Engagement Party for Mutual Friends - Need Advice Please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,

I have been NC with former uBPD girlfriend for 4 months and initially found it very very tough, although I haven't posted here much, when i was in difficulty I could always find a thread here that I could relate to which helped me out alot. I haven't heard from her in about 2 months when I got a text message at 3am saying "are you ever going to talk to me again, I'm miserable when we are not talking" although tempted I didn't respond and am happy I didn't, that was the last I heard.

About 1 month ago I started dating someone else which I wasn't sure was a good idea at the time but i am still with her and it's going pretty good although it's very weird being with someone who treats you right and actually makes you feel good. I'm still very guarded after my last experience which she has picked up on but I've explained I've come out of a messy relationship and am still a bit fragile. I've explained this to her without mentioning BPD just saying it was a relationship that was never quite right and it ended badly. She accepts this and is very understanding, I am slowly forgetting about my BPD and am excited about the fresh start I can have with my new girlfriend. Now here is the problem... .

My best friend and the BPD's best friend have just got engaged (they met through us), they are planning an engagement party shortly, I really have to attend as I will probably be best man at the wedding, the BPD will definitely be there as she will definitely by a bridesmaid. Our friends know the relationship ended badly and that I don't want to speak to her now or in the future, but there is nothing they can really do as they are stuck in the middle, they know nothing about BPD either.

My new girlfriend knows who my ex BPD is and I can't go to the party without bringing my new girlfriend. I haven't seen my ex BPD in 4 months and I don't know how I'm going to react/feel when I see her. I've just got a feeling of dread in my stomach and I'm not sure how to handle the whole situation. Never mind the actual wedding which is 18 months away Thank God! Help Required! Thanks in Advance

[AdamC]

Hello Everyone,

I have been NC with former uBPD girlfriend for 4 months and initially found it very very tough, although I haven't posted here much, when i was in difficulty I could always find a thread here that I could relate to which helped me out alot. I haven't heard from her in about 2 months when I got a text message at 3am saying "are you ever going to talk to me again, I'm miserable when we are not talking" although tempted I didn't respond and am happy I didn't, that was the last I heard.

About 1 month ago I started dating someone else which I wasn't sure was a good idea at the time but i am still with her and it's going pretty good although it's very weird being with someone who treats you right and actually makes you feel good. I'm still very guarded after my last experience which she has picked up on but I've explained I've come out of a messy relationship and am still a bit fragile. I've explained this to her without mentioning BPD just saying it was a relationship that was never quite right and it ended badly. She accepts this and is very understanding, I am slowly forgetting about my BPD and am excited about the fresh start I can have with my new girlfriend. Now here is the problem... .

My best friend and the BPD's best friend have just got engaged (they met through us), they are planning an engagement party shortly, I really have to attend as I will probably be best man at the wedding, the BPD will definitely be there as she will definitely by a bridesmaid. Our friends know the relationship ended badly and that I don't want to speak to her now or in the future, but there is nothing they can really do as they are stuck in the middle, they know nothing about BPD either.

My new girlfriend knows who my ex BPD is and I can't go to the party without bringing my new girlfriend. I haven't seen my ex BPD in 4 months and I don't know how I'm going to react/feel when I see her. I've just got a feeling of dread in my stomach and I'm not sure how to handle the whole situation. Never mind the actual wedding which is 18 months away Thank God! Help Required! Thanks in Advance

[2010]

I can't go to the party without bringing my new girlfriend.

Really?

[AdamC]

Well yes because she will know that the party is on as she has my met my friend and knows he got engaged, I could lie and not mention the party but we all live in the same area and she will find out from other friends.Then she will wonder why I didn't ask her and I don't want to not bring her just cause my ex BPD is going to be there and I don't want to lie to her.

[justwantout]

I don't see anything wrong with taking the new gf, as long as its for the right reasons, i.e. because you want her there to enjoy her company, not to prove you've moved on to the ex.  Know what I mean.  Just remember you are in control, if the situation demands an introduction do the polite into's and move on, I wouldn't engage ANY conversation beyond that.  Don't let her have the power over you to ruin an otherwise happy evening for you and friends that you care about. 

[ravill]

How about the truth?

You dated awoman who has you feel very uncomfortable being around. She was abusive to you, belittled you and just left you with a sense of "ugh"-ness.

You just don't feel like its the right thing to do right now.

I bet if you explain to your friends that you think it is too soon and give them a bottle of champagne and I'm SURE your BEST friend will understand that.

I wish I could be NC for a month. I wish my ExuBPD/fiance/whatever could be civil to me. If she could, I would still be with her I suppose.

[AdamC]

Thank you both,

If i brought her, it wouldn't be too show my ex BPD that I've moved on, it would be because I want her there as my girlfriend to celebrate the occasion with all my friends. I don't want to make ex BPD jealous or anything like that because i don't want to get back with her ever. I just want her out of my life and don't want to see her, as i'm afraid if I do it'll stir up old feelings that I don't want and this might cause problems with new g/f if she picks up on it.

If I explain to my friend that it's too soon and don't go he will probably understand but then is she not still contolling what I do? Also my new g/f will wonder why I'm not going and will guess it's because of ex-BPD which would make her think that I still have feelings for ex-BPD which I don't want. And if she thought that would she not be right even if they are feelings of anger? ?

[ravill]

Let's reverse this situation.

Let's say your new GF has this engagement party to go to and she approaches you with that she is still uncomfortable being around her ex because he was abusive, belitting, mean, etc... .

Would you understand?

Would you think she still "wanted" him?

[AdamC]

That is a good point and you're right when I look at like that. However (sorry I'm not trying to find problems honestly )

If I tell my friend it's too soon and don't go his fiance(BPD's best friend) will ask why I'm not there, he will tell her and she will probably tell ex-BPD and she will know that she still has a hold on me somehow.? Even if she doesn't tell her, ex-BPD will think it very strange I'm not there and will figure it out for herself, If that makes sense. Ex-BPD knows I'm in a new relationship I'd say as I'm guessing her best friend (fiance) would have told her.

Also if i feel anger towards ex-BPD should I even be in a new relationship, good and all as it is going?

[ravill]

Hey man, you make a good point.

Maybe you can just ask your friend to tell people that you "just couldn't make it".

No excuses, no explanations.

I know I COULDN'T be in the same room as my ex if we weren't in communication. It would be too unsettling for me.

[AdamC]

This is a mess.

"couldn't make it" just wouldn't wash with anybody there as then all my friends would figure out it is because of ex-BPD, they all know about our on/off relationship and that i ended it because i was fed up of the messing around and they all know i had strong feelings for her at the time.

I think I have to go and bring the new g/f and try and put on one hell of a show even if I'm feeling like exploding inside. Bloody dreading it though.

[ravill]

Dude, we've got your back man. 

Whatever you decide, I'll support you man and know you did the best you could.

Good luck!

[AdamC]

Cheers Buddy, I'll let you know how it pans out, let's hope there are no dramas, have had enough of them for one lifetime!