How do you finally END IT and LEAVE?

[Blythe1976]

I started out posting on "Undecided," then on "Staying," and while I'm not 100% ready for the "Leaving" board, I can already feel myself mentally preparing for the inevitable. But I'm still in the FOG, and I'd like to hear from other non-BPs here about how you finally left your BPD partners. Right now, I can't imagine any kind of future with my BPDh. I can't even imagine another MONTH with him. But I also can't imagine just leaving him. I did that once for 6 weeks, and it actually got him into a doctor's office to at least get on some meds (Seroquel—no longer working since he smokes so much pot and stays up until 5, 6, 7am, then sleeps until 4, 5, 6pm), but since we got married four months ago, his behavior has been an almost Jim Morrison-like freefall to self-destruction.

So, how did you all END IT and LEAVE?

Did you write a letter/email?

Did you talk face to face with your BPD to explain why you were leaving them?

Did you simply leave w/o explanation and go NC?

And how did your respective BPDs respond?

I would really appreciate hearing some of your stories... .I know I have to exit this marriage... .I just don't know where to begin... .

-Blythe

[aim4hope]

Blythe,

I think first of all you need to be in the mindset that this pwBPD does not have the capacity to love in a normal and healthy way.  I filed for D almost 4 years ago but chickened out because behaviors became too scary and I didn't have an exit plan.  In that time, I trained for a new job.  Behaviors that have ensued since 4 years ago have intensifed toward the negative, convincing me further that stbxh was never going to do the work needed to be done when he could just lul in blame toward somebody else (ME).  In that time up until recent filing for D I had to make a commitment to myself not to be weak and give in.  Make a plan.  Only you know what is right for you.

[left4good]

I had to have a "deal breaker"!  When it happened and I knew that I had proof,  an argument ensued while she was away from the house one morning.   Anger set in and I moved my stuff out.

She knew that i was aware of what she was doing and where she was.  She didn't need an explanation for why,  she just came home to an empty house.

[Bish]

Hi Blythe,

Thought I'd share my story, hope it helps in some small way... .

I was with my uBPD ex-partner for four years. After the first 6 months I realised quite how miserable I was, but would still adamantly deny that I would ever leave/abandon her no matter how bad it got. Martyr complex? Major Rescuer? Probably both to be honest. Either way I found myself stuck in a relationship where my self esteem, confidence and self worth were gradually being eroded. And in such an insiduous way I didn't even realise that it was happening.

It still reduces me to stunned silence that I would ever have put up with being treated that way! But I think we get to the point where we think it's normal. I can assure you it really is very far removed from healthy social interaction and intimacy... .

How did I leave? Well for two years I thought about it, planned it, thought about it some more, now and then managed to tell her I was fed up with the way she treated me... .then she'd completely change her behaviour for about a week and like an addicted gambler I kept waiting for the next pay out of love and affection (few and far between!).

By the beginning of this year my close friends were despairing of my inability to escape the situation and care about myself for once, they kept offering me a bed, a place to stay, help moving etc. I even started talking about leaving her with my counsellor, and felt guilty every time I mentioned it. Even then, every time they pushed me for action, I would start inexplicably defending her behaviour, and claiming that I just wasn't ready to make that big a decision yet, it was too hard, too everything etc. truth be told I was petrified she would kill herself, she had threatened it too many times to count!

Then one night, Thursday the 11th February, I met a close friend (whom I've known for over 20 years) for coffee straight after work. I got ranting about my toxic relationship for the umpteenth time. We were strollling along the south bank (London) and I started crying, feeling so damn sorry for myself... .

My friend stopped walking, spun me round so she could look right in my eyes, and said, "My friend Bish is a wonderful, caring, strong, compassionate woman who has been there for me through thick and thin. I have laughed with her, cried with her, felt joy and sadness with her. I love her because of who she is, and because I love her I treat her with caring, affection, compassion and thoughtfulness, because anything else would just be wrong. Tell me, where is there one iota of the same thing in your relationship with ****, because if I treat you like that because I'm your friend... .how dare she give you anything less as your partner?"

And I swear to God it was like a veil lifted off my eyes. I cried my frickin eyes out, in public, on a busy footpath . And some of my self worth crept back in... .not enough, I thought, to actually leave yet though. When I parted ways with my friend at the underground station she asked me if she should leave her phone on that night just in case, I remember laughing and saying give me a while, I've only just had the ephiphany!

When I got home my ex started in on me immediately, I tried for two hours too sort it and validate her like I always did, having been used to this treatment for years whenever I walked in the door. And then my friends words drifted back into my mind, and something snapped inside. Snapped is probably the wrong word actually, it's more like something soldified, strengthened, burst into life... .*sigh* it's really hard to describe. But basically I realised I deserved better - I was a good person, I was lovable - and my life was never going to be any different unless I finally did something about it. So I told her how I felt and that I was leaving her, and I left... .(ok, it took 7 hours, the police, 2 ambulancemen and getting her sectioned... .but still, I did leave the same night!).

I've never looked back, I am soo happy and I am treated well by everyone around me... .friends, family, work colleagues, my new girlfriend   ... .and I have made a rock solid promise to myself to never again forget that I am worth being treated well and kindly, anyone who comes into my life who is toxic gets turned around and told to leave again!

Sorry if that was a bit of a novel

Bishy x

[PhoenixBorn]

Hi

I had so many break ups with my pwBPD I can't remember how many!  I think each time I lost a little more hope and gained a little more enlightenment.  My partner sought help and attended therapy after a split.  The reality is she didn't want help it was just a means to an end - to keep me in the relationship.  Eventually I hit rock bottom, I just couldn't cope with the insanity anymore it was making me ill.  The last straw was nothing more than had been occuring before, it was myself who knew I just couldn't continue to endure the life of hell.  I still miss my x, I still love the person I thought she was in the begining but realise this was just an illusion, she was trying to be who I wanted her to be until she couldn't hide her 'real' self any longer.  So you have to search within yourself and find the strength to say 'I really am worth more than this, nothing can be worse than staying!'

It is unlikely your partner is going to change - really you only have to read the boards on here to gain an insight.  May I also add that the only way your partner is perhaps ever going to seek help is if they too reach rock bottom and realise nobody is ever going to put up with their c**p.  Keep reading, keep posting, there are many people here who want to help and will listen because they know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.

Phoenix

[redrover]

I started out posting on "Undecided," then on "Staying," and while I'm not 100% ready for the "Leaving" board, I can

So, how did you all END IT and LEAVE?

well, I HAD been secretively planning, but in the end my BPD ex beat me to the punch.She had opened a returned letter from ME to my daughter- and in the letter it stated ( by me) I was done with her BPD , and looking to see a lawyer etc, to leave BPD... .she lost it, freaked out , wrecked my house, grabbed all she could over the course of 4 days ( I was hiding out at this point as she scared thecrap out of me and my kids)  I stayed awy for 3 weeks, from MY home, hid out, got a NC order served on her, then finally scred to death we went home... .

Did you write a letter/email?

Not to her... .

Did you talk face to face with your BPD to explain why you were leaving them?

NO WAY, I knew this was not an option, she was too insatble, volatile and violent... .

Did you simply leave w/o explanation and go NC?

in a way yes... .anytime I had brought the idea of us seperatign up, she would become very dysregulated and violent, and I knew this was not an option .

And how did your respective BPDs respond?

LIke I mentioned above- vandalised MY home, stole MY car ( I had it towed back ) took a ton ot items that were not hers, cleaned out all that she could from the home - including WII that belonged to my kids, appliances, dvd's cd's, blankets, towels, spice rack, dinner platescheese, laundry soap, my bird feeders- to mention a few of the bizarre items she snathced... .

I would really appreciate hearing some of your stories... .I know I have to exit this marriage... .I just don't know where to begin... .

-Blythe

[Freckles14]

Lucky for me, I am not married to my ex, but I have been through 2 divorces so I know how difficult the decision is - especially if you feel any form of "guilt". (which you should not,btw)

I think you will know when you are ready to know and not a moment before. Until you see things clearly, for what they really are, you will not be able to make a decision.

It took me years of abuse before I finally said to myself, who am I and what the hell am I doing here? Those were the questions that set me free.

I wish you the best of luck. 

[have gone nc]

My ex done her usual when i went away for a couple of days to visit my dad and text me she was contacting men on facebook, which as usual made me come home early. Then she came over and lied so obviously to my face and when i pulled her up on it she lied again about the lie... .i had wanted to get out for such a long time but was pulled back in everytime with fake promises, promises of therapy and her claims of undying love for me. This time something just clicked in me and i said " enough is enough " and when she tried to cuddle and kiss me to let me know everything was okay i just pushed her away and took her arse home! I knew there and then that if i didnt follow this through id be sucked back in and back to phoning my parents everyday telling them how bad things were. Im still struggling sometimes now with the decision but deep deep deep down i know long term my life will be 100 times better than if she was in it. oh and get this, she recently told someone i know that our reason for splitting is that i was a " control freak " ha ha ha ha ha ha 

[Blythe1976]

Hi Blythe,

Thought I'd share my story, hope it helps in some small way... .

I was with my uBPD ex-partner for four years. After the first 6 months I realised quite how miserable I was, but would still adamantly deny that I would ever leave/abandon her no matter how bad it got. Martyr complex? Major Rescuer? Probably both to be honest. Either way I found myself stuck in a relationship where my self esteem, confidence and self worth were gradually being eroded. And in such an insiduous way I didn't even realise that it was happening.

It still reduces me to stunned silence that I would ever have put up with being treated that way! But I think we get to the point where we think it's normal. I can assure you it really is very far removed from healthy social interaction and intimacy... .

How did I leave? Well for two years I thought about it, planned it, thought about it some more, now and then managed to tell her I was fed up with the way she treated me... .then she'd completely change her behaviour for about a week and like an addicted gambler I kept waiting for the next pay out of love and affection (few and far between!).

By the beginning of this year my close friends were despairing of my inability to escape the situation and care about myself for once, they kept offering me a bed, a place to stay, help moving etc. I even started talking about leaving her with my counsellor, and felt guilty every time I mentioned it. Even then, every time they pushed me for action, I would start inexplicably defending her behaviour, and claiming that I just wasn't ready to make that big a decision yet, it was too hard, too everything etc. truth be told I was petrified she would kill herself, she had threatened it too many times to count!

Then one night, Thursday the 11th February, I met a close friend (whom I've known for over 20 years) for coffee straight after work. I got ranting about my toxic relationship for the umpteenth time. We were strollling along the south bank (London) and I started crying, feeling so damn sorry for myself... .

My friend stopped walking, spun me round so she could look right in my eyes, and said, "My friend Bish is a wonderful, caring, strong, compassionate woman who has been there for me through thick and thin. I have laughed with her, cried with her, felt joy and sadness with her. I love her because of who she is, and because I love her I treat her with caring, affection, compassion and thoughtfulness, because anything else would just be wrong. Tell me, where is there one iota of the same thing in your relationship with ****, because if I treat you like that because I'm your friend... .how dare she give you anything less as your partner?"

And I swear to God it was like a veil lifted off my eyes. I cried my frickin eyes out, in public, on a busy footpath . And some of my self worth crept back in... .not enough, I thought, to actually leave yet though. When I parted ways with my friend at the underground station she asked me if she should leave her phone on that night just in case, I remember laughing and saying give me a while, I've only just had the ephiphany!

When I got home my ex started in on me immediately, I tried for two hours too sort it and validate her like I always did, having been used to this treatment for years whenever I walked in the door. And then my friends words drifted back into my mind, and something snapped inside. Snapped is probably the wrong word actually, it's more like something soldified, strengthened, burst into life... .*sigh* it's really hard to describe. But basically I realised I deserved better - I was a good person, I was lovable - and my life was never going to be any different unless I finally did something about it. So I told her how I felt and that I was leaving her, and I left... .(ok, it took 7 hours, the police, 2 ambulancemen and getting her sectioned... .but still, I did leave the same night!).

I've never looked back, I am soo happy and I am treated well by everyone around me... .friends, family, work colleagues, my new girlfriend   ... .and I have made a rock solid promise to myself to never again forget that I am worth being treated well and kindly, anyone who comes into my life who is toxic gets turned around and told to leave again!

Sorry if that was a bit of a novel

Bishy x

WOW, Bish. That's quite a story. I would prefer to avoid any scenario with cops and suicide threats and whatnot. I keep thinking now that my "exit plan" will simply involve getting my important stuff out while he's gone and going cold turkey. Although I did try that last year and only made it six weeks before getting back together with him.

Your story is inspiring... .I can't imagine the amount of strength it took you to walk away from all that. May I ask how you dealt with any lingering feelings of longing? Did you have to fight off urges to take her back? How did you cope post-leaving?

[Blythe1976]

It took me years of abuse before I finally said to myself, who am I and what the hell am I doing here? Those were the questions that set me free.

I've started to ask myself this question a dozen times or more a day. What I've come to believe is that even if he conquers most of the BPD behaviors, he's still a bad narcissist, and that seems even more difficult (if not impossible) to "cure." He has so many problems... .I look at him now and see an impossibly tall mountain that no human could possibly climb without falling to their own death.

[Blythe1976]

she recently told someone i know that our reason for splitting is that i was a " control freak " ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Classic projection, eh? My BPDh tells me daily that I'm a "control freak" simply because I would prefer that the man I'm married to actually come home at night rather than hanging out with a bunch of losers until 8am, coming home drunk and stoned, demanding sex and attention.

I want to hate him. Why can't I get to a point where I can just hate him? I know other unhappy wives who hate their husbands, and their husbands don't even have BPD.

[Blythe1976]

I started out posting on "Undecided," then on "Staying," and while I'm not 100% ready for the "Leaving" board, I can

So, how did you all END IT and LEAVE?

well, I HAD been secretively planning, but in the end my BPD ex beat me to the punch.She had opened a returned letter from ME to my daughter- and in the letter it stated ( by me) I was done with her BPD , and looking to see a lawyer etc, to leave BPD... .she lost it, freaked out , wrecked my house, grabbed all she could over the course of 4 days ( I was hiding out at this point as she scared thecrap out of me and my kids)  I stayed awy for 3 weeks, from MY home, hid out, got a NC order served on her, then finally scred to death we went home... .

Did you write a letter/email?

Not to her... .

Did you talk face to face with your BPD to explain why you were leaving them?

NO WAY, I knew this was not an option, she was too insatble, volatile and violent... .

Did you simply leave w/o explanation and go NC?

in a way yes... .anytime I had brought the idea of us seperatign up, she would become very dysregulated and violent, and I knew this was not an option .

And how did your respective BPDs respond?

LIke I mentioned above- vandalised MY home, stole MY car ( I had it towed back ) took a ton ot items that were not hers, cleaned out all that she could from the home - including WII that belonged to my kids, appliances, dvd's cd's, blankets, towels, spice rack, dinner platescheese, laundry soap, my bird feeders- to mention a few of the bizarre items she snathced... .

I would really appreciate hearing some of your stories... .I know I have to exit this marriage... .I just don't know where to begin... .

-Blythe

I expect my BPDh would react the same way. He's terribly frightening when he's raging. The more stories I hear like this, the clearer it becomes that my exit strategy has to be cold turkey... .sneaking away in the dead of night kind of thing.

Thanks for telling me your story, redrover. And good for you for getting out. I hope I can soon follow in your footsteps. 

[Runningasfastasican]

When it comes to the "nuts and bolts" of leaving, I dont think there is any really easy way to do it... .In my case I initially started realising that I had to end things... .the problems were the rages that she would show each time we broke up... .or the rages each time I would try to get her to engage in any taking of responsibilities to try to keep things going when we were together... .It would take pages to repeat the dynamics of the relationship here... .but I will shorten it by saying that by the time I knew I wanted to end things... .I knew I had to build up my personal strength to be able to see it through... .and I started seeing a therapist to help me figure things out to eventually leave... .I actually ended up seperating sooner than I had expected or planned because at the time we split I had pretty much felt trapped in an endless cycle with her... .one day we had an argument over her drug use... and I was trying to get her help because she was overdosing more and more frequently at this time and the drugs were making her act pretty frightening... .and I told her that things were going to be over unless she got help... .at this point, she went into the worst rage I had ever seen in her and she attacked me with a knife... .and I was forced flee from her and to press charges... .while she was locked up... she would call me to bail her out and I refused and told her it was over and that I would never willingly be under the same roof with her agian... .I had my child to consider and no matter how guilty I felt to be "ending things" in this way... safety was a real issue so I filled paperwork to protect us before she got out of jail and I filed divorce paperwork as soon as possible... .the hard thing is, despite all this she was still trying to actively re-engage me for many months afterwards... .and get me to go bck into the relationship with her... .I was very frightened of her... .I still hear from her every few weeks wanting me back ... .I am now 11 months out from this situation... .I guess I pass this on... .because to be honest, you know what you went have through and are going through, and the fact of the matter is... .while any method that you choose will be hard, you should pick the one that you know is objectively and emotionally the safest course for you... .If you are afraid of his rages, you should seriously take that fear into consideration and avoid ending things face to face... .If you dont have the strength or desire to argue with him... .then consider the whole leaving with NC route... most likely it is the safest for you... .but I guess the primary consideration for you should be what is the physically safest way for you to break free ... .your safety outweighs his feelings at this point... .and I just want to emphasize that to you ... .take care and good luck

[2010]

So, how did you all END IT and LEAVE?

I stopped responding.

Did you write a letter/email?

I wrote dozens of them. They exist as historical documents of two people trying to deal with denial of a disorder that cannot be fixed unless each person assumes responsibility for their own life. I was not the first person to write and I will not be the last. The trail of tears went on for decades in my partners life. Each shellshocked partner lasted as long as their denial of the disorder held them captive and they couldn't leave. I was middling compared to many who were long term.

Did you talk face to face with your BPD to explain why you were leaving them?

The entire relationship was a face to face discussion.

Did you simply leave w/o explanation and go NC?

In the end, the only outcome was what was anticipated from the start. That I would be a stand-in for their subconscious critical parent, scapegoated, persecuted, victimized and left (presumably) on the side of the road to die as they run in the opposite direction. (According to BPD, any direction is better than having to deal with me.)

And how did your respective BPDs respond?

Not aware of any responsibility. The disorder does not allow the allowance of a SELF. Therefore, it is your *self* that gets borrowed, projected on to - disclaimed and destroyed and burned. Sorry- but it's a disorder.

Eventually you will piece yourself together again in the aftermath and rise from the ashes- significantly better, cleaner and more aware of personal boundaries and self preservation. And you will understand that personality disorders affect attractive people and they are hidden disorders- so you're best bet is to understand your own Achilles heel and where you are weakest in regards to them. Self-awareness is a gift you receive from their mirroring.

Right now you are in the Chrysalis stage and have yet to detach. Do it now and begin the process. It will be painful but ultimately worth it in the end. It will take a few years, but... .you will survive and you will be better for it. x

[gh444]

The entire relationship was a face to face discussion.

Wow! 2010 -  thanks for this little nugget!

And also for:

So, how did you all END IT and LEAVE?

I stopped responding.

I now firmly believe our BPD partner has NO control. They are not what is keeping us in the relationship. WE are.




Cheers, grt

[Bish]

May I ask how you dealt with any lingering feelings of longing? Did you have to fight off urges to take her back? How did you cope post-leaving?

I made a huge mistake in that I permitted contact by letter (from me to her) and voice mails (from her to me) initially, I felt so guilty for leaving her to cope on her own, without me, her caretaker! Then she did what she always did and I allowed myself to get guilted  into a telephone conversation once a week. I would be on the phone for hours on a Sunday getting stressed, upset and fighting the urge to do whatever she wanted, like I always had before. I knew absolutely I no longer loved her but the fear, obligation and guilt kept me hooked... .I still wanted to save her   

The crunch came when she made a demand on me that I wouldn't give in to, I warned her three times that if she carried on pushing me I would end it for good and have no more contact with her ever... .she pushed, I ended it. I ceased all contact on the 25th March 2010. She carried on with the texts, voice mails etc culminating in a final text on the 7th of June telling me she couldn't cope anymore and was ending her life. I admit I very nearly gave in to that one, then remembered how many times I had heard it before and fear turned into anger. I never responded and she hasn't tried to contact me since. I know through her sister that she is still alive *shrugs*

In hindsight, I should have just ceased all contact immediately and I would recommend going NC from the moment you leave to everyone else. I feel very lucky that I didn't get sucked back in! Leaving them doesn't change who they are, you leave them for a reason, don't make the mistake of thinking they will change for the better, they won't. Looking back every bit of contact I had from her after leaving was a subtle manipulation attempt and I was still blamed for everything, just in a more subtle way than usual.

DO NOT stay in contact, when you leave make a promise to yourself, this is it! No more! Change your phone number, block their emails etc. Draw a line and don't cross it! I speak from experience, if you give them an inch they WILL take a mile!

Bishy x

[OnceConfused]

Blythe1976:

I was struggling with how to leave my xBPDgf, even though I knew that something was wrong in the relationship as I was quite unhappy with her. XBPDgf would bait me with her nicety and sex, but then the cycle of BPD did not stop. I was hoping that I could be the knight on the white horse galloping in to save this beautiful soul. Then one day I was in the library and saw a copy of a cd from wayner dyer called "staying the path." Somehow that title rang a chord in me so I checked it out. It contains about 1 hour of 1 line word of wisdom. I listened and listened to it for a 3 week straight, and finally I was convinced that if I were to be happy, I had to find my path and let noone pull me off that path.

I came to her house one day, gave her a gift and then looked her straight into the eye, and said "good bye.". Right away, she gave me a soft look with tears and said " I just realize that I love you.". I almost fell for it and began to say "if you can seek some help.", quickly she heard that and looked away. I knew right away that she did not believe she was the problem at all. I knew then I was in quick sand and needed to get out fast. So, I got up and left. My life has been the best ever since.

One of the things I did that helped solidify the decision was to write her a long letter with all the things that she did and said to me that were hurtful. WOw, I could not believe how many bad things that my mind had forgotten. The writing helped bring back all the history and facts. The longer I sat at the computer writing the letter, the more I can see the destructive pattern she had. I never gave her the letter because I did not want her to have the last word on me. Poof, I wanted to be gone into thin air from her. Nothing of me for her to grap on to, nothing of me for her to bite and inject the venom. NOTHING.

Blythe1976, by being the one who said goodbye first, I walked away as a victor of the situation and not the victim. I was in control of my destiny. My mind fell so much into peace with no regret of the decision made.

[OverBoard]

five breakup... this one was serious. Packed all her belongings and furniture in storage... paid for it a month. Wrote nice letter,, telling her I still love her but enough was enough... brought it to her work with her meds and some other items she would need. She didn't even contact me for 5 hours after that. Never went to the storage unit for a month and a half, didn't go to check if her belongings were really there, didn't call the unit to ensure it was there... nothing. Was out partying, drinking, dating and staying at hotel near her work. She is now lying again that she is renting a room with a 67 yo old woman to find out she is living with a guy near her work... done... .just done with all this insane crap.

[ve01603]

he smokes so much pot and stays up until 5, 6, 7am, then sleeps until 4, 5, 6pm), but since we got married four months ago, his behavior has been an almost Jim Morrison-like freefall to self-destruction.

Does anyone know if this type of behavior plus very heavy drinking can cause a psychotic break down?

[innerspirit]

X and I were married 19 years.  There were so many deal-breakers that there was almost nothing that could have topped them.  That's what made leaving so hard, and so surreal -- so much damage had already been done, and I was numb.  We saw 8 marriage counselors in total, he lied to every single one of them, stayed calm while I spun out in sheer frustration.

November of '08, I went to an intense weekend retreat in which I realized I had a decision to make -- between "I'm not going to take it [the abuse] anymore" or "I'm not going to take it in anymore."  The setting of boundaries was pointless, it just launched him, therefore us, into hours of unresolvable debates and mind-bending tangents.  Something way deep inside just said, no, I'm just not going to take it anymore, I'm taking myself out of harm's way, I'm finally going to honor my own reality despite the brainwashing.

I made an appointment with one of the counselors at the retreat, and talked it over with her, decided that indeed I had to leave the marriage if things didn't radically change.  We scheduled another appt., for X and me with her.  I made one final plea for him to get some help, to really admit to what was going on in private -- and he refused.  So that's when I had to tell him it was over.

Do you know what he did?  He sobbed on the couch for a good 10 minutes, wiped his eyes and asked THE THERAPIST WHEN IT WAS LEGAL FOR HIM TO START DATING!

And then to make it more surreal, when he and I got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and he admitted that he had misled a psychoanalyst for nearly 2 years.  I didn't ask him for more details -- what would be the point?  But he did ask me what I thought he suffered from, and I told him.

We separated several weeks later, and have been in NC.  He's still stalling with the financial paperwork for the divorce.