Need to vent about definition of love and what it means to be a "spiritual"

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Responding to 2Corinthians5:17 post, brought up a volcanic rage inside me and I hope you will bear with me as I vent here today:

When I read 2Corinthians5:17 ‘s signature today, it rocked my world.    It reminded me of the saying that when the learner is ready, the teacher appears.    This is exactly what I needed to read today.    I went to Amazon.com, found the book Bold Love  and quoted below from the back cover of the book.

“Bold love is anything but passive,” writes Dr. Allender. “It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty.” So if it feels like you’ve turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it’s probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there’s nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are.”



What I realize is that I approach the world always fearful that if I don’t find out what the other person expects of me, that I can be hurt.    It is people pleasing, yes, but it is not because I want them to like me as much as it is I am afraid that if I don’t do what they want, they will hurt me.   That comes directly as a result of growing up with the threat looming that my life could end if I didn’t make nice.   I saw others get badly hurt when they didn’t make nice.   The quotation above “So if it feels like you’ve turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning” is literally true for me.   Today, I awoke feeling dizzy and that has persisted throughout the day.  

Growing up under those conditions was the start of it for me.    And in those days, religion taught us to turn the other cheek, honor our parents, etc.  …abuse was never talked about.      Then as an adult, I joined 12 recovery groups where again the focus was on “looking at my part behind all of my resentments”.    Mother was at the top of my list of resentments.   What part could I have possibly played at infancy or five years old?    But nonetheless, I was told that holding onto a resentment could lead me to a drink so I had to get rid of them by looking at my part.     So I went to therapy.    Went to many therapists who treated my issues like I came from a normal family.  The ultimate goal was to make nice and get along with everyone.

They may not have said that but that is surely the message I got.  

In the 14 years I was with my last T, she never once suggested that I stand up for myself, get angry with anyone, or set boundaries.   It was always encouraged for me to try to understand the other person, forgive and make nice.     That my love, generosity, blah, blah blah, would heal them of their suffering and lead them to health.    

My motto in life has pretty much been, “peace at any price”.    Just say or do the thing that will not hurt the other person or disrupt the relationship in any way.    Be nice.    If the other person gets upset then you should feel bad, ashamed, wrong, and do whatever you can to fix it.       All of my life I have prided myself on being a "spiritual" person.  Maybe at times, I have been that.   But mostly I have been a big phony.  

[newfreedom]

Responding to 2Corinthians5:17 post, brought up a volcanic rage inside me and I hope you will bear with me as I vent here today:

When I read 2Corinthians5:17 ‘s signature today, it rocked my world.    It reminded me of the saying that when the learner is ready, the teacher appears.    This is exactly what I needed to read today.    I went to Amazon.com, found the book Bold Love  and quoted below from the back cover of the book.

“Bold love is anything but passive,” writes Dr. Allender. “It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty.” So if it feels like you’ve turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it’s probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there’s nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are.”



What I realize is that I approach the world always fearful that if I don’t find out what the other person expects of me, that I can be hurt.    It is people pleasing, yes, but it is not because I want them to like me as much as it is I am afraid that if I don’t do what they want, they will hurt me.   That comes directly as a result of growing up with the threat looming that my life could end if I didn’t make nice.   I saw others get badly hurt when they didn’t make nice.   The quotation above “So if it feels like you’ve turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning” is literally true for me.   Today, I awoke feeling dizzy and that has persisted throughout the day.  

Growing up under those conditions was the start of it for me.    And in those days, religion taught us to turn the other cheek, honor our parents, etc.  …abuse was never talked about.      Then as an adult, I joined 12 recovery groups where again the focus was on “looking at my part behind all of my resentments”.    Mother was at the top of my list of resentments.   What part could I have possibly played at infancy or five years old?    But nonetheless, I was told that holding onto a resentment could lead me to a drink so I had to get rid of them by looking at my part.     So I went to therapy.    Went to many therapists who treated my issues like I came from a normal family.  The ultimate goal was to make nice and get along with everyone.

They may not have said that but that is surely the message I got.  

In the 14 years I was with my last T, she never once suggested that I stand up for myself, get angry with anyone, or set boundaries.   It was always encouraged for me to try to understand the other person, forgive and make nice.     That my love, generosity, blah, blah blah, would heal them of their suffering and lead them to health.    

My motto in life has pretty much been, “peace at any price”.    Just say or do the thing that will not hurt the other person or disrupt the relationship in any way.    Be nice.    If the other person gets upset then you should feel bad, ashamed, wrong, and do whatever you can to fix it.       All of my life I have prided myself on being a "spiritual" person.  Maybe at times, I have been that.   But mostly I have been a big phony.