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Author Topic: Do you think they have regrets?  (Read 7031 times)
Maggie0201
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« on: October 02, 2009, 10:57:04 PM »

Was out with friends tonight and I randomly got a text from one of my best friends exes... .(not BPD but had some def mental health issues). It has been 5 months since he broke up with my best friend and seems upset that she is taking care of herself and living well. Got be thinking... .what are people's thoughts of the exes having regrets? Do you think they look back and can see things they did wrong or do they just move on to the next partner and not at all think back?
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gary1958
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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2009, 11:07:38 PM »

Mine told me once that she had made lots of mistakes in her life... .Never stopped her from repeating them... .
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« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2009, 11:14:37 PM »

Mine told me she regretted every time we broke up... .and I do believe she did.

But that didn't stop her from breaking up with me again. 6 times.
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« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2009, 11:23:44 PM »

6 times for me in the last 3 months... .all my fault... the relationship and me were toxic in her words... .she never owned up to any thing
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« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2009, 11:26:15 PM »

I do think they have regrets... .Until they change the truth, facts, flip flop it, turn their feelings into facts, create delusional scenarios, exaggerate our faults or mistakes to lessen their feeling of regret.  Then it's someone elses fault, so they have no need for regrets since they have nothing wrong with them.  

In lucid moments my ex would admit regrets, but it would go away.  It's a coping mechanism.
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« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2009, 11:53:49 PM »

my ex , still tries to talk to me, and all that . She has told me over and over she messed up, and her life is a mess but i refuse to let her make mine a mess, so I stay away.
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« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2009, 12:09:14 AM »

Good for you, nick212!  It's good to hear someone say it like that--simple and strong:
Excerpt
She has told me over and over she messed up, and her life is a mess but i refuse to let her make mine a mess, so I stay away

My ex could only express regrets in email or notes, and they would be so watered-down it was artful.  He could say "I f-ed up" or something to that effect.  But then he would add a bunch of context about how other things happened and made him do it.  When put on the spot in conversation, he'd literally panic, try to flee the conversation, or if forced, start blaming everyone and everything else.  And even if he said he had regrets, he could not look you in the eye and say "I'm sorry".  Ever.  Empathy and understanding of how he hurt people was something he either couldn't or wouldn't practice. 

Most of his "regrets" were about fear or stress over being caught.  He'd chain smoke or drink when he got in those situation.  I'll never know if real regrets cropped up in his mind just on his own.
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« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2009, 12:57:50 AM »

I think they suffer  as much as we do. They know something is wrong with them, but I think fear prevents from reaching out for help. Think  about our own bad habits. How many of us succeed in changing behaviors and bad habits that we promise we will change but never do. I am sure they have many regrets, but I am not going to spend my time pondering about that. I spent too much time trying to fix her, and now I am looking forward not backward.
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« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2009, 03:25:40 AM »

They will never admit they made a mistake. They won't go into detail anyways. They may say the words "mistake" or "sorry for everything" or something like that, but it isn't actually addressing the problem. They are just words.

They can't really admit they make mistakes because they have to admit they are flawed, which means they are all bad, ect. They are really screwed up. I had a convo with my ex about this recently. I asked her if she had any regrets. Methodically painted reality. The mistakes ect. Her response was to accuse me of judging her, dancing around it, not answering it, and accusing me of making her feel bad.

Insane isn't it? Yes that's mental illness.
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TroubledNYC
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« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2009, 04:14:46 AM »

Regrets? I've had a few... .

Had to throw the Sinatra line in there.

To answr the question though, about whether or not 'they' have regrets, I think we all have to make the attempt to understand how 'they' see and experience the world.  I believe the BPD life experience is one of feeling and underdeveloped emotions that they have a very difficult time understanding and sorting through. Thus, their erratic emotional swings. So I do believe they expeience the full range of human emotion, but 'in their own way'.

It's sort of like saying, do they feel love? Do they feel hate? Sure they do, as they can understand and deal with those feelings IN THAT MOMENT. So, do they OR are they capable of feeling regret. I'm sure they are but again, it is through the same low threshold filter through which all their emotions are experienced.

They may feel regret but not in the same way that a NON would experience regret, which is with a prolonged processing of thought based on facts and actions taken. Our process of arriving at regret is usually more mature, developed and encompassing a larger context of a WHOLE enterity of a relationship, not just one aspect of it as the BPD is oft to do.

They probably feel regret when it suits their fears to do so and even so, it is not really regret about YOU. Not really as the feeling probably didn't spring from realizatios the BPD person had about you. It is about them and their overwhelming fears and needs.

I think you are asking the queston because you would like to know that this person who so easily discarded you, has ANY human feeling for you at all, or was it all just make believe?  The answer is both yes and no. They had feeling for you as THEY could and now will think of you in the way that they need to to protect themselves and survive. Not too comforting, I know. But I believe it is the truth.

From the heart... .
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« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2009, 05:51:55 AM »



There never seemed to be any regret at the time or since her decision to end it. Even though she professed to be sad after we parted, it hardly lasted more than a week at most. She was consistent and adamant that she was certain she made the right decision.

The sum total of her thoughts of our time together was "I don't regret our relationship, but I don't regret splitting up either." Not a single word more about our two years together. I don't suppose there was much time to have regret as she was trying to find someone new asap.

Regret or remorse would suggest an admission of error or mistakes made, that simply wouldn't do. 

You can learn from regret, so in that sense it seems unlikely there is any genuine lasting regret whilst the commitment to make necessary changes for themselves is avoided.

I think in my case the feeling I have always had was that I was being punished and the ensuing silence and avoidance of dialogue was a control issue. A kind of "I'll show you, if you don't give me what I want!" The defensive mechanisms serve to protect the fragility, any real examination of guilt, conduct, remorse is a direct threat to safety and self preservation. There may be some displayed but again thus will be at their need only.


Sandyb
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Kenneth
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« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2009, 07:11:29 AM »

This is a great thread, Maggie. Thanks for it.

Instead of echoing others' replies, let's take a look at this from another angle:

Do we have regrets? And what sort of regrets do we have?

I remember in one of the maddening exchanges after the final break-up I told my ex that I wanted her to be happy. I am happy, she said. "Well, I'm not," I replied. "I'm sad and regretful."

Part of my regret was selfish: I wanted the relationship to work; I wanted to be loved. But another regret was that she was continuing the same behavior, creating another love triangle, and obviously acting from out of her pain.

But what do I do about my regret? I've been working on myself, confronting the fact that the relationship was unhealthy, and this is what I need to do: disengage. Just like the BP believes This is for the best... .I've made the right decision, so too do we. And for all we know, they might take our NC as evidence that we no longer care about them (we are no longer participating in their "testing"; we're no longer running after them), evidence that they themselves do not deserve to be loved.
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Maggie0201
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« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2009, 07:44:22 AM »

Thanks everyone for your replies... .was really great to read everyones. I can agree that the mental illness prevents much regret. I also think that somewhere deep down inside they know something is not right with them and some may never find the courage to seek help but those that eventually do and get help must look back and think of how dynfunctional things were in relationships. Just a thought.

As for Kenneth's questions... .do we have regrets? Tough question... .sometimes I feel my regret is that I did not walk away sooner... .she ended it. Then I also think I do not regret that because I feel I gave it my all and can not look back and regret... .apparently I have a double standard for myself. A couple regrets I have during the relationship is when she got really sucidial at the end and at one point jumped out of a moving car and was heading into a bad neighborhood I followed her which put me in danger instead of calling 911. I tried to handle her depression and sucidal on my own until eventually I got help from this board and a friend and realized that was not helping only making it worse. I also regret allowing someone to break me down like that. I have always been an independent person who does not take crap from people. Sorta makes me wander how I stood there at times and allowed myself to be apart of the dyfunction. I guess I could go on and on with regrets but at this point I know I did everything I could to try and stay. She was not trying to change and a relationship can not be about one person changing and the other thinking they have no problems. Just was not healthy for me.

Maggie
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SaraHopes
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« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2009, 07:50:53 AM »

I might add that I think that they have deep regrets.  Although I feel uncomfortable speaking for all of them.   Each case could be different.   I just know that my soon to be ex husband is often deeply ashamed of his behavior, but at the time, he cannot face it.   He reacts in horrible ways, very child-like to things he has done and I don't find out about his regrets until years later.   Having had a 20 year relationship with him, he does eventually say he regretted his behavior, or in his words "I cringe when I think about what I did(or said).   But at the time, he stubbornly and almost violently defends his position.   So, when he finally sees the error in his ways, it's a horrible feeling for me.  Why couldn't we have agreed back then?  Why did we have to go through all that pain to only have you agree later?   It's mind bending, to say the least.

As for my own regrets?  I only regret that I didn't understand that trying to reason with him was impossible.  I spent hours trying get him to understand my heart only to find out that he understood nothing and it was almost like we had no conversation at all.   Our marriage therapist worked with me in understanding that saying nothing was best.   Because getting me to get angry at him was what he wanted on a subliminal level.   But the chaos in our house was toxic.   I regret not having a handle on my own frustration.  I regret not finding out what was wrong with him  earlier in my childrens lives, I regret not pursuing the peace I feel now, raising our kids alone, without him here.   The happiness is lovely, I am just sorry he could not share that with us.
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Kenneth
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« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2009, 08:14:20 AM »

Certainly we have regrets, but I'm hopeful we'll not be too hard on ourselves for things we did not know at the time. I try to keep in mind that I was enmeshed and exhibiting co-dependent behavior. In many ways, I believe I'm lucky I didn't betray too horribly my integrity.

There was, however, one terrible moment I regret. At the same time my ex and I were having some intense problems (I was on the far end of her pushing me away just after an amazing two weeks together), I received an email from an ex-girlfriend. In an impulsive moment I sent this ex-girlfriend an email suggesting that she and I sleep together, no strings. I caught myself the next morning and sent her an apology before she could reply. She immediately forgave me--though it's still unsettling that I had this little act-out and could potentially hurt her and deceive my uBPgirlfriend-at-the-time.

This week I received another email from this ex from whom I solicited cynical sex--and I've apologized again. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that where I was in my own abusive relationship could bring out the same behaviors my BP was exhibiting towards me.

So perhaps I regret that I could allow myself to be pushed to commit acts I deplore. It did help me understand, however, the ways we lose ourselves in abusive relationships--and although I stayed in the BP relationship I never did take my pain out on anyone else again.

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Maggie0201
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« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2009, 08:44:34 AM »

Thanks for sharing Kenneth... .Don't beat yourself up too much! I think the important thing to remember is that you can express that this was out of your character and you regret it. Just knowing that is huge! I guess like you said we can not have too many regrets because we were in unhealthy relationships, unhealthy ourselves! Reading your post reminded me of a similar instance with me... .my ex had suddenly decided she had to go out of town right in the middle of out of town family in for a death and was mad because I could nto be happy for her... .on an impulse I texted my ex... .just to say hello... .which we had not talked in awhile... .nothing ended up happening and it was just a contact but I regretted it the next day because I knew I was doing it for attention not to reach out and talk.  I also apologized and the weird thing is we became friends after that... .BPD ex did not like us talking in the beginning... .even though we had maintained a casual friendship for years after a mutual break-up.
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« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2009, 08:45:36 AM »

I beleive mine did and does,I feel she almost did it to protect me,if that makes any sence,reading here last day or so again for the first time in weeks,there has been a of BPDex,ruining there partners lifes,and I know this to be true,about this awfull disease,but mine was a little different that way,and a current song by Kelli Clarkston "Already Gone" has really hit me,the lyrics are sureal to me ,right from started with a perfect kiss.She is someone elses problem now,and I have loved 2 people in my life,she is one of them,and as ill as she is she figured it out it was for the best to not be together.
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« Reply #17 on: October 03, 2009, 08:48:19 AM »

This little gem written by my exgf prior to us meeting gives an idea that although there is awareness of her behaviour not being appropriate, there was no actual regret or change of mindset in the relationship with me. I can absolutely guarantee that there was no regret for my predecessor as you will note.

The end seems to justify the means.

Why am i such a cow?

Sometimes I can be a right first class btch... .

I don't know why I'm like this I really don't...

Sometimes people annoy me.They get in your space. They get ill and moan or lie all over you whinging & spreading germs. They get aggressive and frighten you. They insist on ringing when you're eating you're dinner. They take the piss out of you and insist they're just "aving a larf". They let you down when you need them and demand attention when you don't.

Sometimes when they annoy me too much my head starts buzzing & I need to lie down and listen to music very loud until the noise stops

I think I need therapy


Sandyb

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Kenneth
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« Reply #18 on: October 03, 2009, 08:56:05 AM »

I think the important thing to remember is that you can express that this was out of your character and you regret it. Just knowing that is huge! I guess like you said we can not have too many regrets because we were in unhealthy relationships, unhealthy ourselves! Reading your post reminded me of a similar instance with me... .my ex had suddenly decided she had to go out of town right in the middle of out of town family in for a death and was mad because I could nto be happy for her... .on an impulse I texted my ex... .just to say hello... .which we had not talked in awhile... .nothing ended up happening and it was just a contact but I regretted it the next day because I knew I was doing it for attention not to reach out and talk.  I also apologized and the weird thing is we became friends after that... .BPD ex did not like us talking in the beginning... .even though we had maintained a casual friendship for years after a mutual break-up.

Thanks for sharing this, Maggie. And, you're right. To catch our own behavior, our own impulses and not act out on them, is an important distinction. Regret, in the end, is an indication of health and that our consciences still work.
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innergame
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« Reply #19 on: October 03, 2009, 10:27:33 AM »

Hi Maggie,

It's something to wonder about. Maybe they do feel regret sometimes, but I think it's not about them regretting having done something wrong, because as Howzah said, that would mean admitting a flaw, which in a 'splitters' mind means they'd have to be all bad, and people would abandon them (I'm not going to try and dissect that further, it's crazy). If they do perceive their flaw it would only be briefly at best I'd imagine.

Given their problems admitting fault, regret for them would probably more along the lines of how a thief would regret being caught. When the BP is in their own 'jail' - being abandoned, or finding themselves alone - they might wish they'd 'played' you or their circumstances differently, but regretting their actions as wrong or morally culpable would be superficial at best.

Kind of like how Clinton regretted lying about Monica. In interviews I've seen him 'regret' not saying 'I did nothing illegal' instead of lying about the sex.

Innergame
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Desert
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« Reply #20 on: October 03, 2009, 10:40:13 AM »

I never thought anyone would commence a thread about regrets, but it's a great topic.

I used to think that regret only referred to our own actions, but I consulted a dictionary and found the following:

re⋅gret

  /rɪˈgrɛt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ri-gret] Show IPA verb, -gret⋅ted, -gret⋅ting, noun

Use regret in a Sentence

See web results for regret

See images of regret

–verb (used with object)

1.    to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2.    to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

–noun

3.    a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.    a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.


And I would therefore say that I regret almost my entire life (note the signature line at the bottom of my posts).

As for my ex... .

I'm fairly sure that she regrets the loss of our relationship, but only from a sense of lost security, not any sense of a lost opportunity for love. 

Her stepmom told me that a couple of weeks before my ex gave birth, she (stepmom) asked my ex about me:  how was I, had she seen me, would they be seeing me again soon?

Stepmom said that ex had a visible emotional reaction which she was clearly working to suppress, but remained completely silent. 

I know she'll never admit to any regrets. 

And I am saddened that both of us are feeling this way.  It would be awful if it lingered for us both, but I fear that it might.   :'(

/ Desert

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trax
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« Reply #21 on: October 03, 2009, 02:33:32 PM »

When my xh got in trouble for something, he would say "I take full responsibility for xyz, and it was wrong for me to do xyz". 

It took me awhile to realize that he never said, I'm sorry I did xyz OR I won't do it again!  Its because he WASN'T sorry and he WASN'T going to stop doing it!

I'm so glad to be away from this man.
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innerspirit
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« Reply #22 on: October 03, 2009, 05:48:36 PM »

Regrets? I've had a few... .

Had to throw the Sinatra line in there.

Yeah my mind went there too, TNYC.  Come to think of it, "MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" has a graceful internal rhyme to it -- pure Sondheim, huh?

Regrets?  That's a hard question -- having had a necessary brief encounter with X today, I still see the profound grief and self-pity -- heart on his sleeve.  But unless there's been some huge change, it's regret that I left rather than his personal look at himself.  Really sad.  The one thing that would have saved us is right in front of him in the mirror.

But it would be very much like him to play Sinatra in the spotlight.  Cue the tympani -- I hear a big finish coming up.

"Thank you folks and [long dramatic pause, he's choked up after all] ----  good night."
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« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2009, 06:11:35 PM »

Mine seemed to have intense moments of regret, which didn't make any freakin sense to me since she left me... .until I found these forums. How could she regret what she did and then continue to screw everything up even more? Her family told me that she was at home crying her eyes out when the whole break-up ordeal started. Taking benadryl to make herself pass out because she couldn't sleep. Mind you, she told me before we met she used to take benadryl to make herself sleep so she couldn't feel the pain. So of course I was worried as hell about her, thinking she regressed to how she was before we met. But not a day or two after she left for good, her family is telling me she's fine and she's not sick. I went to her myspace page once because her sister told me she remade it, and I read that she's "excited" and telling all her freinds she's single. I'm thinking how the hell does that happen? What is going on... .this doesn't make any sense? If I did (or do) indeed have PTSD, this confusion is what triggered it I think.

Schwing went through my whole break-up story, which I wrote out on another forum before I knew of BPD because I was so lost. Basically, the day she moved out (the 4th day of the break-up saga), she came and got her stuff and was crying the whole time, telling me she was "****ed up", that she loved me and didn't know what was wrong, etc. When she left she was bawling. She called me 40 minutes later (as my phone rings I think it's because she realize she screwed up and is coming back home), but she simply says she's coming back b/c she forgot her clothes. So when she returns, she seems almost like a zombie. Devoid of any emotion whatsoever. Schwing suggested at this point is when the dissociation and splitting was really starting. She was beginning to actively block out any of the positive feelings for me out of her head, and transferring all the crap on to me. This makes sense, as after that moment none of her behavior seemed to make sense at all. It was the next day or two I went to her myspace page, reading that she's excited and I also read a message she left on the guy's page she was emotionally cheating on me with. She did have a few moments months later where she seemed remorseful... .telling me she "ruined everything" and stuff like that, but whenever pressured at all about things she freaked out and shut back down.

So yes, I think they often have regrets, but they just can't get past their defense mechanisms and everything is generally blocked out of their conscious mind.
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bkay
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« Reply #24 on: October 03, 2009, 06:48:52 PM »

So yes, I think they often have regrets, but they just can't get past their defense mechanisms and everything is generally blocked out of their conscious mind.

This makes sense... .like I said in my earlier response, and others have said, they probably do have some regrets but won't admit them (or stick to the admitting).  One weekend my ex was in a particular negative mood, had a couple of rages and threatened suicide.  He then apologized, sent me flowers and for a few days seemed remorseful.  About a month later, that was out the window.  It then turned to blame.  It was not discussed again for several months where he brought up how awful *I* was that weekend.  It was complete delusions, but he had forgotten his remorse. 

I think they become too vulnerable in their mind if they admit regret, and carry anything over into their concious mind that may be their responsibility.  They have to pass it on to someone or something else, so then in their mind there is nothing to be regretful about.
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« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2009, 08:00:54 PM »

This has been very informative.  My stbx uBPDh would be remorseful for a very short period of time.  The next day or sometimes the next hour he was totally different.  I could never really understand that.  Then when he remembered things he remembered them totally different and didn't remember his response.  Now this trait is making more sense to me. 
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Kenneth
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« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2009, 08:14:17 PM »

This has been very informative.  My stbx uBPDh would be remorseful for a very short period of time.  The next day or sometimes the next hour he was totally different.  I could never really understand that.  Then when he remembered things he remembered them totally different and didn't remember his response.  Now this trait is making more sense to me. 

I think this is part of the object constancy problem (living in the moment), the tendency to revise history, and the "feelings are facts" dilemma of the BPD.

Meanwhile, I heard a lot of apologies and even, in the aftermath, that she was the "causing of all the pain," but she never took steps to alter her behavior even though it filled her with guilt. It could be the BPD helps the BP to sabotage their own chances at happiness and stability because they don't feel they deserve to be loved. They are more comfortable in dysfunction: it's their way of feeling alive.

Whatever their regrets are, I can't help but to feel that they themselves are not in control, that things had to happen this way. Underneath the BP's persona lies a very dark, damaged world they do their best to keep from confronting. 
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« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2009, 09:54:53 PM »

Yep, Calm2007, this makes sense of several really confusing issues from my past too. 

Excerpt
My stbx uBPDh would be remorseful for a very short period of time.  The next day or sometimes the next hour he was totally different.  I could never really understand that.  Then when he remembered things he remembered them totally different and didn't remember his response.  Now this trait is making more sense to me.

Shortly before we got married, my ex slipped up and made out with another girl while drunk.  He admitted this to me in a fit of apparent guilt.  I was upset but forgave him after the long explanation that he was just drunk, he stopped and didn't have contact with her anymore, etc.  A couple of days later, he turned on me in a conversation and said that his friends were telling him the fact that I didn't get more angry meant that I must have done the same thing.  Well, absolutely not.  But classic BPD way of putting someone else on the defensive.
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« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2009, 12:15:49 AM »

well, maybe i'm just having another awful Saturday night alone, replaying all the tapes over in my head, BUT, I kind of feel like: What difference does it really make if they feel regret or if they don't.

If my xBPDw feels any regret over leaving me and ending our marrige and an eight year relationship, does that help my situation in any way? Does it help anybody's?  I guess we all want to know if thjey are feeling ANYTHING like the pain and sorrow and loss that we are suffering through.

And I'll tell you all this. Right now, as I sit here alone on another Sat night without my wife, It really doesn't matter to my situatyion at all what she is feeling right now. Because whether she has regret or she doesn't, she is not coming back. She has moved on and I am left to struggle through this nightmare on my own.

I don't want her to have regrets. I don't even want her to feel sorry. I wanted her to do the right thing, which was to stay and work on the marrige and face our problems together.

But, as I now know, that scenario is all but impossible for someone with BPD.  I wish my heart would listen to what my head knows too well.
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innergame
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« Reply #29 on: October 04, 2009, 02:00:10 AM »

What difference does it really make if they feel regret or if they don't.

Hey TroubledNYC,

I hear you and it sounds like you're really feeling it right now. Beyond the speculation, the ultimate answer is it probably doesn't matter if they feel regret or if they don't. I don't think it would help to know one way or another, because that's their stuff and not anything we can control. Trying to find solace in their feelings or lack thereof is never gonna go well.

It'll take time, but your heart and head will get the timing right eventually. In the meantime, it sucks.

This is just one of the awful Saturday nights allotted to you on your calendar that you can check off as having survived. They won't all be like this. Cold comfort I know, but give it time.

Innergame
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« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2009, 02:41:38 AM »

Thanks innergame,

Yeah, survived is just the right word.It seems my whole life is purely about surving this whole horrible nightmarish experience.  It is surely the most exquiste kind of suffering I have ever gone through. And I have had many hills and valleys in my life.

What makes the pain so unique is the BPD behaivior. Looking back at the totality of the relationship and the break up, I realize that despit what I thought or believed, I was never in control of this experience on any level. She drew me in, became my best friend, lover ultimately wife and then whenshe reached the limits of her threshold, she switched and made me what she needed to in order to abandon everything. It was all for nothing.

I feel disembolwed. Like I will never heal. So yeah, 'survival' is the name of the game for me. Surviving these lonely weekends, surviiving the bad dreams, surviving all the 'painting me black' she has done with such force.

Surviving... .
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innerspirit
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« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2009, 03:56:56 PM »

well, maybe i'm just having another awful Saturday night alone, replaying all the tapes over in my head, BUT, I kind of feel like: What difference does it really make if they feel regret or if they don't.

If my xBPDw feels any regret over leaving me and ending our marrige and an eight year relationship, does that help my situation in any way? Does it help anybody's?  I guess we all want to know if thjey are feeling ANYTHING like the pain and sorrow and loss that we are suffering through.

And I'll tell you all this. Right now, as I sit here alone on another Sat night without my wife, It really doesn't matter to my situatyion at all what she is feeling right now. Because whether she has regret or she doesn't, she is not coming back. She has moved on and I am left to struggle through this nightmare on my own.

I don't want her to have regrets. I don't even want her to feel sorry. I wanted her to do the right thing, which was to stay and work on the marrige and face our problems together.

But, as I now know, that scenario is all but impossible for someone with BPD.  I wish my heart would listen to what my head knows too well.

I can hear the hurt in your post, but I want you to know I appreciate your expressing it so well.  It's like how I feel about having to see X yesterday -- sure, he can EMOTE with the best of them.  What the Hell is there in him that could have dug down and really worked on the marriage.

Sadly, not much.  And so regrets, yeah, I'm sure he FEELS regret; whether he has the capacity to move on it in any kind of pro-active way was/is the question.  "Sorry" on its own won't cut it; awareness might have.  But there's the big dilemma again.
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« Reply #32 on: August 23, 2014, 02:20:58 PM »

I heartily agree with the last post. 

These people experience life completely differently to nons and so the deep thinking that comes with regular regret doesn't exist.

They are truly unable to take responsibility for the things that have gone wrong in their life because that would be too heavy a blow to their self esteem.   Their whole life is about them and their problems because they don't have enough emotional capacity left over to worry about you.

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« Reply #33 on: August 23, 2014, 04:36:46 PM »

My exBPD would have regrets after every rage number (which was every other day). Tears and tears and tears and yelling and screaming DONT LEAVE ME!

Ehhh a minute ago you told me I was a horrible awefull person, satan herself, not worthy of any type of affection, a dead cold distant excuse for a human being?

I am absolutely sure he meant his apology in the most heart felt way THAT MOMENT... .

The next day it would be the same damn thing... .Then again apologies... .

We made an agreement that crossing the lone again meant losing me. If he were to break up with me again, I would keep him to it... .He did it again... .I stayed NC for 2 days. After that he gave another anger tantrum and I was done.

To me an apology is admitting you were wrong and never doing it again... Never crossing the line again... .The apologies became a broken record to me.

I am sure I crushed him, he never thought I would actually leave him. It will take him a week or two and he'll have another... .But I did hurt him... .

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« Reply #34 on: August 23, 2014, 05:44:49 PM »

I still struggle with the whole thing.  And I know that I am very confused and hurt over what happened.

I have had BPDs who would show guilt and remorse and I have had BPDs who didn't.  It all depended on whether you became chronically black or just occasionally so.

My BPDgf became much more abusive once her fear of me leaving was triggered.  Initally I had no intention of leaving but when she tossed me out I realized I was in a toxic relationship with no repair.  I'm in shock because the kids really loved me and I saw it in their behaviour  6 months later when the girl ran up to me and literally threw herself into my arms.  She played with me the whole day too. Smiling (click to insert in post)

The BPDGF went NC over that and I've hand to emotionally accept that I will never see these kids again.

I think she will be too guilty to be able to admit she did anything wrong.

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« Reply #35 on: August 23, 2014, 09:22:57 PM »

I think they have regrets, they just can't admit them to themselves or others. After raging on me last night. This morning while she was walking out the door she said, "I'm sorry, I know you think that I'm a horrible person". I told her that "it makes me sad that you can't have a calm talk with me, except when you're running out the door." As she was closing the door behind her, she said " there's nothing to talk about". If she was really sorry, she would stop seeing the other guy, work on our relationship, and get herself some mental help. So in the end, her saying "I'm sorry", was just to make herself feel better and had nothing to do with me or actually being sorry.
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« Reply #36 on: August 24, 2014, 12:19:12 PM »

Focusing on regret is a distraction from the truth.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #37 on: August 24, 2014, 01:11:47 PM »

I'm sure if I asked her, she would say that she regrets not marrying a doctor or a lawyer.
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« Reply #38 on: August 24, 2014, 02:13:39 PM »

my ex , still tries to talk to me, and all that . She has told me over and over she messed up, and her life is a mess but i refuse to let her make mine a mess, so I stay away.

I like this one. Refusing to let them mess up your life is the wisest choice ever.
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Vatz
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« Reply #39 on: August 24, 2014, 02:27:58 PM »

In her words "I'm sorry you were hurt, but I don't regret it" when I asked if she felt any remorse for cheating on me.

No, she has no regrets. Shes probably painting me black to her new savior. A year from now, she might say to him that she misses me. But will she regret no longer being with me? No. Will she regret the things she's done to hurt me and push me away? No.

When she abandons him, she won't regret that either.
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« Reply #40 on: August 24, 2014, 04:10:36 PM »

One of the last text messages my ex sent me before she disappeared was (I'm not happy about making you miserable)
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #41 on: August 24, 2014, 04:18:16 PM »

One of the last text messages my ex sent me before she disappeared was (I'm not happy about making you miserable)

Despite all the hurt and destruction my ex pBPD would always say he had no regrets.
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« Reply #42 on: August 24, 2014, 06:04:59 PM »

I got some sense from my ex that he knew he was hurting me.  Whether he had regrets or not, I'm not really sure, but if he did regret anything, it wasn't enough for him to stop the behaviors.

I believe that he certainly felt some regret, some guilt for his actions, but he truly doesn't know how to stop them. 
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« Reply #43 on: August 25, 2014, 02:15:54 PM »

I also received a text from him saying "I have no regrets".

At the time there was no connection to anything I had said. I was confused. Did he mean he didn't regret what he had done to me and that he had walked away, or did he mean he didn't regret that he had this relationship with me despite the way it ended.

I think he isn't even sure himself. Just uses it as a go to phrase instead of making a real effort to discuss and resolve issues.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #44 on: August 25, 2014, 03:04:26 PM »

You can't really have regrets unless you look back and reflect. Regrets come from the thought "I wish I would have done that differently".

My wife was scared to death of that thought. She hated it with a vengeance. She spent a lot of time convincing herself that she had done her best and that things could not have been better of different than how they turned out to be.

Regrets means admiting failure and weakness, at least partially. Would you expect that from your BPD partners?

I can talk openly about regrets. How I wish I had been nicer to people I knew when I was younger. How I wish I had made different career choices earlier in my life. I remember that used to scare my wife. She asked me to stop because she thought it was unpleasant when I talked about things like that. She liked to look forward she told me. Which was odd, because she never had any plans for the future.
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goingtostopthis
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« Reply #45 on: August 25, 2014, 11:52:05 PM »

I think they suffer  as much as we do. They know something is wrong with them, but I think fear prevents from reaching out for help. Think  about our own bad habits. How many of us succeed in changing behaviors and bad habits that we promise we will change but never do. I am sure they have many regrets, but I am not going to spend my time pondering about that. I spent too much time trying to fix her, and now I am looking forward not backward.

  I dont think they do.  I think we suffer more,  alot more.  They struggle, I dont think most of them have a clue how hurtful they are. If they knew and had emphathy, half the ___ that come down from them wouldnt be happening all the time. 
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goingtostopthis
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« Reply #46 on: August 26, 2014, 12:49:15 AM »

Thanks innergame,

Yeah, survived is just the right word.It seems my whole life is purely about surving this whole horrible nightmarish experience.  It is surely the most exquiste kind of suffering I have ever gone through. And I have had many hills and valleys in my life.

What makes the pain so unique is the BPD behaivior. Looking back at the totality of the relationship and the break up, I realize that despit what I thought or believed, I was never in control of this experience on any level. She drew me in, became my best friend, lover ultimately wife and then whenshe reached the limits of her threshold, she switched and made me what she needed to in order to abandon everything. It was all for nothing.

I feel disembolwed. Like I will never heal. So yeah, 'survival' is the name of the game for me. Surviving these lonely weekends, surviiving the bad dreams, surviving all the 'painting me black' she has done with such force.

Surviving... .

Sorry Trouble... .  I hear you. I feel the same way.  Mine knew what hurt  the most and even used the same key words on me the second time he split.<double meaning there.   It was more out of "intentionally " causing pain on me then it ever was him just needing space.  It took me awhile to figure this out. I think they are so detached from themselves and what they really feel and need, it just becomes like a sick patternistic game to them to inflict as much pain on you as possible. All for the reaction and the sense of control they so desperately need.  We are over their heads and I think they know it and they resent us with a vengence because of it.

                                It has really been a struggle for me to recover from this as well. Its taken so much energy out of me. Mine blocked me, and gave me the silent treatment for two months and I felt hooked, not able to get my attention off it because the last time he did eventually come back around, and as long as I was reacting to him he felt no need to contact me.  He was getting what he wanted, so I stopped for about 2 weeks and a half, went quiet , still no contact from him. The pain for me got so bad I felt that something had to break. Its just been cruel beyond words. So cruel. So awful.  To just cut me out of his life considering how close we had been,  just like that!      I told him in an email I thought he had BPD.   I couldnt take it anymore. I couldnt take pretending to him anymore, all ways dancing around him and his uncaring selfishness. I believe his illness has gotten so bad its moved in into a kind of emotional sadism. I had to come to terms with this and face it head on with in myself. He has a mental illness, face it sort of thing. You are not dealing with an adult. You are dealing with a sick child in an adult body. If he really loved me, he would never be this cruel and uncaring. People who truely love you, dont do this sort of thing. You dont want the person you love to be hurting and suffering in any way! Well, I finally had to come to the acceptance that he does want me hurting and suffering in this way, or he wouldnt be doing it. 

     He was my best friend too. I trusted this on a certain level and this is why the pain of this has been so shocking and intense for me.  We spoke everyday for a year, never missed a day.  When Im hurting emotionally it all goes into my body, so now Im like a walking cripple. My left side hurts and I limp a bit when I get tired.

               This is nothing new to me.  I discovered that my past two relationships that didnt work out , happened that way for the same reason and I didnt know it.  Im attracted to BPD's. I didnt have a clue so my mind has opened up to this a lot! This experience woke me up.  It was like all of a sudden I started making all these connections with these two other boyfriends. both behaving in the same sort of way. 

                        I finally decided that enough was enough. I wrote him one last email and told him myself it was over and why and that I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again for rest of my life, and you know I meant it. I all ways before skirting around ever saying this to him because there was all ways a part of me hoping, that he would come around again and I still loved him bla bla bla. I really think half the reason he has been able to get away with this treatment on me is for that very reason. He has never had any cruel threats from me , ever, because Im a true person. He thought he has me hooked, thats why.

                   I finally just got so teird of his darkness, his self masocism that he has been playing on my head. I told him that.  I was out with it. His little boy fasination with macob pictures, all ways so dark. Him putting down my belief in God, any thing positive and in the light he tried to kill in me, after he killed it with in himself. I had to be honest with myself, this isnt who I am.  Ya and Ive been pretty lonely too  I have conversations with my cats now. I went on and on getting stuff out of my system with one sweet little purry for an hour the other day. She didnt understand a word I said ,but she did my tone and I swear that cat has more love in its little paw then this jack ase ever did.   Everything all ways about him. Well its about me now. 

   What I do now, is that anytime the pain starts to mount up again,  I reherse in my mind what he really is over and over again until it sinks in further. ,and I think of all the positive things in my life and in my self that can freely flurish now with out this darkness.  His illness is evil, he isnt, but his illness "is". I want no part of it.   
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« Reply #47 on: August 26, 2014, 01:38:19 AM »

Glad to hear anyone besides me re-connecting with the cat post-breakup!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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