Poll: Back after the break-up just to inflict "emotional pain"

[Skippy]

I am well into the break-up and NC.  Relationship is over, but I remember her going back after others that she had a falling out with to "rub it in", extract a little more hurt.

I've read on bpdfamily of "having the new boyfriend call", and seen in an article "of sending photos of the happy new couple" at the holiday... .

1) I would appreciate any experiences (direct and indirect) and

2) any suggestions of how to handle it once they get around your NC defenses and reach you... .

I suspect this is what is coming next and with the holidays, what a beautiful easel. 

It's humiliating to even be asking this but I know her and I know when she goes over the line it can be brutal... .I don't know if she has crosssed that line with me, but most likely so... .and frankly, I just want to have my eyes and ears open and a  response in hand if  I do get caught off guard.

[goochiegirl]

Thanks for starting this post, Skip... You know this is right where I am.

My xbf is very vindictive. I find it hard to believe, but I remember thinking, "Well, he LOVES me, he'll never turn on ME." How naive.

He has kicked me so often when I was down, nearly dead with torturous pain, and it wasn't enough for him. He had to make it hurt even worse.  He has done this so many times. He would rage at me and insult me because I was hurting.  He's as terrifying as a Nazi to me. 

I too, eagerly await responses from the "been there, done that" crowd.

[Janthina]

Yep.

Until I went NC, she was EVIL.

As for advice, don't see her. Don't break no contact.

If stuck; Say as little as possible. Keep all responses minimal. Give no personal information. Show no emotion. Even if you have to fake it, even if your heart is breaking, LOOK BORED.

Walk away. She's feeding off your pain. Starve her.

[Sapphire]

Once he?  kicked me down as far as he could, and after he got new supply, he left me alone.

But, I fear, he might make a re-appearance.

He's been known to do so before, in previous relationships (he re-married his 3rd wife twice), and had several "reconciliations" with his 1st wife.

I don't think he'll try again with me, b/c I was "on to him", but then again, he knows I'm a "sucker" (or used to be, anyways).

He's "come back" into other people's lives after they've "forgiven" him, so I guess it all depends upon whether or not he needs something from them, and how badly he needs it.

There's no telling with him... .

~SD~

[Sybgow]

It's so hard to tell if they "intend" to hurt, but it's clear that these returns do hurt us.

Agreeing with no contact, wishing I could do it (KID.)

?  ?  ?  g

[Bob58]

It's humiliating to even be asking this but I know her and I know when she goes over the line it can be brutal... .I don't know if she has crosssed that line with me, but most likely so... .and frankly, I just want to have my eyes and ears open and a?  response in hand if?  I do get caught off guard.

If you're in No Contact, Skip, then why would it matter?

If she calls, don't answer.

If she snailmails... .throw it away without reading it.

Hopefully, you've blocked emails and IMs.

No contact means NO Contact.?  It's for your protection.

She's going to do what she's going to do.?  All you can do is choose to not be part of the drama.

Unless, of course, part of you is hoping for the "inevitible re-engagement attempt", which is perfectly normal for someone on your timeline.

It's also self destructive.?  ?

Hang tough and worry about you.?  Keep the NO Contact.?  You won't regret it.

[mark]

Yeah, keep no contact, but I could understand Skip's wanting to be prepared.  I liked Janthina's suggestions.  I did like she described when I bumped into my ex-gf on the street some weeks ago.  I felt terrible, but I hid how I felt.  Seeing her really, really disturbed me, but handling things in a minimal kind of way, like Janthina described, got me through the moment about as best as I could've done, I think... .I hate the thought of bumping into her again; I guess I'm walking on eggshells about possible future contact.

[Skippy]

If you're in No Contact, Skip, then why would it matter?

Unless, of course, part of you is hoping for the "inevitible re-engagement attempt", which is perfectly normal for someone on your timeline.

Hi Bob thanks for the advice.

To respond directly to your questions - if she wants, she can break through NC no matter how much I try... .there are a hundred ways, I'd be foolish to think I could stop her.

As for wanting a re-engagement... .good point.  But I have no illusions right now that she will see the light and come running back... .much more likely she is feeding her anger on fabricated violations and will try to land a another punch... .that said, its no longer about trying to stay NC... .its about wishing to god it stays no contact.   

[Skippy]

I liked Janthina's suggestions.

Me too.  Simple and effective.  Anything I try to do anything that is clever, she will see right through it.

[Bob58]

To respond directly to your questions - if she wants, she can break through NC no matter how much I try... .there are a hundred ways, I'd be foolish to think I could stop her.

But I have no illusions right now that she will see the light and come running back... .much more likely she is feeding her anger on fabricated violations and will try to land a another punch... .that said, its no longer about trying to stay NC... .its about wishing to god it stays no contact.?  ?

Please don't misunderstand me Skip.?  There are always a multitude of ways she could attempt contact.?  Hell, she could show up on your doorstep.

My point is: No Contact is as much a state of mind as it is anything else.

I won't pretend that having contact with her won't affect you... .of course it will.?  But all you can do is limit your exposure to her attempts and truly internalize the fact that NO response from you will ever help anything.?  

Trust that you're doing the right thing and just do your best to not respond to anything at all.

[Janthina]

It's so hard to tell if they "intend" to hurt, but it's clear that these returns do hurt us.

I must disagree. With some BPDs, it is abundantly clear that they intend to hurt us.

The further you get out of the fog and away from them, the more you gasp at the crap you tolerated when you were with them.

So many times it is because we just can't see it, because we can't believe this person we love and who SAYS they love us would intentionally hurt us. And that gives them so much room to play, to mess with us, to rip us up in ways that make seasoned therapists gasp.

But when you start forcing yourself to be honest, you see, and it hurts but it beats the delusion that this damaging dangerous person loves us.

[Bdawn]

Well Skip, when my ex an I broke up eight months ago we both immediately went into no contact with each other. He never once called me or showed his face anywhere that I was. After six months he turned up at my work friendly and happy to talk to me, he actually wanted to give my son a car (one that he had fixed up) so I was intially going to answer your question with one incidence of action that was concillatory, but then I remembered... .

After we broke up he was still in contact with my eighteen year old son. They had been working on the above mentioned car and since I didn't want to be petty I never said a thing about my son staying in contact with him. Well about four weeks after we split for good my son was having some trouble with the truck he was driving, so he called my ex for some advice. My ex told him to bring the truck up to his house. When my son got there the ex wasn't home so my son waited, a short time later the ex turned up with his brand new gf in tow. He introduced her to my son and clearly illustrated to him that she was his gf. My son came home and told me and I broke into a million pieces, completely fell apart. My son immediately enacted his own no contact and supported me one hundrend percent. When the ex turned up a couple of months ago to give him the car my son turned it down.

I have come to believe that my ex meant for me to find out about the new gf. He knew my son would tell me and he knew I would be hurt. I had become fully aware during the last few months of our relationship that my ex couldn't bear to be alone and he would go with anyone, so that was one of my reasons for no contact. I didn't want to know when it happened. But my ex found a way to get to me without even having to contact me.

You mentioned that you want to prepared for something like this, but honestly I don't know if anyone is ever really prepared for something like this. I mean I knew that my bp was going to be scouting out a supply right away due to his own words and actions, and I was already here at bpdfamily so I knew that this very thing had happened to many other nons, yet I was so not prepared for it to happen to me. Just writing it out again now is bringing back some very painful feelings. Likewise I was completely unprepared for his appearance at my work many months later, this time he was kind and friendly, but I was so shocked to see him. I honestly thought I would never see him again. That day passed in a dreamlike haze as well. Then a few weeks later he approached my son, we both kind of gave him the brush off and we haven't heard from him since.

[goochiegirl]

Bdawn,

I wish I could just completely delete him from my life.  Although I've blocked my email, will get a new phone# etc, I'm going to have to face him once a week at work. This is a job

I've been at for over 7 YEARS!  In fact, I'm going to make a new topic on this for suggestions.  If I ever have to look at him or hear his voice, it will result in horrific pain and I just want to avoid it like the demon it is. 

[Janthina]

Bdawn,

There are many layers to processing the pain and the betrayals and the lies.

The first one is intellectual. You see it with the nons who are still in love and just can't believe that things can't be made right. They know things aren't right, they know things are very bad or they wouldn't be here. Yet they can't accept the truth.

Like me, you came to bpdfamily and read and saw the reality of your situation. Intellectually you got it. Emotionally, you had a long way to go. Like me. I didn't fight it, but it hurt hurt hurt for such a long time. It still hurts, just not constantly.

And there's a third layer, body stuff, primitive stuff. Maybe something deep in our hindbrains, I don't know what it is . On Thanksgiving of this year, the anniversary of the molestation, my body went nuts. My hips went out and my back broke out in welts. Intellectually I was okay. Emotionally, not perfect but good considering. But somewhere deep I was so not okay with it.

So don't beat up on yourself for being stunned when your X pulled that crap to parade his new gf in front of your son. Knowing it would happen is different than living through it. And there's something truly dreadful about seeing the depths to which they'll drop to take a chunk out of you. To see anyone do that to anyone is queasy-making. To have someone who said they loved you and who you loved pull that crap is a very special kind of gruesome.

I hate that dreamlike haze. I hate it when you wake up from bad nightmares to a waking life that is worse. Been there. Ugh.

Bdawn,

My consolation has been that my XGF's choice of new SO is a toxic piece of crap who will end up giving as good as he gets. He deserves all she can give him and she'll give a lot. But he'll give back with as slimey and underhanded and passive aggressive as the tactics she uses.

They are going to rip each other to bits. Yet they'll stay together for a while as she has cash and he has none and she needs someone to torture. And they'll both spend much of their time liquored up to the gills. On the one hand that will ramp up the viciousness, on the other it will anesthetize them so they'll stick together longer. Well hey, sounds like a win-win from where I sit.

Pity my fiscal resources were robbed to finance their creepy lives. Honestly, I'm all for doing this on a budget. It's an economic waste. There's nothing they're doing that they couldn't do in a ratty-ass trailer (with a widescreen TV). Trogboy drinks the cheap stuff anyway. Why waste top shelf booze on him? They could sll the house, move into a trailer park, and donate the rest to Katrina victims or Amnesty International. It would be such a nice seasonal gesture. She could keep her fancy pick-up truck. Heck, they could even get a hot tub.

So just cross your fingers that your X finds Miss Right, if you know what I mean. And if you think the new gf is a hapless non, say a prayer for her.

[Skippy]

Janthina,

I haven't cried in some time, but your e-mail just floors me... .it's a long way from the intellect to the reptilian mind... .the damage is so incredibly deep... .and for us to suffer alone.

I have hugely underestimated the extent of the damage... .

I told just a small part of my story to a friend recently... .saw a very odd look in her face... .many questions like "I don't understand how... .".  I received a call later in the day saying she was so glad to be at work... .that the world that she visited in my conversation created a dark and painful feeling and really made her feel vicerally uncomfortable... .she said at work she could relate and feel so much better even though there was trouble... .she learned that one of her friends just had a Downs baby... .a painful day she said, but a reality that she could much more endure than what I gave her a glimpse into.

[garyw]

This may be an interesting thing to do that might just crack open a door.

It's something I did quite awhile ago to answer the question posed here.

************

Think of a past relationship from a very long time ago. Maybe even one from high school or just right after.

A relationship that is totally over and one that you haven't thought of for years and maybe even forgot.

Now... .picture this person showing up at your front door with the intent to inflict emotional pain.

They can't do it can they... .ask yourself why that is.

Even if that person from the past was BP,they still can't do it... .ask yourself why and what is differant today that this last one can.

[goochiegirl]

Oh, I want to mention one more thing here... .right before my ex admitted to the new g/f, he told me he'd gone camping this past Saturday. This is when I said, "new chick?" and he replied, "Actually, new girlfriend."

It occurred to me days later... .CAMPING?  Who the hell goes camping in December?  Why on earth would you pick that activity with someone new?  The only place to go camping over here is somewhere out of the valley... in which case it's even colder at night. It puzzled me.

And then I had the AHA.   :   The last major thing we were going to do together was to go camping... I had never been camping with him before and so he suggested it in August. I couldn't go the weekend we had planned, so we scheduled it for Labor Day weekend, and he was researching places, etc.  Things weren't going to hot during that week, and he ended up blowing me off, not returning my calls. So we never did go, and I remember telling him how upset I was that he just assumed I didn't want to go, truth being I really did want to go. 

So, what better way to give me yet another dig than to tell me he went camping - as it's something he knew I wanted to do, never did with him, the last thing we were going to do together... I have no idea if he actually went or if it was a total fabrication. But even if he DID go, I know that it was just another thing to rub my nose in - and he went purposely to feel like, "screw you!"

The reason I suspect this too, is because he had a habit of knowing there were movies I wanted to see, things I wanted to do, and he would put it off and put it off - and then go and do/see it without me, and then tell me, "Oh, you should REALLY see that move, it was AWESOME!"  And I'd get so hurt and upset, telling him, "I tried to get you to see that movie with me and you never would... why do you always see the movies I want to see without me?"  Now I know.

[Skippy]

Gooh... .

I think I would have swam the Nile to save my relationship.  But once I suspected my former BPDgf might be crossing over the line to that "vindictive stage they enter"... .I got out of Dodge.

Once you are black... .every contact after that will explore new levels of pain.

If you are frail now... .name one person that could and would feel justified to push you over the line.

Read the poll!