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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: BPDs capable of being alone?  (Read 1118 times)
unknown
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« on: June 30, 2010, 01:35:39 AM »

i noticed that when i broke up with my BPD she was alone for a good 3 months. she had the choice to date someone else, who was offering it but she said she didnt want to because she "wanted me, and noone else"

but she did constantly guilt trip me and try to get me back for those 3 months.

was she able to be alone becuase she liked the drama of trying to get me back but me saying no?

when i finnaly decided to go back to her, she started dating the kid that wanted to go out with her... .

BPD is a mind fu*k
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RedRightHand
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2010, 04:01:16 AM »

If I'm understanding you correctly, it doesn't sound to me like she was "alone" those 3 months... .it's sounds like she was in a seduction phase with you.

I'm sorry that happened to you.
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MonkeyGurly

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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2010, 04:57:56 AM »

I don't think they are capable of being alone.   My BPDs was on line trolling on dating and adult sites while we were in a relationship. And even now as he is ON a dating site he sends me texts telling me he misses me, wants to be with me.  Hes up there morning, noon and night.  And while she may have told you she wasn't with anyone, I don't think that the BPDs is capable of honesty.   ANd the stories constantly change.    After I broke it off the first time we were apart for 3 months.   When we got back together some woman was calling him on his cell,home phone etc.   And a month later he tells me he is going to "help" a friend at her house.   Well this friend was a female and he had been seeing her during the months of the breakup.  They dont' know what the truth is... .  We do...   ANd yes, they like to self sabatoge and blame it on us and they will tell us a story one day and tomorrow it will change.    And they like to punish us for their own inadequacies, yet blame us and tell us WE are the cause?   how messed up is that? 
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MTTYBNAMAT

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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2010, 07:41:13 AM »

I have to agree they can not be alone. My BPD gf was seeing her boss at work 4 months before she left me but still tried to maintain her innocence and contact with me after. I believe they never fully leave until you force them out of your life with NC. They always will need a fall back source so when they feel alone or highly anxious they go down the list of who they can contact to alleviate their fears. And if we let them , we will be used and tossed aside for the next go around.
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pbles
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« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2010, 08:08:16 AM »

I don't think they are capable of being alone.   My BPDs was on line trolling on dating and adult sites while we were in a relationship. And even now as he is ON a dating site he sends me texts telling me he misses me, wants to be with me.  Hes up there morning, noon and night.  And while she may have told you she wasn't with anyone, I don't think that the BPDs is capable of honesty.   ANd the stories constantly change.    After I broke it off the first time we were apart for 3 months.   When we got back together some woman was calling him on his cell,home phone etc.   And a month later he tells me he is going to "help" a friend at her house.   Well this friend was a female and he had been seeing her during the months of the breakup.  They dont' know what the truth is... .  We do...   ANd yes, they like to self sabatoge and blame it on us and they will tell us a story one day and tomorrow it will change.    And they like to punish us for their own inadequacies, yet blame us and tell us WE are the cause?   how messed up is that? 

Monkey Gurly

Mine too.  We split 11 weeks ago (instigated by me as I just couldn't take any more).  Within seconds he's back online but not with a new profile so I assume he'd been on there the whole time since I last caught him (when we'd had an argument.

Yep, he emails "I miss you" too - he's online, of course, at the same time he's emailing me how much he misses me.  Nice.

He's also on there constantly (I know, we shouldn't be checking) and he told me once that he couldn't be alone so I think you're absolutely right.  And, of course, you can't believe a word they say. 
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angry hurt
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« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 10:38:51 AM »

No they cant be alone. Mine moved away and straight to a young lad she had on a bit of string for when the time was right. She gave him the rope and he grabbed real tight. While he was working nights she would text me while she was on her own. " can we talk without arguing" and " are you okay"

They need contact with someone if they are alone.

She's now since split with the young lad and has a big bouncer doorman type bloke hooked now.

Once she gets to split him black she could be in for a good kicking if she does the usual stuff she does to all of her ex blokes and flings. I.E stealing from and cheating on them.
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MonkeyGurly

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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2010, 01:05:12 PM »

can't be alone and incapable of telling the truth!   Trolling on line.  And they are so desperate that their profiles change depending who they are trying to snare.  Read my ex's profile and I'm like huh?   "enjoys fine dining requiring coat and tie"...   LMAO in 3 plus years fine dining was fast food take out on the sofa? He is athletic?  omg he is 40 pounds overweight... .They are excellent and putting on a persona to get out.  Problem is they can't maintain it and they need to seek a new victim/person.  They are incapable of being alone.
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unknown
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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2010, 02:04:32 PM »

so what she was doing to me wasnt really considerd being alone because she was trying to seduce me?
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MonkeyGurly

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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2010, 02:25:27 PM »

I have been really alone.  After the divorce my kids were small.  I did not date, attempt to seduce but rather I learned I was fine really alone ( well except for the kids and pets LOL) and I did that for almost 4 years. But understand that BPD don't tell the truth.  So if he/she says it is raining- you best look at the window.   And if she/he wants to be alone why continue contact or attempt to hook you back in?  Answer- they are incapable of being alone !
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NIO
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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2010, 02:46:06 PM »

Alone or not... .who knows for sure, some can be alone.some can`t.

What is unquestionable is the ability to lie successfully.

When i left, i had txts and messages how much i was missed etc etc... .what she didnt know was i knew what was happening on her fb and for someone who supposedly missed me soo much her actions spoke very differently from her words.
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thisblonde
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2010, 02:48:39 PM »

How do you really know she was alone?  And as you are still her target, that may not count as being alone.  They always have a target, or feelers out for a new one.  Maybe to them, in their warped world they aren't alone because they have someone to focus on.  After our first break, mine threw it up in my face all the time how he spent 5 whole weeks totally alone- didn't go out once, trying to prove to me that he was devoted to me, and wouldn't be right back out there as he normally did.  He even admitted he thought it was a "test" of mine.  So I think they can be BPD and be alone (temporarily), but it's all still part of some sick game/ manipulation.  :)on't let that concern you, or suck you back in.  It's all about them getting their needs met at all costs.  Good Luck.  
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MonkeyGurly

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« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2010, 02:52:22 PM »

NIO oh so true... .Mine gathered 12 new women on his fb (total now up to 115!) , 20 women on his adult site etc. etc.  and all the while he is tellin me via text he misses me he is up on the dating site with an ever changing profile... .NOT ever going back to him.  his actions speak louder than his empty words and empty promises
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dziner

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« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2010, 03:50:02 PM »

When I left my BPD ex-wife it was a day later that she started to hang out with a guy that we had met a few weeks earlier from mutual friends. They were together for over 3 years and the whole time she always told her family and me that they were just friends. Although they did have two kids together during that time. She explained to her father that the first was just a drunk night of rebound sex and the second was a mistake made while trying to be friends with benefits. Everytime they would split up she would have a new guy coming around within a few days. She moved out of state after I successfully gained Sole Custody of our son and lived with her sisters family. That lasted 2 weeks before she met so random guy that she was able to dazzle and she moved out. Being alone I would say is near impossible. I mean after all if they were stuck with only themselves they might go crazy ... .oopps that makes no sense.
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RedRightHand
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« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2010, 04:24:26 PM »

My BPD ex GF also went seamlessly to the new toy after dumping me. She had set it up in advance(while lying to my face). Many months after being dumped and as the fog lifted... .I realized that she had set me up in the beginning of our relationship to be the new toy ,at that time, when she dumped her ex who was her BF at that time. I've also realized that she has been around and around her cycle many times and has never been alone.
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« Reply #14 on: June 30, 2010, 04:32:47 PM »

Excerpt
so what she was doing to me wasn't really considered being alone because she was trying to seduce me?

As far as she was concerned, you were still in a relationship with her- even though you weren't. This feeds right into the BPD thinking of people as critical and punishing (push) and then longing for love (pull) It's the *longing* that keeps you in her mind and offsets her anxiety. To defend against the anxiety that she is alone and without someone to attach to- she begins a dance of *here, come closer so I can hit you away again* It is classic BPD and one of the most heartbreaking behaviors because they actually appear rational at times- those times are seductive- pull you closer and then cling- only to become irrational later and turn to hate.

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dilbert
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« Reply #15 on: June 30, 2010, 10:39:42 PM »

we got some smart new ones here. what i mean is this: several of you with small amount of post are seeing righ thru the BS they spill out of their mouths. unknown, they are never alone but are always lying. dont go back in there!
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RedRightHand
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« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2010, 11:44:45 PM »

A small amount of posts and the title "new member" attached to me by this website can be deceiving. 
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foiles
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« Reply #17 on: June 30, 2010, 11:50:49 PM »

Sometimes they have 'other' people in place of romantic relationships, as such. My ex didn't date for years, but he had a non female who was crazy about him and they did the dance, although he wasn't sexually interested in her, she was with him and he had her around his little finger just like he did me.  He kept her for years until recently when he threatened her life.  However, I haven't heard from her, so maybe she was ed back in. 
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MonkeyGurly

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« Reply #18 on: July 01, 2010, 04:17:03 PM »

foiles... .can I tell you how many ex gf's and female "friends" my ex bf who was BPD had... .he had that he said he was not in a romantic relationship with... .   wasn't interested in sexually... .ya... .right... .I saw a few of the text messages going back and forth.Clearly boundary issues were crossed when you tell someone they are "sexy". Going on line trolling and talking to other women.  BPD don't tell the truth, can't be alone and manipulate us into thinking WE are crazy.   
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Benny
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« Reply #19 on: July 01, 2010, 04:23:13 PM »

Hi all

Im a past member who found and really needed this site about 12 months ago and I log in now and then to see if old friends have moved on or are still here.

No, they cant be alone for any reasonable lenghth of time because being alone is there biggest fear and the vast majority will always have a back up lover in reserve.

My exbpgf was and still is an amazing networker and always has a man on a string somewhere no matter who she might be seeing so that when the current one starts to go sour she has another one to move on to so as to avoid those feelings of loneliness and abandonement,feelings that terrify a BPD.

As for lying,thats a major trait of BPD and is so ingrained within them that its impossible for them to stop it,they dont lie about everything but they do it so often that in the end its almost impossible to for a non to know whats true and whats not.

NC is the only answer people.

Benny
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FloatOn
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« Reply #20 on: July 01, 2010, 07:19:28 PM »

I think some of them do become "hermits", but it seems rare. I think it's when they realize how messed up they are and can't handle any sort of relationship.
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« Reply #21 on: July 01, 2010, 07:34:54 PM »

In reality they are always alone and that is the problem.
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dilbert
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« Reply #22 on: July 02, 2010, 03:01:53 AM »

to add to what benny was saying, triangulation (read definition). my BPD was trying to use me as a stepping stone to get out of her relationship. thankfully my kids mom scarred me so bad i didnt trust anyone. so she had to get out on her own. if i fell for her bs, she would have been living with me. thankfully i dodged that bullet. YAY ME!  Smiling (click to insert in post) so ya... .theyre never alone EVER
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« Reply #23 on: July 02, 2010, 03:28:43 AM »

That explains why mine has had more girlfriends than anybody.  Because no one but me was stupid enough to hang around that long.  I also think that part of the reason that he kept me around so long was that he had a very high I.Q. (he is a doctor) and I do too (obviously I have no common sense) so he felt like he had someone besides his drunk, drug addicted people for a change.

This also explains why there were no clear boundries with people from his past.  He wanted to keep them waiting in the wings.

Mine was alone for a couple of weeks and then an old friend of his (drug buddy) got wind that we were not together and is practically living there.
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« Reply #24 on: July 02, 2010, 06:01:02 AM »

Excerpt
That explains why mine has had more girlfriends than anybody.

ve01603, The more I read about your ex, the more I think it's possible that you have a Narcissist on your hands.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   He's a Chiropractor who wants to be considered by you (and others) to be a Medical Doctor. Narcissists often want the prestige of being considered high ranking elite but never go to Medical School and since pathological envy is at the root of malignant narcissism,  I would imagine he wouldn't like the comparison of D.C. to M.D. so instead just calls himself Dr.  Did you ever talk to him about how he feels about that or would he get upset that you questioned his "medical credentials?"
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RedRightHand
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« Reply #25 on: July 02, 2010, 06:18:34 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=b98eb4fdc4012ee3639dba12a677e858&topic=120342.0
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