Full circle

[PDQuick]

Its funny how time, education and healing can transform ones soul. I think I have come full circle in my life, and for the right reasons.

When I came to bpdfamily.com, or bpdfamily, it was February 2007. I was an emotional mess, and I couldnt see the forest for the trees. I had been in a relationship with a B/NPD woman, off and on for 13 years. I hated this woman, but loved her with all of my heart. I didnt understand the dynamics, and the forces at work. I thought it was all her fault, and that I was the saint. I thought I knew what love was, and she didnt. I thought I was right, and she was wrong.

I posted on this website all of my pain, my emotions, and my fears. I cried, I was depressed, and all seemed hopeless. I put myself in therapy, and started meds for depression. I read virtually every post on this website, looking for the keys to unlock her door. What I found were the keys that unlocked mine.

You see, I began to realise that it wasnt her at all. It wasnt her fault, it was all my own. I can only be accountable for my actions. I can only control myself. I had spent 13 years, trying to control an uncontrollable situation. I spent 13 years, trying to fix what wasnt mine to fix. I was a beaten man for it all. I had done it to myself.

I became a better man to me, for me. I became a better friend to myself. I began to see the light of it all, and just what this experience was trying to drill through my hard head. I began to see a wounded young man, so hungry for the love he never gave himself, that he tried to extract it from a person sent into his life to hurt him to the point of teaching him a lesson. It was a painful thing to look back on and realise.

Now the woman that I loved, or thought I loved, has moved on, and has married another man, just 3 months after the break-up, I felt an emptyness. A void that only I could fill. And I found the tools to fill that void. The void is me, and I filled it with me. I couldnt fill it with another woman, I couldnt fill it with anything other than the stuff that was taken from that spot to begin with. I am a happier man now. I used to be vengeful, and I used to be angry. Those emotions have been squelched for a while now. The only thing left is peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and knowledge. I know that it wasnt my place to fix her, and I now know that it wasnt her fault that she is the way she is. I have accepted my role in the dysfunctionship, and in life in general. I have forgiven her for all that happened, and I have forgiven myself for not looking out for myself. I understand why I put myself in such a place, and the dynamics that aligned to take me there. I have dealt with those demons, and now I am at peace for the first time in my life.

I am telling you all of this, because the circle has been completed. I am helping my exs husband. They are divorcing, and it has gotten very ugly. He and I spoke last night on the phone for close to 4 hours. I did not seek him out, but a mutual friend put us in touch with each other. I am not helping him for any other reason than because I care, and he wants to be away from it all. He wants to find the inner peace that I have found. I am not doing this to be vengeful, and I was not upset in the least to talk to him. Actually, I was quite releived. I have known about the pending divorce for the last month, and all I could feel was sorrow for him, and her. I predicted it all, in its entirety. And that does sadden me.

I do not want her back, and that is not a concern. I just think how beautiful an experience it is to be able to help a soul find himself, after being so close to my hurt. It speaks volumes of the growth I have undergone. I am so very thankful for that growth, and the opportunity to help another find the way to a better, happier life.

[crystal]

Congrats PD!

Your post is wonderful.  Honest and accepting. Gives me great hope.

Thanks for all your posts of your journey.  And for all the help you have given me, and others, on our own journeys. 

xoxo

[Isitme]

Amazing.  You are an amazing man.  I second the thanks, for all the knowledge and inspiration I have gained in reading your posts. 

Who better, to lead this lost soul than one who traveled the path before.  I hope he appreciates you.   xoxo

[turtle]

Well, that definitely IS full circle.

It's amazing that when we stop trying to "fix" them and "fix" ourselves, they usually move on.  When we "fix" ourselves, it becomes impossible to tolerate their bs.  That's what happend for me too.  I couldn't fix crazyx -- a) it's not my place to do that and b) he didn't want to be "fixed" (no pun intended.)  Once I stopped worrying about fixing him and turned that around on myself, I got to the other side -- and I emerged a much healthier, happier, confident, well-grounded person.  Turtle is no longer in the shell.

I'm so glad you've extended a helping hand to such a wounded soul.  Although, I would've expecting nothing less from you!

Turtle

 

[Chili]

Bravo, PDQ! I am so proud of you and for you! I know the validation you are giving to this man is invaluable. I have been there (in his shoes) with PM’s exW. You are most certainly doing the right thing in helping him. Even though we share common experiences at bpdfamily.com, nothing comes close to what two people who have been involved with the same BPD have in common.

Chili

[the end]

BRAVO indeed... xoxo

I  was victimized as a child by sexual abuse, I was further victimized by the emotional abuse of xh...that is all true but I'm responsible for my own response and my choices of behavior apart from the abuse, that is MY JOB. I learned that from participating in T and working the 12 steps of sexual abuse victims program.

I value the teachings of the 12 step program, sounds like you worked your own version of completion of the 'full circle ' you described.

The last one in particular, 

12--- Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.