He contacted my mother & is making stuff up.

[Mgn]

I broke up with my BPDxbf over a year ago.

Today he contacted my mother on facebook, telling her to stop contacting his family because they want nothing to do with her, etc. She has done nothing of the sort. So, my mother called up his mom (who he still lives with) to see what he's been telling them. His mother flipped out, saying "oh you contact both my sons all the time" and "we're going to get a restraining order if you don't stop it" and "your family is ruining our lives" etc.

We've not contacted them for an extremely long time. This could potentially turn into a legal battle that we don't have any place in.

It's been over a year since we've broken up. He's three thousand miles away and I still feel terrified of him, like he's going to come back and ruin my life all over again and I feel like such a horrible person for letting this even happen in the first place. If I hadn't dated him and brought him into my family's house, none of this would have ever happened. I don't know what to do or where to go. help me please.

[Mgn]

UPDATE: They just called the ___ing police on us.

help help help help

i am terrified

[Mgn]

ANOTHER UPDATE: His mother claimed to the police that she has no idea who we are and we're randomly harassing them.

?

[clean slate]

Take a deep breath, and another, and then another.  Keep remembering to breath. 

Remind yourself as often as you need to that he cannot harm you.  You are far away from him.  You are safe.

And when you are able, cooperate with the police and tell them the truth as you know it to be.  Encourage them to check your phone records and your computer records so they can see for themselves that you (or your mother) have not been in contact with that family.  Let the police know you have nothing to hide.

I can imagine you feel scared right now.  Anything in particular we can help you with to get you through this?

[Mgn]

I just thought it was all over. Like, I thought when he moved back to California that I'd never have to deal with his crap again.

I am concerned that he will coerce his friends over here into doing something to my family - torching my house or killing my pets.

I'm also concerned that he will continue to make false claims, because the police told my mother that if they get another complaint they will arrest her, and we simply do not have the money for legal fees.

Why do you think he would do this? It was so random...

[Runningasfastasican]

One thing to consider to help protect yourself and family... is to change all phone numbers... .so no unwanted calls can come your way and to under no circumstances contact any member of his family even in response to outrageous allegations... .contact the phone company to see if they can start issuing you itemised bills so that you can present them to any officers that actually come to your residence to investigate any allegations and lastly and most importantly... .something to consider... .in my neck of the woods... "Harassing phone calls" can be constued as a misdemeanor offense titled "Harassing Communications"... it is considered a misdemeanor... in order to prosecute it, a person needs to sign warrants in their home jurisdiction... .for example, if I were harassing someone over the phone who lived three states away from me... if they were to press charges against me in their home state... .no one is going to logistically come to my state and home to serve a misdemeanor warrant and arrest me or to extradite me to that state to answer it... .I guess it could mean that I want to stay out of that state or town... .but logistically no law enforcement agencies are going to do it over a nusence violation... .One thing that might ease your mind is to look up the criminal code in your area to find out just what violation that you have to worry about, to even know if this threat has any teeth... .it may actually be the equivalent of those debt collectors who claim to have the ability to put you in jail if you don't pay... .they really dont have that power but will say so to make someone cough up some money... .so try to calm yourself and educate yourself about the actual facts of the matter... .and I would still reccommend the number change and the itemised bills because it will be good piece of mind... .take care and good luck

[JoannaK]

The police believe his family?

Does your mother know not to look at anything regarding his family... .not to contact them in any shape, size, or form?  Did she ask the police that she talked to how she can protect herself against these false accusation?  If not, perhaps she can go down to the police station and see if they have a community advocate (or something like it) who can give her some pointers as to avoiding them. 

I guess I don't understand why your mother responded to the complaints threats by calling his mom.  Did she really think that was a good idea, mgn?

Don't worry about why he is doing this (or they are).  Worry about making sure you are protecting yourselves and handling any future contact appropriately.

[Mgn]

The police believe his family?

Does your mother know not to look at anything regarding his family... .not to contact them in any shape, size, or form?  Did she ask the police that she talked to how she can protect herself against these false accusation?  If not, perhaps she can go down to the police station and see if they have a community advocate (or something like it) who can give her some pointers as to avoiding them. 

I guess I don't understand why your mother responded to the complaints threats by calling his mom.  Did she really think that was a good idea, mgn?

Don't worry about why he is doing this (or they are).  Worry about making sure you are protecting yourselves and handling any future contact appropriately.

The message that my ex sent my mother specifically told her, "If you have a problem with me, you need to call me or my mother." She's a very direct person. There's no way she would have let that message pass unnoticed. She was hoping to find out what my ex had been saying, but all she said was "You and the rest of your family need to leave us alone. If you contact us again, we will file harassment."

And yeah, she knows not to look at anything regarding his family or to contact them - she doesn't want to look at their things or contact them. They put her through a lot and she wants nothing to do with them and hadn't spoken to them in months before the phone call last night. The same goes for me.

The message my ex sent was extremely out-of-nowhere and a total fabrication, which is why I'm so confused right now.

We talked to the police today and were basically told to document it if they contact us again. If they call the police again, they'll have to sign a sworn affidavit, and we'll have to provide phone/email/Facebook records which will clearly show that no contact has taken place from our end. In that case, his family will be brought up on charges of filing a false report.

[2010]

The message that my ex sent my mother specifically told her, "If you have a problem with me, you need to call me or my mother." She's a very direct person. There's no way she would have let that message pass unnoticed. She was hoping to find out what my ex had been saying, but all she said was "You and the rest of your family need to leave us alone. If you contact us again, we will file harassment."

Mgn, Am I understanding that you are a minor? (I seem to remember reading on a post that you were 17. If you're not 17, then forgive me. The following is geared toward a Mother/daughter dynamic)

When I read some of your posts, I think you are very mature, extremely centered and capable. In one response you wrote, "This could potentially turn into a legal battle that we don't have any place in." That's very true. It's also very sad and could have been prevented easily.  That's why I need to agree with JoannaK about your Mother's involvement in this. She (Your Mother) is not acting with appropriate boundaries and choosing to involve you, a minor, and herself, an adult, in unnecessary, ridiculous drama- with people *across* the country that could easily be blocked on facebook.

Bad behaviors by people can be scary, especially if they live right next door. But Bad behaviors by people that live far away and contact electronically can be nipped in the bud so they do not affect your life further.

The appropriate responses to bad behaviors (that cannot be resolved) are ignoring, shunning and basically looking ahead while leaving the bad behavior (and the people who do it) behind... .No contact solves everything and allows you to move ahead unencumbered by bad behavior.

It doesn't mean that the person who is doing the bad behaviors is going to stop doing the bad behaviors. It doesn't mean that the person can be controlled or corrected - it means that you control yourself, detach yourself and then let go of the outcome. If there is a smear campaign, so be it.  The only way to handle a smear campaign is to rise above it and do not react to it. Reacting only gets you caught further in the bad behavior.

Your Mother needs to understand this. You also need to understand this about your Mother's choice to react. You say "she's a very direct person, There's no way she would have let that message pass unnoticed." - then you need to start placing boundaries between you and your Mother right now. There will be a time when you are a legal adult- and your Mother's reactions will lead you into drama- it's at that point that you will no longer be a minor and will be held accountable for your following her lead.

Please start by detaching from this current drama and telling your Mother you dont wish to be involved anymore.

[Mgn]

The message that my ex sent my mother specifically told her, "If you have a problem with me, you need to call me or my mother." She's a very direct person. There's no way she would have let that message pass unnoticed. She was hoping to find out what my ex had been saying, but all she said was "You and the rest of your family need to leave us alone. If you contact us again, we will file harassment."

Mgn, Am I understanding that you are a minor? (I seem to remember reading on a post that you were 17. If you're not 17, then forgive me. The following is geared toward a Mother/daughter dynamic)

When I read some of your posts, I think you are very mature, extremely centered and capable. In one response you wrote, "This could potentially turn into a legal battle that we don't have any place in." That's very true. It's also very sad and could have been prevented easily.  That's why I need to agree with JoannaK about your Mother's involvement in this. She (Your Mother) is not acting with appropriate boundaries and choosing to involve you, a minor, and herself, an adult, in unnecessary, ridiculous drama- with people *across* the country that could easily be blocked on facebook.

Bad behaviors by people can be scary, especially if they live right next door. But Bad behaviors by people that live far away and contact electronically can be nipped in the bud so they do not affect your life further.

The appropriate responses to bad behaviors (that cannot be resolved) are ignoring, shunning and basically looking ahead while leaving the bad behavior (and the people who do it) behind... .No contact solves everything and allows you to move ahead unencumbered by bad behavior.

It doesn't mean that the person who is doing the bad behaviors is going to stop doing the bad behaviors. It doesn't mean that the person can be controlled or corrected - it means that you control yourself, detach yourself and then let go of the outcome. If there is a smear campaign, so be it.  The only way to handle a smear campaign is to rise above it and do not react to it. Reacting only gets you caught further in the bad behavior.

Your Mother needs to understand this. You also need to understand this about your Mother's choice to react. You say "she's a very direct person, There's no way she would have let that message pass unnoticed." - then you need to start placing boundaries between you and your Mother right now. There will be a time when you are a legal adult- and your Mother's reactions will lead you into drama- it's at that point that you will no longer be a minor and will be held accountable for your following her lead.

Please start by detaching from this current drama and telling your Mother you dont wish to be involved anymore.

I'm 19 now - the relationship happened when I was 17 - but I live with my parents at the moment because I'm home for summer vacation from college.

I'm really confused as to why people are reacting like my mother's a dramatic ridiculous person. She received a very vicious and vaguely threatening message contaning a 100% false accusation that could cause a lot of problems with a family that she (or me or my father) hasn't talked to in a really long time. She wants nothing to do with these people and all she did was call them and tell them not to contact her ever again. The call lasted a whole ten seconds and was quite calm considering the circumstances.

I realize that the appropriate response is to ignore it, which is what I did. She was going to write back to him - I told her not to, because it will just give him the attention he wants. I agree that calling was probably not the best reaction, but I probably would have done the same thing when faced with 100% false accusations that could turn into a hurricane of court cases, restraining orders, and fines.

(Plus we were informed by the police that if you call someone and tell them to not contact you anymore, you can pursue things legally if they contact you again, which this family is very likely to do.)

It's not really that she's involving me, it's more that I choose to be involved in some capacity. My mother received a message from my ex, and I feel like it's all my fault that this crap is happening. It's not anyone making me feel that way but myself. So if I can help or fix in any way, I feel that's my responsibility, because if I never dated this guy in the first place none of this would have happened. I hate myself more than I can even explain for putting my family through that.

The capacity to which I am involved is quite small - I haven't spoken to him in months, and I didn't contact him after sending that message, although I will admit I was very tempted. My mother is the one that received the message and she is the one who handled it the way she saw fit. All I did was print out the message as proof in case it is ever needed.

As for blocking him on Facebook, we can't - he deleted his profile and when he makes a new one, it will take us forever to find out who he is, because he never uses his real name. He's one step ahead all the time.

But all that aside, my main point in this whole thing is that my family has been NC with his family for a long time now. I am concerned because they are making things up - saying that our family calls them all the time, harasses them, etc. This stuff is just plainly not true. Phone records, email records, IM records, Facebook records, and text message records will indicate that we have not contacted them like they're saying we have. We have nothing to hide.

The problem is that they have the upper hand, because everyone's always more likely to take the side of people claiming that they're being harassed.

I'm confused as to why this is even happening. This was out of the blue, totally completely out of nowhere. It's a lie, all of it, and I feel like there is nothing we can do about it. We have to walk on eggshells from thousands of miles away.

[Mgn]

I'm sorry if that last message sounded mean at all, I'm just really stressed right now. The whole thing is wearing on me. I just thought it was all over.

[ForeverDad]

Wow.  Sorry to hear this. :'(  There's not much you can do except keep your distance in every way possible.  Obviously there's projection going on, he contacts her, triggering a call, then your family is set up to be blamed for harassment.

If there is a next time, there may be a need for a response from a lawyer listing the contact event, stating that you and your family want no further contact with them.  Lawyers are allowed to do things you could get blamed for because they're trained to do things the officially correct way and, to the extent possible, somewhat impartial.

It may shut them up for good... .or not.  That's out of your control.  But besides the other option to call that police department back and report their uninvited contact, that's about all you can risk doing.