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Author Topic: some thoughts on disengaging please.  (Read 1943 times)
pfunk
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« on: February 26, 2010, 01:17:15 AM »

well folks it looks like its disangagement time for me. what was suppose to be a few weeks apart to cool things down just turned into her wanting to get her own apartment, a job, and start being self sufficient and might even start going to therapy, however according to her we can still remain in a courting relatioship where as we will go on dates, have sleepovers every now and then and starting things over (we're married by the way). im not sure what to make of all this can that be for real or have anyone experienced similar situations? would like some thoughts please.
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Kenneth
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« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2010, 05:41:13 AM »

With dealing with BPD, it's difficult not to have a glass-half-empty mindset (or glass-half-full... .of formaldehyde), and one wonders if your wife is keeping the power here. She distances you by moving out and wanting various degrees of independence, but she keeps you close by providing hope for a reconciliation. At the same time, she is leaving you but keeping you, and it's all on her (strange) terms. A cliche would be useful here: she wants her cake and to eat it, too. Oh, and she might even start therapy!

I don't trust it. I would suggest that you decide whether to continue working on things based on if she does begin therapy and if it appears she is willing to work on the relationship. We see so many stories here about BPD-partners moving on to someone else: they do it gradually and then suddenly.

Whatever the case, she's asserting a large degree of control over the relationship, pushing you away but pulling you in. It's maddening.
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pfunk
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« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2010, 08:26:51 AM »

yeah im not ganna keep my hopes up either, in fact im just ganna start taking steps to disengage myself and save me some heartache just in case, i know she insisted that its not about other guys its simply about her and i can be part of it if i choose to and if thats not fine with me then let her know so she can initiate divorce, but at the same time she wants to get a legal separation.
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GCD145
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« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2010, 09:21:59 AM »

pfunk-

Maybe you should view it as you got lucky here.  She moved out, and saved you from having to do it.

You can always tell her that you can't "date" her, or have sleepovers, because that feels like going backwards.

GCD145
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pfunk
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« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2010, 09:58:44 AM »

its true in a sense, but now the complecated thing is she now has my son, im not even sure how to proceed here without some major backlash involving my son.
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PennMicheleG

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« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2010, 10:01:02 AM »

she insisted that its not about other guys its simply about her .

It sounds to me like she's found someone else during her time away to "find herself".

according to her we can still remain in a courting relatioship where as we will go on dates, have sleepovers every now and then and starting things over (we're married by the way).

She wants to keep you enmeshed in case the other guy doesn't work out.  I can also guarantee she will not view this type of setup in the same way you view it.  It has heartbreak for you written all over it.

what was suppose to be a few weeks apart to cool things down just turned into her wanting to get her own apartment, a job, and start being self sufficient and might even start going to therapy

If you've been supportive of her need for self sufficiency and self growth, she shouldn't feel the need to be "legally separated" to fulfill these needs.  It just doesn't make sense.  Of course we all know how BPD "rationale" never makes sense.

i can be part of it if i choose to and if thats not fine with me then let her know so she can initiate divorce

This allows her to be the "victim" in the break-up.

Seriously dude, run for the hills and do not look back.  I'm not an attorney so I don't the positives of getting a "legal separation" vs. a divorce, but IMO if you're going to disengage, disengage in the most final way possible.
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GCD145
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« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2010, 10:18:37 AM »

its true in a sense, but now the complecated thing is she now has my son, im not even sure how to proceed here without some major backlash involving my son.

Are you still scheduled to be deployed?  That's a major complication, too.

GCD145
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pfunk
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« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2010, 01:50:50 PM »

yes today we met at a legal office to sign separation papers,but that didnt go too well because no lawyers were available to help with paperworks so she started raging and threatning divorce so i said fine,then she said she dont really want a divorce she just wants separationfor awhile to work on herself. by the way if we only separated she still retain every benefits and privileges through the military, and yes now she wants to make it looklike im the one initiating divorce not her.
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2010
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« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2010, 04:09:07 PM »

Excerpt
what was suppose to be a few weeks apart to cool things down just turned into her wanting to get her own apartment, a job, and start being self sufficient and might even start going to therapy, however according to her we can still remain in a courting relatioship where as we will go on dates, have sleepovers every now and then and starting things over (we're married by the way). im not sure what to make of all this can that be for real or have anyone experienced similar situations? would like some thoughts please.

People have to feel that they have a certain about of autonomy in their lives. Your destiny is what you make of it.

What could be wrong with her getting a job, being self-sufficient and going to therapy? Nothing.

Anything less for her and she is a waif; helpless, dependent, scared, anxious... .waiting at home for her Husband who is on deployment- feeling abandoned. Is it possible that you perceive her independence as abandonment? Try to ask yourself why her growth spurts are upsetting to your idea of a healthy marriage. Why do you feel less than if she makes herself *more?*

Many military wives go out and do some form of community service when their husbands are deployed. Many work outside of the Home and many sit and do nothing. Check out craigslist and you'll find dozens of lonely military wives asking to be rescued- many are looking for women friends, but the vulnerability is there for predatory people to take advantage of them. Craigslist is not the way.

See to it that she gets a real chance. Having your benefits allows her to get an entry level job and not worry about health care. That's what a loving Husband allows during a Wife's journey to find herself.  If you allow it, the marriage may repair itself with her renewed self-esteem.
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pfunk
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« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2010, 08:21:49 PM »

you know to be honest with you that thought has crossed my mind, but at the same time if you knew exactly what i've been going through wtih her then you would understand why im so paranoid about all this, i mean lies after lies, her constant attention seeking from other men, her bogus rape insident that she fabricated after she was gone for a whole night, sending naked pictures to other guys, i mean i could keep on going with a lot more stuffs. basiclly right now i am a really insecure man who can't trust his wife for nothing at all. and by the way im in the process of getting transfered to shore duty so i could be there for her and my son if she ever decides to follow up in therapy. so really i have planty of reasons to feel that it's possible that she wants to use me while she's on her own doing what she wants to do. believe me part of me wants to believe that she really wants to do just that, but also understand that part of me has a lot of douhts and trust issues with her.
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lovinghating
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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2010, 08:40:36 PM »

First... .it's ALWAYS all about them!  They are the only people on the planet that exist!  We are just shadows to follow them around.

As for the thinking of getting therapy part and wanting to date you... .if after six months she is still in therapy, then MAYBE consider dating... .but in reality she probably will never even go to the first appointment!  And if she does, she will believe the therapist to be the crazy one!  I've been hearing for over a year now about how he wants to quit his addictions... .well I'm still waiting for that to happen! 

Hang in there and good luck!

Kristy
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2010
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« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2010, 09:19:15 PM »

It is a catch-22 then. You either try to control her (not reasonable BTW and will never work) or you let her get a job and she gets independent.

The latter will be something she *has* to do if there is a divorce. The judge will see to it that you pay alimony to support her job search until she can support herself. He may also discuss your benefits in a child support package. For instance, your medical coverage will have to cover your child, so you now have family benefits.

All of these scenarios are legalities that the lawyers know left and right... .and you do not have a decision of whether or not she can keep your benefits.  Law's the law. Your MWR office may tell you who has the answers. The one decision you need to make is whether or not you want to stay married. If you want to stay married, then take a trial sep. and let her get going on the independence. The cure for paranoia is: Give her the other end of the leash and see what she does with it. Anything else and its all paranoia and speculation.

Actions need action.

If she's already done horrible, inexcusable things, then no amount of alimony is too much to get her out of your life.
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Runningasfastasican
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« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2010, 09:40:34 PM »

Man you have such a tough situation, and it sounds like a no-win situation, so in that case you really have to figure out what you can live with... .If you stay married, it sounds like you are in a relationship that will be devastating to you... .if you divorce you have to worry about issues related to custody and your kid... .I would contemplate trying a cautiously optimistic approach in that you pay lip service, to being supportive, while on your own and without letting her know you figure out your legal options and the pluses and minus points of your various options... .and lay the groundwork of what you need to do to protect yourself should she do something to end the marriage... .or so bad that you have to end it... .that way if she is on the up and up about getting help and makes progress... .then no harm, however if she is not... .then you have things in place to do what you have to do... .there is nothing to prevent you from quietly seeing a therapist to bounce ideas off of... .or from seeing an attorney to help figure things out... .in my first marriage I was in a similar situation... .so I followed this approach and it helped when she melted things down... .I hope this helps and good luck
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pfunk
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« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2010, 10:50:10 PM »

you know what i feel like this time i really do need to go through with it for everyone involve. because you right now she is supposely somewhere crying her heart out well guess what? i've already seen that several times before. i mean can't even count how many times she messes up i get upset, take one step towards separation then she comes out crying saying that she's ganna get straight and do the right thing, feel sorry for her, take her back just so she can mess up again in no more than a week later. so therefore i feel like if i dont stick to my guns this time around then when is she ever going to realize that some changes are in order? worst come to worst she fall flat on her face and stay down, or we go through with the divorce and share custidy of our son and whatever the court decides, or we go through a cool no contest where she would still have an opportunity to be independent i can still be there for her if wants me too i will definitely be there for my child no matter what,and if she can choose to get help which she can still get through medicaid from the state and there will still be a chance to get back together if we both choose to later on, i mean just because we would be divorce that doesn't mean all would be lost, and at the same time i would have the option of moving on with my life and save myself some heartache if she keeps doing the wrong things. but i strongly feel that its about time something serious happens that can get her attention.
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atwittsend
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« Reply #14 on: February 26, 2010, 11:02:27 PM »

she will continue on business as usual unless you change how you react to her.  If one thing didnt work I tried the opposite.  Once the cycle is down to one week there is no going back. 
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pfunk
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« Reply #15 on: February 27, 2010, 12:26:20 AM »

and by the way i have no problem with her getting a job and wanting to try to be self sufficient, my only problem is seeing all the stories about BPDs once they start getting in this patern and i just dont want it to be at the expense of my feeling.
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2010
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« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2010, 04:10:52 AM »

You do have some decisions to make and a good start is to decide what's best for your son. Looking at it from his point, he might or does have a BPD Mother. There is a book by Christine Ann Lawson that separates bPD Mothers into types:  Waif (helpless) Hermit (has no life very jealous/envious) Queen (looks down her nose at others) and Witch (vengeful, wrathful, angry)

Each chapter talks about the partnerships and troubles they have- and what the best method of dealing with them. Waifs, for instance, need structure, so to get up and go to a job every day is exactly what they need.

Although being a housewife and doing housework is also a job, Waifs do not have the skills to enforce their own structure and sometimes use/misuse alcohol/drugs (even in hiding) during their housework to offset anxiety and lonliness. They may also have "acting out" behaviors with other Men. Since you are the only one who knows her well enough to determine where she falls on the archetypal scale- I would suggest you get a copy of the book and read the info- it will be invaluable to you. It can be found on amazon.com Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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pfunk
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« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2010, 11:32:40 AM »

well thanks alot for this info 2010. but if i had to guess i would say that maybe she's waif, yeah she's not so good at keeping a household by herself, and you right back when she had a job she used to be alot better and acted out a lot less since she used to be so busy.
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