Survivor's Bible: This I promise - Unknown author

[Aussie John]

I Have this in a frame in my office and read it every time I am contacted and wonder if I should respond. I grabbed it off the Internet. I hope it helps others as much as it helped me.

THIS I PROMISE.

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers), but you will drive yourself crazy if you try.

Accept that you will never understand why or how he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser (not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate), but you can control how (or whether) you react or respond toward him.

Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him, use your brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.

Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for companionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.

Remember that if you try to get anything at all from him, you are giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it. Don't give him that power in the first place! Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what they are negotiating to give in the first place?

Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave that it is to risk long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.

In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that although the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.

Always know this. They need us more than we need them! We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.

Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason, or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.

Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!

Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If men want to establish an intimate and/or long-term relationship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.

Learn to love and respect yourself. Give yourself all of the kindness and love he never did.

Soon you will see him for what he truly is, and you will see yourself as well.

This I promise.



Mod Note: We have not been able to identify the original author.  The oldest link we could find with this copy is: suite101.com/discussion.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse/

[Im.okay.now]

Beautiful !

[LAPDR]

John,

That is an excellent creed of affirmation to follow and wish I had a copy of it many years ago to help me. Is there an author to give credit to for it?

LA

[texas.moxie]

AMEN, Brother!

[Aussie John]

John,

That is an excellent creed of affirmation to follow and wish I had a copy of it many years ago to help me. Is there an author to give credit to for it?

LA

It was Anon.

I saved the webpage. It was from Npartners MSN. I had googled No Contact and expored the site until I cam accross this.

It was my turning point. As if someone had slapped me REAL HARD.

Whoever wrote it I thank them.

[Smiffer]

Wise words thanks for sharing mate

[Interestedparty]

Thanks Aussie John for sharing this with us!

It is so true... .and invaluable.

IP

[ICanDoIt]

If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.

No matter what he tells you, he does not have them to give! He doesn't know what they mean!

[Aussie John]

First of all thanks for your replys.

You may need to change the He's for the She's. I did when I retyped it.

I wonder why on most sites it always a He that is the abuser. Are but that is for another topic.

[Maggiore]

This is excellent!

thanks!

Straight to my power list

[Unicorn]

AJ,

Yep - I like this.  It's excellent. I've printed it out for me to read - over and over!

I've been really down the last few days.  And then I was sitting in the car, thinking about everything that happened with my uBPH... .and I thought.  He's just one person.  I've given him so much power that his words can effect me so negatively.   Ive waited and waited for him to 'see the light' but  it's not ever going to happen.  Yet, I sweat over his every opinion.  It's just crazy.   So, I particularly like the part where it refers to ... ." if you try to get anything at all form him, you're giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it".   My H invariably withholds.  He's done this so many times.  I will reveal my inner feelings, lay my fears out there, and then... .nothing... .no response.  There's no validation and no reciprocation.

This I promise, is going to be really good for me.

thanx

[gertrude]

Thank you AJ - those words just helped me more than you can ever know.  Most of the time I think we get it - but ithat understanding is fragile and hard to hold on to - that post was very, very reinforcing.  You are an angel.  Carol

[Joey]

I, too, now have a copy printed. So I can read it over and over to myself. Whoever wrote this, for sure knew what we are going through. It's going to be a great help to me. Thank you so much Aussie John for sharing this with us. xoxo

[kate30]

Don't have much to add that hasn't already been thoughtfully said here. EXCELLENT POST! Thank you Aussie John and gertrude for it. I've spent a lot of time reading, re-reading it and mulling it over. And like DragoN, it makes me sad. Reality bites sometimes. Admitting that I have needs and desires and for once believing that those needs and desires are real, valid and healthy. However, I have been trying so hard to get these things (honesty, respect, kindness, support, love... .) from someone who may not be capable of giving them to me. The problem is there was a time where I had all that from him. I do not believe it was just the mirroring of my love for him or being painted white. Or maybe that it's that I'm not ready to believe that. I'm still hanging onto the hope that what we had and the glimpses of what I still see are real. But a post like this makes me think contrary to that, and it does make me sad.

I'm printing this one off and sticking it in my journal to come back to when I'm ready to face that... .

[foiles]

That is a great idea Kate.  It seems like so many times, when I would re-read something later - suddenly it made sense.  What I had learned between the first read and the last had done the trick.  Every time I read a book, I get something new from it. 

[kate30]

Folies- There are things on these boards that I know are good advice and that I should listen to, but I sit here with my fingers in my ears, squeeze my eyes shut and scream I'm not listening! However, I'm smart enough to know that when my heart catches up to my heart then I'll be open to the advice offered here. So I grudgingly save posts or articles or whatever else I come across because I know that down the road I'll be ready to read it again and accept it. It's all just part of the journey.

[foiles]

Oh Kate, been there, done that!  I completely understand where you are coming from. 

You are absolutely right.  It is a journey with steps forward and back.  I remember telling my friend that I wished that I was at least at a 'baseline'.  When I got there, boy what a change.  Anything seemed possible!  But I'm kind of a spaz and my reading basically took over my life.  Twice I didn't shower or brush my teeth for 3 straight days (I'm a teacher so I had the summer) I was so caught up in the reading and writing and digging for answers. 

You'll get there. 

Take care.

Foiles

[innerspirit]

What a gift to us -- thank you.  Will print this one out here as well.

xoxox

I.S.

[oneflewover]

Heck, how did I miss this post the first go around?  

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers, but you will drive yourself crazy if you try).

Accept that you will never understand whyor how s/he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go.  You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Yup... .I think I need to print the above here and tape it to my monitor!  Thanks for this!  This I promise!

[bkay]

What a great post, thank you.  I printed it and am keeping it posted above my computer.

[curlywurly]

Thank you  John I have printed it out and added it to my liberation log next to my re programme my brain  instructions.

Re-engagement > This man is a demontor who will suck the life force out of me and will continue to do so until I am an empty husk. Synaptic link firmly established and I am detached and running for the hills. Cue rainbows.

bestest

CW

[alig2]

Fantastic!  Thank you!   

[HeartBroke]

 This is wonderful.  I can relate to how she can say these things... .because it is how I feel.  I have tried and tried to get a show of remorse from my ex for years, I just don't think he is able to feel any true emotions about anything... I want to thank all of you guys, I am finally beginning to understand so of the horrible things I have dealt with for years.  HAPPY EARLY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL.