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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: When NC becomes plain old IDC?  (Read 1052 times)
turtlesoup
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« on: February 18, 2010, 07:25:18 AM »

Am i the only one up atm?

Anyway,

I was wondering, there's lots of talk here about days on NC and I've been NC here for XXX etc etc. Is this like some kind of alcohol addiction? Is it different from just missing any other girlfriend?

I am interested to know if anyone here has actually stopped thinking of it as NC and being strong and stopped counting the days and just sees it as *shrug*. Is it the case then you feel that way you're just not here on the board anymore?

Does anyone remember being up to day 144 for example, and then just forgetting to continue to count? Maybe like falling asleep :D, 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 144 sheep, zzzzzzzzzz

I really like the idea of the "zzzzzzzzzz"
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unknown
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2010, 05:32:13 PM »

not gonna lie im actually starting to reach that point. i will never self re-engagement, because i dont want to speak to her because she sickens me but if i were to ever see her in person, i would just be like hey whats up howve you been? or whatever. im not ever becoming friends with her again though, and especially not dating her again. the stuff she said to me was unforgivable.
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2010, 07:38:49 AM »

If it's any consolation, most addiction programs talk about a 90 day detox. I've found that if you can make it past 80 without falling off the wagon- it does get easier to the point that life does change. I dont know if it's seasonal as well, as 90 days is about a quarter year, but the weather changes, the air smells differently, the sun begins to set a little further north and food begins to taste again.  The gloom lifts and you'll begin to think differently. The brain needs time to heal- and that can only be done AWAY from this person. I know it's sad- but you'll get over that too. I promise.
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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2010, 12:19:27 PM »

I don't see it as NC anymore... I see it more as two people going two very separate, very distant, hopefully never-cross-paths-again ways. A nice-to have-gotten-to know you,  in some ways you where awesome, in others you kinda sucked, we had some really good times and I miss them, but, its best we move along now.

The truth is I got tired of thinking of BPD. Maintaining NC became a 'thread' keeping her phantom tied to me as I was always conscious of not having anything to do with BPD...

For me, counting was a way of getting through the day and hurt. It was also a way to feel proud about myself for staying NC, and standing strong against lots of (well-intentioned, but misplaced) efforts by 3rd parties to get me back in contact.  after 3 months, I felt I was wasting emotional space and time, and quit counting.  It’s been over a year now that I've been NC (excluding 2 re-engages by BPD, and the occasional run-in) and I never want to go back again.

Now I still wish they didn't have BPD, and that things could've been different, and  I’ve fanaticised many times about breaking NC and having an awesome relationship with the then-BPD-cured.  But I've come to the conclusion that what can be is never going to be what I wish it to be.  It's a sorry state of facts, but that can't be helped, so meh, no use in wasting emotional time and energy thinking about it.

I've run into them, run into their family, their friends, had/have friends go 'oh, you STILL haven't made up? that's awful!"... I just say hi, talk to them as much as etiquette requires (i.e like a colleague), and get on with what I was doing.   First time that happened BPD was NOT happy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) and later sent me a very angry text (read: was expecting special treatment)... .

anyways, so to try to draw out the periods of not-thinking-about-BPD, I play a game: How long before I find myself back on this board thinking about BPD. I try to avoid it, as I really just want to move on, and pretend BPD never happened      its been umm 1 month since I was last here... apart from the occasional "why'd they have to have BPD *shakes fist angrily*"  I didn't think about BPD or count how long its been. 

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notadoormat
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« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2010, 06:54:27 AM »

turtlesoup,

I counted the days of NC up to 100, and, soon after that, I did lose track. I don't know what day I am on at this point, and it would take some counting on fingers to try to figure it out... .I'm thinking more in terms of months, now. 'It's been about 5 months.' That's how I think of it.

For me, it was very much like the experience of quitting a drug (and having quit abusing 2 different substances in my life--marijuana and then klonopin--I speak from that perspective). I can very clearly remember thinking, when I quit weed, 'It's been 12 days since I last smoked weed.' 'It's been 48 days,' and so on. One day, I just stopped counting how many days it had been, and it became integrated into my lifestyle that I was 'no longer someone who used marijuana.' I try to stay away from it... .but if I'm walking down the street and a whift of it comes out of a passing car, yes, I am instantly filled with craving and desire. I suspect the same thing might happen if I were to hear the exBPD's voice, actually. But, the craving with weed passes relatively quickly--almost as soon as the moment of temptation--and I hope it will be like this should I ever hear the exBPDs voice, someday.

I do see my r/s with her as having been extremely addictive... .not at all like r/ss with other nons. Dis-engaging from her is very, very much like dis-engaging from an addictive/dependency forming substance.

I am coming more and more these days to see myself as/and integrating the belief into my life of: I am no longer emotionally engaged with (insert name of exBPD).

(What does IDC stand for? 'I Don't Contact?'


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turtlesoup
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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2010, 07:03:14 AM »

turtlesoup,

I counted the days of NC up to 100, and, soon after that, I did lose track. I don't know what day I am on at this point, and it would take some counting on fingers to try to figure it out... .I'm thinking more in terms of months, now. 'It's been about 5 months.' That's how I think of it.

For me, it was very much like the experience of quitting a drug (and having quit abusing 2 different substances in my life--marijuana and then klonopin--I speak from that perspective). I can very clearly remember thinking, when I quit weed, 'It's been 12 days since I last smoked weed.' 'It's been 48 days,' and so on. One day, I just stopped counting how many days it had been, and it became integrated into my lifestyle that I was 'no longer someone who used marijuana.' I try to stay away from it... .but if I'm walking down the street and a whift of it comes out of a passing car, yes, I am instantly filled with craving and desire. I suspect the same thing might happen if I were to hear the exBPD's voice, actually. But, the craving with weed passes relatively quickly--almost as soon as the moment of temptation--and I hope it will be like this should I ever hear the exBPDs voice, someday.

I do see my r/s with her as having been extremely addictive... .not at all like r/ss with other nons. Dis-engaging from her is very, very much like dis-engaging from an addictive/dependency forming substance.

I am coming more and more these days to see myself as/and integrating the belief into my life of: I am no longer emotionally engaged with (insert name of exBPD).

(What does IDC stand for? 'I Don't Contact?'

It stands for I dont care.

And yes, I think you're right, it is like a drug addiction. She told me how upsetting she found it that her ex's treat her like some kind of poison to be avoided or some kind of addiction to break and she couldn't understand why... and at the time neither could I, firstly Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and secondly, I bloody understand now!
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Runningasfastasican
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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2010, 10:48:51 AM »

I wanted to reply because after my BPD wife and I split... .I was counting the days separated... .and even though I knew absolutely I would never go back... .I would make the mistakes of sometimes talking to her or listening to her messages... and those would make me feel terrible... .I do not know now how many days it has been even though I remember the date of separation... .since she was led off by police... .it has been about five months now... .The hard thing for me has been learning to stop caring about what happens to her... .I still do to some extent... .and I think that is what hurts me in my thinking... .I figure that when you are with a BPD... .they subtly at first and then throughout the relationship become such a strong centralised focus to all your attention and effort... .all centered on you trying to "help" them or save them... .then it gets to a point where you are all that is holding them together apparently... .and the longer this goes on... .you change to be able to do this... .so when the break does come if it does... .suddenly you have a situation where the focus and efforts are no longer needed but your thought patterns maybe established by years of behavior still need to catch up to the realities of seperation... I don't know... this is just a guess... .especially because for me I am soo relieved that my relationship with EX is over... .I do worry about her at times... .but find that with time for me it gets less and less... .take care
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