Manipulated once again Need support to detach

[whythisgirl]

Its been a few days since my last post and during that time my xBPD and I hadn't spoken for 2 weeks. This past Sat I had a moment of weakness and went against everything just to hear his voice. He ignored my calls and text at first then decided to pick up. I pleaded with him to have dinner with me and he agreed but of course some of his NPD traits wanted me to give reason why he should see me. Keep in mind he overreacted and broke up with me 2 weeks ago because of his irrational way of thinking. So he asked me to meet him at friends job( elder guy 35 years our senior) which I agreed to do. I felt doubled teamed when I arrived however the older guy did have some good feedback he provided to my ex and told him how he has to compromise in a r/s and he can tell that I am a very sweet girl and to treat me with respect.

Once we left there we went out to eat and was lovey dove for the remainder of the evening. He requested that I stay with him that evening. I shared my plans with him about moving out of state with my job within the next few weeks. So on Sun/Mon/Tues he has tried to bully me into letting him move out of state with me. I told him that I would like to get settled there first and maybe consider that option later. He said that will not work for him its either he goes there with me now or I can have a good life. Last night I received a crazy call from him telling me that he is down, then started accusing me of compromising his name, and I don't know what I want and need to quit playing games with him, its either he moves with me now but if he does I better not try to controll him because he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, then he started talking in 3rd person about "self" and how all he has is self and thoughts and his feelings are different from others. I began to cry and he got upset and asked why am I sad this my decision and how my communication is bad. In other words his narcissistic behavior kicked in to make me out to be the bad guy. Then I told him I'm get off the phone and he had to have the last word by saying no he is getting of the phone with me and hung up.

Here I go again. I only been with him for 7 months and our r/s has been very unhealthy. I developed deep feeling for him but I don't want to make the mistake by moving a hot tempered double standard and controlling individual out of state with me. How can I move on? I can't stop thinking about him holding on to the good times even though I no the bad outweighs the good.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Whythisgirl,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.     Are you still considering having him move with you once you get settled?  Do you still want to continue the relationship? Do you want to completely move on without him? These are important questions to ask yourself.

[whythisgirl]

Hi Whythisgirl,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.     Are you still considering having him move with you once you get settled?  Do you still want to continue the relationship? Do you want to completely move on without him? These are important questions to ask yourself.

I thought I wanted to continue the relationship but his actions push me away. He feels that he is showing me that he cares but his actions and words don't give me that security. My intuition is telling me no, my head is telling me no, but my heart is saying what if he is a better person away from this environment. I think it may be in my best interest to let my heart lose this time. I think speaking with him and getting on a somewhat good term gives me that closure I wanted 2 weeks ago. His selfish words last night assured me that I would have a miserable life if I continue to deal with him on this level.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Whythisgirl,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.     Are you still considering having him move with you once you get settled?  Do you still want to continue the relationship? Do you want to completely move on without him? These are important questions to ask yourself.

I thought I wanted to continue the relationship but his actions push me away. He feels that he is showing me that he cares but his actions and words don't give me that security. My intuition is telling me no, my head is telling me no, but my heart is saying what if he is a better person away from this environment. I think it may be in my best interest to let my heart lose this time. I think speaking with him and getting on a somewhat good term gives me that closure I wanted 2 weeks ago. His selfish words last night assured me that I would have a miserable life if I continue to deal with him on this level.

I understand how difficult it is when the actions and words do not match.  The inner conflict of being unsure is really hard. 

I understand how you think that maybe getting him out of his current environment will help him with his behavior.  From my experience with mypwBPD, changing the location where he was, did not help him with his maladaptive behavior.  It just masked his problems for a temporary time.  To truly change, a disordered person needs to be willing to take the steps.  I learned that I cannot change him, only he can do that.   

As hard as it sounds, you may never get the closure that you are seeking for from a disordered person.  Is that something that you would be okay with?   

[Pingo]

Whythisgirl, I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through.  But the title of your post really sums it up.  When do you get to make decisions for yourself?  Because it doesn't sound like your xBPD cares what you feel/think.  He is calling the shots and threatening that if you don't do what he says then you can say goodbye to him.  If you do agree to take him with you out of state bc of this fear, things will most likely get worse, not better.  After all, he will have learned that he can threaten and manipulate and get his own way.

I know it's hard when you are still embroiled emotionally and in the FOG but it does get better in time.  Moving out of state will give you a chance to reflect on your life and clear your mind.  If there is something real and worth saving in your r/s then it'll survive the move and change.

[whythisgirl]

Whythisgirl, I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through.  But the title of your post really sums it up.  When do you get to make decisions for yourself?  Because it doesn't sound like your xBPD cares what you feel/think.  He is calling the shots and threatening that if you don't do what he says then you can say goodbye to him. 

Thanks for your response! He is very dismissive of my feelings and suggestions. If its not what he wants to hear he resorts to insulting my intelligence as if I don't know how to communicate  effectively. He starts out the conversation with "I am having 2nd thoughts about moving together" and if I agree with him he flips it and says its my decision and he's not moving in with a selfish person. So crazy we have the most asinine arguments. After the breakup (5th one) with me again last night, he text me a few hours ago asking how am I feeling. I can only laugh at this point, trying not to waste anymore tears.

[fred6]

The questions that you must ask yourself and answer for yourself. Will this behavior change in the future? Do you want him with you if this behavior doesn't change and he moves out of state with you?

I told him that I would like to get settled there first and maybe consider that option later. He said that will not work for him its either he goes there with me now or I can have a good life.

You told him that you would consider the option for him to go later. He said that would not work for him. GAME OVER. You have already told him up front that he can't go with you until you get settled. If it was me, I would let him know that "I'm moving and have decided to have a good life, take care of yourself. Goodbye." Detach and NC!

[Panther123]

Do not do it.  Cut all ties now and move on.  

I was exactly where you are 4 years ago.  She only got worse and worse.  You need to take care of yourself.  There are good people in the world who you will meet.

I know it is hard.  However, sometimes even when you love someone you still do not belong together.  Good luck.

[nodiggity]

Note the   

If he moves with you, you will be supporting him as he will not have a job?  It will be your fault as you made him move.   This is laden with potential manipulation.

[whythisgirl]

Do not do it.  Cut all ties now and move on.  

I was exactly where you are 4 years ago.  She only got worse and worse.  You need to take care of yourself.  There are good people in the world who you will meet.

I know it is hard.  However, sometimes even when you love someone you still do not belong together.  Good luck.

You are right. After hearing the crazy things that were coming out his mouth I already knew it would not work out.

[whythisgirl]

Note the   

If he moves with you, you will be supporting him as he will not have a job?  It will be your fault as you made him move.   This is laden with potential manipulation.

How funny! I said the same thing to him that if he moves and its doesn't work out he will blame me for bringing him there. He got upset and said no one can make him go anywhere he doesn't want to and that we are going there together not him following me there. His way of thinking is so far fetched to much. Too many red flags raised in that whole conversation. He started if off with he doesn't want a girlfriend but a wife and this will be a great new start for him. I'm thinking "oh no"  I will not be your wife! Not this girl!

[Mutt]

I better not try to controll him because he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, then he started talking in 3rd person about "self" and how all he has is self and thoughts

He's telling you: "I don't have boundaries nor do I respect boundaries"    This is trouble.

pwBPD have difficulties establishing boundaries and respecting other people's personal boundaries.

[whythisgirl]

He's telling you: "I don't have boundaries nor do I respect boundaries"    This is trouble.

pwBPD have difficulties establishing boundaries and respecting other people's personal boundaries.

Argh! He showed me this yesterday. There is no absolute way I would EVER live with that man. I planned an outing for my bday and told him to meet me at a specific time. Not only did he arrive late then he had the nerve to smirk and tell me to "chill out". Said he made a conscious decision to stay with the guys and talk a little more. Then he decided to leave to come meet me. Then he wouldn't talk to me the entire evening. So I told him I wanted to leave because I was bored with the show. He asked have you ever left early before? I told him no and he found some way to make it about him. Then he picked a fight in the car because I laughed and when I told him it was nothing, he called me a "liar". So we rode back to his car in complete silence. So he tried to jump out my car, I was so upset so I place the car in reverse (while he was standing outside the car and the door was closing) and revved the engine (the car reversed not even 20 ft, and he was on the side not behind the car) and he accused me of trying to hit him with the vehicle. I am so done with him I don't know why I even bothered opening Pandora's box.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry whythisgirl. That's terrible news for your birthday outing!

I planned an outing for my bday and told him to meet me at a specific time.

You were diligent and made plans for your birthday and invited him.

Not only did he arrive late then he had the nerve to smirk and tell me to "chill out". Said he made a conscious decision to stay with the guys and talk a little more.

This is a hurtful gesture to you. It's invalidating when you made plans, invited him and he's telegraphing indifference to your feelings and your birthday. It's not very kind. He could have declined the offer?

Then he wouldn't talk to me the entire evening.

The silent treatment  I think it's as painful when we're invalidated with the silent treatment than being invalidated with words. He's late, it's more important to hang out with the guys and makes for an awkward and tense evening.

So I told him I wanted to leave because I was bored with the show. He asked have you ever left early before? I told him no and he found some way to make it about him.

No doubt you want to leave. So far not a fun evening because of him! He tries to make you feel guilt from FOG with saying "have you ever left early before?" I would like to add you are in a no-win situation. It's unlikely what you could have done would have been right for him.

The reality is its your birthday, he's showing indifference to your feelings and needs. It's invalidating and he creates an uncomfortable atmosphere with his behavior. His actions and behaviors aren't justifiable. On the other hand it's OK to leave early if the show isn't to your taste? Your night.

Then he picked a fight in the car because I laughed and when I told him it was nothing, he called me a "liar"

A disproportionate display for his insecurities. Feelings = facts.

So he tried to jump out my car, I was so upset so I place the car in reverse (while he was standing outside the car and the door was closing) and revved the engine (the car reversed not even 20 ft, and he was on the side not behind the car) and he accused me of trying to hit him with the vehicle.

This must of been scary and frustrating. He's acting out and trying to throw himself out of the car. He projects his negative actions on you ( saying you were trying to hit him with the car, in fact he's trying to jump out of the car ) He created such a terrible night for you

I am so done with him I don't know why I even bothered opening Pandora's box.

There's a Japanese proverb that's fitting:

"Fall down seven times, get up eight."

If he's not a part of your plans for your birthday next year whythisgirl I don't think it can get worse than this. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Happy belated birthday and here's to the next one

[chronsweet]

I went through some turmoil recently with a guy I dated only a month.  I decided to end it and he stopped talking to me and acting very weird.  I think I am drawn (wait, I KNOW I AM DRAWN) to unhealthy relationships.  It was hard to let him go because we clicked, but since I have had some space, I feel much better.  My friend said to me, "If it is this bad in the beginning, IMAGINE, what the future holds." 

For myself, I am very insecure.  Most people wouldn't know this about me because I hide it well.  But alas, after living for decades under the control of an uBPDm, I have issues when it comes to relationships.  What I have realized lately, is that I am NOT READY for a relationship.  I have many people pursuing me, but I have put them all off until 'after the holidays', and I can venture to say that I have months of healing to do to realize my self worth.  I know I am worthy, I just have to come to grips with it and learn to set boundaries and recognize when an unhealthy person presents themselves to me. 

The person I dated for a month received one text from his ex and the next day he told me he was going to commit suicide.  To any healthy, secure person, this would have been a red flag.  But my years of upbringing have taught me to accept and rescue.  As I have a young son, I have to steer clear of these types of relationships.

What you describe, whether you're right or wrong or he is right or wrong, sounds volatile at best.  I know that relationships take work, but this early on, it seems more wrong than right from an outside perspective.  I have found myself seeking acceptance from those of the opposite sex as a way to help me achieve my own self worth.  With my last encounter, I have realized that I also am not healthy enough mentally to be in a relationship.  While he was having his own mental issues, so too am I.  Albeit different, but still issues none-the-less.  My self worth comes from me.  If people,  such as my uBPDm, can't accept me for me, then guess what, I am still okay with me.  We all have value and worth.  I think when we can recognize and accept this from within then we will draw like individuals.

Just my own thoughts and reflections for the day and what I have been going through.  I hope you find strength and inner peace this holiday season.

[whythisgirl]

This is a hurtful gesture to you. It's invalidating when you made plans, invited him and he's telegraphing indifference to your feelings and your birthday. It's not very kind. He could have declined the offer?

He has already invalidated my feelings. smh... But when it came to him he would say things to me that "I don't take into consideration his feelings". That was all projection.

No doubt you want to leave. So far not a fun evening because of him! He tries to make you feel guilt from FOG with saying "have you ever left early before?" I would like to add you are in a no-win situation. It's unlikely what you could have done would have been right for him.

The reality is its your birthday, he's showing indifference to your feelings and needs. It's invalidating and he creates an uncomfortable atmosphere with his behavior. His actions and behaviors aren't justifiable. On the other hand it's OK to leave early if the show isn't to your taste? Your night.

When I think about it, his entire demeanor changed because earlier that day I told him I was going to a theme park with my friend the next day. During the evening, he kept mentioning "oh are you thinking about how early you need to get up tomorrow". Can't understand how someone gets upset because I was invited to go someone with a female friend.

Happy belated birthday and here's to the next one

Thank you!

[peiper]

This is why it's important to stay NC. As long as we let them live in our heads rent free they will. It gives them a feeling of control. Hence all the crazy making. They know it makes us think about them. And your never going to be able to understand someone who is insane anyway. Just take care of you.

[myself]

I pleaded with him to have dinner with me

How is he manipulating you when you're the one begging him to respond and see you? If you really want and need to detach, don't contact him. Don't hang out with him. Use the info that it doesn't work with him to help you stay away, as hard as that is at this time. These moves are up to you.

[Mutt]

If you really want and need to detach, don't contact him. Don't hang out with him. Use the info that it doesn't work with him to help you stay away, as hard as that is at this time. These moves are up to you.

This past Sat I had a moment of weakness and went against everything just to hear his voice.

Many have moments of weakness and holidays or birthdays can make it challenging. I think what's important is that we pick ourselves up and try again.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. ~Samuel Beckett

[whythisgirl]

I pleaded with him to have dinner with me

How is he manipulating you when you're the one begging him to respond and see you? If you really want and need to detach, don't contact him. Don't hang out with him. Use the info that it doesn't work with him to help you stay away, as hard as that is at this time. These moves are up to you.

You are right, I did give in and beg for him to go out with me. The manipulation with him is that he knows that if he gives the silent treatment I will want to an explanation to why he isn't talking to me. I have come to terms that this is his way of trying to take control when I do give in to his bullying.

[whythisgirl]

This is why it's important to stay NC. As long as we let them live in our heads rent free they will. It gives them a feeling of control. Hence all the crazy making. They know it makes us think about them. And your never going to be able to understand someone who is insane anyway. Just take care of you.

You are absolutely right! My ex has a mix of NPD and BPD traits. So if I reach out this fulfills his sadistic gratification. Oh but never again!