Don't know where to start

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I 've been reading the boards on this website and some others for a few weeks now.   I purchased the book, UTBM a few years back because I was in a lot of pain and had heard of BPD and thought that my now deceased mother might have had it.   She died when I was 42 years old, that was 21 years ago.    She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but IMO also fit borderline diagnosis.   My life up until her death could best be described as a big black hole.    I was the youngest of six, the "baby", her favorite, or better stated, her favorite toy.    My father was alcoholic, seldom around, we were poor, so she tried to abort me.   She unsuccessfully tried to abort the last three kids because we were so poor.

After my birth, she stopped  sleeping with my father and began sleeping with me.   She became obsessed with me.    As a young child, I had constant stomachs and allergies, always at the doctor.    When I entered puberty and began to notice boys, the hit_ hit the fan.   Momster (I like that name for her) became insanely jealous.   She forbade me to date.    So I lied and my friends helped me out by covering for me.    I knew there was something different about my mother but she was charming and was from a different culture so I and my friends thought that she was the way she was because she was raised in a different culture.    And because my friends' moms were not overprotective, she would comment that their mother's did not love them.    And I believed her.    My older 4 sisters and 1 brother colluded with my mother when it came to me.    I was her favorite and they were resentful and also, they learned that as long as she was paying attention to me, she was off their backs.    I met a nice guy in college who I was to marry.    My mother beat me until I bled on the day I announced that I was marrying him.    I moved out that day.   I went to live with my two married sisters (they live in a duplex).   They supported her but tried to pretend to help me.   The sisters told me that if I broke up with my bf that they would take me to Florida for a vacation and give me money for a down payment for a car.   My mother put them up to it and because I looked up to them and so much wanted their approval and love, I went and broke up with the bf.     It got more insane of course when I tried to move away to another state to live with a friend.   My mother stalked me and tried to kill me.   One of my sisters phoned to say that if I didn't return home with momster that SHE would buy a gun and kill me.    The guilt got so bad that I did eventually move back home WITH mother.  By this time, all of the siblings were married and out of the house with their own kids.    And they were all mad at me, calling me a slut because I wanted to live on my own.   

I just couldn't break away.   I did eventually marry.   It didn't last though, my mother would not allow him in her house, so I went on Sundays by myself.   My foo came before everything else.   After the divorce, I got my own apt., went from one disastrous relationship to another, was promiscuous, deeply depressed.   

After momster died, my life began to improve but only because I got into a 12 step recovery program and therapy.   And 13 years ago,  I married a wonderful man.   I just retired from a successful career which I loved.    Then a few months ago, my oldest sister died.   She was deeply depressed and most likely had some type of PD.   She was my mother's biggest supporter.     She called me a whore for wanted to date.    Now that she is gone, a lot of the pain from the past has surfaced.   I am having a lot of PTSD symptoms, a lot of anxiety and depression.   I loved her when I was a very young child but as I grew older, we grew very far apart.    I have been enmeshed with the third sibling all of my life.    She is alcoholic and also probably PD.   I can not talk with anyone else in the family without her (unspoken) permission.    No one can really.   We have to communicate through her pretty much.   When we do converse, she has to know everything that was discussed.    A couple of years ago, I gave some furniture to another family member without telling her.    She had a huge fit, phoned me in a rage about my giving stuff to X  instead of giving it to her.   She said, I am the one who does everything for you, not her!    (She does nothing for me).      The fourth sister is six years older than me.   She is definitely uBPD and alcoholic.   She resents me for probably good reason. 

I always felt guilty for being the favorite, really only recently since reading this website have I begun to realize that being the favorite takes its toll and that I am as much, probably more a victim than they were.   She was ignored my momster and I got all the attention so she is very jealous.   My mother told this sister,  S4, that if her husband had met me before he met her, that he would have married me instead.   So momster set the stage for the resentment.   I am afraid of S4.    I don't trust her, she is a raging alcoholic, abusive to anyone who gets near her.     The middle sister who I am enmeshed with is also enmeshed with this sister.  All of the siblings are enmeshed with this sister.      I have LC with S4 and  up until recently, S3 would complain to me a lot about S4.    I began to change the subject because I don't want to get into the triangulation.   

I feel really sad because I have had such a hard time leaving home emotionally.

My therapist says it is because I have been in denial about the craziness, the enmeshment, and its effect on my life.    In some ways I feel more married to my foo than to my husband.

The biggest casualty of my childhood though, is that I never had kids.   I always wanted to be a mother.   I do have lots of nieces and nephews but am not really close to any of them.    In order to have any type of conversation with any of them, S3 has to be in the middle of it.   We find out what is going on with  each other through our conversations and emails, with S3.      It is amazing, she has never outright said, you can't talk directly to each other without my being in the middle of it or without my being present but we all know that that is the rule.   Can anyone else out there relate to this?

I have already achieved some clarity by writing this post.    It seems like I have written too much... .also feel embarassed to be much older than most folks on the site and so stuck in the past.    I so much admire the courage of you younger folks, I am inspired by you!   Thanks for reading my post.

[newfreedom]

I 've been reading the boards on this website and some others for a few weeks now.   I purchased the book, UTBM a few years back because I was in a lot of pain and had heard of BPD and thought that my now deceased mother might have had it.   She died when I was 42 years old, that was 21 years ago.    She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but IMO also fit borderline diagnosis.   My life up until her death could best be described as a big black hole.    I was the youngest of six, the "baby", her favorite, or better stated, her favorite toy.    My father was alcoholic, seldom around, we were poor, so she tried to abort me.   She unsuccessfully tried to abort the last three kids because we were so poor.

After my birth, she stopped  sleeping with my father and began sleeping with me.   She became obsessed with me.    As a young child, I had constant stomachs and allergies, always at the doctor.    When I entered puberty and began to notice boys, the hit_ hit the fan.   Momster (I like that name for her) became insanely jealous.   She forbade me to date.    So I lied and my friends helped me out by covering for me.    I knew there was something different about my mother but she was charming and was from a different culture so I and my friends thought that she was the way she was because she was raised in a different culture.    And because my friends' moms were not overprotective, she would comment that their mother's did not love them.    And I believed her.    My older 4 sisters and 1 brother colluded with my mother when it came to me.    I was her favorite and they were resentful and also, they learned that as long as she was paying attention to me, she was off their backs.    I met a nice guy in college who I was to marry.    My mother beat me until I bled on the day I announced that I was marrying him.    I moved out that day.   I went to live with my two married sisters (they live in a duplex).   They supported her but tried to pretend to help me.   The sisters told me that if I broke up with my bf that they would take me to Florida for a vacation and give me money for a down payment for a car.   My mother put them up to it and because I looked up to them and so much wanted their approval and love, I went and broke up with the bf.     It got more insane of course when I tried to move away to another state to live with a friend.   My mother stalked me and tried to kill me.   One of my sisters phoned to say that if I didn't return home with momster that SHE would buy a gun and kill me.    The guilt got so bad that I did eventually move back home WITH mother.  By this time, all of the siblings were married and out of the house with their own kids.    And they were all mad at me, calling me a slut because I wanted to live on my own.   

I just couldn't break away.   I did eventually marry.   It didn't last though, my mother would not allow him in her house, so I went on Sundays by myself.   My foo came before everything else.   After the divorce, I got my own apt., went from one disastrous relationship to another, was promiscuous, deeply depressed.   

After momster died, my life began to improve but only because I got into a 12 step recovery program and therapy.   And 13 years ago,  I married a wonderful man.   I just retired from a successful career which I loved.    Then a few months ago, my oldest sister died.   She was deeply depressed and most likely had some type of PD.   She was my mother's biggest supporter.     She called me a whore for wanted to date.    Now that she is gone, a lot of the pain from the past has surfaced.   I am having a lot of PTSD symptoms, a lot of anxiety and depression.   I loved her when I was a very young child but as I grew older, we grew very far apart.    I have been enmeshed with the third sibling all of my life.    She is alcoholic and also probably PD.   I can not talk with anyone else in the family without her (unspoken) permission.    No one can really.   We have to communicate through her pretty much.   When we do converse, she has to know everything that was discussed.    A couple of years ago, I gave some furniture to another family member without telling her.    She had a huge fit, phoned me in a rage about my giving stuff to X  instead of giving it to her.   She said, I am the one who does everything for you, not her!    (She does nothing for me).      The fourth sister is six years older than me.   She is definitely uBPD and alcoholic.   She resents me for probably good reason. 

I always felt guilty for being the favorite, really only recently since reading this website have I begun to realize that being the favorite takes its toll and that I am as much, probably more a victim than they were.   She was ignored my momster and I got all the attention so she is very jealous.   My mother told this sister,  S4, that if her husband had met me before he met her, that he would have married me instead.   So momster set the stage for the resentment.   I am afraid of S4.    I don't trust her, she is a raging alcoholic, abusive to anyone who gets near her.     The middle sister who I am enmeshed with is also enmeshed with this sister.  All of the siblings are enmeshed with this sister.      I have LC with S4 and  up until recently, S3 would complain to me a lot about S4.    I began to change the subject because I don't want to get into the triangulation.   

I feel really sad because I have had such a hard time leaving home emotionally.

My therapist says it is because I have been in denial about the craziness, the enmeshment, and its effect on my life.    In some ways I feel more married to my foo than to my husband.

The biggest casualty of my childhood though, is that I never had kids.   I always wanted to be a mother.   I do have lots of nieces and nephews but am not really close to any of them.    In order to have any type of conversation with any of them, S3 has to be in the middle of it.   We find out what is going on with  each other through our conversations and emails, with S3.      It is amazing, she has never outright said, you can't talk directly to each other without my being in the middle of it or without my being present but we all know that that is the rule.   Can anyone else out there relate to this?

I have already achieved some clarity by writing this post.    It seems like I have written too much... .also feel embarassed to be much older than most folks on the site and so stuck in the past.    I so much admire the courage of you younger folks, I am inspired by you!   Thanks for reading my post.

[drmom]

Welcome, Newfreedom to our family. You will find everyone here extremely supportive. You asked, "Can anyone relate?" Well, that would be a resounding "yes". My situation is with a former best friend who is uBPD. When we would do things together, she would not allow me to speak to anyone else. She asked me to stop talking to all of my other friends, and she often tried to get in between me and my kids. If my best friend and I were at a movie, and my teenager would call, she told me I wasn't allowed to answer my cell phone. She also told me I wasn't supposed to confide in my secretary... .and yes, I listened and did it! What a fool I was!

This must be extremely difficult because these are members of your family. So sorry to hear that is happening, but it is typical BPD. I can remember that my best friend's family never really wanted to get involved in deep conversations with her. They kept everything on the surface. It is only now that I realize why they did that. Remember, their personalities are dis-ordered... .a messy piece of chaos... .and because they are comfortable with chaos, they will create more. In fact, when things are going smoothly, they can't handle it, because the lack of order is more comfortable and is their "normal." Stick with therapy. You sound like you are grieving a bit, too. Time will heal your wounds. Praying for you... .Drmom.

[methinkso]

Hi Newfreedom, and  . I'm very glad you found us. I hope you will join us on "Coping with parents, relatives, or inlaws with BPD" message board (click boards above).

Thank you for sharing all this I read it with great interest/compassion. I am your age (well, by a few years, ) and I can relate to your whole post probably more than you can know. Ditto ditto ditto I nod as I read.

Also childless and overenmeshed for too many years; not even therapy focused on that issue enough. I do think your psyche is right about denial. As you still refer to yourself as the favored (and I know what you mean) but you were abused too and it's good that you are able to really recognize and face that.

There are so many great members here, not to mention all the resources available outside of the message boards (articles).

How are you doing now? Can you tell us more about your fears of some of your siblings?



Mts

[LionDreamer]

Hi newfreedom (love your name), and 

So glad you found us here.   I'm in my mid 50s so I'm certainly in your generation.  Your story touched me. Sorry to hear not only how hard and abusive your FOO life was but also for your losses.   When the memories and issues rise to the surface, it can feel like a tidal wave of emotion, at least it has been that way for me.   

This is a great place to learn, vent, share, grieve, and meet wonderful people who "get" it.

Looking forward to "seeing" you on the coping with parents board,

LD

[ifsogirl26]

  You have been through so much and deserve to heal. We are here for you x

[newfreedom]

Welcome, Newfreedom to our family. You will find everyone here extremely supportive. You asked, "Can anyone relate?" Well, that would be a resounding "yes". My situation is with a former best friend who is uBPD.

Stick with therapy. You sound like you are grieving a bit, too. Time will heal your wounds. Praying for you... .Drmom.

DrMom,  thank you so much for your response.   I sobbed when I read it.  I guess the validation is just too overwhelming ... .thanks for your prayers.    I'm inspired that the BF in now former.

[newfreedom]

Dear friends who have responded to  my post:

I unsuccessfully tried to figure out how to quote part of your post and respond to it. 

So this msg. is for all of you:

I want to thank, thank, thank, each of you for your words.   I sobbed when I read each of your responses.   I guess the validation is just too much.   The release of grief and tears has been so healing.     x    newfreedom

[LivingWell]

Newfedome,

You are ready to begin posing on the

Coping and Healing in a Family with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

We look forward to seeing you there.

LivingWell