advice please

[brownowl90]

found this site cause ive been an emotional mess for 7 months and hoped somebody could read my story and give me some insight wether my ex is BPD and thats why my lifes been turned upside down! ive made my own mistakes and fully expect to be judged and criticised for my part in the last few years!

im 35 (32 at the time)and 3 years ago was content in life, id coached football all over the world, managed bars, ran my own business and would class myself as a sociable, likeable and popular person. i was living with my girlfriend of 7 years and daughter and life was ticking along! Then kat came into my life, 24(21 at the time) the most gorgeous, funny, intelligent, energetic person id ever met, everytime i seen her it was like my heart was going to bounce out of my chest, we became good work collegues(incidentally working in a secure mental hospital as nursing assistants) enjoyed each others company, thats all i thought it was ever going to be.

Then about 4 months later on a works night out we kissed, she declared she had been having the same feelings about me, i couldnt believe it, it seemed like id finaly met my soul mate, the one, the love of my life. I fought the feelings for 3 months, tried to stop wanting her, tried to distance myself and think of my family at home, i couldnt, i couldnt let this opportunity of true love pass me by! selfish i know, but i couldnt ever be happy again without her.

i left home, we moved in together, it was amazing, the sex, the laughs, all of it, every minute! i was getting into debt, my ex was heartbroken, i was only seeing my daughter once a week, but she made it all seem alright, we would get through it together! then 6 months into our relationship she fell pregnant, some mishap with antibiotics and the pill, she was distraught, she said she was too young to have a baby, she wanted a carear. we decided we couldnt go the termination route and we were so happy we could face anything together, but that when it started to change, reality, the honeymoon was over!

i started to see the signs that she wasnt as perfect as she had led me believe, her father and 3 siblings had left when she was 11 leaving her to grow up with her mum and stepdad. she complained that she was the black sheep of the family, that nobody loved her, that her mum was embarrassing and dizzy, that her siblings and dad seen her as different. whenever i met the family i couldnt see it, but i seen the change in her, she would be distant from me, trying to impress them, whenever we would leave she would say "see i told you they dont care, did you here what my sister said?"

Also from being interested in my daughter she became jealous, with my daughter and regards my ex whenever i spoke to her, also jealous about me working with other woman, i put this all down to her pregnancy at first and just sat back as the placid person i am(was) and let it all pass over my head and tried to enjoy the good times, cos she would onstantly flick moods from one extreme to the other.

We had to move back into my old house cos of money issues, this was 1 hour away from all her family and friends and around my ex and our friends! she hated this, post would come with my exs name on it, my friends would bring my ex up in conversation, all leading to her being upset and angry, arguments started which would end with us both in tears. i just didnt understand, i wanted my kat back, she said i didnt listen to her, that i didnt care anymore! i did all i could, bought her a car for access to her friends, put the house up for sale and assured her i would live wherever she wanted! i couldnt do anything right, the sex stopped, the good times werent as often, but she still told me she loved me, still made me light up when i spoke to her.

our son was born and didnt sleep very well, we struggled, things got worse, but he was an amazing gift, surely we could make it through! i started asing about exs, her previous 2 boyfriends had been 2 year relationships, both starting fast, buying houses, moving in together, her getting bored and leaving, she assured me i was different, she never loved them but she did me, she had actually lived in 15 houses in 7 years moving from one problem to another.

Then came xmas, i wanted a good family xmas and a fresh new year, to build our family up, we both agreed to this, she said she loved me and wanted us to get married and have more children, so did i. then about a week before xmas she went out with her sister and returned a different person forever. she was secretive, uncaring, she stopped looking at me in the eyes, i became suspicious for the first time, i found out she had met some guy who was friends with her sisters boyfriend and eventually i discovered had been texting him, but just as "friends".

then we stayed over at her mums xmas day before travelling to my parents on boxing day, on xmas eve night she went out again with her sister and i stayed in with our son, checking her phone showed 18 calls to another old "friend" who was male.

we fell out boxing day morning and she refused to come to my parents and i went alone with the kids, it then became 7 months of arguin, her saying she wasnt happy but loved me, then she didnt love me and i wasnt the one for her, that id changed and didnt appreciate her? i was desperate clinging for her to save our family. she was a different person but i just wanted the old kat back. the more i pushed the more she moved away, went to live with her mum, then into emergency housing, would go out whenever i had our son and turn her phone off!

3 months ago the old"friend" she had been ringing over xmas became the new boyfriend and she started claiming undying love for him the way she had me. he was the one, shed known him 10 years and they always had feelings for each other? since i found out this my hurt anger confusion etc has pushed me so low that i 3 weeks ago attemted an overdose, on awaking in hospital my first questions were if kat had been, my family said they had let her no but she was out with her friends, she never even checked on me for 3 days! she continues to flaunt her new found happiness on facebook, im just a problem that wont go away and thats how she treats me!

much more to this story, arguments, insults, access to my son, the way shes made me feel guilty for what ive done, made me feel like i dont know who i am anymore!

any advice would be greatly appreciated, if youve managed to read all my story i thank you and appologise if i lose the story in areas!

[JoannaK]

I read through your other posts, brownowl, and it is time to take the focus off of her and to put the focus back on you and your children.  What's going on with your daughter?  :)o you still see her?  Have you talked to an attorney about getting a visitation agreement set up with your son... .so that you are not at the whim of his mother?

Listen, you jumped into a relationship with the ex because she dangled sex and good times in front of you.  That didn't work out.  All you can do now is to put one foot in front of the other and go forward.

What kind of therapy are you getting after your overdose, brownnow?    

[brownowl90]

yes i have a great relationship with my daughter, i agree with concentraing on the children and they are my priority from now on and always should have been you are right!

ive recieved counciling and hypnotherapy and am sure it is a place i will not be visiting again, im not going to put my family through the hurt i seen in there eyes ever again and am being positive about what i have rather than what ive lost!

im just wanting somekind of comfort and closure on the situation by establishing if my ex was BPD? i know that there is never any going back, i see that, but i just want peoples opinions on wether she is BPD or not and how i deal with having to deal with her over my son!

[brownowl90]

am i missing something? is it against the etiquete of the forum to offer opinions on wether someone is BPD or not? i suppose its hard to judge from a one sided story but i think thats the main reason for being here, to see if people think im knocking on the right door and if so i can start to look how to deal with the mess im in.

[brownowl90]

I know its a long read but if people could spare the time to read my story a simple yes or no wether my partners traits are that of BPD would be appreciated!

[redrover]

my opinion would be yes --your ex certianly is borderline, no doubt in my mind from what you have posted here.

[havana]

is it against the etiquete of the forum to offer opinions on wether someone is BPD or not?

She does seem to have many BPD traits. I think you are on the right track but why get impatient with us? We're here to try & help you deal with the situation. The behavior is what you need to work on, not the label.

We are no different than you. We are dealing with the same stuff.

[brownowl90]

Sorry if I sounded impatient! I am new to the board and just wondered if it was the done thing to not diagnose! Again I appologise, sometimes you feel so alone but reading stories on here show I am not and the last few days have really helped! I just wanted to be sure I wasn't batting on the wrong wicket xxx

[ravill]

Really, we all have some borderline traits.

We can even trigger them in ourselves if we don't watch it. And even if we do.

The difference is someone can tell YOU, "Hey, this behavior is not quite ok!" and you CAN self reflect and make a change. A reasonable change.

They don't have the ability for this.

And yes, I think your "Kat" is quite "messed up". It very well maybe BPD.

Cheating is such a hard lesson. Such a hard lesson.

It really hurts the cheater much more in the end.

[brownowl90]

All very true!

Of course I cheated myself, something I'm not proud of, but the difference was, I was honest about what I'd done, I hated that I'd hurt my ex, it came after years of unhappiness not so instant, the previous relationship was never so up and down, just stale on both sides, I never gloated or rubbed my exs face in it instead was as discreet as possible which was something that infuriated kat! I never lied, kat still insists she never cheated but just left cos she realised I wasn't the one for her cos I wasn't there for her? Apparantley the old friend bein on the scene before was just a co incidence and nothing happened till 4 months after she left!

[ravill]

Yes, changing and twisting the facts to make you feel insane. How well we know that tactic.

I am sorry for your pain man.

I hope I didn't make you feel too bad about the cheating thing.

I know that lesson. I hurt the most beautiful woman I ever met like that.

I feel that I have paid that debt many times over with my xBPDgf... .ugh... .

[Reneehsv]

It doesn't matter so much what label you stick on someone. It's more the behavior anyway. No matter what a professional would diagnose her with, if her behavior is such that a person can't live it, then it doesn't really matter what you call it.

I don't know if my exuBPDbf is actually BPD or not. But the behaviors were there. The behavior was such that I could no longer live with it. And that's what matters most IMO.

[brownowl90]

Thanks ravill, yeah sure feel like I got my karma and then some!

Rasheev I understand what your saying and agree! Suppose I just need someone to tell me there was nothin I could have done and I haven't let my family n kids down! Though I have with the attempt and am doing my best to make that up to them!

I suppose watchin to see if she follows the same pattern again will show me the answer!

Its certainly not normal that 8 months ago she was talkin of marraige another child and a new house with me, now she declaring undyin love for someone else and actin as if I don't exist!

[Reneehsv]

To me, it's definitely not normal for her to switch in 8 months like that. It's normal for a BPD though.

That I can tell, there is nothing more that you could've done. Especially if she is BPD, it wouldn't have mattered WHAT you did - it would never ever have been enough anyway. BPDs are like that - they make you prove your love on a higher and higher level until it's simply not provable anymore. No matter what you do, don't do, say or don't say. It's never enough.

[brownowl90]

Yeah I feel like I get that bit now, I don't think anybody will ever be enough for her!

She used to get angry at me for crazy things, reading the paper on a sunday for the football results! She fell out with me all the time for that? Not speaking to her on the phone when I was busy at work, I'd even explain why I couldn't, but to her it meant I didn't care! She would tell me to play football on a sunday morning, then ring me when I was just about to kick off and fall out with me cos she had nothing to do? Craziness

[Reneehsv]

Oh yeah - I know the work scenario very well. Same happened with me. But when I tried to make it a point to make time, then it wasn't long enough. Then I must obviously be too busy F'ing the boss to talk or something. See? It's never enough for them. No matter what you do.

"Play football. I didn't mean play football for hours. Don't play footall. You only played one hour, why?" And it's never ending cycles drain you. You literally can't win for losing. It's so tiring and so draining! Makes me wonder why I ever tried.

Good luck to you!

[RedRightHand]

My ex GF is BPD and many parts of your story are similar to ours. You will find that many BPD stories are similar in many ways.

Yeah I feel like I get that bit now, I don't think anybody will ever be enough for her!

She used to get angry at me for crazy things, reading the paper on a sunday for the football results! She fell out with me all the time for that? Not speaking to her on the phone when I was busy at work, I'd even explain why I couldn't, but to her it meant I didn't care! She would tell me to play football on a sunday morning, then ring me when I was just about to kick off and fall out with me cos she had nothing to do? Craziness

Sounds familiar... .calling at work-for them it's all me,me,me and general rules of decency like not wasting your employers time (they are paying you to do work) do not apply to BPDs. They just don't get it.

Then the no win situations like your football story. You can't win. BPDs are notorious for putting their SOs in these situations.

ps In your line of work, did you do assessments and write PIE or DAR notes?

[2idealistic]

Brownow:

Here's an example for you of an ex with lack of object constancy/fidelity that occurred in a matter of hours and with the most absurd or cruel ironies (just so that you'll know there are lots of BPDexes who display this wackiness, not just yours).

My ex and I went to a very nice hotel for a weekend after she dropped her kids off with her estranged husband for their weekend.  It was a hotel and locale that we enjoyed because many of the sites were places we'd first met and I had enjoyed her idealization phase of me.

On a raining Sunday afternoon we shopped together (or rather I shopped with and bought for her), including making the last stop before dinner, stopping in a very nice jewelry store to look at engagement rings, which she seemed really pleased about.

We actually took dinner back to the hotel, got drinks there, made love, watched tv (one of her favorite shows came on on Sunday nights) and I dozed off at around 11 p.m.  I awake to find her gone.  I go down to the lobby bar to find her sitting in a booth talking with another man--a stranger--and she couldn't understand my consternation.  This on the very evening that we looked at engagement rings.

She tried to explain it away by saying that she simply had to leave the room so that she wouldn't disturb me with a phone call (around midnight?) to her daughter (I later realized weeks later that the phone call was probably correct, but to the other man she'd had an affair with while we were committed to one another), and that the stranger in the bar had simply offered to buy her a drink because she "looked like [she] could use one" after an unpleasant phone conversation.  She had to stay, of course, to be polite, but she also wound up "counseling him about saving his marriage."  How magnanimous?

I explained to her (how ridiculous of me to attempt to explain anything) that a man buying her a drink in the bar wasn't buying marriage counseling services, and that furthermore, a woman alone in a bar after midnight wasn't giving a signal of her commitment either when her significant other was upstairs in bed in her room.

She decided that it was the "first time I've seen any jealousy or possessiveness in you" and "that bothers me."

I think about this and other absurd BPD behaviors that I let her explain away because of her unique ability to play the persona of the innocent or the victim.

[brownowl90]

Yeah me too mate! Guess I can just see that the new guy is gettin the kat I first met! That makes me so jealous its unbelievable, I've never been jealous in my life! I'm scared that the honeymoon with him will never end, not cos I want her back, just cos then it will feel like it was me that made her like that!

[brownowl90]

Red right hand

No mate I didn't, why u ask?

2 idealistic

That's harsh mate! I went through similiar things in the last weeks of our relationship! Prior to that she was the jealous one, I'd stopped really socialising with my friends cos it was more hassle than it was worth, but shed be jealous over my daughters mum whom I'd left for her and my work collegues which were all 50 years old and married, It was ridiculous, I'd have to ring her everytime I had a break, everyone at work found me unsociable cos I'd never share my cigarete breaks as I had to "check in"

How long have you both been out of your relationships and did they leave you? If so what happened to them next?

[RedRightHand]

May I message you directly with a reply to your questions?

You have my permission to message me with any questions you want.

[brownowl90]

Yes no problem!

[NIO]

I'm scared that the honeymoon with him will never end, not cos I want her back, just cos then it will feel like it was me that made her like that!

Don`t worry , the new honeymoon will be over in roughly the time it took for your`s to be done. It is a recurring theme, same as .

[brownowl90]

It truely is scary reading through some other stories how close to mine some are! I think I've found the right place to try and come to terms with what's happened! I think its been hard for my family n friends to really understand and of course her family n friends believe I'm an absolute looney!

[RedRightHand]

Their family and friends think we are looney because the BPD needs to paint us that way in order for them to look/feel good about what they do/did to us!

Our family and friends will never completely understand (despite their best intentions and attempts to understand) unless they've been through the same thing. That is one of the best things about this board... .you will find some people who do understand because they have been through the same thing.

I spent too much time talking to some about my situation and probably "burned them out". I do have one friend who has not been and will still talk to me about it, but that's only because he went through it too and does understand!

[brownowl90]

That's why I joined this site, my family and friends are great and have offered support but I can tell they are frustrated about why I can't move on and keep searching for answers and getting pulled back in! I'm determined this time to go total nc and let my parents deal with arrangements for my son! Ill just sit and wait till the circle goes round again and make sure I'm strong enough to be there for my son and not laugh to much at the new guy who thinks I'm a looney and kat who has laughed at my pain!

[brownowl90]

Does it make me selfish that I'm desperate for the same to happen to her new relationship? Just to rid myself of the guilt and rejection? I fear that if her new relationship blossoms and doesn't follow the BPD route ill have to live with the hurt and confusion forever!

[schwing]

hi brownowl90 and  

found this site cause ive been an emotional mess for 7 months and hoped somebody could read my story and give me some insight wether my ex is BPD and thats why my lifes been turned upside down!

None of us here can tell you if your ex has BPD or not, we're not professionals.  And even if some of us are professionals, this would not be the appropriate context in which to make that determination/diagnosis.  That said, I can share with you what I've learned about this disorder and try to relate it to some of what you've written.  And perhaps some of it might resonate with your experience and help make some sense out of the pain you've experienced.

Whether or not she has BPD, it is not your job to make that determination for her.  However, if understanding BPD helps you understand the evolution of your relationship; this may help you better cope with how you feel about your ex, and help you start putting your feet back on the ground.

... .my problem is the new guy she has ran to is a good friend of 10 years, she says she has always had feelings for him and is declaring that he is the love of her life and they were destined to be together, all his friends are her friends and vice versa, just all seems so perfect can't see how she will mess it up!  I find it unbelievable as 8 months ago we were talkin of marraige and having more children!

Now, consider, what kind of person would end a three year relationship, where only 8 months ago there was talk of  marriage and children, in order to pursue a relationship with a "good friend" of 10 years?  Not only is she throwing away a three year relationship midstream, but she is putting at risk a ten year "friendship."  And if it truly was a friendship all this time, what changed recently for her to be willing to put that relationship in jeopardy?  :)oes this not sound like a lot of impulsive behavior here?  :)oes it not sound like someone is following her feelings and really has no idea where her feelings are leading her?

How does someone go from talk of marriage and children with one person and in less than a year later finds the "love of her life" without any grief or loss to first contend with?  

... .How when I'm so heartbroken over the loss of my dreams and family can she already be so intense in a new relationship and basically treating our history as though it never happened! I confronted her a few weeks ago about how she used to say all the same things to me before she met him her reply was "you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince"

Let me rephrase this question: You asked about the reality of your relationship.  And she replied that she isn't concerned with reality, she is pursuing fantasy and magical thinking.  People who live in fantasy and delusion, do so in order to avoid.  I suspect your ex has much to avoid.

Has this guy got a chance of breaking her cycle cos he's known her and been friends so long or will this just accelerate the process?

Contrary to popular wishes, love alone does not conquer all.  It certainly cannot cure mental illness, otherwise why bother with all that study and research in the field of mental health?  Moreover, the question is not: Can he do what I could not do?  But rather, is her mental health now, materially different from her mental health before?

Consider this.  One of the criteria for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is: "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. "  If your ex suffers from BPD, your relationship is but a single example of such a "pattern."  Ask yourself, has your ex EVER reported having a relationship that ended amicably?  Where the other person was not subsequently described as a cad?  Even assuming no mental illness, would someone who had such consistently poor judgement in selecting partners (yourself excluded) suddenly be good at making such choices?

Then about 4 months later on a works night out we kissed, she declared she had been having the same feelings about me, i couldnt believe it, it seemed like id finaly met my soul mate, the one, the love of my life. I fought the feelings for 3 months, tried to stop wanting her, tried to distance myself and think of my family at home, i couldnt, i couldnt let this opportunity of true love pass me by! selfish i know, but i couldnt ever be happy again without her.

i left home, we moved in together, it was amazing, the sex, the laughs, all of it, every minute! i was getting into debt, my ex was heartbroken, i was only seeing my daughter once a week, but she made it all seem alright, we would get through it together! then 6 months into our relationship she fell pregnant, some mishap with antibiotics and the pill, she was distraught, she said she was too young to have a baby, she wanted a carear. we decided we couldnt go the termination route and we were so happy we could face anything together, but that when it started to change, reality, the honeymoon was over!

As I had mentioned in DG74's intro thread, people with BPD (pwBPD) have their fear of abandonment triggered particularly by feelings of intimacy.  This is why their relationships, at least initially, are so good.  In the beginning they think they've found someone who doesn't cause them to feel all their distorted and disordered feelings.  And what they fail to realize, is that ALL their relationships start this way.  Because in the beginning, there is zero intimacy.  For pwBPD, no intimacy, means no overwhelming fear that the other person will abandon them.  Granted they still have the fear, they just aren't feeling it sharply as they do when their relationships develop.

At the beginning of your relationship, you moved in together in a very short amount of time; she probably had you getting into debt in the effort to assuage her concern that you weren't serious (ie, might abandon her).  But their problem isn't that they keep picking people who leave them.  Their problem is that the more they love other people, the more they become overwhelmed by their disordered feelings that these people with leave them; the problem is in their head.

So when she got pregnant, and the prospect of being linked to you permanently showed up, things got too intimate for her in a big way.  And so the honeymoon ended.

... .i started to see the signs that she wasnt as perfect as she had led me believe, her father and 3 siblings had left when she was 11 leaving her to grow up with her mum and stepdad. she complained that she was the black sheep of the family, that nobody loved her, that her mum was embarrassing and dizzy, that her siblings and dad seen her as different. whenever i met the family i couldnt see it, but i seen the change in her, she would be distant from me, trying to impress them, whenever we would leave she would say "see i told you they dont care, did you here what my sister said?"

What you might have seen was an example of how pwBPD have "identity disturbances."  In my observation, who they are, depends on who they are around.  Moreover, that you found her perspective of her family inconsistent with your own evaluation, that might have been an example of how her perspective of those close to her can be wildly divergent (ie, idealization or devaluation) and unreliable, simply because she feels too close to them, too close to her family.

Also from being interested in my daughter she became jealous, with my daughter and regards my ex whenever i spoke to her, also jealous about me working with other woman, i put this all down to her pregnancy at first and just sat back as the placid person i am(was) and let it all pass over my head and tried to enjoy the good times, cos she would onstantly flick moods from one extreme to the other.

As I see it, if she is starting to become paranoid that you will leave her (imagined abandonment), then any competition for your affection becomes a risk of causing you to abandon her.  Also,"constantly flick moods" sounds like "affective instability" or emotional instability.

... .i did all i could, bought her a car for access to her friends, put the house up for sale and assured her i would live wherever she wanted! i couldnt do anything right, the sex stopped, the good times werent as often, but she still told me she loved me, still made me light up when i spoke to her.

You did all this because you were determined to prove to her that you were committed to her, that you would never leave her; and she was convinced that you would.  But nothing you could/can do can change how she felt/feels because her feelings are disordered in nature.  

... .i started asing about exs, her previous 2 boyfriends had been 2 year relationships, both starting fast, buying houses, moving in together, her getting bored and leaving, she assured me i was different, she never loved them but she did me, she had actually lived in 15 houses in 7 years moving from one problem to another.

"15 houses in 7 years"... .that sounds like quite an unstable time.  "getting board and leaving" sounds like a huge understatement.  "starting fast", moving in together, and becoming obligated to each other fiscally or otherwise, sounds like a lot of "instant" intimacy which became disposable intimacy.

Then came xmas, i wanted a good family xmas and a fresh new year, to build our family up, we both agreed to this, she said she loved me and wanted us to get married and have more children, so did i. then about a week before xmas she went out with her sister and returned a different person forever. she was secretive, uncaring, she stopped looking at me in the eyes, i became suspicious for the first time, i found out she had met some guy who was friends with her sisters boyfriend and eventually i discovered had been texting him, but just as "friends".

Something I have noticed about pwBPD, their efforts to avoid abandonment can become so intense, that often they choose to abandon us FIRST before they are abandoned.  Even if their perceived abandonment is imagined.  I remember my exuBPDgf did also profess her unending love for me even days before I was to never to see her again.  

... .we fell out boxing day morning and she refused to come to my parents and i went alone with the kids, it then became 7 months of arguin, her saying she wasnt happy but loved me, then she didnt love me and i wasnt the one for her, that id changed and didnt appreciate her? i was desperate clinging for her to save our family. she was a different person but i just wanted the old kat back. the more i pushed the more she moved away, went to live with her mum, then into emergency housing, would go out whenever i had our son and turn her phone off!

Their reasons and their perspective always change in order to accommodate their changing emotions and their fragile psyche.  People with BPD (pwBPD) cannot accept that their own choices might be selfish, because to admit to themselves that they might exhibit negative traits might cause them to devalue themselves (ie, splitting behavior).  They need to be "perfect" in their own minds in order to preserve their psyche.  And often that means they need to re-write their internal history to make themselves the perpetual victim.

You say "she was a different person."  PwBPD have "identity disturbances" such that who they are is dependent upon who they are with (or attached to).

since i found out this my hurt anger confusion etc has pushed me so low that i 3 weeks ago attemted an overdose, on awaking in hospital my first questions were if kat had been, my family said they had let her no but she was out with her friends, she never even checked on me for 3 days!

Please don't ever consider ending your life again.  You have a son who depends upon you.  His mother may be incapable of putting his emotional and physical needs ahead of her own.  Consider reading in the [L4] Coping with BPD parents forum to get a taste of what his life with her as a mother will be like.

Anyway I hope some of what I have written is helpful to you.

Best wishes, Schwing

[brownowl90]

Thanks scwhing

A lot of what you say makes sense! I just feel my future and sanity are all dependant on what happens with this new guy, if it goes the same way as our relationship I feel like I will be comforted by the fact it was the illness and not me! On the other hand if they remain blissfully happy for years to come then ill live with this guilt pain and confusion forever!

[schwing]

... .I just feel my future and sanity are all dependant on what happens with this new guy, if it goes the same way as our relationship I feel like I will be comforted by the fact it was the illness and not me!

Well hold on just a second.  Why does your future and sanity depend upon the outcome of someone else's relationship?  A relationship that has little or nothing to do with you?  

First of all, that just doesn't make any sense.  Why would ANYONE's future and sanity depend upon the outcome of someone else's relationship?  Oh... perhaps you are still uncertain as to your ex's ACTUAL mental health.  So in order for you to TRUELY believe that she suffers from borderline personality disorder, you need to see this happen to someone else.

Is it not enough that the development of your relationship demonstrates a clear expression of this disorder?  :)o you not trust the validity and the dysfunction that occurred in your relationship?  Or are you having such a hard enough time dealing with the aftermath of your relationship that you wish to defer your recover by focusing on something completely outside of your recovery?

Because it sounds a little bit like you are putting your responsibility, your "future and sanity," on someone else's shoulders.  This is your burden.  You must carry it.  And you must resolve it.  Time will help.  But what you do with that time can either help the process or hinder it.

On the other hand if they remain blissfully happy for years to come then ill live with this guilt pain and confusion forever!

How will you know that they are "blissfully happy"?  You WERE blissfully happy with her.  It didn't last.  Are you so concerned that it will last with the other guy?  That suddenly she will be cured and you missed your boat?  

Are you going to depend upon what your exgirlfriend puts on her facebook page?   Are you going to depend upon what you can gleam from other people's conversation about her before you can decide if you have the willingness to take care of yourself?  Will you hire private investigators?  :)o you understand what stalking means?

You must consider that you falling into a common pitfall when dealing with the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  The pain and suffering is great.  And obsessive behavior that has nothing to do with your recovery is in fact a means of AVOIDING that pain and suffering (not very much different that from using drugs or alcohol, TO AVOID).  The more you focus on what happens to her and her boyfriend, means the less you focus on yourself and your pain.  I can understand that what you are feeling is very painful and difficult to face.  But not facing it, will not help you deal with it, will not help you recover from it.  In fact, by not facing it, you will only defer the pain and suffering you are enduring; it will only extend the process of your recover.  And it can extended for years or decades if that's what it takes, I know this first hand.

This is the same conundrum that your ex faces.  By not facing her mental illness, she does not deal with it, and can never hope to recover from it.  And therefore she dooms herself to continue to live with her problem for how long?  I'll tell you what her delusion is: "until she can find the 'right' man."  :)o you see why that kind of "logic" will prevent her from ever getting better?  :)o you see how you must change your "logic" in order to get better?

You are getting but a taste of what she deals with.  She avoids her pain by finding new relationships, new fantasies and delusions to pin all her future hopes and wishes.  Will you avoid your recovery by pinning your future and your sanity on the outcome of a relationship that has nothing to do with you?

I hope you realize soon that your future and sanity is for you to deal with.  Because taking care of oneself in the aftermath of a BPD relationship is already pretty difficult to do.  It would be all the more difficult, if you fail to do it because you are too preoccupied with what happens in someone's relationship.