Help me to let go of my now self-sustaining hell, please

[Christiaan]

Hi everyone,

I first posted on this forum about half a year ago when I had my last dramatic contact with my ex-girlfriend who is a borderliner. I am still confronted with her lies every now and then when I see people we both know but other than that, I really scared her off the last time I saw her. I let her know she can't mess with me anymore.

This girl has made my life very confusing and miserable for the last 4 years. I have been depressed, even suicidal at times. I missed 2 years of my school, some people I know won't even look at me anymore... .let it suffice to say that I have been through a lot.

But at this moment, I myself am the primary agressor in sustaining the emotional hell I live in. She is out of my life now and yet I am compulsed (as it seems) to stay miserable and keep thinking of how she hurt me and the confusion of it all for hours and hours each day. I just can't escape it, but I want to. During the day I try to find as much as possible to do which will keep me focused on more positive things. But at night it keeps me up for hours and when I sleep, I often still have nightmares of it all.

My biggest problem is my sense of justice. It seems like she hasn't suffered at all while she was the agressor. As soon as she got the next boyfriend, her life was fine. She has a great job, goes to a great school and is as happy as ever. While she put me through a lot of messed up stuff. It is like she doesn't have a consience at all. This is what keeps me up at night the most and this is why I can't let it go. Why is there no justice? Why am I the only one suffering from her behaviour?

I am so tired of it. She is still controlling my life... .no wait... .I am still keeping myself miserable. And I really don't want to. Will someone please tell me how I can let it go. She has messed up my life long enough... .I want it to stop now! I want to let it go but I just can't seem to do it.

Please help me save myself!


Christiaan

[2010]

Christiaan, What you are going through is post traumatic stress. The re-living of traumatic occurrences allows the brain to re-process and eventually heal from trauma. You have to understand that this is one way for you to try and make sense of non-sense. Most of the trauma you have experienced is painful- yet no one can live through this but you. Other people have lived through similar experiences and can give their own interpretations- but yours is the only valid experience. You will know what you need to know when your brain processes it.

Some of the things you've suffered are now programmed in your brain. You do have the ability to re-work this programming. www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ5yw3-zbE8

[Im.okay.now]

She has messed up my life long enough... .I want it to stop now! I want to let it go but I just can't seem to do it.

How do you know if her life is that great ? Maybe the reason you can't let go is because you are focusing on her rather than yourself ?

Your statement above tells me that you are still angry. Maybe you are angry at yourself ? maybe at her ? but after one year its time to start asking yourself a set of different questions and start to view this from a different perspective.

From your comments it sounds like all of this and your current condition is her fault. She is ruining your life ! She is not even in your life ... how can she be ruining it ? Maybe you are still shifting the blame over to her because it is easier to face that than facing yourself ? 

Maybe once you start looking inside for your answers, take responsibility for your own situation, you will take the first step towards feeling better.

Take care

ION

[OnceConfused]

You are now suffering because the pain is long gone, but you have continued to stay in it. You cannot blame her any longer for she is long gone, and you have to shift the blame to you so that you can fix it and move on.

The hard question is ":)o you really really want to get rid of your self-sustaining suffering or hell?". and "At any cost?".

Wayne Dyer said it well, "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."

Now, the hard part is that you have to begin to shift your life paradigm. How do we do that?

1. Begin by changing your habits, only because you want some successes that you can do it. For example, get up at 4 every morning to write, to walk, to meditate. Not because you want to get up that early, but because you want to tell yourself that you can change.

2. Work out 3 times per week. Stick to that for about 4 weeks.

3. Open the door at the store for the person behind you.

4. Pay the coffee for the one behind you at starbuck.

5. In the grocery store, let the person behind you in the line goes before you.

6. Stop at the yellow light, instead of trying to punch your car through.

Those are some examples you can begin to do to shift your life paradigm. You will begin to feel the COMPASSION TOWARD OTHERS.

Now the punch. You then can begin to view your past relationship with this woman WAS NOT A FAILURE AT ALL. Think of it as an experience, so the question is what you do with the experience, what you have learned so that the next relationship will be a better one. Trust me you will go through many more relationships in your life, so be prepared.

Look at her not as a person who committed fraud against you , but as a teacher from God. What lessons is she and God trying to teach you?

All of a sudden, with the new paradigm, you will be able to let go, and grow from the experience.


Instead of seeing her as being the bad person, you can look

[turtlesoup]

Christiaan, What you are going through is post traumatic stress. The re-living of traumatic occurrences allows the brain to re-process and eventually heal from trauma. You have to understand that this is one way for you to try and make sense of non-sense. Most of the trauma you have experienced is painful- yet no one can live through this but you. Other people have lived through similar experiences and can give their own interpretations- but yours is the only valid experience. You will know what you need to know when your brain processes it.

Some of the things you've suffered are now programmed in your brain. You do have the ability to re-work this programming. www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ5yw3-zbE8

I love the scientific explanations. Doesn't half make you feel like an organism or little value! And actually, I like that feeling, when the BPD is taking up so much of my emotional mind, the idea that its just a neuro net firing off makes it all very less painful

[Christiaan]

Thank you all for your tips. I am doing a lot of things to try and get my life in order like the examples you gave. Some of the consequences of her actions are still in my life, she is not creating new ones, but there are some old ones that go on. For example: I lost my job, I got 2 years behind with my school, etc. I still am confronted with those things in a practical way, every day. In some way I let her do that, but I don't think anyone would have been capable in escaping from all her mind-playing games and manipulation. She is very very inteligent and deceiving and I didn't know about her disorder at all. So talking about taking responsibility for my past, is not really helping, it actually makes me even more confused. Even my therapist says I shouldn't do that so much and that I should accept, I have been a victim.

But... .I can definetely take responsibility for my life now! And that's what I want to do. Although I have lost a lot, I want to make the best out of the situation in which I am now. So whatever other practical tips anyone can come up with, it is much appreciated. I really liked how you described the trauma bit, It gives me hope to know that it is a temporal thing and some day I will completely get over it.

[Tippy]

Just wanna give you some hope.  I, too was where you are last year.  IT DROVE ME INSANE... .I can tell ya.  Morning, noon, night, wake up hes in my thoughts.  At one point I wanted to surgically remove my brain and put a brand new one in cos I just was soo frustrated and angry... .grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  What I would like to say to you is you are gonna be ok, you know why?  Cos today you are on this board and talking about it, questioning it and acknowledging that it isnt right.  I got to your stage.  I lost a lot over my ex too, my bank balance, my health, I couldnt go to work for a while so lost lots of money, my attendance was being looked at by my managers and I lost my self-respect.  We are right with you ok?  Its time to focus on you, every time that thought of her comes into your head think of a pink elephant, mickey mouse or a naked nun, whatever floats your boat.  Good luck with it all and keep posting!

[Christiaan]

Thank you Tippy!


Those are encouraging words. I think I'll go for the pink elephant. But really, it's good to know other people have been through similar situations, sometimes harder and have also gotten out of them. I need the hope because that's all I live for now. Hope to be happy again one day.

[DAS]

 If it is any help, know that she likely is suffering internally and all the "happy" stuff you are seeing is a facade. She wasn't "happy" with you, she's not "happy" with the next guy and is or will do to him precisely what she did to you.

[Discarded]

If it is any help, know that she likely is suffering internally and all the "happy" stuff you are seeing is a facade. She wasn't "happy" with you, she's not "happy" with the next guy and is or will do to him precisely what she did to you.

that's right das, borderlines are not happy people. you can't treat others like they do

if you are. they carry a staggering amount of pain, loneliness & fear inside them.

when they rage at you, they are literally telling you their opinion of themselves.

when they flaunt how little they care about you, they're showing you how they were

treated by one or both of their parents. you're dealing with an emotionally stunted

product of rejection. core damage.