It has been 9 weeks...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It has been 9 weeks since I was told that it is 'too stressful' to keep me 'emotionally happy' and that she was 'running away and very sorry' -- this after an email where I wanted to talk about why we were so uncomfortable together -- anyway, 9 weeks and this morning she 'liked' one of my sister's Facebook posts. (We live less than a block away and so I have not unfriended her fearing the wrath of her trashing me to everyone.) Anyway, had this been 6 months ago, I would so reciprocate, but now, no way. Yet it is still disruptive to me... .Do they ever go away?

[Gaslit]

It has been 9 weeks since I was told that it is 'too stressful' to keep me 'emotionally happy' and that she was 'running away and very sorry' -- this after an email where I wanted to talk about why we were so uncomfortable together -- anyway, 9 weeks and this morning she 'liked' one of my sister's Facebook posts. (We live less than a block away and so I have not unfriended her fearing the wrath of her trashing me to everyone.) Anyway, had this been 6 months ago, I would so reciprocate, but now, no way. Yet it is still disruptive to me... .Do they ever go away?

[PDQuick]

Let me see if I can get this straight. You remain friends with your ex on Facebook, in hopes to control her from trashing you to everyone, yet, she still has avenues available to her to do so, like her phone, face to face talking, email, smoke signals, and hieroglyphics?

In your thinking, you believe that the presence of your friendship icon is enough to derail her from bad mouthing you despite any, and everything that she feels entitled to do based on her emotional thinking, no matter how twisted it may be?

Also, you believe that because she "liked" one of your sisters facebook posts, that this is a desperate attempt to pull you back into a relationship for her?

Something isnt adding up to me here. 

Just because the two of you are no longer together, doesnt mean that she has to seperate out all of the people that she knows either with you, or through you. You are on facebook, and she is on facebook. Both of you are entitled to be there, and have every right to be. You all have friends, some of them being mutual. Both of you are entitled to your own relationships with each one of your own friends. Just because a break-up has occurred, it doesnt mean that one of the two participants has to control/alt/delete their entire lives.

I know what this is all about, and I have been there. You remain friends so that you still have a hand in her life. You havent reached the point of letting go, and FB is one of the last strongholds that you have to peer into what is happening in her life. Fear not Gaslit, this isnt a , it is called self torture.

Instead of looking and judging her actions, maybe a little look-see in the mirror as to the goals and motives of your own actions are in order. If you dont agree with me, answer this one question. Despite the troubles that you two went through, is she not entitled to live her life the way she sees fit?

[Colombian Chick]

I'm going to recommend this book:

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[Gaslit]

She has met my sister only a couple times - they are not friends per se in the real world. She did the 'liking' thing the last time we didn't speak for 30 days, and it worked on me then. I reached out. This time is different as I know all about the BPD stuff, but more importantly, I know the previous pattern of us. Her 'liking' something of my sister's, now, is her reaching out, just enough, hoping I will bite. I know her PDQuick. I know how she operates. I hate that it still effects me, but I am happy I won't react again. Your post is a bit harsh not knowing the situation. But maybe that is your own bitterness coming out. So happy I finally posted again per Patty's recent email.

[PDQuick]

Gaslit, I apologize if I came across as harsh to you in my post. Rereading it, I can see where it come out that way. We don't know each other, so please accept my apology.

What I was trying to point out is the rein of power. We fear their reactions, responses, and actions, because in our minds, we believe they hold the power over us. We believe that if they want to get back together, that they will succeed in their desires. We believe that if they want to harm us with words, they will succeed. We believe they hold the key. None of this is true, but rather a fear of them, and a disbelief in ourselves.

For some odd reason, we still hang on to them in a small way, to try to control what they do, say, or how they act. We feel we need forewarned in anything they do. We are hypersensitive to anything they say or do, because we are looking for the destructive intentions of these things. We are wounded, and our response is an age old coping mechanism, protect the wound until it heals. Just like someone with a broken arm, we are hypersensitive to anyone who tries to touch that arm, and over exaggerate motions to keep that arm from being hit in normal day to day life.

In this case, there isn't a cast, or a bandage that shows people that we are hurt. There is no pain medication, no antibiotics, and no time frame to help us overcome our hurt. We have little to look forward to once this hurt is incurred. This is an injury of the heart, but most of all, an injury of our own psyche.

The only thing that will truly heal us is self talk, and changing our perceptions of the events into something that is understandable and can be reconciled in our minds. We have to overcome our hypersensitiveness, and reason our way away from all of the negative perceptions that we all share in these relationships. We have to honestly understand our exs, or our partners, and the disorder that effects them.

At first, we villanize them, thinking they are all bad, malicious, and insane people who are out to rape, pillage and plunder the hearts and minds of all they come into contact with. Again, this is a coping mechanism. We see evil in everything they do, and cast them out into a world of anger, and discontent. This is our own version of black and white thinking. Once they were all wonderful, now they are all bad. The truth lays somewhere between the two. It is in that truth that peace and understanding exist.

I guess what I'm trying to say Gaslit, is this. Your ex suffers from a mental disorder. One that you don't have any experience with. Until you understand what she deals with, you will continue to see her as an evil, manipulative entity. Until you cement in your heart what it is that you want out of life, and how she truly fits into that life, you will fear her next move. The power belongs to you, it is just waiting for you to grab it, and utilize it in the proper way.

[Gaslit]

Thanks PDQuick. I do understand what you mean about perceived power -- the power we give them. They understand too, and they will use it whenever possible -- until we no longer let them.

I have been thinking about this recently, the 'fearing their responses, and actions (and inactions), and I don't think it is fear per se. It feels like fear, but it is different. A weird 'ping' that seems more like some low-level brain reaction to a traumatic situation. This same fear can also be mistaken for love, but it is not. You describe this as an injury, I agree with that.

I didn't and wouldn't describe anything she does as some desperate attempt to get back into the relationship. It is more of an attempt to feel good about herself. To see that no matter what, I am still there in the background. I'm still a backup. She has a history of trying and trying to re-engage me, and boom, once she does, she literally walks away happy and the process starts all over again. She likes having me there, for when she needs me, and only for when she needs me. Which is why I can't do the friend thing with her. It's funny, I once told her that if I didn't have feelings for her we wouldn't be friends because she is not a very good friend - red flag much? That should have been 1 of 1000. 

Anyway, she would take very personally if I unfriended her. And I don't care to have her trash me since we live so close and used to work together. It's strange, but by 'leaving the door open' with facebook for her, it prevents the trashing. I have not looked at her FB page since October. I refuse too. And I have hidden her feed in the status updates. I'm not using FB to peak into her life. I don't want to know about her life. I highly encourage all to Not look at their FB pages -- you will be much happier. What sucks is I know she peaks into my life and that of my sister and good friend (both of whom she has only met a couple times) to triangulate my life. She has told me so before. But anyway, whatever... FB is the devil!

I know and believe very deeply that any interaction with her would be a waste of time. It is akin to finding out that your girlfriend is lesbian - you know (because you are a guy), she would only be pretending with you, that everything would be a lie. There is no going back once you totally understand what BPD means. She has no core-self, she is always changing based on who's personality she stole that day. You can't have a rational conversation with them, and often they read entirely different meanings out of things. Not too mention they change how they feel from one second to the next. In short, talking about improving a relationship is an exercise in futility. And yes, they may be all sweet to get you back, but once they do, they almost immediately go back to their distancing hot and cold roller coaster ways -- fun!

[Skip]

She owns you.

If friending your sister would be noticed and then reacted to - you're owned.

I lived it too.

Think about it.  If you friended her uncle, would she be tying her arm to the chair to prevent herself from calling you?

So,  you are doing the right thing. You're here working through it.  And whatever visceral feeling you have - you are listening to your logic.

It is admirable that you are not spying on her FaceBook.  I personally (one opinion) would also leave the "friending" up... .it's trivial... .removing it is communicating... .especially given your past.  Not touching it is passive.  People generally don't over react to passive.

My suggestion is that you abandon your FaceBook profile for a while.  Why?  Because everything you do on FaceBook you know or hope that she is reading.  This part is keeping you engaged.   You may even want to open up another FaceBook profile to use in the interim with your friends and list a different age and a picture like... .



OK, maybe not this exact picture.

Passive.  Slip out the back... jack.

[Gaslit]

Yes. Exactly. Any action is a reaction. Removing it is communication. It is one of the huge reasons I did not unfriend her. It sends the message that she controls me. I have been very deliberate in sending no messages, of any kind, however slight.

Regarding whether she sees my postings, it's kind of the opposite now. I used to censor myself so she wouldn't become dis-regulated (she hates my friend-girls and thought I was pounding them all.) Now I just post whatever I want. How stupid the stuff we used to not too, in some vain attempt to keep them happy. As if they ever reciprocated or appreciated it. On the contrary. The less nice I was, the more she was into me. How screwed up is that? Not exactly what one looks for in a friendship or relationship.

Anyway, I'm not going to run and hide and remove my profile or make another. I think that would be sending another message - to my actual friends - that I'm a freak! I'm not destroyed. I get what happened. She probably thinks the roller coaster ride still has tickets, but this board has changed my perception and understanding. And importantly it has freed me from an overwhelming desire to reconcile at whatever cost.

I've been down this road. Probably 100 times. I know where it leads. I know that every trip is shorter and shorter. I know it is always a dead end. And I know there is nothing in it for me. And that is what is different this time around. I have longed for this and I won't ruin it.

[bob451]

Gaslit:

Another way of looking at it, from my perspective, is this: nine weeks is not a long time. Considering what you may have been through, it'll take a while for you to settle down. You might be seeing things that are not really there, or don't have the meaning you think they do. That's ok. We're all a little jumpy at the beginning. But, start your journey forward by defrending and blocking your ex. She won't leave your life until you block out hers'. And get on this now, you'll have to do it at some point, that or you trap yourself and prolong the pain.

Bob451

- and of course, keep a diary. Chart your progress, how you feel, things that are happening in your life. Have a dialog with yourself. A year from now, you'll thank yourself for having a written record of what you've accomplished, breaking free.

[2010]

Have you ever heard the quote, "keep your friends close but your enemies closer?" It was a phrase in the Godfather movie, and is commonly misattributed to Sun Tzu, a Chinese General and military strategist who wrote "The Art of War."

Sun Tzu said something very close to this- but he really meant- know yourself. Know your enemy.

"Know your enemy and know yourself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know yourself but not your enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know thy enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time... ."

According to this, it's necessary to understand that your enemy has a disorder. How many times did you second guess this? Probably you still do. And that's OK- for now.  So let's just say that people with BPD have a spectacular lack of common sense. Whether they do things on purpose or not, it doesn't matter- you are in the crosshairs unless you slowly and silently back away.  Personality disorders do show patterns. Know this.

One of the biggest lessons that I had to learn was the futility of my *trying to control someone* who sought to control me through fear, obligation and guilt. In otherwords, abuse- a pattern of abuse.

My reaction to the abuse said much about my fear- and my fear was then used against me.  What I found out in this process, was my fear was really with myself. My image, and my ego- I placed them both in the hands of a disordered Human again and again- Pleas of please dont hurt me- please dont shame me- please dont smear campaign me and say bad things about me.  And every time I walked away after making this plea, I hung on like a hypervigilant undercover agent to see if the peace accord would stick. Obviously, it didn't help. It made me ill waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I checked daily, for awhile there during the middle of a smear campaign-every half hour.

It took me awhile to let go of this fear- but I eventually saw the wisdom in escape.  It was to let sleeping dogs lie. Erase the map that leads to you. Look away from all connections, all possibilities.  Take a break from the mindtrap. For your own health-force yourself. Eventually it gets better, because the connection gets severed- and the energy dissipates.

"Know your enemy and know yourself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know yourself but not your enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know thy enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time... ."

Know what you want. Know that a person with BPD does not have it... .find naught in fear. Let go.