less this happens and now it feels like everything turns into a blow up. I can’t discuss my emotions or how actions make me feel in the moment or later without it snowballing into him blaming me for everything.

I do love the man. I want to support him on this journey since he has started tiptoeing towards it but I feel shattered. I don’t know what to do and feel a bit broken and helpless.

I guess the most frustrating part about this all is that we have been together for 4 years. He didn’t present in this way until we got married last year and it just has devolved since.

I don’t know what to do. Everything I do is wrong, and I can’t take the aggressive name calling and lashing out anymore.
I guess I’m writing this post to look for help. I don’t know what to do but I have a year worth of raw hurt that he seems to recognize in apologies after the fact but with no real change on the anger/wrath side.

To those who have been here, I am looking for advice or resources because there is a reason I married this man. When he’s present he is amazing but he is what I guess that book describes as “splitting” what feels like every other day (I only got the first chapters finished).

I am looking for guidance on how to help not hinder and advice on how to heal and not be so devastated multiple times a week.

Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello MBXTR and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I remember feeling exactly as you feel now.  For your relationship to work and get past this endless cycle of emotional abuse, you're going to have to take the lead.

First off, his willingness to get into therapy and take medications is awesome...that means he's at least somewhat aware that he has problems.  That's 80% of the battle with BPD, realizing that you need to make changes in the first place.  So congrats on that, the biggest hurdle is already conquered.

So you know, medication won't "fix" BPD but it can help manage some of the more extreme situations.  Your husband will have to go through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is a 1-2 year hands-on course that takes a lot of soul searching and actual work.  Those who complete the program and actively work through it maybe aren't "cured", but they have enough life skills built up to work through the negative thoughts without losing it.  That's the whole key here.

For your husband, he has intense fears of abandonment and insecurity, which makes him interpret seemingly little things into life-changing problems.  Maybe he's saying something about you, how you messed up, but in reality he's feeling insecure with himself and just lashing out to feel better about his mental health.  If you work through the courses here, you'll learn to focus less on his words and more on the emotions behind them to get to the root of the problem.

For instance, if he's mad, help him calm down with calm, supporting words.  If he's sad, be there for him and let him know he's not alone.  It really is that basic sometimes, but you have to be the bigger person and lead him back to stability.

For you, better communication is absolutely critical moving forward.  That's verbal, physical, emotional...all of the above...since anything can set him off when he's having a bad day.  The sticky threads at the top of this page will get you started and please ask away with questions.

I hope that helped give you a spark of hope, and again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[MBXTR]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am at a bit of a loss because I already function in this way to try to validate and support him. I am having a very, very difficult time dealing with the multiple time a week verbal abuse. I literally can be saying something as bland as do you want something in particular for dinner? Or a comment that has no emotional weight whatsoever and he explodes. It doesn’t end and it continues forever into the next day.

I’ve seen a lot on here about not invalidating his feelings and being supportive and I do that and nothing helps. In a year, I have heard every degrading comment come out of his mouth with wrath only for him to get over it but not own his stake on decimating my self worth. He is punishing me so severely that there is a total communication break down today as a result of me trying to explain to him in I language that it really hurts that he invalidates my feelings. He has gone from a fun, loving and supportive partner to someone who doesn’t respect me. I shower him with love and support and he goes for the kill. I can try to disengage and he will continuously keep coming after me and saying more and more hurtful things because rather than do the work like he promised he’d rather find more and more ways to paint me as the “evil” self. There are less and less “angel” moments like I read about.

I am heartbroken that I am trying to support him the way it’s been recommended to no avail. His rage and behaviour is filled with daily ultimatums. I am at such a loss on how to cope. It feels like he is sucking the air out of the room regardless of what I say or don’t say. He blames me being too much for being hurt and affected by his vulgar name calling, and comments. None of it is because I am not there or try to provide him security. I guess I am struggling with how not to invalidate his feelings anymore when I feel like I am being verbally attacked in such a way that it isn’t situational. It is directed to me about me. He has told me he doesn’t give a “****” about me repeatedly, that he can do better than me, that he is superior to me, that he has a better personality, better friends, etc.. It is non stop.

I stayed up most of the night trying to find counselling or therapy and everything goes back to strategies that suggest it will allow him to calm down and it doesn’t work because I have tried it. At what point does it go beyond BPD to something far more troubling? I am really trying to be here for him but I don’t know how I can be when he isn’t giving me reasons to keep trying. I don’t want to end things. I am still in love with him. I am just lost on understanding of what I am going through to this extreme is common or just on another level.

I’ve been reading a lot about it including setting boundaries and it has just backfired into another explosion today that I’m the problem when all I asked was if he could talk to me about his episode yesterday instead of pretending it didn’t happen. I guess that is a big thing I struggle with too, is that he no longer tries to talk to me about it after and apologize. Either I get on board and pretend he didn’t have me in the crosshairs all night or I am the problem. Sorry this is so long winded but any advice?

[MBXTR]

Sorry I know that might sound contradictory to my first post but I’ve been reading for hours so I’ve deep dived intensely since my first post.

[Pook075]

I am heartbroken that I am trying to support him the way it’s been recommended to no avail. His rage and behaviour is filled with daily ultimatums. I am at such a loss on how to cope.

Hi again, thanks for the follow-up and more detail on what's going on.

There's two things going on here:

1) Your spouse is sick and lashing out to feel better about himself
2) You allow him to abuse you...which fuels higher levels of abuse

Let me say this up front- none of this is your fault and there's NOTHING you can do to help him work past this.  That's 100% on him alone.  And you're right, your 2nd post paints a much darker picture than the first post, he's clearly not 80% of the way there like we suspected.

So let me ask you a question.  If I were to call you a couple of names here, make fun of you a bit, how would you react?  Whatever your answer, that's also how you should respond to him treating you badly.

There is a very fine line between "helping" and "enabling" someone.  If he acts badly, then it's not your job to shower him with love and beg him to be nicer.  By doing that, he's getting exactly what he needs emotionally (blaming you, being ugly) and zero percent of the consequences.  In other words, he has no reason to change anything because you're simply accepting the abuse.

It is critically important to create boundaries that protect you and put your emotional wellness first.  For instance, I would let him know that if he raises his voice to you, then you're walking away.  If he tries to stop you forcefully, you're calling the police.  I'd let him know that I don't want to do any of these things, but I would if he continued to make abusive decisions.

Then I'd actually do what I said, every single time, because it's holding him accountable and protecting myself at the same time.

Abuse is not okay, and it's well documented that mental/verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse in our lives.  You must make a choice if this is non-stop attacks- what will you do to make them stop?  Will you walk away?  Will you call the police or have him placed on a mandatory psych hold?  If this is what it takes to get the massage across to him, then that's what you must do if you're going to fight for the relationship.

I hope that makes sense.

[kells76]

Hi MBXTR, adding another welcome to you from me

A lot of your story sounds familiar; you aren't alone. Many members here have experienced a change in their partners' BPD-type behaviors after a big event like marriage (or sometimes after a natural disaster or family death).

Can I ask if the two of you are "younger", "middle age", or "older" in general? And it sounded like you two do not have kids together? ADHD plus substance abuse (even in the past) plus a psych referral plus an actual diagnosis of BPD is a lot to happen at once, and I'm curious about if he's on the younger side of life or has a lifetime of these patterns (even if the patterns were hidden). And, having kids vs no kids can influence which paths forward are open to you.

It's also common to hear that a person with BPD plus other comorbid issues (depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc) can see improvements in the "other" issues from medications, but the medications don't touch the BPD tendencies. I do remember hearing on this board about partners/spouses who saw improvement in bipolar/depression symptoms from medication, but the meds did not impact the core BPD tendencies. So, you're not alone.

Pook075 has brought up a topic worth talking about -- effective relationships with pwBPD can take learning and applying unintuitive new tools and skills. Emotional validation is certainly a big one, but it's not the only tool in the toolbelt. Boundaries (rules for ourselves) are another, among many others.

You've rightly pointed out that trying to validate has seemed ineffective at times. It's kind of like: if the only tool you had was a hammer, and you had to fix a leaky pipe, it wouldn't be very helpful to hammer on the pipe. Yes, hammers can be helpful -- for the right moment -- but you'll need both a variety of tools plus the awareness of when to use them, to be effective.

Validation builds trust and connection and brings partners together. Boundaries are rules you decide for your own life, to protect yourself. Even in one conversation, you might use both, and these boards are a great place to practice building that awareness of "ok, when's a good opportunity to connect healthily, and when is it better for the relationship that I step back and protect myself."

...

What does a typical conflict look like between you two (if you were to write it down like a movie script)? With the group working together, I wonder if we can brainstorm new, different choices under your control to decrease your contribution to the conflict, and ensure you don't have to stick around to hear verbal abuse.

[MBXTR]

Pook075 and kells76,,

Thanks for the detailed responses. I think laying it all out to those of you that know where to call out yes that comes with the territory initially or no that’s something deeper helps me navigate it. After some sleep it is helpful to at least have some direction that is a bit more directed situationally.

Pook075, thanks for the confirmation that I can defend myself. It’ll take some time to find a way that will click but it is useful to know that there isn’t this community expectation that I do all these things to help him feel better when I’m being decimated. I am definitely someone that has been fearful of committing to very firm boundaries because when he is rage charged he doesn’t handle it well and those moments where I try to set boundaries he takes as a challenge to break me. Almost like a “oh yea? I’ll show you”…

I’ll will work on building courage & consistency with sticking to what action I say I will take. It helps to know that it’s not a hinderence or “ego/pride” ruling it but claiming back some respect.

kells76, “Younger” depends on how young most people typically get on here.. I’m 33F & he is  37M. We don’t have kids together but have a dog. It’s not really part of our plan right now as he’s got pessimistic views on the future of the world as a result of not being able to sit with conflict. Wasn’t like this but now w. ongoing world conflict,  his obsessive escape to Reddit “ to stay updated”  does him no favours in trying to find calm. Kids would be nice but we both know it could be challenging for me, he makes ultimatum decisions over last yr daily but can’t make future planning decisions.. Might be TMI but ex of flip sides of coin.

On his mix of Comorbid disorders, it gets even more complex. A few months ago (aka well after we got married) I found out through his sibling a part of his upbringing that breaks my heart. As a 10 to 12 year old with a younger sibling he was the child playing grown up trying to break out nightly chaos (much like what he does to me) between his parents. They are different now to the point that I would have never guessed.. The sibling shared nightly he tried to keep the peace of the mom lashing out at the dad not having healed from some trauma in their marriage. Apparently it went on like that until one day he told the sibling he was not doing it anymore. They said that something in him broke & was never quite the same since then. In high school & years later enter alcoholism, drug abuse, constant physical fighting escalating in legal intervention. All of this in his past where I met him seven years sober and kind. My heart still bleeds having found out what he experienced. part of me feels like this explains why he can’t sit with uncomfortable feelings & part of me feels like I made a huge mistake letting him bully me into believing that if I discussed the drinking start he would leave me & destroy everything we built together in the process. Since then his parents know he was taking it too far but they are not at a place where they can try being tough love parents bc they’ve been through a lot with their son. the sibling shared that what I experience is what their parents experienced from him as a challenging teenager (without knowing he’s received the BPD diagnosis)
The meds actually help curb his drinking most days of the week quite easily  except when he is on a super intense angry episode sober firs and can’t shut it off. Before starting the Wellbutrin there were a few times the morning after a rough night where he would tell me he thinks he hurts me so that he has a reason to justify drinking and doesn’t know why. This thought track has disappeared since diagnosed BPD & replaced with I am too much, I have screws loose, I never let anything go when I say that it hurts my feelings (when he yells at me to stop talking, shut up, name calling, screaming drop it) as of late I am a “cry baby” & “broken” because I cry when he calls me names you don’t often hear on American tv but sometimes British if you catch my drift.

I don’t know if this is going to be viewed as ranting but am sharing in case it provides you seasoned pros any A-ha moments…

Anyway, the part about life events being able to send everything into a tailspin and is likely not personal towards me as a person helps. It’s hard when like the book it’s I love you I hate you and not feel like he regrets marrying me.

I hear you with the meds- do you think that it can contribute to the increased frequency of episodes? When he is calm he seems fine and more focused and helpful until rage…  or do you think he’s fighting coming to terms with BPD “label”?

Thanks both of you, I’ll give the hammer metaphor a whirl so that it doesn’t feel like it has to be both emotional validation & boundaries each & every time.

A typical conflict as a movie scrip?
* goes on for hour. The night’s over & doesn’t turn around same day.  Ex: past weekend:

M: WFH during wk because I had a bit of a cold.
Him calling on the way home from work: “hey”
Me: hey, how was your day?
Him: PLEASE READ, I’m buying beers…
Me: baby, can you take a few minutes before you make the decision? On Saturday, you told me that you recognized that drinking when you are angry isn’t a good mix. Want to come home first & see if we can turn your day around?
Him: OH MY GOD, my name. Goodbye- *click*
Me: ** I’m going to let him cool off & hope he’ll think about it **
At home, but on cellphones: Me in the bedroom. Him downstairs in case I was on a teams meeting to not interrupt.
Him: did you take the dog out?
Me: yep, hey so I know I was sick last couple of days in but I feel  now so once I’m done working (on laptop), I’ll get the bed sheets going in the laundry and dinner started. Do you know what…
Him: cuts me off - actually I’d rather you stay in there in case you are still sick.
Me: Partner’s name, Why?  I’m fine . No fever, not covid  etc … what’s…
Him: just stay up there just in case (not a germaphobe)
Me: voiceover thoughts: *confused because it’s literally was a cold & I was perfectly fine* thinking what is going on? Oooh  he probably bought a LOT of beer? Shoot. I should check but he’s trying to isolate me up here weird… I should just go downstairs & see if I am right first… I’m almost done this one thing, I’ll see if I’m overthinking it… *Hears beer can crack ..

Me: “ugh, ok?”
*thinking breathe* no tone or tide, just confusion because this is weird…

Him: I dont want to get a cold, don’t be pissed at me
Me: babe, I am not pissed…. I’m a bit annoyed though
Him: why are you annoyed?
Me: I’m asking you understand that I’m not pissed … just not thrilled over the decision you made (to drink angry) bc it hurts my feelings since it was your decision to be more mindful since last weekend....

Him: cuts me off - “**** you, you’re ridiculous *click*

Like a toddler slams the door to go have a cigarette.
Texts me: wow, somehow you always have to find a way to fight with me …

*reality* he was verbally abusive the weekend before & stormed off after laying into me for a while for no reason! We were talking about something light & inconsequential & he snapped.
Me:  is there a reason you’re verbally attacking me?  Did I do something? 
Him: yea, it’s just you, you’re my problem. Slams door - goes off to drink

Me: *reminding him why he promised is backfiring like always, since he’s engaging via text instead of brooding in silence I’ll factually state I’m calm & trying to explain in writing?

Me:. I’m not fighting. You asked my why I’m annoyed & I’m telling you why.. Just bc you are angry with me doesn’t change the reality that you literally told me on SATURDAY you would stop drinking at home alone or when angry and that you’re sorry. Just please help me understand why I’m not allowed to be annoyed?
If I just need to “deal” when you get mad than I ask you not to be one sided & respect that I have a right to not be thrilled right now. Again, I’m not lashing out pissed. Know I’m not fighting with you. I am asking you to respect my feelings.Swearing at me, telling me to stop and drop it makes me feeling unheard when I’m giving you a direct answer to your question. Can you please understand that if I’m already trying to not be super hurt, that invalidating my feelings makes me feel worse?

No answer, 10 min later (still doesn’t come upstairs even though he knows I am not on a meeting by now) he calls me:
“Can you just drop it now?”

Me: ok, can you please try not to cut me off & shut me down anymore especially when I am answering a question you asked please?

Him: no. You can never stop can you? *angry rant*

Me *in head frustrated scream* I’m going for a smoke.
Him: ducks me by going into powder room.
Me: witness he’s had 5 tall cans in less than an hr
Me: to myself out loud by accident “wow”
Him: storms out of powder room. Angry “what?!”
Me: *keep your cool, let it go this mean there is 0% reasoning* Nothing..
Him: ya you dumb b
Me: why are you calling me that right now?
Him: bc you are a dumb c
Me: alright enough *goes outside for smoke*
Him: continued tirade
Me: had enough after 15 min and walked back upstairs while he yelled at me where to go and other colourful anecdotes.
Him: passed out on the couch downstairs by 8. Woke up still a different person storms upstairs to the guest room and angrily tells not asks me to take the dog out (his duty at night)
 me: can you please take a couple of breaths & try saying it in a different way that isn’t so agressive please and I can absolutely take her out.
Him: another tear as to why I am the worst
He passes out, I stay up all night reading a couple of BPD novels, deep dive what support there is out there for direction, find BPD family, create first post.
Next morning:
Still ridiculous doesn’t do the apology I don’t know why I act this way anymore like he used to and told me it’s my fault because I never let things go. I explained that’s not what is happening and that I simply want an apology for the things he said to me and asked if he can please take a few minutes to think through that I am not asking for a materialistic things, I just wanted him to say that he overreacted and that he would try to not explode every time I try to have a supportive collaborative chat re: trying to help you keep your word to me.
Him: Omg stop just stop it never ends you never stop it’s always nagging you’re the worst no wonder you don’t have friends. I am not apologizing when you’re ridiculous etc

And queue second BPD post while walking away going back to my room and cry.

Sunday he wakes up brings me coffee, motivated (new due to meds) cleans main level, I clean upper level, random mini freak outs throughout day.

Today: calls me on way home from work and starts getting pissy. Don’t have it in me to argue. Tell him, I can see that this is upsetting you and although I have a different opinion, I’d rather you not feel uncomfortable so let’s do it your way and move past this conversation since the topic puts you on edge? How far are you from home? He would not let it go and I had to remind him two other times that I was not fighting with him and said I addressed your concern by agreeing what you wanted so please let me know why you feel inclined to work yourself up as if I am arguing against you when I’ve said let’s just do what you want and move on to a topic that doesn’t stress him out so much. He could not accept that I was saying let’s chill out and had to get angry one more time so that he could be the one to say I’m done having the conversation bye and hangs up. Then after an hour he was back to his calm self.

It feels a lot like whiplash.

So not all “big explosions” are over a loaded topic but pretty much result in an exhausting experience that loops.One time I invited him to go out for dinner and he said ok all pleasant and when driving while I said literally nothing he could have mistook somehow got himself so triggered in his mind that he just started losing it without and kick off comment or point from me. Aka. Sometimes it just happens if I’m breathing and in the middle of trying to do something nice for him even.

I’m sure this is a longer “movie script” than anyone was anticipating but I might as well level with whomever wants to offer constructive criticism of where I’ve gone wrong.

Please keep in mind that I am a bit worn out, heh. I realized that in other conflicts I organically followed the SET UP example and it still fell on deaf ears. Well. This is the longest I’ve discussed what’s transpired so my apologies if I sound at all ignorant or one sided but I’m all ears, open mind. (Tried to shorten sentences until I ran out of the ability to condense my word vomit.

TIA

[Pook075]

I am definitely someone that has been fearful of committing to very firm boundaries because when he is rage charged he doesn’t handle it well and those moments where I try to set boundaries he takes as a challenge to break me. Almost like a “oh yea? I’ll show you”…

A boundary is something for you to protect your own mental health.  It really has nothing at all to do with him other than when he crosses a boundary, you'll do <whatever you've decided> to protect yourself.

For instance, if my BPD daughter yells at me, I say that's not okay and I promptly walk away.  If she gets violent (with me or others), I'll call 9-1-1.  If she's demanding, I won't help with anything until she speaks to me civilly. 

I take these actions when she makes poor decisions towards me, and I'm never doing it to punish her.  I'm simply doing it so I don't end up in a drag out argument or worse.

What these boundaries do is make it crystal clear that I'm not going to accept bad behavior.  If you want something from me, then be nice to me.  I'll do anything for her....if she respects me and asks the appropriate way.  And by doing this over time, it's made her realize that I'm an ally instead of an enemy, so her rage is almost never directed at me (the exception is a one-off statement that's ugly from time to time, like, "You were never there for me as a kid, you always did everything for my sister). 

Even for stuff like that, I won't take the bait and respond to it....another boundary.  I'm not discussing what I did or she did 15 years ago.

The mock discussion you wrote out helps a lot because it gives a great feel for how your scenarios play out.  From what I just shared, you can probably see several opportunities for healthy boundaries that could steer your conversations differently.

For instance, when you said something like, "Remember when you said alcohol and anger don't mix last week...."  He actually hears something like, "Listen to me because I'm always right and you make terrible decisions."  Even if you're quoting his own words, it can be taken well out of context and twisted into something it's not.

If I were in your position, one of my boundaries would be, "If you're angry and you come home with alcohol, I'm leaving for the night."  Just stay away from him when he's self-medicating.

I don't want to go too lengthy here, but I hope that helps get us started.

[kells76]

I agree wtih Pook075; it's incredibly helpful to get the "transcript" of the conflict.

It's interesting that we are both seeing this moment:

M: WFH during wk because I had a bit of a cold.
Him calling on the way home from work: “hey”
Me: hey, how was your day?
Him: PLEASE READ, I’m buying beers…
Me: baby, can you take a few minutes before you make the decision? On Saturday, you told me that you recognized that drinking when you are angry isn’t a good mix. Want to come home first & see if we can turn your day around?

as a pivotal moment.

Just like how with some DIY projects you could sometimes choose from a couple of different tools for one job (like if you have to screw in a philips head screw, sometimes either of two sizes of drill bit will work OK), that looks like a moment you could approach either with boundaries right off the bat, or with validation.

The "boundaries" option could certainly look like you deciding for yourself (not announcing to him!): "I don't spend time around people who are angry and drinking at the same time. I choose to take a break from those persons and go elsewhere." What's nice about true boundaries is you don't need to make him see it your way, agree with you, cooperate, or understand you. You just get to do it, like Pook075 described. Your reply might be something like: "Thanks for letting me know... I have to get some groceries and then check on _______, I'll be back around 10pm".

One of the keys to really understanding emotional validation is understanding what it isn't. Real validation is not:

having to think that what he's doing is OK
thinking that what he's doing isn't OK but feeling like you have to agree
agreeing with him verbally but seething inside
making sure he doesn't get mad
managing his feelings
patronizing him
repeating a checklist of words
saying "I hear what you're saying, but _________"
giving in and letting him feel like he won
rolling over
saying a canned statement that you don't genuinely think
making it your responsibility to make him feel ok
having an agenda
trying to "get him to see"
trying to get him to do something
etc

Real validation is a skill that lets you tap into the feelings behind the words he's saying, and finding something to validate (emotionally connect with) in those feelings, not in his "facts" or specific actions necessarily. For example, it would be "validating the invalid" to reply: "OK babe, if you're upset, then your idea to buy beer is a good one, I agree".

pwBPD may have low skills when it comes to communicating feelings directly. That doesn't mean it's our responsibility to fish it out of them, but we can find a way to put ourselves in their shoes -- to really imagine "if I genuinely thought/believed/was experiencing X, then me doing/saying Y would actually make a lot of sense".

What do you think the feeling was behind the words he texted ("PLEASE READ, I’m buying beers…")?

How would it go if instead of "reminding" him of what he should do, you empathized first: "ugh, sounds like today sucked"?

...

All that to say -- you might try the "boundaries" approach or you might try the "validation" approach; either one is an option. You know him best so you would know if when he's like " I'm getting booze " he's in a frame of mind to connect/deescalate, or if his airplane has already taxied on the runway and is taking off. Sometimes you can put that "validation" feeler out there, he escalates, and then you know he's already "launched" and you can protect yourself with boundaries. Other times there's a pleasant surprise when he just wanted to be heard but was using a hyperbolic/excessive way to say it.

Curious what you think about those ideas?

[kells76]

Also, given that alcohol seems to be in play along with the BPD, have you ever participated in Alanon?

[Pook075]

One more thing; we're not talking about right or wrong here. 

You did absolutely nothing wrong by asking him to take a breath before buying alcohol.  The problem at the center of all this is disordered thinking from having a bad day. 

He saw self medication as the best option to shrug off the day...and at times that's not the worst option for any of us.  But when you combine high stress with negative thoughts plus alcohol, plus a mental illness that makes him feel like his wife can't understand him in that moment...you get the perfect storm.

In that particular scenario, I would have done the same thing with a different delivery- I would have asked him to come home first and we could go shopping together.  That one extra step gives me a chance to de-escalate his negative thought process and potentially stop the spiral, plus it shows him that I'm on his side.

What a person with BPD ultimately wants is someone that understands them and their struggles.  None of us are mental health experts, but we can be there for them by focusing on the core emotions and putting ourselves in their shoes.  For instance, I can understand what it feels like to be frustrated over work. 

So we can focus on that before the blowup, before all the drama occurs, and just help them have a friend to listen and talk things out with.  Believe it or not, just this can eliminate the worst of the worst moments.

In your specific situation, he has some built up frustrations in the marriage that could span back years.  Again, this comes from disordered thinking and "connecting the dots" from different instances that makes them believe that someone else doesn't care.

All the little stuff he did to annoy you last week...last month...last year....you've probably forgotten about since you've forgiven him and/or forgot about it.  People w/ BPD tend to hold onto those things longer as evidence that they're a victim and in an unhealthy relationship. 

Your job is to reverse that thinking by supporting in healthy ways (AKA, why don't you come home first so we can talk, then we'll go shopping together?) by creating healthy boundaries over the stuff that shouldn't be tolerated (I'm going shopping and won't be home until around 10 PM), and strengthening your own communication techniques so you're not invalidating what he feels.

If this stuff were easy, this forum wouldn't exist.  So please give yourself some grace here and realize that this is a process.  The relationship can't be fixed overnight but with some work, you can get past the most volatile stuff in a short amount of time.  It takes you leading with patience and empathy though...which is completely unfair given your circumstances.  But that's where you (and all of us) are at in our BPD journeys.

[50andwastedlife]

Hi MBXTR, I'm also basically new, and wanted to say how much I admire your can-do spirit in facing into this so bravely and so early on. I've been with my dBPDh for 22 years now, and after all that time of draining conflict, am only now able to recognise how much I've been responsible for the invalidating and lack of boundaries etc.

I hope you can find a way through this.