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Author Topic: Therapy Session  (Read 420 times)
wils70
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« on: June 30, 2010, 02:17:35 PM »

Hi all,

I had a session yesterday with a T who is experienced in personality disorders.  I am not seeing her solely for this ending relationship, but it is definitely a major factor.

She listened intently on a very very abbreviated version of events and cycles that we've gone through the past year and half, and told me that it does sound very much like a description of a person who is suffering from BPD.  She also noted, it could be potentially be a more "serious" disease such as bi-polar, but if it was that would actually be (somewhat) easier to treat.  Her words about staying with a pwBPD would be a "serious uphill battle, and not one you might want to take on".   Nothing that I haven't read before, but something about her looking me in the eyes, not thinking I am just blowing hot air because the relationship ended, and telling me face to face what I kind of know to be true feels like it's had some impact.

She told me that once you've been perceived as betraying them/their trust, that it's done - this is "the switch" that my ex told me had gone off in him.  She also said that it could be over absolutely anything, even me wearing the wrong colour sweater one day.  It doesn't matter what it is that causes the splitting black, it's just important to realise that it is inevitable, and I have no choice but to accept that he is absolutely one million percent unconsciously compelled to make me the villian in his story at this point.  Unavoidable.

She also explained somewhat the effect of parental neglect and abuse, and it's direct relation to the incapacity to feel empathy.

It's very sad.  And it's also very odd to feel that I've been treated poorly, yet I don't feel traditionally "breakup angry" about it. 





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nomimono

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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2010, 02:41:50 PM »

She also explained somewhat the effect of parental neglect and abuse, and it's direct relation to the incapacity to feel empathy.

It's very sad.  And it's also very odd to feel that I've been treated poorly, yet I don't feel traditionally "breakup angry" about it. 

I think I can see where you're coming from. I'm just ending my 6 year marriage to an undiagnosed BPDw. I had a similar conversation with my therapist, who gave me the whole 'I can't diagnose someone with BPD without seeing them, but it sounds like your hunch is reasonable.'

I'm also not feeling what traditionally people are 'supposed' to feel at the end of a relationship. I'm still waiting for the paperwork to clear the courts and I think that I can start to rebuild until that's through; I'm just so very worried that she will do something outrageous. She's already 'split me black'. The funniest part of it though is that our mutual friends won't talk to her anymore because they don't see her cheating behavior as the the same way she explained it to them.

She can't understand why they won't talk to her anymore and I just want to scream at her that it's because it's not cool to cheat on your faithful husband.

I think it's okay that we feel this way. It wasn't a traditional relationship, so there's no need to feel traditional feelings.

I've been wondering lately about her family life. They always seemed relatively normal to me. Her father is great - her mother's got some issues, but I would have never thought that it would have been that bad. But, as someone said to me once, 'you never know what happens behind closed doors!'

Good luck!
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goldenblunder
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, working on the divorce
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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2010, 02:52:54 PM »

Hi all,

I had a session yesterday with a T who is experienced in personality disorders.  I am not seeing her solely for this ending relationship, but it is definitely a major factor.

May I ask you how you went about finding a T that was qualified to help you with this?  What are her qualifications?  I am seriously thinking about going to see someone, but my experience with psychologists has been pretty disappointing, and it seems impossible to talk to a real psychiatrist.

I can't really go through my health plan's directory and look for a T specializing is helping guys who married a BPD waif who treated them like crap then cheated and left them... .  I don't even really know what to ask for.  It isn't like this is a normal case where I need help getting over a normal relationship.

Thanks.
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thisblonde
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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2010, 03:00:25 PM »

W-  Mine T also said that once they perceive you as someone who could leave them, abandon them, then they never look at you the same way again.  They then  are on a mission to find clues/confirmation of their feelings, even connecting the wrong dots, just trying to prove themselves right.  Funny, but mine always called me his "forever girl", and early on sent a card that said he prayed to God that he would let him keep me "forever".   I thought that was so strange, because of course we were in the honeymoon phase and there was absolutely no indication of anything wrong, or any predictors that it could go that way.  But that brought up another issue with my T- she said she routinely cautions people about using the words "always and never" (we've all heard that) but that when it comes to BPD, she hasn't seen one that has recovered or changed their behavior, so maybe that was the exception to that rule!  That's pretty telling about the recovery prognosis... .not good.  Take care!

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2010
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« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2010, 04:54:22 PM »

Excerpt
But that brought up another issue with my T- she said she routinely cautions people about using the words "always and never" (we've all heard that) but that when it comes to BPD, she hasn't seen one that has recovered or changed their behavior

It's so important to find a T that not only understands the pattern of the personality disorder but who also understand the PTSD that's suffered by the partner. Therapy has to allow for the betrayals suffered by the Non to purge themselves and then find a way to heal them. The process for me took years. I am still understanding and learning that what's left after the fallout really is your own life, more dignified by the struggle and less likely to return to bad behavior. It just takes a caring listener to appreciate the depth of the wounding and then not allow us to wallow in it. I wallowed for too long and I realize now that it kept me from focusing on my own behavior. *sigh* Everyone has their own time frame- mine was 5 years. Nothing frightens me more than taking responsibility for my own behavior.
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mshell
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 08:03:12 PM »

Wils

I am also seeing a therapist who understands and even treats people with BPD. He told me that not many therapists are willing to take them on as patients because the disorder is resistant to traditional psychotherapy, and besides that, most high-functioning (my ex) pwBPD never seek treatment because they deny they have a problem.

Excerpt
She told me that once you've been perceived as betraying them/their trust, that it's done - this is "the switch" that my ex told me had gone off in him.  She also said that it could be over absolutely anything, even me wearing the wrong colour sweater one day.  It doesn't matter what it is that causes the splitting black, it's just important to realise that it is inevitable, and I have no choice but to accept that he is absolutely one million percent unconsciously compelled to make me the villian in his story at this point.  Unavoidable.

I also heard this. It causes so many conflicting feelings. On one hand, it is validating to know it wasn't because I am the awful mate he says I am. On the other, sad because I feel almost cheated out of a relationship because of BPD. Frustrated too, because no amount of conversation or couples therapy would have worked once we were at this point.

Underlying all of this is the heartache caused by being split black and being unforgiveable in their eyes. Although, I can understand that it is inevitable, my mind keeps replaying all of the very, very hurtful things he said and did. Wils, do you know (or torture yourself trying to know) what you did that was perceived as a betrayal ... .and suffer remorse that if you had only known you would have done something differently?

I think that it is hard to be traditionally "break up angry" because in a relationship with a pwBPD, the partner has suffered emotional abuse. I read the following on one of the workshops here and it helped me understand why it all feels so confusing and hurtful despite knowing the "facts" about relationships like ours.

"First, understand that when you are being falsely accused or blamed, that it is abuse, pure and simple. You may feel that if you just explained yourself that the problem would disappear. You believe that the problem lies with miscommunication, and it doesn't. Our partners are projecting onto us, and at that moment, the truth doesn't matter to them. So our attempts to explain ourselves and get them to see our reasons or points of view are totally in vain.

Once you realize this, you will then be better prepared to respond appropriately. Don't spend a second trying to explain why you weren't doing what you were accused of doing or guilty of being blamed for. Just say "stop it!". Abusive statements are lies about you which are told to you. They violate your boundaries. The abuser in effect invades your mind, makes up a "story" about your motives, and then tells it to you. No human being has the right to do that to another. Offering up defenses, trying to justify your actions, hoping that "if you just explain yourself more clearly, they will understand" - all of this will make things worse, not better.

Generally, accusing and blaming involve lies about the partner’s intentions, attitudes, and motives. They leave us feeling misunderstood and frustrated, and wanting to explain ourselves. If we do, the abuse is then perpetuated.

I didn't know. I didn't have any boundaries. I didn't say "stop it". I only wanted to explain my motives so that they might be seen for what they really were and not the betrayal, abandonment, of underestimation of his character that my ex perceived. Isn't that what normal partners do? So in addition to losing the relationship, I lost parts of myself (self-worth, self-respect) and am left with a whole lot of self-doubt and lack of trust in myself and my ability to have another intimate partner in this lifetime. My need to be understood, valued, trusted and loved back was trampled because of the effects of this mental illness. Although, I think that my ex should be responsible for his actions, it is hard to be genuinely angry at him. It sure would be easier than this kind of pain.

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wils70
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« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2010, 04:29:49 PM »

May I ask you how you went about finding a T that was qualified to help you with this?

Actually I just Google'd and kept digging until I found a random T in my area that had experience with personality disorders (very difficult to find in actuality)... .
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wils70
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« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2010, 04:35:51 PM »

Underlying all of this is the heartache caused by being split black and being unforgiveable in their eyes. Although, I can understand that it is inevitable, my mind keeps replaying all of the very, very hurtful things he said and did. Wils, do you know (or torture yourself trying to know) what you did that was perceived as a betrayal ... .and suffer remorse that if you had only known you would have done something differently?

Mshell, I do.  Well, let me rephrase that more accurately - I know the two specific things that he kept bringing up, over and over and over and over again, no matter how many times these very minor infractions (which I had gone way and above beyond to fix once I realised I'd "wronged" were discussed at GREAT length and "resolved".

But as the T says, it literally can be anything that triggers the breakdown of the "trust" that's there - ie pretty much anything and nothing.  So who really knows when this started.  Probably way back even when *I* thought things were great... .

I suffered remorse for sure.  Remorse that in a sane world was totally unnecessary, but yes I did none the less.  And I did do things differently but the bottom line is didn't matter WHAT I did, it wouldn't, couldn't, and most certainly didn't change a single thing.

 
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