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Author Topic: Working my way through the problem, what is the definition of "self harm"?  (Read 550 times)
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« on: August 18, 2010, 07:46:37 AM »

 I am still trying to understand all the subleties and implications of BPD symptoms and actions. I understand what attempted suicide and such are. Can self harm also mean more subtle things like doing things the difficult way after receiving advice on how to do something correctly? That way they have something to complain about. My SO will sometimes ask me how to do something or aske what she should do in a particular circumstance. I will give her an answer and most times she will do something that is almost doomed to be a failure or will result in expending way more effort than necessary. Then I hear about how hard she had to work/plan,do what she was doing. MY SO has never attempted suicide nor threatened it out loud. She will do stupid things like picking at a blackhead on her back after I tell her not to touch it. She will pick at it until she peels the skin off and a scab forms.

Any thoughts on this folks. I'm working my way down the list of idiosyncrasies people with BPD exhibit. I am preparing to go to a therapist next week and want to write some things down before going. Seeing a therapist is not cheap and there is a limited amount of time for the $ and I don't want to waste time thinking about things while there.
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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2010, 08:33:43 AM »

My xBPDgf would mutilate her pinky toes.  She would pick off the nail and scratch at it, pick it.
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« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2010, 02:29:32 PM »

Self harm is any behavior used as a form of control (over the mind and the body) to release bottled up feelings of rage. The behaviors can range from over-plucking the eyebrows to cutting with a razor blade to tattooing to BDSM spanking, whipping, flogging... .BTW, most people would not realize that the act of bondage isn't entirely what they think with a BPD. To a BPD it is a romantic re-creation of the parental objectification  Self harm is any behavior that is compulsive and therefore needed to exist. There is also an endorphin desire that facilitates the need for pain in much the same way runner's get a runner's high or drinker's need a drink.  The endorphins soothe as well as give the Borderline the impression that they are in control of their own lives and that they exist separate and apart from those they attach to.
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« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2010, 03:35:11 PM »

So when she asks me what she should do or how to do something and she does it her way which creates more work/effort on her part than it could have that satisifies something internal. Gives her control because she did it her way.

I can think of a recent example. We got a new tv and therefore a different remote. She was expressing frustration with it because it would not do something she wanted to do. I watched what she was doing, saw what she was doing incorrectly "I never say wrong to her " and started to offer a suggestion to her when she blew up at me for daring to tell her what to do. So she kept getting frustrated at the stupid remote when she could have made things a whole lot easier if she had not blown up at me. 

So instead of making things easier by continuing to struggle with the remote she was satisfying something deep in her brain  calling out for "self harm"? Am I gettin it?
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« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2010, 03:45:02 PM »

I don't know if I would call that self-harm.  Maybe ignorance and lack of common sense, but not self harm, imo.  Myself and those that knew the Ex best would all agree they are their own worst enemy though, and maybe that's what your thinking of?  Plus couple that with their need to always be right, and are never to blame or are at fault, then you get poor decisions, and an unwillingness to take direction.   We also all agreed that he had poor self/impulse control and illogical thinking, but that's all pretty common with BPD!
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« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2010, 03:56:44 PM »

Excerpt
So instead of making things easier by continuing to struggle with the remote she was satisfying something deep in her brain  calling out for "self harm"? Am I gettin it?

Self harm would have been if she started pinching herself or pounding her head against the wall *after* you had the argument about the remote. And it's not really an argument per se, but it's enough to trigger her control issues, which is what BPD is all about.

BPD is an "eruptive" disorder that serves to dislodge the psychic pain of not being able to self-actualize. That pain is barely kept below the surface, in the subconcious, and it utilizes interpersonal relations to allow itself to releases through seismic breaks in the outer facade (the false self) In the interim, there are all sorts of ego defenses that they use, from denial to self sabotage (passive aggression) And, when other people are not there to argue with, a Borderline can turn inwardly to self hate, which triggers a need to release the rage by hurting themselves with tools. Poking, pinching, slapping, head butting themselves, cutting, burning, etc.

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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2010, 03:57:06 PM »

My dBPDw picks & scratches at the back of her head. Although her hair usually covers it you occasionally catch glimpses of a permanently open sore she's created from nothing. She's been doing it for six months as some kind of revolting self soothing... .Weird... She knows she does it & tries to stop herself but it's almost all of the time. The minute anyone says something she doesn't like (which is almost anything) her hand goes to the back of her head. It's strangely irritating to have to watch all of the time...
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« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2010, 04:00:51 PM »

Trichotillomania is a facet of OCD.

www.ocdla.com/trichotillomania.html
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« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2010, 04:09:17 PM »

Am I wrong to think that "self harm" is not necessarily physical harm that draws blood and causes physical pain, but that it can be mental harm that  causes distress/pain mentally? 
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« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2010, 05:34:11 PM »

Self harm could be relating to two different criteria from the DSM IV which is used to diagnose BPD.

The first is "self-damaging" which includes things like binge eating(eating disorders), substance abuse, spending(over spending/gambling), sex (dangerous/unsafe sex), reckless driving

The second is "self mutilating" which includes cutting self, burning self, trichotillomania (pulling or twisting out hair with or without eating it), chewing self (including nails)

Self harm can also cover those things that cause the "mental harm" that you mentioned such as unstable relationships, unstable self image, paranoid ideation etc.

BPDs engage in many many behaviors that harm themselves and those closest to them.

I hope this helps!
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« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2010, 06:09:52 PM »

In order to make sense of the behavior- you have to make sense of Borderline, which is a developmental disorder from childhood. It deals with object relations and *libido* concerning the self and outside objects (that’s the “relations” part.) You’re an object- and I’m an object. The first Object was Mother, known as the “primary object.”

Everybody’s got libido. Libido is most commonly referred to as a sex drive,  but it’s more a zest for self- determination.   Both Freud and Jung describe it as a necessary part of the personality on the road to self-realization, but Carl Jung, referred to it as the free, creative—or psychic—energy an individual has to put towards their own personal development or individuation. That is, separation and individuation apart from your Mother, the primary object.   Libido is the basis for the “Self.”  In order to be autonomous, you need drive.

So the energy within us (libido) demands that we expand, search and seek out what gives us a feeling of satisfaction/existence (what we perceive as pleasure) to become the Self.  This is a motivating force that allows us our individualism apart from our parent. (Drive should not be about clinging to others.)

The Libido is ruled by the *Id,* which basically translates as an impulsive, self serving “I want it now!” childishness that basically arises when we fear annihilation.  Impulsive, illogical, shoot first, ask questions later, the Id is relying on impulses- not consequences. The Id drives a *want to exist* and doesn’t worry about empathy.

It is what Borat illustrates in his impulsive urge to drop his pants and satisfy his sexual arousal in front of the Victoria’s Secret store display window. And that’s just the harmless part of the Id- the harmful part is the urge to rape and pillage. We laugh at Borat, because we realize how sophisticated we are in comparison to him, while secretly longing for the freedom to do the same but unable to because of our *Superegos.* The ~superego~ is our way of tempering the Id, saying nuh uh, no-no. Not good. Don’t do that.  Yes, that selfish, primitive, childish, pleasure-oriented part of the personality with no ability to delay gratification must be tempered for the betterment of society. And the Superego is responsible.

The Superego looks at Borat masturbating in public and says, good God MAN!, you’re a pig! You cannot do that in front of Victoria’s secret! There are social sanctions! There are morals! Don’t you know them?

Um, well, no-the Id is immature.  It is without empathy. And empathy and morals must be taught.

Guess who teaches them? Uh huh,  You’re absolutely right, it’s your Mother, the primary object in your life. The one you cling to, that keeps you fed, and alive. Her responses to you will determine how well you perceive objects (your self included) for the rest of your life.

Freud viewed libido as passing through a series of developmental stages within the individual. Failure to adequately adapt to the demands of these different stages could result in libidinal energy becoming 'dammed up' or fixated in these stages, producing certain pathological character traits in adulthood. This is the basis for all character disorders.

Since personality disorder arises because of the failure to become separate and apart from the Mother- to see her as having both good and bad qualities, and therefore good and bad in others and the self~ What the hell happened?

The libido (the energy for personal development, the energy to expand, search and seek out what gives us a feeling of being alive and existence (what we perceive as pleasure) becomes focused on the parent’s domain.  The loving, benevolent parent becomes a cruel and sadistic object that absorbs energy that should have been directed outward into the World.

When the parent becomes afraid for the child’s self-discovery- Borderline (stay and cling to me or I will abandon you!) or from the parents narcissistic objectification (I am a God!  Admire me! How dare you go against me by being your own person!) or Schizoid Hermit(protect me, the World is a dangerous place!) you can see that all sorts of things can go wrong in the development of character.   When libidinal drives (I want to exist!) conflict with the conventions of “parental constraints” behavior, the libido is highjacked by the Superego (the disapproving, socially sanctioned, moralistic parent with internalized societal and parental standards of "good" and "bad", "right" and "wrong" behavior in the Borderline’s subconscious)

Freud pointed out that “It is this need to conform to society and control the libido that leads to tension and disturbance in the individual, prompting the use of ego defenses to dissipate the psychic energy of these unmet and mostly unconscious needs into other forms.” (Borat relieving himself in front of the Victoria's Secret isn't self-harming, it's a paraphilia. The result of "libidinal energy becoming 'dammed up' or fixated in a developmental stage, producing certain pathological character traits in adulthood."

So what happens in Borderline personality disorder is the child is not allowed to expand and become separate from the parental object. This could be because Mother was insecure, used the child as a shield, or suffered from separation anxiety. By the time the child reaches adulthood, Borderline thinking appears as a hidden disorder of a personality in bondage- with a cruel and punishing internal dialogue that runs on an internal script that doesn’t allow for self actualization.  The dynamic is activated again with a stand-in parental object (that's you.) In other words, being alone and self sufficient and being happy about it are discomforting to a person with BPD because as children, they were never allowed to do this. They see things in black or white, all or none thinking.

"Ego defenses" are used to combat the struggle between ~the want to be their own person~ and the perceptions that if they try- they will be abandoned or worse, annihilated. Ego defenses can be impulsive, immature and lacking empathy as in the Id responses- or they can be self-loathing and hypercritical of themselves as in the hidden script of the superego (the parent’s internal cruel and sadistic voice that gets played over and over again in their head.)

So there's this disorder that shows up when other people enter the scene and the ego defenses get triggered- leaving other people to shake their heads as to what the heck is going on?

Self harm is just a way for a Borderline to be in control over both the Id and the Superego fighting with each other- and it involves releasing psychic pain deep from within. It is a horrible, debilitating disorder that causes anxiety and rage against the loss of control- and the self harm behaviors allow a cathartic, cleansing and purifying release of tension. Endorphins also allow a Borderline to feel a sense of psychic pain relief, that is, freedom from the internal bondage. This also applies to sex.

That's different from the self harm you are wondering about- which really sounds more like self sabotage. And self sabotage is a form of fear due to the fear of losing control. That fear is not done on purpose, but instead comes out when the want to be a person and the need to be taken care of conflict. Hope that makes sense.


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« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2010, 07:07:57 PM »

Yes that does make sense. Helps a lot. Like I said in the subject line. I 'm working through the problem one step at a time. There is so much to comprehend with this confusing condition. And I have had over 20 years of exposure to it and only in the past few years realized that the situation was much bigger and convoluted then I had thought.  Hmmmmm
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« Reply #12 on: August 18, 2010, 07:18:58 PM »

Guess who teaches them? Uh huh,  You’re absolutely right, it’s your Mother, the primary object in your life. The one you cling to, that keeps you fed, and alive. Her responses to you will determine how well you perceive objects (your self included) for the rest of your life.

So what happens in Borderline personality disorder is the child is not allowed to expand and become separate from the parental object. This could be because Mother was insecure, used the child as a shield, or suffered from separation anxiety. By the time the child reaches adulthood, Borderline thinking appears as a hidden disorder of a personality in bondage- with a cruel and punishing internal dialogue that runs on an internal script that doesn’t allow for self actualization.  

Thanks 2010, very interesting reading.   It explains a lot about the dynamics of my stbxh's family.  He was the 14th of 15 kids.  They were very poor, no food, no indoor plumbing, no proper clothes,hardly any heat, alcoholic father who left at some point.  The oldest daughter has made comments that after the kids were babies, the mother didn't really want much to do with them and the upbringing was the responsibility of the older siblings. 
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