I exposed his cheating to his GF

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do I keep strong to the NC?

Hi CMK,

there are several things you can do.

Talk to your doctor

If you suffer from panic attacks that give you an almost uncontrollable urge to contact your ex, talk to a doctor and get some nerve pills.

It will take the edge off and really help you when you feel the worst. It helped me a lot.

Think about WHY the NC is so vital. It can help you see the bigger picture.

Think of your ex as a drug, and you as the drug addict.

You will do almost ANYTHING if you can juuuuust get a little fix. But while a fix may give you relief here and now, it will also keep you addicted and destroy you in the long run.

Get help and support from good friends and/or family.

Perhaps someone you can talk to especially when you feel the urge to contact your ex.

Make them help you focus and see the goal.

Write the things you´d like to say to your ex.

But don´t send it!

Writing really helps a lot and will make more sense of the millions of thoughts that are running thru your head.

I have written appr. 25 letters to my ex, but never sent them.

Perhaps I will someday - but I doubt it very much. And the more I write and the more time that passes, the more I think it´s completely futile to write her.

Use this forum.

Support from people in the same situation, especially those who are a bit "further" than you, can help you focus and see things that are hidden from you at this point.

Believe in yourself and your decision to go NC!

You are doing the right thing for you!

Remember that your ex does NOT have your best interests at heart.

Don´t for one single splitsecond believe otherwise.

Keep that in mind, and focus on what´s good for YOU.

Hope this helps!

[DrPhil]

How do I keep strong to the NC?

Hi CMK,

there are several things you can do.

Talk to your doctor

If you suffer from panic attacks that give you an almost uncontrollable urge to contact your ex, talk to a doctor and get some nerve pills.

It will take the edge off and really help you when you feel the worst. It helped me a lot.

Think about WHY the NC is so vital. It can help you see the bigger picture.

Think of your ex as a drug, and you as the drug addict.

You will do almost ANYTHING if you can juuuuust get a little fix. But while a fix may give you relief here and now, it will also keep you addicted and destroy you in the long run.

Get help and support from good friends and/or family.

Perhaps someone you can talk to especially when you feel the urge to contact your ex.

Make them help you focus and see the goal.

Write the things you´d like to say to your ex.

But don´t send it!

Writing really helps a lot and will make more sense of the millions of thoughts that are running thru your head.

I have written appr. 25 letters to my ex, but never sent them.

Perhaps I will someday - but I doubt it very much. And the more I write and the more time that passes, the more I think it´s completely futile to write her.

Use this forum.

Support from people in the same situation, especially those who are a bit "further" than you, can help you focus and see things that are hidden from you at this point.

Believe in yourself and your decision to go NC!

You are doing the right thing for you!

Remember that your ex does NOT have your best interests at heart.

Don´t for one single splitsecond believe otherwise.

Keep that in mind, and focus on what´s good for YOU.

Hope this helps!

[thisblonde]

Hey C-   Why don't you try working and focusing on you this time around?   That's the best use of your N/C time, and not to kick someone who's down, I think you should re-read some of the posts here.  There are some very valid points as to your motives.   

Someone who "doesn't want a r/s" has NO PROBLEM ending it.   They don't use third party/sabotage to do it.   BTW I don't think you are wrong for sending her the email, only that you need to get honest with yourself about your real motives behind it. 

Also, why respond to his last text saying to leave him alone?  Texting him back to "confirm" that you won't be contacting him again is making contact.   Your silence would have SHOUTED that much better than a responding text ever could.

Good Luck with your therapy.  I hope you make real progress.  I'm only concerned because being defensive is a real barrier to self examination and growth/change.

[cmk]

Dr. phil,

It is funny you mention panic attacks. I had never had panic attacks in my life until I met him. Since then, I think I might have them. Some kind of PTSS kind of thing. I will discuss it with my therapist. I am on anti-depressants already. She mentioned a few weeks ago that I was experiencing some OCD type behavior in relation to him.

Thanks for the suggestions.

C

[trax]

It is likely that a person bonded with a BPD person comes out with ptsd.  EMDR has helped me, as has improved nutrition (body needs building blocks to heal properly)

HTH

[cmk]

HTH,

What exactly is EMDR? I have heard about it but don't know what it is?

I made it through the night! I really wanted to text him and didn't. I guess I have a little FOG. I just feel the need to explain to him what I have done even though it won't make a difference. The closure thing has always been hard for me. I just wish we could have a normal conversation and say "well, we both _____ed up. I guess we should move on with our lives." I know this won't happen, but I wish it could.

[Paws]

HTH,

What exactly is EMDR? I have heard about it but don't know what it is?

I made it through the night! I really wanted to text him and didn't. I guess I have a little FOG. I just feel the need to explain to him what I have done even though it won't make a difference. The closure thing has always been hard for me. I just wish we could have a normal conversation and say "well, we both ed up. I guess we should move on with our lives." I know this won't happen, but I wish it could.

CMK,

x

EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  It's a treatment often used for trauma and PTSD.  It's a relatively new type of therapy that has shown a lot of promise.  I only have experience with kids, but in my experience it is amazing the difference it can make with kids regarding issues of physical and/or sexual abuse.  I have no personal experience with it regarding adults, but I have heard it's one of the best (if not the very best) treatment for adults dealing with trauma/PTSD as well.  It has other uses, too, this is just the use I am familiar with.  Basically, EMDR "reprograms" the connection in your mind with certain traumatic memories and your response to them.  You can do a google search to learn more about EMDR.  It's not as "weird" or "wacky" as it might initially sound. 

Dr. Phil gave you great advice.  Another I will add, which I read on here (I think it was CS who mentioned it elsewhere) is to make a list of all the reasons why you should not be with him, all the negative words that describe him, with an example written down of all the bad things he has done to you.  If you are feeling like contacting him or second-guessing yourself, refer to your list.

Lastly, I think you are being too easy on him when you say you wish you could both say, "We both f-ed up."  But it sounds like he did a lot worse to you than that, and HE is responsible for those things, it's not both of you f-ing up.  You are only responsible for putting up with his crap. 

  Good job with the NC!

[cmk]

I just feel so stupid for missing someone is is clearly not worthy of a relationship with me!  I totally know that intellectually, but damn, I still miss him!

My only solace is that I know he is miserable. I know that sounds shallow, but I want him to at least feel a fraction of the pain I feel. If his new GF had been so amazing, he wouldn't have continued to sleep with me. Or would he have? I don't know anymore if he cheated on me the whole time and I don't care. I am getting to the point where I don't care why he did what he did, only that he did it. That feels like some progress. Do you think?

[DAS]

I just feel so stupid for missing someone is is clearly not worthy of a relationship with me!  I totally know that intellectually, but damn, I still miss him!

My only solace is that I know he is miserable. I know that sounds shallow, but I want him to at least feel a fraction of the pain I feel. If his new GF had been so amazing, he wouldn't have continued to sleep with me. Or would he have? I don't know anymore if he cheated on me the whole time and I don't care. I am getting to the point where I don't care why he did what he did, only that he did it. That feels like some progress. Do you think?

Yes.

The why is ALWAYS the same. They do what they feel like doing it when they feel like. No logic. No consistancy. No rationale. Only crazy from the crazy person.

[cmk]

I know you are right,DAS. It is still hard to wrap my head around. I like to know why I do the things I do. Or at least have an idea. It is so weird to think of acting totally impulsively or totally ego- based.

[Paws]

I know you are right,DAS. It is still hard to wrap my head around. I like to know why I do the things I do. Or at least have an idea. It is so weird to think of acting totally impulsively or totally ego- based.

CMK,

His reasons are the same as other pwBPD's reasons, just like DAS said.  It was all about him and what he wanted at the time.  He completely disregarded you and your feelings. 

I know it is hard and you miss him.  I know those feelings.  But what do you really miss about HIM?  And do those things outweigh on the bad, all the vast disregard for you as another human being?  Or do you just miss the good parts of being in a relationship?  Is there anything that he gave you that no one else could?  Anything you got from him that you couldn't get from a healthy relationship? 

Now a very important part is to figure out why YOU put up with his behavior.  You need to address this reason(s) so that you don't break NC or have another relationship with a similarly dysfunctional person.  Ultimately, all his reasons for doing what he did don't really matter.  What really matters is YOUR reasons for being in this relationship, and how you are going to work on yourself so that this doesn't happen to you again in the future.

Hang in there!  You are absolutely doing the right thing.  The more you come out of the FOG the more clear this will become.   x

[cmk]

Why was I in the relationship? He was fun. We could have wonderful talks. We had things in common(or so i thought), we had amazing sex/chemistry, we laughed a lot, I enjoyed his company. I can honestly say I was never bored with him. He was my confindante who I told everything to. We spent a lot of time together just hanging out. I just really enjoyed to be around him. He was good looking,sexy, funny, smart. We went on 2 wonderful vacations together. When I first met him, he was in therapy. I thought he wanted to work on his problems. He knew he was a person with BPD. 

His bad qualities? He had a quick temper. He was jealous, irrational. He confused me with what he said/did. He most probably was cheating on me. He stopped giving of himself emotionally after the honeymoon phase. He smoked too much pot. He wasn't a very good father. He knew his shortcomings and would often act like he wanted to change. He ran away from intimacy.

I know he had bad qualities. Don't get me wrong. I really miss the conversations, the hanging out together, the sex. Yes, he hurt me. yes he would do it again. we broke up twice in 2 years. Both times I kind of left him and he actually did the breaking up.

I hope I kind find someone with his good qualities without the bad. I admit I am struggling. I know time is important. But, damn, I miss him.

[Paws]

I hope I kind find someone with his good qualities without the bad. I admit I am struggling. I know time is important. But, damn, I miss him.

You will.     I know how it feels.  But trust me, it gets easier every day.  You'll get through this, and it will be worth it. 

[cmk]

Thanks for the words of encouragement! You know part of it is, I am tired of looking! I am 44 with 2 kids and I don't feel like dating! I wish I were done! I sometimes look at my married friends with a sort of envy. They have someone waiting at home to tell their day to. I am tired of being a single parent!

[thisblonde]

I get the initial attraction with BPD's, we've all had that.  But in order to attract a new/different kind of person, we have to change the parts of ourselves that were defective enough to put up with someone very defective.  Until you address those issues, heal, recover, change, you're going to keep attracting people with serious issues.   Like attracts like, it's the law of attraction.   When you change that, you change who responds to you, and who you attract.   Good Luck.

[cmk]

Thisblonde,

I get you. I really do. I just have been in therapy for years and I have questioned and worked on my I am attracted to who I am. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.  I guess having a physically and emotionally abusive father is a big part of it. Volatility of emotion is normal in my house. My father is Greek and very traditional and authoritative. Our relationship is better now as I am an adult because I can distance myself. But I am still attracted to passionate (ie.volatile)men. I just feel stuck.

[thisblonde]

Well that sux, and it can be so deeply engrained that makes it more difficult.  Are you at least at the point where you can tell red flags, and know when to run- even if you feel like staying?   Sometimes to break those cycles you have to identify what behavior is bad, and make decisions off that fact, and that one alone (ie not let your emotions get involved, because your emotional compass is use to that being normal, therefore justifies the behavior)?   That is something that therapy should have helped you with by now- with the right therapist that is- that and establishing good boundaries.  Boundaries that are set up by defining what's healthy when we are in a healthy state, and using that as our new measuring stick- to keep us on the straight and narrow when our emotions have us well... .not thinking straight.  Just keep working on it,  Take care!

[Princez]

I am new to all this, and this whole thing happened a few weeks ago with this letter to your ex's gf. I get how you want to be "black" so u can be hated enough by him so he will walk away, so he will hit the reject button or better delete button on you, but that will not fix it for you. You will still be obsessing over him, wondering what he is doing, playing reruns in your head, looping it in your mind, wanting to say one more thing or ask one more question or hear the words again, that he still loves you or misses you... .or that he thinks you are beautiful one more time. But what I have had to do is realize I fell in love with a mentally ill person. They are F -ed up in the head. You are sleeping with a mentally ill sick-O. Same as if you went to a mental hospital and found a really cute guy who had it all. You are sleeping with that same mental patient. Except they are not in the facility they really need to be in, the looney bend! Cut it off Yourself! It is painful beyond belief, but it is the only way... .In time you will be able to stop the heart from wanting what is bad for it. I am still struggling myself with the NC and belief of what I got into. I would love to feel that love from him again, and I almost last Sunday texted my BPD exbf to see if he wanted to have sex. I didn't. But I know the force you fight to have NC with him. You must use your will, or you will never climb out of the pit or get untangled from the web he has you stuck in. It takes all your will to stop this yourself. Don't wait for him to do it. You take control. You will find someone else, better, no not better- NORMAL, unless you look for him at the mental hospitals! He is sick! Mentally Ill with deep psy. problems. Not normal!

Would you want to be seeing or sleeping with a diseased person or retared person. That is the fact. I have to take my own advise as well! I feel your heartache... .It is the worse pain one can feel next to death of a loved one. But if I can offer you anything: let this is guy die out of your heart and life by your choice... .God Bless!

[cmk]

Thanks for the words princez. I agree with you completely. I have to say NC has gone well for me so far. I am really trying to let him go this time.

Good luck to you as well!

[cmk]

I am slowly starting to feel better. I think of things to say to my ex and think of texting him, but I know nothing he can say would satisfy, so I have said "whatever" and have not faltered. I have no idea what has happened to him or his gf and if they are still together. I haven't gone searching for the info and hope I stick with that.  Slowly... .I am feeling just a tiny bit better. NC is working.

[Paws]

I am slowly starting to feel better. I think of things to say to my ex and think of texting him, but I know nothing he can say would satisfy, so I have said "whatever" and have not faltered. I have no idea what has happened to him or his gf and if they are still together. I haven't gone searching for the info and hope I stick with that.  Slowly... .I am feeling just a tiny bit better. NC is working.

It gets better and easier every day!  You will keep feeling better and better as long as you stick to your guns.  Good job!

[mindful]

CMK,

NC:  Learning how to deal with grieving is one of the biggest lessons for us all.  And grieving is unavoidable in life.  If you see this as a chance to grow you will find better ways to experience life's loss--- to the point that you will trust yourself more and more with situations that create fear now.   And won't that confidence attract a different type of person? 

Right now I realize that my dance is more about my fear of my negative emotions, and that I don't yet have the power to take care of myself when I am around my xUBPDgf or experiencing my hurtful memories.  NC has allowed me to develop power, to allow insights that could not have come any other way.   My xgf could be so vindictive and ill willed.  And I know I am vulnerable still.  I let her get in too deep without caring for my boundaries.  Or maybe she looks for folks with pliable boundaries.   In many ways I emotionally abused myself.   I am stopping that inch by inch.  NC is part of the way.  And a self-responsible attitude   Be easy on yourself and keep remembering all the ways you have made yourself feel better    Everything you need is in your skin, your mind, and your heart.  Become masterful in taking care of yourself.

I have found this forum to have amazing power to discover and validate the experience that seems hidden from us by the abuse.  And that is liberation.

[Princez]

CMK I made a response to you and hit post, but it didn't post... .The short version is good job. Today in order to cope, I had to replace my exbf name when it came up in my mind with another name, or I repeated until the thought faded... .I repeated "mentally Ill"

over and over. It helped! Don't give in. You do not want to back with him. You don't care who he is with or what he is doing. Be glad he is with someone else, as that means he won't be after you. Others on here talk about the hell you are now spared from. They walk around like they are normal, but remember they are emotional vampires!

Stay strong... .

[mindful]

CMK I made a response to you and hit post, but it didn't post... .The short version is good job. Today in order to cope, I had to replace my exbf name when it came up in my mind with another name, or I repeated until the thought faded... .I repeated "mentally Ill"

over and over. It helped!

Princez--- I have done the same thing.  Replace the image of my x with the image of a very friendly person I know or dream of.  It is amazing how embedded they become.  And it does work.   

[justwantout]

Heart vs head, thats what we all deal with, heck, isn't is why we are all here on this board.  Follow your head.  You mentioned you didn't think he was happy with the new poor woman... .quit focusing on that.  I had to make a choice of his needs vs mine, cause in the BPD relationship his needs will always come first.  His happiness vs mine, and this is the hard one for me... .he's never going to be happy, and even harder, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  What we can do is focus on our own happiness, try and find it again.  God knows I'm looking. And as for the being painted black, trust me, it will make nothing better, if anything it makes it harder, much harder.  I know all to well that lovely stroke of the brush.  Its like going from something of value to a piece of discarded trash with the mere flick of the wrist and never a look back.  Not something I'd wish on anyone.

[cmk]

Update... .I did a bad thing.

I text him saying I was sorry for what I did to him and his gf.

He called today and I picked up with out thinking.Up until a few weeks ago, he would still call me.

He said I tried to mess with his life and he would retaliate by trying to ruin mine. He has naughty photos of me and he would paste them outside my kid's school. Send them to my parents or my ex-husband. I said very little. I just reiterated that I would not contact him. He didn't need to do anything. I should have hung up, but I was mesmerized by his voice. I hadn't heard it in a few weeks and I missed hearing it. Anyhow, I think he is serious. I know I should have hung up, but I was curious about what he was saying. He had a normal voice like he wasn't even upset. I asked if he hated me and he said he hates my guts. Does that make me happy? I said yes and goodbye.

I know it was wrong and I am back to square one with NC. He is and addiction. Is there a support group for me?  :'(

I don't know if it is a love addiction or co-dependent thing or what. I am a normal fairly attractive, fairly well to do, middle age woman. Something about him just sets me on fire. I know it is wrong.

[Princez]

CMK, I am sorry that happened to you. That he called, that you answered and received his rath. He didn't see his part in all the drama. That the reason you were lead to doing what you did on contacting his new gf, was becuz of his cheating on her with you and how hurtful that was, really to both of you women.  No thought to your feelings, all about him and what punishing thing he was going to do to you. Never taking any responsilbity for the root of the problems he caused. Go and read some of the articles on here about disengaging from BPD. They are helpful. I keep saying... .Mental Illness! They are mental. Don't go there... .Do you want to be with a mentally ill person? NO you don't! He didn't love you, and doesn't love the new gf. They don't love!

I have not been contacted by my ex, but the more i learn the more I don't want to be. i don't want to ever see him again. It would be to painful anyway. I have decided not to even send him an email with a link to Tami Green's website. It will serve no purpose. Now it will take you some time to undo the damaging conversations and threats he made. Try not to relive those. Hit the delete button in your mind and remember it all came from a mentally ill person. They are emotional vampires!

NC!

[ifsogirl26]

There is a webite for love/sex addiction sash.net

Check it out. You may be right that this is an addiction for you. I hope he doesn't post any compromising photos of you.

Are you worried about that?

You might take some steps to block his number and email. Erase his number and email from your phone and computer.

Set up a "sponser" to call when you feel weak.

Go to sash.net and see what advice they have for you.

[cmk]

Well, I am in no way a sex addict. I went to the website sash.net.

[Princez]

Women equate "sex" to love. You want to feel the love for and from that person. It is the intimancy and closesness you wanted, I hardly think you are addicited to sex for wanting or having sex with your exBPD. That is one of their big playing cards. And they use it for a different reason... .  I wanted to text my ex a few sunday's ago and just say, "Lets have Sex"... .

I didn't, but that is what I had an urge to do... .becuz I wanted a connection with him, I wanted to feel love from him and to give to him again... .That was my motive, not just the sex act. It was I needed that closeness. It passed. I keep reminding myself, Mentally Ill!

[ifsogirl26]

Well, I am in no way a sex addict. I went to the website sash.net.

Well at least you can stratch that off the list of what may be causing your pain.  x

What about my advice about blocking his number and email and erasing them on your end too?

Do you have a T or a good friend you can call when you feel weak and want to contact him?

What about his threat to post compromising pics? Any worries there?