"johnfl - this is where I'm really stuck with living with my uNBh... I do "know better" but am paralyzed and unstructured finding my way on my own (even after trusting my "highest Power" to lead me on this from it's beginning 35 years ago)."Still, I thank god that I never ended up moving with my most recent ex. I lived with my last gf who was BPD, for a year. I remember waking up in the mornings and after making coffee...her criticising it being too strong, too weak...or god only remembers what... :
It literally wore me down to a nub...Then there was the way I stacked the dishes.. ;== Walking on Eggshells...Sleeping on Eggshells...Then there was the time she backed over the garbage can and blamed me for buying one that was too big! Forget the fact that she had just downed a bottle of Vodka and needed to go out for a 2 hour cigarette break at 2AM and forgot it was trash day... ;== Of course...she spend the next morning btching about all the trash being in the yard...
And I am not kidding...I am sitting here LMAO...as I write this...laughing at myself...when I think how she was...I mean I am doubled over laughing at myself...not b'c its funny living with BPD...its just comical now as I have no other way to look at it b'c I was playing a part in it...and there was A time I really thought she was "the one" thought I would really miss her...My god WTH was I thinking...I am only saying this in hopes you can relate...
At the time it wasn't funny, Still...it was gut wrenching...killer painful...I made it out somehow, someway...See the contrast? It sounds like you are enmeshed. Would you agree? I know I was...Do you have a way to get counselling? If you can, its a step in the direction out of OZ...
I don't know your story or circumstances...and I'm not a counsellor. But one of the few things I've managed to do is get out of BPD land in the past...I've done it more than a few times...I just have to stop going back now...No more...
Anyway, to my point for you...One of the things that REALLY helped was to make a game plan...of finances, work, workout...etc...I set my goal to get out by ex date...start a sales goal or target...get on a killer workout plan...and told myself its this or I will die...Then I set up weekly counselling sessions, got a buddy here on bpdfamily..Her name was Nelful..she was probably the one person that woke me up...and gave me the support as I was getting out...she just appeared one day...and wrote to me everyday for weeks..
Something that helped me out b4 and still helps me is relating to someone who has made it out and is well...It gives you a model to work towards...There was this guy b4 by the screenname of Marky..He was a warrior and his resolve and dedication to recovery still stick with me...This stuff IS serioiusly life threatening..
This time around it was relating to Gary's story...(he doesn't know how helpful his posts have been to me) but I relate to his story and circumstances for some reason...I know that if I didn't just say..."I quit" something bad was waiting for me around the corner...I also realize that what I am looking for (a healthy loving relationship) doesn't mean torturing myself to the point of insanity...I couldn't see what I was doing to myself...I am REALLY trying to get out now and see and resolve my inner conflict...Sorry to go off on a tangent Still ...Its just that I realize where you are..and how hard it is...Good Luck...
