Rape

[whyme87]

She told a mutual friend she was raped whilst walking her dog... .he said she casually text "i've just been raped"

[DAS]

She told a mutual friend she was raped whilst walking her dog... .he said she casually text "i've just been raped"

Erg... .

a) could be a lie?

b) something she has to deal with on her own.

But erg - DRAMA. Your mutual friend wasn't very nice in telling you. Does he know you're trying to disengage?

[man34]

when my ex was going through her divorce... .she would frantically call me... .and tell me that her husband raped her... .i would get really stress... .later she told me that she was lying each time... .

[turtlesoup]

You know my story whyme87, exBPD claimed her ex's raped her, claimed people raped her when we were apart (sometimes just overnight) claimed colleagues raped her and now said that I had raped her. Well I know as sure as sugar I didn't. Its very unfortunate that anyone would make this claim untruthfully, mine says it to cover up for infidelities, to make me be a white knight and now to make my blood boil or make me feel bad about myself. Its a very emotive word and should not, under any circumstances be used as a ploy to get attention for any reason, sometimes sadly it is and that makes me very angry. Its a serious serious violation and every time my exBPD said it I had to take it seriously even though I figured it was probably a lie. In this case, I don't know obviously if its true or false, either way its alarming.

[2010]

In their own minds, Waifs often feel raped- but its not the RAPE that we can firmly call the violent violation of another human being. It is a Waif's way of sending out a distress signal to rescuers that one relationship has boundary violations and the violator wasn't her. What Waifs fail to recognize is that it very well *was* her choice, but the violator couldn't be manipulated in a way she had hoped for. When you look closely, it's her own lack of boundaries and her learned helplessness that got her into the situation.  Many Waifs continue blaming others for boundary violations and casting the shame off on those involved (the Waif's own shame- let her own it.) The supposed boundary violator might not be innocent- but whatever reaction was given is a valid one to the Waif's behavior. Countless books have been written for Women to be smart and stay away from bad choices: don't get in the car with strangers- dont pick guys up at a bar when your drunk, etc, etc.  Chances are, if you've got a Waif in your life that constantly refers to Rape as an ongoing situation- there's a glitch in her circuitry that eliminates personal responsibility.   

[turtlesoup]

In their own minds, Waifs often feel raped- but its not the RAPE that we can firmly call the violent violation of another human being. It is a Waif's way of sending out a distress signal to rescuers that one relationship has boundary violations and the violator wasn't her. What Waifs fail to recognize is that it very well *was* her choice, but the violator couldn't be manipulated in a way she had hoped for. When you look closely, it's her own lack of boundaries and her learned helplessness that got her into the situation.  Many Waifs continue blaming others for boundary violations and casting the shame off on those involved (the Waif's own shame- let her own it.) The supposed boundary violator might not be innocent- but whatever reaction was given is a valid one to the Waif's behavior. Countless books have been written for Women to be smart and stay away from bad choices: don't get in the car with strangers- dont pick guys up at a bar when your drunk, etc, etc.  Chances are, if you've got a Waif in your life that constantly refers to Rape as an ongoing situation- there's a glitch in her circuitry that eliminates personal responsibility.   

This is the case. I have found out through other means that she would go off with people, men, back to their houses, often whom she had only just met and put herself in very dangerous situations. Not every time intercourse would take place, but the guy (at least in one circumstance I know of) got pretty nasty and told her to leave. Basically my exBPD told me she wanted to be friendly with this man, she met him randomly (on the street!) and he was the same ethnicity as her so she wanted to be friends with him, she used her sexuality to be friendly with him, but then when he thought they were going to have sex my exBPD pulled away. Now this is a story I know, I've seen her behaviour, its quite possible sometimes it doesn;t go that way and she can not control a situation.

TBH, it hurts my heart and head thinking about this too much, I dont like to think of her doing this and I dont like to think of her scared if it all goes wrong which I presume it has done on occasion. I also know she uses the word rape when talking about things even non sexual. She doesn't seem to understand that this word is an important word, or actually maybe she really does understand and that's why she uses it.

Urgh I dunno, its a painful thing to discuss for me. How was I meant to protect a person willingly putting herself in danger all the time, even if it was just flirting that didn't go quite to plan (leading guys on then turning them down).

[2010]

This is the case. I have found out through other means that she would go off with people, men, back to their houses, often whom she had only just met and put herself in very dangerous situations. Not every time intercourse would take place, but the guy (at least in one circumstance I know of) got pretty nasty and told her to leave. Basically my exBPD told me she wanted to be friendly with this man, she met him randomly (on the street!) and he was the same ethnicity as her so she wanted to be friends with him, she used her sexuality to be friendly with him, but then when he thought they were going to have sex my exBPD pulled away. Now this is a story I know, I've seen her behaviour, its quite possible sometimes it doesn;t go that way and she can not control a situation.

This is classic Waif behavior; almost naive and childlike- then suffering the consequences of being childlike within an adult body.  I know how hard it is to watch and worry about this time and time again- but there's nothing you can do about it except to stop rescuing. Waifs like to play people off of each other- it's useful to them. That way they dont have to be alone. Being alone is being without someone to blame and being without someone to CARE about their behavior.  You must follow the behavior to see the payoff.

Waifs have trouble holding onto relationships (male or female friendships too) because they expect everyone to be parental objects that are morally and ethically centered for the better good of the Waif. This brainwashing goes way back into the past- where one or the other parent taught the child their learned helplessness.  The Waif almost has a repetition compulsion to keep supplying the parental object with worry and concern. Does that make sense?  When you are worried, the Waif feels loved.

[turtlesoup]

This is the case. I have found out through other means that she would go off with people, men, back to their houses, often whom she had only just met and put herself in very dangerous situations. Not every time intercourse would take place, but the guy (at least in one circumstance I know of) got pretty nasty and told her to leave. Basically my exBPD told me she wanted to be friendly with this man, she met him randomly (on the street!) and he was the same ethnicity as her so she wanted to be friends with him, she used her sexuality to be friendly with him, but then when he thought they were going to have sex my exBPD pulled away. Now this is a story I know, I've seen her behaviour, its quite possible sometimes it doesn;t go that way and she can not control a situation.

This is classic Waif behavior; almost naive and childlike- then suffering the consequences of being childlike within an adult body.  I know how hard it is to watch and worry about this time and time again- but there's nothing you can do about it except to stop rescuing. Waifs like to play people off of each other- it's useful to them. That way they dont have to be alone. Being alone is being without someone to blame and being without someone to CARE about their behavior.  You must follow the behavior to see the payoff.

Waifs have trouble holding onto relationships (male or female friendships too) because they expect everyone to be parental objects that are morally and ethically centered for the better good of the Waif. This brainwashing goes way back into the past- where one or the other parent taught the child their learned helplessness.  The Waif almost has a repetition compulsion to keep supplying the parental object with worry and concern. Does that make sense?  When you are worried, the Waif feels loved.

Does it ever make sense. And it proves what an excellent choice I was for her at that time. But I imagine you tell any BF you're been assaulted you are guarenteed he is going to be doing his nut. I remember the first time I got these stories I was off for the phone to call the police, she refused, even though she told me she had been raped she didn't want police involvement because, get this, she didn't "believe in blame"... .oh the irony! and the weirdness!

She would give me responsibility for so many things, and if you have seen my latest installement I have been blamed for her mothers death (this lady unfortunately died of cancer and was diagnosed before I met exBPD)  and she wrote a crazy sentence to me about me allowing her to be raped over and over and not doing anything about it (why are you allowing this - she wrote).

Wow, 2010, I wish I had your knowledge back then, I had been running round in circles over this woman, everytime she writes to me she tells me terrible things have happened are happening and scolds me for not caring anymore. Which is true, I don't. Cos mostly its BS or brought on herself. Thanks for this bit of knowledge 2010, its an important nugget of information for me to understand many small niggles I didn't get before. Thank you.

NB: I just remembered something else - regarding parental object - very early on and then subsequently she would talk about how much I reminded her of her father, she even (on one of our first times in her house) went and got a photo of her father and told me how much I looked liked him (which actually, I can't see it, but h'okay). Throughout the relationship this comparison to her father continued, and now, yuk, thinking more, I remember when she asked me to move into her family home she wanted me to work from her house (i do work from home) from the same desk her father even occupied. Would it be so direct? Would she really directly cast me in that role - to act out her mother? Or is that an altogether seperate and creepy thing?

You know, actually I have surpressed so many things she did, I knew at the time they were adding up to a major ick factor, I would just dismiss them as "oh women like guys who are like their fathers" etc. Im kinda hoping you tell me this is not linked now 2010 cos its icking me right out!

[2010]

Does it ever make sense. And it proves what an excellent choice I was for her at that time. But I imagine you tell any BF you're been assaulted you are guarenteed he is going to be doing his nut. I remember the first time I got these stories I was off for the phone to call the police, she refused, even though she told me she had been raped she didn't want police involvement because, get this, she didn't "believe in blame"... .oh the irony! and the weirdness!

Ha- you know it’s funny, and by that I mean odd. But it’s really a need for attention in much the same way as the Narcissist does. In NPD they speak of narcissistic supply, which really means attention that they get from others- they do that by mirroring- and then when the mirror cracks. They devalue it and discard it for another.

With a Waif, it almost the same need for attention- but rather than an outward cry that harvests the best possible sources- it’s an inward one that runs on a “woe is me” loop. This is after the target has been subsumed, mind you. In the beginning, the Waif looks quite capable and very independent and that’s because she’s attracting her sources that have the personality that she truly wants.

The attention that a Waif wants is to reinforce her perspective that she’s helpless. This was taught to her in childhood.  Having a SO who has strong, dependable traits gives the Waif the browbeating that she cannot do this herself. It’s a self serving despondency. She wants what you have... .

So there’s this cry for help that proves her lowly opinion of herself. The help comes (that’s you)- and then the help questions the cry for help. What happened? Who did it? What did YOU do then? That’s when the ruse is up and the Waif needs to protect her shallow sense of self- so she does this by distancing (running away- a self-fulfilling prophecy.) If you follow, you will only get annihilated as a persecutor- (Remember, Waifs want everyone on their side- regardless of right or wrong.)  She has no intention of changing this format- because it keeps her from looking at herself.

Giving her the attention after a cry of rape by calling the police serves two things; (much like the narcissist)- it reflects light back onto her- and her behavior- which she KNOWS is wrong- but she cannot help the initial stimulus that causes it and hasn’t a clue how to stop it. Her defense mechanisms of blame kick in and a new acting out behavior compensates for her feelings of shame.   To have her understand the peculiarity of this- means a rock bottom re-structuring of her entire personality. Hard to tell someone they need a make-over until they get it themselves… Waifs are waifs because it’s deep down inside them.

I often say, a Waif is like a whimpering puppy stuck in the pantry closet, and when you open the door to rescue the poor puppy, you’re greeted by an angry pit bull. Sometimes the whimpering is what it’s all about… attracting rescuers.

I had to learn that a rescuer can become a recuser.  re·cuse (ri kyo̵̅o̅z′)

transitive verb, intransitive verb recused -·cused′, recusing -·cus′·ing

to disqualify or withdraw from a position of judging, as because of prejudice or personal interest

You have to let go. When you do, you'll worry- but if you had stayed you would worry too. Either way it eats at your soul- but as a recuser, it becomes a way of saying- you must withdraw.  You must do this for yourself- for both of you. You must do this for yourself. Not for her. You must do this for yourself. She will get better if she realizes what she's doing. You must do this for yourself. At this point, she gets a payback from her behavior. You must do this for yourself. Leaving her is the withdrawal that eliminates her bad habitual payback for the aberrant behavior.

If she's going to get well- it's because you've withdrawn yourself. You must do this for yourself. Expect a better tomorrow if you let go. It does not mean failure- it means a best chance for success. You must do this- for yourself.

[turtlesoup]

Hey 2010

I have withdrawn, I did make a mistake of contact last weekend when all the waify accusations came back but I didn't get fogged up, it just reminded me what she is like. Sadly, I doubt my withdrawel will change her, there will just be a new rescuer. But either way, its not my problem to solve. It is a worry, a woman who puts herself in such dangerous situations, this led to one of her sectionings and also is the cause of neverending worry for her family. If she ever tries this crap with a bad hearted person it could get very ugly indeed. Anyway, there is nothing I can do, I came to that realisation some time ago. Its only interesting for me to hear about it in these very sensible terms instead of just blind panic followed by intense worry.

Yes, she did present herself as very high functioning initially and all her lovers either had their own business or were very successful, no hit_, people who all in the end either lost their businesses, moved continents or have gone NC, lucky for me I hope my only repercutions will be NC.

Thanks 2010.