She still wants me as friend and validator.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife is moving out soon. We have an almost 3 yr old son, and are still cordial and friendly with each other. I still would have wanted her as my wife if she had tried fixing things up with me, and been remorseful for her emotional cheating. But she's the one who wants to get out. She has probably viewed me for a while as just a friend. [Odd friends  . I take all the crap but still support her.]

She'd like to basically still see me the same as she does now. She says she'd like to be best friends. I said that's not going to be possible. Basically, because of our son, NC is not possible and I don't want to try to do that.

What I'm mostly concerned about though is that she's very depressed, and requires tons of validation and support. Every day she works she says she feels too depressed to work, and "can't." I tell her I'm sorry to hear she's so depressed, but she can do it, just like last time, and that I know this job is important and worthwhile to her.

I've told her she's going to need to find other support people. But I know I still will talk to her when we see each other. I don't mind validating sometimes. I want to help her stay as healthy as possible since she has son half of the time. But I don't want her calling me as if we have the same relationship we did before (or that we still do right now). How do I limit this contact without sounding cruel. Half of the time her texts are about being depressed.

I'm thinking at the very least to say no texting during the day while I'm at work. But as soon as she thinks it's an emergency, "I feel like I can't function today, can you please come get son?", I get confused b/c I worry about my son. Even if I simply make arrangements for her to drop him off at daycare, I don't think I should be filling that same job I did during our "normal" married day-to-day.

[tranch]

My wife is moving out soon. We have an almost 3 yr old son, and are still cordial and friendly with each other. I still would have wanted her as my wife if she had tried fixing things up with me, and been remorseful for her emotional cheating. But she's the one who wants to get out. She has probably viewed me for a while as just a friend. [Odd friends  . I take all the crap but still support her.]

She'd like to basically still see me the same as she does now. She says she'd like to be best friends. I said that's not going to be possible. Basically, because of our son, NC is not possible and I don't want to try to do that.

What I'm mostly concerned about though is that she's very depressed, and requires tons of validation and support. Every day she works she says she feels too depressed to work, and "can't." I tell her I'm sorry to hear she's so depressed, but she can do it, just like last time, and that I know this job is important and worthwhile to her.

I've told her she's going to need to find other support people. But I know I still will talk to her when we see each other. I don't mind validating sometimes. I want to help her stay as healthy as possible since she has son half of the time. But I don't want her calling me as if we have the same relationship we did before (or that we still do right now). How do I limit this contact without sounding cruel. Half of the time her texts are about being depressed.

I'm thinking at the very least to say no texting during the day while I'm at work. But as soon as she thinks it's an emergency, "I feel like I can't function today, can you please come get son?", I get confused b/c I worry about my son. Even if I simply make arrangements for her to drop him off at daycare, I don't think I should be filling that same job I did during our "normal" married day-to-day.

[havana]

I don't think I should be filling that same job I did during our "normal" married day-to-day.

I don't think you should either. She'll suck the life out of you.

[Robhart]

It's probably difficult to get a balance with a child involved especially with a BPD spouse.  But beware!I tried to maintain some kind of relationship while  she was constantly out trolling . What she wanted was for me to be just a back up when she hooked up with the new guy.

[tranch]

Yeah, I've made it extremely clear that I will not be a backup plan. I will not allow her to test out other things then just welcome her back. This has caused no hesitations in her plans, which is one of the things that really helped cement my decision that I WILL not take her back regardless of when/if she asks. God help me.

But thanks Rob, I'm sure she will try to look to me as an emotional backup plan, and I think that may even be what you meant. She will try to have me handle all the sh|t so the new guy can think she's wonderful.

[ProfDaddy]

Tranch,

I think I have been married to your wife's emotional twin.  Mine has emotionally moved on long ago but used me for support and validation -- she still tries very hard to do so.  Even after she had multiple affairs and offers me nothing of herself she still wants to try to have a future together.  She has always refused to give up her boyfriend, who she insists she loves, yet she wants to continue therapy to repair our relationship.  For years, she has been physically, sexually, and emotionally distant in our relationship.  Therapy hasn't helped, she used it as a forum to validate the reasons for her depression and to label the needs of anyone else in the home as selfish -- she doesn't want to take care of anyone, she is too damaged to parent, she is too traumatized to be sexual or even to kiss.  She would warn me on the way into a session with the T how painful it was going to be and would bask in the negativity that followed for days on end.  There is nothing in that relationship that I want anymore, nothing.  Like your situation, the difficulty in ending it is that we will need to co-parent. 

We have a S5 and a D8, which makes NC impossible.  Mine tries various strategies to get me to return to my role as selfless supporter.  She tries, as yours does, to express feelings of depression or feelings of being overloaded by parenting, to get me to come in and save her.  If that doesn't work, she calls and texts constantly to say bad things about me and blame me for the end of our marriage.  The bottom line is that any time she is feeling an intense emotion, she tries to project and unload it on me.  She uses communication with and about the children as excuses to get me on the phone to be manipulative and abusive. 

So, what gets me by co-parenting with a pwBPD?  She is unable and currently unwilling to control her emotions -- she acts on what she feels at the moment without restraint.  All I can do is set clear boundaries and enforce them over and over and over again.  The boundary I established, with help of the T, was to agree to communicate about parenting by email at the end of the day.  I will not respond to phone calls, I will not respond to texts -- those are only for emergencies and an emergency is defined as a situation that requires taking a child to the doctor or ER.  Parenting exchanges are intended to be drop the child at the door with their stuff and go (she has been unable to comply... .once the divorce is final and she does not have an ownership stake in the house, I'll change the locks and enforce this, right now I have no energy left to provoke her further). 

She pushes back against those boundaries and there are days when her behavior is so intensely negative that I have yielded and picked up the phone or returned a text.  She likes to fight over the phone right now, finds it rewarding to maintain an emotional connection with me, even if it is a negative one.  Our dysfunctional pattern of relating during a 13 year relationship has been that she gets more and more negative, more and more emotional, until I have yielded in order to keep the peace in the household.  Breaking a 13 year pattern is TOUGH.  Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to do it, but the alternative is to go back to something that is bad for everyone in the house and constantly upsetting for me. 

Well, I'm not sure if I offered you any solutions here.  Establish boundaries and keep them strong.  There will be days she tries intensely to get you to fall back to your previous role as her supporter and savior.  Don't do it -- communication during the middle of the day by phone or text is for parenting EMERGENCIES -- broken bones & blood on the floor.  Have a line prepared, as much for yourself as for her, tell her once "I hear what you are saying, it is important, I will respond to an email at the end of the day once the children are asleep.  Do not call or text again."  Then enforce the boundary, don't pick up the phone or return a text, but at the end of the day send a calm and reasoned response to an email. 

Be well and stay strong.  Going back is not a healthy option for anyone in your family. 

Dad6145 (I need a better handle)

[DAS]

I can't even imagine going through a situation like that. Both you tranch and Dad have my deepest respect and ... .sympathy I guess.

I think boundaries are your best solution tranch and be prepared for her constantly trying to break them.

Really really tough stuff, guys... .

Strength.

[JoannaK]

I'm thinking at the very least to say no texting during the day while I'm at work. But as soon as she thinks it's an emergency, "I feel like I can't function today, can you please come get son?", I get confused b/c I worry about my son. Even if I simply make arrangements for her to drop him off at daycare, I don't think I should be filling that same job I did during our "normal" married day-to-day.

You may wind up with your son much more than 50/50.  Please make sure that you document every time you take him.  You should not be texting at work... .  Someone here mentioned broken bones or blood as appropriate for phone calls at work.  You can blame your boss for the texting... .  work is for working, not texting, and your boss has been complaining about people texting on company time.  You can maintain boundaries while being kind. 

You may also want to shorten your interchanges with her vs. just dropping down to nothing.  This week, nothing longer than ten minutes; next week, down to 7 minutes (watch the clock), five minutes the week after that.  Remember that you don't need her permission to hang up the phone, to turn off your cell phone, or to refuse to answer text messages.  It's your life; you make the rules.         

[TonyC]

hey tranch...

after all this ... .this is how it goes huh... .

a few things... .like jk said... .keep a log... she might prove herself incompetant... to care for a child...

as for you... .the support is over... .validation and that stuff is out the window... she can get that from therpists and shrinks... .

you want to move on after this... .? then you have to get rid of the anchor... .

and you are the father and she is the mother... .and thats where it ends...

soungs just like another episode... of i want to be free ,, but stay close in case i need you... .

i could be wrong but didnt she like to be freinds with the older men?

[tranch]

Hey Tony, no, the older men thing wasn't my wife, but thanks for trying to remember. My wife was the one who flipped out about me seeing some p***, then that anger eventually led to her threatening to separate (b/c she couldn't look at me romantically, even though she hadn't already for years  ), telling her tattoo artist she was "separated", then failing to update him once she decided she wanted to stay with me. Then emotionally cheating, and making out. Oh... .then apologizing profusely, then doing it all again. Oh. and again.

You're exactly right about wanting to be free but stay close in case I need you.

and... .dad? [you're right, you need a less awkward name, ha]

Yours and all these responses are very helpful for me to work out this plan. Thanks guys, I will document everything I can.

[2010]

Dad6145,

That was an incredible post!