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Author Topic: YouTube Video -- DV Against Men  (Read 2833 times)
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1777

« on: August 28, 2009, 11:02:39 AM »

Today, I ran across this video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4Ko23cI6oQ&feature=related

There are two very interesting things about this video, how bone chilling it is to me as it is fairly identical to one of many incidents of DV in my relationship with my ex wife. But it is also interesting to watch the comments as people try to describe what the man in this video should've done, or would have been justified in doing.

This video is almost like someone put a video camera in my home one day in July of 2007. Here are the differences:

1) She wasn't drunk or intoxicated. Her displeasure was that she was not able to sleep until noon though, because she was hung over.

2) The crying baby in my case was a 3 year old toddler, and just like the man in this video I was trying to hold my daughter in one arm while fending off physical attacks with the other

3) There was no knife or weapon in my case

4) Just like in this video, there was a scuffle at the door by her trying to physically prevent me from leaving with our D, and in that scuffle sshe bit my hard and latched on with her teeth to my left tricep area. When she did that, my natural reaction was to jerk my arm away from her to break the bite, then I used enough force with that arm to push her back away from me.

Everything else is pretty much verbatim, except her punches and kicks to me happened in the house and not outside where anyone might have seen it.

I went directly to the PD to report the incident. They went to the house to arrest my then wife. She said I threw her on the floor so she got up and bit me. She was arrested for simple assault on me. I had a bite mark on my arm to substantiate that I was bitten, and she admitted to csuch in her statement, but in her statement said her bite was self defense after having been thrown to the ground.  As a victim of DV, it is by law the process that the police explain I have a right ot request a restraining order, and I said I did want to request one.

Meanwhile, as they are writing up the report and teh paperwork on the TRO, another officer is in getting my wife's version, and of course they intend to arrest me for simple assualt for pushing her. They ask her if she wants a restraining order, and she says no. But then they tell her I have asked for one, so now she is asking too.

This is explained to me, and the police explain the process is that a hearing will be held with teh municipal judge on teh phone, and I will be sworn in and heard. About an hour later I was presented with the TRO against me and told the police will escort me to the home to get personal items and then I must leave. There was no hearing, and I certainly wasn't heard. At the time, I did not know the law, but this was absolutely mishandled by the police and the municipal court judge under NJSA 2C:25-17 et seq. Thsi statue is New Jersey's Prevention of Domestic Violence Act, and this statute defines how law enforcment and municipal judges are supposed to handle this type of situation, and they way it was handled was directly contrary to how the state law says it should have been handled -- I should have been heard. 

The next day I went to family court and I also won a TRO against her. What I did not do, which I now know I should've but didn't know at the time, was within 24 hrs of being served the TRO, I should have appealed it in family court while I was there getting the TRO. And the appeal would have been decided in my favor since the municipal court judge didn't hold a proper hearing before deciding.

Ultimately, we both dropped the TRO's on thsi incident, and in court on the criminal charges of simple assault we both accepted reduced charges which is a municipal ordinance violation for "failure to exercise good judgment".

These types of incidents occured for about another year, and finally a very extreme incident occured and I decided to handle it a little differently. Instead of calling the police for a repeat of what happened the last time, I left the house and went to family court the next day where I won a TRO and she was served and removed from the house. Then it went to trial for a final hearing, which I won. In my experience, this was successful because I went directly to family court and circumvented the police and the municipal court judge. Municipal court judge hears and decides these matters after hours. In family court, I saw nothing but propoer handling of this in complete accordance with the law, and I saw judges that clearly have a lot of training and experience in DV. The matter was handled in a completely unbiased manner regarding gender.

My mistake was not knowing how to handle it better that first time.

Everyone on these boards know how psychologically difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship. We all know how the abused tend to buy the promises of the abuser that it won't happen again, etc. Adn we all cling to the hope that he/she will change. This is what keeps us stuck emotionally. On top that emotional dimension, men also have the very real fear that the man will be treated as the abuser. Arrested, cuffs, court ordered away from the abuser, kids awarded to the abuser, etc. That is the reality in most areas, because the social attitude toward DV is that it is an offense commited by males and the female is the victim.

Here is some food for thought regarding social bias of DV... months after I won the final RO, and that RO was filed at the local police department, there was an incident. My wife decided she wanted to invoke her right under the RO to come to the house under police escort to get personal items, but what she was really doing was trying to get into the house and create commotion while my parents were visiting. So when the police called, I told them no. The police dispatcher said they were on the way, and I told him I would not open the door.

About 2 minutes later, I have 4 police cars, lights on, and an unmarked car with the chief of police in front of my house. If we had a SWAT team, I am sure they would've responded too.

As I am talking to the police officers explaining that she is just doing this to be a nuissance, I see my wifes car coming down the street, and the female police officer radio's to dispatch -- "the victim has arrived on scene."

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Gender: Female
Posts: 843

« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2009, 05:20:04 PM »

Watching that video brought me to tears.  That is almost identical to scenes my partner describes as happening to him with his BPD ex, and to scenes that still happen, albeit occasionally. The worst scene differed in that she called 911 because she was afraid she would kill him or herself.  No weapon, but at the end she was smashing a chair in her own face.

This stuff happens with every roommate she has had since my partner's and her separation over three years ago.  Most recently, she was at a hotel room with her BF in a large city about 3 hours from her (and 3 hours from the sheriffs who know her name and MO by now).  Her BF is older than her, sort of a sugar daddy.  He has his problems, but also loves her kids and does lots of sweet things for them, and loves BPD.  He has brought her to therapists who diagnosed her as BPD.  He pays for everything, gives her lots of cash that she does not report to the court (maybe 20-30k a year).  He also calls us when she is out of control to come get the kids. 

She attacked her BF, clawing his face severely.  She screamed and yelled, and the hotel called the police.  Things had calmed down by the time they showed up.  The police separated the two of them, and asked what heppened.  Worried that the kids would be taken away from her, he lied and said he got scratched on brambles.  She also lied, and said he tried to rape her.  She told my partner that she lied so she could get her stuff and leave, that she did not mean him to be arrested.  But he was, and the hotel pressed charges.  She refused to recant. 

The police are not following through at this time, so he is not currently being prosecuted.  But she can press charges if he makes one wrong move. 

One of the things I have noticed with our local sheriff is that contrary to policy, if the abuser is a woman, the police almost always seem to advise the guy that if he presses charges, CPS will be called and is he sure he wants to do that?  This is a violation of policy.  I have talked to the sheriff about this stuff, and they assure me that this does not happen.  But every abused man I know has told me a story like this. 

In my partner's case, there were incidents in which his ex actually admitted at the time that she was the abuser, not him, and the sheriff response was still to ignore the behavior and the risk to my partner and to the kids of her abuse having no consequences. 

Good for you men who are able to leave that abusive relationship, with so little support compared to women leaving similar relationships.  My brother actually tried to talk my partner into staying with his ex, the justification being who would protect the kids and his ex if he was gone? 

It is very sad that me lack support in these painful situations.  There are scores of support groups for abused women, rightfully so---but in our rural area, not a one for abused men. 

Add this to the fact that if a man leaves, he is likely not only to have little custody of his kids but have to financially support his ex, and it sure is a hard row to hoe for men.  No wonder it is hard to set boundaries as a step-parent and partner...I am learning, but it is easy to see how hard it is to be a good daddy and good ex when society does not see how it is for men in these circumstances. 


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Gender: Female
Posts: 1094

« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2009, 05:36:26 PM »

yeah...cried on this one. This is my friend, literally getting the crap beat out of him while holding the baby. OR she is holding the baby, beating with the other hand or fist. He's petrified of not being able to see the baby if he leaves. His M told me this week, he is merely existing in the marriage for the baby, it's obvious he's so unhappy. But let me tell you she's something to be fearful of...she's the type that would stop at nothing...Scary I'm thinking of getting him SWOE to see if he will read it...

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Gender: Female
Posts: 4821

« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2009, 12:55:59 PM »


you know...if I ever saw a woman doing that to her man while he was trying to protect the baby...it would be a very bad bad day for her. Maybe not the correct course of action...but she'd be thinking twice the next time...and remembering for a long long time.

Arrested, cuffs, court ordered away from the abuser, kids awarded to the abuser, etc. That is the reality in most areas, because the social attitude toward DV is that it is an offense commited by males and the female is the victim.

Change takes time...it's men like yourself that are brave enough to stand up and speak out that make the difference for the future.

I am so sorry...this really bothered me...were I that man, she would have gone flying into the wall of the house for attacking me with the baby. As a woman...I KNOW I would have kicked him with everything I've got..and it's not so small.

What an utterly crap situation ,double bind for men.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 15398

« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2009, 01:14:11 PM »

were I that man, she would have gone flying into the wall of the house for attacking me with the baby.

This is what everyone needs to understand about these situations:  If the man responds in any way - or even if he doesn't but she says he did - he may be arrested and charged (as I was) with domestic violence.  The officers who came to investigate my wife's accusation ("He pushed me down the stairs") found clear evidence that she was lying, and put it into their report.  They did a great job with that!

But their procedure requires them to make an arrest of anyone accused of domestic violence.  They arrested us both, since they found evidence that she attacked me (which in fact she had, though I had not thought to call the police about it).

We have heard many, many stories like this from members here - so many that it's clear that any man who is in such a situation is in danger of being arrested and charged with domestic violence.  And in some states - including mine - that charge can be seen by anyone on the internet and can never be removed, expunged, purged, or sealed - ever.  So any potential employer can easily find that I was charged with "Domestic Violence - Assault".  Even if my ex some day decides to tell the truth, it won't matter - the charges against me are a matter of public record, period.

So...any thought that "He should have done this or that..." could be right - maybe there is a "best" way to handle it - but a guy in this situation is at big risk in today's legal and social climate.  That's why, as we greet new members who might be at risk of DV, or at risk of false accusations, we try to make sure they realize how serious the situation can be.  (But also recognize that the best way to deal with such a situation is to avoid it before it starts, by ending the relationship or somehow avoiding conflict altogether.)



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Gender: Female
Posts: 2274

« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2009, 05:33:15 PM »

I know from working for many years in the domestic violence area as a crisis counselor, that women are in fact equally capable of behaving this way as is any man.  It's not quite as one sided as far as believing it as it used to be, mainly due to the wonderful drug, Methamphetimine.

On the other hand, I, in the man's shoes, lived out that very scene in my own home so many times you wouldn't believe it.  Guns, knives, beating on the car window chasing me down the driveway, etc.  Very disturbing for whoever is on the receiving end, male female or otherwise.

And I'll add, my daughter is currently on probation for domestic violence, in Montana.  She punched her boyfriend out.  He called the cops.  They took her to jail.  She got off with three days of 365 served, a pretty hefty fine and one year on probation with counseling for anger management.  She's only 18 and he has a record of domestic violence.

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