How Can We Be Pushed To This?

[atwitsend]

I'm 1 1/2 mos. out of OZ with my xBPDgf and I'm just stunned that it seems to have come to this. Been on these boards for a while and recall being arrogantly smug when posters would mention stuff like lawyers and cops etc. Well, I guess I NOW understand how wrong I was/am. They can push the sanity out of anyone. Here's the gist... .

Although our 11-year relationship was a bit rocky at times during arguments, it's just not in my make-up to be confrontational. I'd say (sometimes loudly) my piece and be done. I couldn't even begin to imagine a situation in which cops or lawyers or anything else would have to become involved.

Fast forward to me leaving last month... .Although she told me that I "didn't have to leave right away" and slept in the same bed my last night there, I wasn't going to have a knockdown, dragout. I quietly gathered my stuff, said 'goodbye' and walked out the door. The extent of our contact since has been a couple of "I really do love you and miss you" e-mails from me but that's about it. I've not harassed her or inundated her with TM's or e-mails, going largely NC. She's going through a really bad time with her daughter right now, but that's too long a story.

Anyway, a week or so ago I came to the realization that I'd left my passport, birth certificate, extra set of car keys etc. at her house. In addition, we shared a cabin upstate and I've got personal items there, too. I've asked her several times if I could go and pick them up and she's stonewalled me. On the advice of my T, who thinks this is merely an attempt to gain control of an uncontrolled life, I gave her dates when I'd be available. I've heard nothing in return---again. Heck? Who does this?

So what I'm saying is that the next step for me is to get an attorney. I don't know what else to do and I cannot believe that it has actually come to this. Advice anyone?

[phuzion]

I guess I would wonder what your relationship with her daughter is.  Can she help let you in when it is safe, when her mother is not there?  And is there another similar way to circumvent getting into the upstate place?  Maybe a family member or mutual friend has keys?  Just a couple suggestions.  It probably would turn into something ugly and more drama filled if lawyers were brought in but do what you have to - you know her/the situation better than anyone else.

[atwitsend]

Yeah phuzion---My fear exactly--I still have keys for both places but don't feel comfortable using them in the least--it'd cause more problems than I care to handle.

[2010]

I'd left my passport, birth certificate, extra set of car keys etc. at her house

You can get copies of these items and easily replace them.  Why keep fighting?

[Runningasfastasican]

This may sound cold... .but in reality... .the safest and easiest thing is to replace what was left... .and write off the property still in her possession as gone... .and do what you can to move on... .I know that it sucks to lose stuff... .but stuff can be replaced... .the safety of getting the heck away from the destructive situation as quickly as you can can be worth quite a bit of "piece of mind"... .but that also means you may want to change any locks or ignition systems that match any keys still in her possession... .the cost of that may suck too... .but it is ultimately cheaper than getting caught in some type of situation where she accuses you of stalking or DV or such... .trust me any contact can be a threat to you... .take care and stay safe... .

[TonyC]

go get your stuff upstate... .

write the rest off... get copies...

no calls no contact...

what do you have of hers... ?

[atwitsend]

Gosh... .I don't mind writing off some of the stuff, but the passport, birth certificate and car keys just get my goat. I mean, holy crap, for 11 years we co-parented our kids, I've never done a single damn thing that could ever be construed as threatening and now I feel like I need to live an episode from COPS just to retrieve a few innocuous things? I hear you guys, but it just doesn't seem right, ya know?

Tony? I really don't have anything of hers at all.

[TonyC]

its not worth it ... .even the leagal stuff... its just rocking the boat...

if this could be over this easy . and theres no palimony , or splitting of assets, or net worth forms... .or dragging andyone thru the mud... .or monies owed... , and lawyers and agreements... .

consider some lost  doucments and keys... .as as irritating... .

youve been blessed... .

ususally the claws comeout... ;and it gets ugly... .real ugly... 11 years together.i believe gives her some rights... .maybe maybe not... .

i will quote. havanna

dont poke the bear...

[atwitsend]

Wow... .I'm just freaking floored, Tony... .I mean, you're probably right (I've used the bear analogy before), but what the hell rights does she have to my passport, birth certificate and car keys, ya know?

[TonyC]

she has no rights to them... none at all

you might find them in a fed ex envelope at your door any day... .

birth certificate... is a form and a few dollars...                           40.00

passport they expire anyway ... you leavin the country.?          130.00

keys... with a chip... 45 each...                                                  90.00


her not dragging you to court cause she feels entitled. after 11 years...


priceless!

[Runningasfastasican]

She has no right to them... .but the issue of her right to them basically does not matter when compared to your issue of being able to cleanly and safely break away from this situation... .it is about you and figuring out what actions to take that are in your best interest in the long run... .take care and good luck

[havana]

what the hell rights does she have to my passport, birth certificate and car keys, ya know?

She didn't have any right to the last 11 years of your life but you gave her that. This is a piece of cake.


Listen to Tony

[The_411]

Or you could lok at it as spending $250.00 to avoid being slandered,  falsely accused, or even arrested.

Seems possible she could fabricate an attack on her or unlawful entry or go as far as alleging that you raped her or assaulted her. 

[atwitsend]

Holy f&$% GUYS! How does someone who is not me have a 'right' to my passport and birth certificate? JEEZUS CHRIST!

I know it's easier to get a new one, but C'MON?

[mindful]

I would decide what the stuff means to you.  Is it about personal justice?  And then decide if it is worth it.  If it goes ugly that could be 5 more therapy visits tacked on (cost?)--- and painful emotions for a long time.   Past her threshold you become a moving target and we forget we can't control that. 

If you truly want to expedite your moving on emotionally--- I would forget the stuff--- and pat yourself on the back for being good to yourself.   

[TonyC]

i mailed her the signed title to the nissan converible...

i wasnt goin after the car... .

[The_411]

Holy f&$% GUYS! How does someone who is not me have a 'right' to my passport and birth certificate? JEEZUS CHRIST!

I know it's easier to get a new one, but C'MON?

Back,

They don't. It's it ultimately your choice. People are merely relating to you the pros and cons of attempting to get your things back as well as indicating that based on their experiences disengaging from a pwBPD can contain all sorts of pitfalls.

[atwitsend]

The 411----

I know... .I know... .guess that I just can't past how someone who you snuggled up to in bed one week becomes a Law & Order episode the next. It's just not how I would have ever envisioned any of this turning out and it cuts me to the quick.

[TonyC]

none of us did my brother... .

we went to someone they loved to someone they used to know... over night...

take any positives yous can. from this...

but im sure you have read around here... some are fighting for kids, some are fighting for homes... some are fighting to stay out of jail cause of some trumped up reasons.

some in divorces... that last years... .and 1000s of dollars... .

some are fighting just to have thier emmotional freedom ,

the possesions stuff... .a small price to pay... .

so what are you doin for yourself... .and to get your head screwed on straight... .

from the sounds of things... your walking around still sayin What the heck?

[atwitsend]

You'd be right on there Tony (btw--elphie says 'hey'... .not so much saying 'What the heck' as I am in the licking wounds/really don't want us to be done phase. Yeah, I'm a freaking mess.

[TonyC]

well tell elphie i said hi... and hows  the young one behavin... do i have to kick someones ass.?


yeah the personal items loss... is an ecuse to hang onto something. a reason to call or right...

make it stop bein a reason... the reason is gone...

i felt that. from your posts... .yeah its hard to wrap our heads around the behaviors...

its in humane... and they go on like nothing happend... or do they... ?

its all a cycle...

now your gonna have to walk thru hell a little... and the faster you move. the faster the pain goes way ... .

lemme ask you a qustion ... she calls tonight and says. hi. where are you silly?

you runnin back?

[left4good]

Can I ask if there's a need to have these things immediately?   Do you have a bit of time to wait?

My experience only,  but once mine thought that the stuff was no big deal to me.  It didn't mean anything and it wasn't something she could use as a "carrot"  she lost interest and gave back amicably.  I'm sure there were a few choice jabs throw in because she was losing control of the situation, but otherwise pretty smooth. 

who's name is the house in? 

Left

[left4good]

I'd rather see you just let the stuff go and walk away.  And I don't want my experience to give you any kind of false hope.  I was simply relating my experience to this thread. 

I thought I oughta clear that up.

[atwitsend]

Honest? No--not really... .I might not understand much about What the heck has happened/is happening/will happen, but what I'm positive of and have spoken to my T about is that I'd NEVER go straight back without deep couples counseling. Doesn't much matter, though, cause it ain't gonna happen.

[TonyC]

good point to a destination... then get there... .

[doinwhatshecan]

   Back--

I gave him the house that we had spent the past 2 years working on (new roof, new kitchen, japanese soaking tub, new french doors with patio)... .all I got to keep was my sanity