Desperately wanting my BPD GF back

[Outoftime44]

She convinced me I was the crazy one... .I started to exhibit BPD traits myself.  I became insecure and desperate and needy and clingy and had a real fear of abandonment (after a few breakups).  I kept shutting down/losing my cool/not trusting her.

But it was because I felt something was wrong.  She was desperately in love with me- obsessed with me.  But I ended up taking on BPD traits somewhat in my neediness/ criticism of her.

But she was always so stressed out, anxiety, freaking out (ex bf got married!), trashing old bfs, dealing with desperate old bf's, seeming to be two faced, somehow not fulfilling my emotional needs.

But it was the greatest thing ever.  She is so put together.

She instituted no contact against me, bringing me down, portraying me as a psycho, and blaming me for everything.  In fact, no matter what, she could take no criticism.  I always admitted fault, but there was  time when we both were walking on egg shells.

Looking at the facts the relationship was a disaster, and my friends and family all think she is the crazy one, and stay away because she will come back!  And I want her to, in spite of everything, in spite of not trusting her and having a feeling this was happening.

From her desperately in love, obsessed with me to never speaking with me again.

Its been 6 weeks, in which she claimed a nervous breakdown was caused by me, and then said I can't be in her life anymore.

It feels good to know I am not the crazy one, but I want it back.  We talked all day everyday, had hopes and dreams.  She professed wanting to be with me forever after a few months.  Super intense long distance, travelling back and forth- but fights and tensions over nothing.  But I miss the fun, and the obsessive talking with someone who i thought was my best friend.

She clearly has delusions, and even the day I was sent packing earlier in the day I was suspecting how she changes history to always portray herself better.

Sad thing is, nobody in the world knows her, the real her, but me.

[Outoftime44]

To elaborate a little more- I have had a hard time with the breakup.  I became dependent on her.  She became my life, and I was losing myself.

But her NC'ing me after claiming a nervous breakdown and never talking to me again after I had an anger outburst calling her a few names - somewhat justified- has been eating at me.

In her mind I am the villain and she is perfect.  I have been to a therapist who told me he thinks she has this disorder.  I was needy and clingy, but I do not think I have the disorder.  This is a pattern for her.

Yet I love her so much.  My family and friends think it is a blessing she is gone- doing me the favor - but I am anxiously awaiting the day when she realizes I am not the cause of her problems and contacts me... .if only for me to ignore her.

The good moments were so good, and my life at this point last summer - someone professing me as her soulmate, talking all the time, making great plans and having a great time - it's empty without it. 

But she has turned on me... .I brought it on myself with my own needy, anger issues towards her, but I think deep down inside I felt something was wrong.  Because I was always to blame. 

[2010]

Sad thing is, nobody in the world knows her, the real her, but me.

She gave you that impression. And it is an impression that's left an indelible mark- but you have to come to terms that this was seduction, plain and simple. It was also a dance repeated by her over and over again with other people... .other "objects."  Why else would she become so upset after learning that an ex-boyfriend was getting married? She's lost a valuable object that supports her identity. Without him- and his persona surrounding her- she's left without support.

Your objectification was about being a sounding board- perhaps useful to her- but more importantly, heroic to you. When she went away, she not only took away her loving gaze, but she shoved you off the pedestal. That's disordered. That's hurtful. That's important.

Ask yourself why you thought that this rarest blue flame called love could be kept 100% alive with only 50%. Without two people to make a 100% pact, there is no hope.

Stay awhile here and read- you'll find thousands of posts by people that share an emotional loss of heroic proportions. You'll need to re-evaluate what it means to be attached, and what it meant to be attached to a person with Borderline Personality. You'll see that you were used- that there is a trail of tears that started well before you came into the picture and there will be others down the line. Your job is to understand that you are no different from any of them. It will be painful, but necessary.

[Outoftime44]

Thank you for the excellent reply.

Sad thing is, nobody in the world knows her, the real her, but me.

By that I mean, nobody in the world knows the real her- meaning that she has this mess.  Her previous bf's still wanted her back.  Her family has no idea.  Her friends don't know the real her.  She doesn't show them her stress outbursts.  

On the front she is the most unemotional, hardened person who has it together.  I see the real her.  Crying away from her family, doubting her family believes she loves them, scared of aids when goes to the Dr., hates her best friend over a small housing dispute... .

So she comes to me with her stress and freakouts... .Only I know they exist.  She is put together on the surface.

She gave you that impression. And it is an impression that's left an indelible mark- but you have to come to terms that this was seduction, plain and simple. It was also a dance repeated by her over and over again with other people... .other "objects."  Why else would she become so upset after learning that an ex-boyfriend was getting married? She's lost a valuable object that supports her identity. Without him- and his persona surrounding her- she's left without support.

You are so right about that.  She gets ego boosts from her ex-bf's being crazy about her.  She enjoys their desperation, and portrays them horribly, but somehow needs it.

Yet she has a deeper realization of her relationship failures in my opinion.  It hurts her that they all married the next guy they dated after her.

But she is never happy... .If she hears a friend doing something well, she feels she is a failure.  I have to talk her out of it.  She changes herself to any situation.

Your objectification was about being a sounding board- perhaps useful to her- but more importantly, heroic to

you. When she went away, she not only took away her loving gaze, but she shoved you off the pedestal. That's disordered. That's hurtful. That's important.

Ask yourself why you thought that this rarest blue flame called love could be kept 100% alive with only 50%. Without two people to make a 100% pact, there is no hope.

The sad things is, the breakdowns were caused by me.  I would all of a sudden get bouts of insecurity and anger and say something that she would respond to like it was assassination.  Then a profession of love... .I always had to profess my undying feelings and she did as well.  She wanted to be with me forever after only a few months dating... . But to make herself look better she would trash me to her friends.

She is smart and knows how to handle the issues, while I get manipulated.

Stay awhile here and read- you'll find thousands of posts by people that share an emotional loss of heroic proportions. You'll need to re-evaluate what it means to be attached, and what it meant to be attached to a person with Borderline Personality. You'll see that you were used- that there is a trail of tears that started well before you came into the picture and there will be others down the line. Your job is to understand that you are no different from any of them. It will be painful, but necessary.

I somehow felt I met my soulmate.

The thing is, I had issues with vulnerability and being so close.  And the relationship was long distance with problems.  I was at fault too.  I was insecure and have relationship issues as well.  I am trying hard to work on them, but this tore me todnw.

I can't help but feel as if I didn't be mean to her, if I didn't criticize her ever, if I didn't get too emotional it would work.

But I was broken down by the whole thing, completely broken down and going crazy.

It's painful to know that an entire year was a lie.  I want to express my hate, but still I love her.  I was at fault myself for a lot and have incredible guilt for being a mean person, but I truly lost my self identity.

[Outoftime44]

When I tell my family and friends what was going on, they say she is crazy, and I was manipulated. 

But this girl did go all out for me.  I picked the fights in the end, I was insecure and needy sabatoging things, but she was willing to do anything for me and she worked very hard to make it work.

It is just sad now that she cut it off, then pushed me out forever, and blames it all on me. 

[T2H]

Hi Outoftime44 and ,

When you get the chance, could you please post a little bit of your story on our New Members board.  It will help folks here to have something to refer back to when responding to your future threads/questions.

[T2H]

If you re-read your messages above, is this the type of relationship you want?  Losing yourself, fights, etc.  It's certainly not a healthy dynamic for either of you.  And as far as soul mates and future plans, that could well be all talk - and nothing might ever come of it.  Regardless of her issues - there are definitely some things that would benefit you to address on your own.  Are you in counseling?  Can you go to a support group like coda or al-anon?  Take care.

[nonbpdnyc]

Outoftime,

You sound exactly as I did the first time our relationship imploded a year ago. I didn't know about BPD back then and went back to her. Went to therapy and finally saw my future clearly. It would have been a never ending nightmare.

My ex nearly ruined me, as our lives were so entangled that even our professional futures were joined. Once we broke up she even called clients and badmouthed me! She sabotaged my finances, she humiliated me in countless ways. These are all the things I had to repeat to myself when I got the same feelings you're having right now. The insults, the lies, the manipulation. I will never go back to living that way. There is a better life than that and every human being deserves it, but has to fight for it, has to proactively look for it.

Trust me, it will get better. You have your family. Get close to them. I have the best friends anyone can have. Those have helped so much.

You are not crazy. Just keep going, it will better... .

[Outoftime44]

If you re-read your messages above, is this the type of relationship you want?  Losing yourself, fights, etc.  It's certainly not a healthy dynamic for either of you.  And as far as soul mates and future plans, that could well be all talk - and nothing might ever come of it.  Regardless of her issues - there are definitely some things that would benefit you to address on your own.  Are you in counseling?  Can you go to a support group like coda or al-anon?  Take care.

I am in therapy, and have strong friends and family who have supported me and will do anything for me.

Thats the scary thing- I'm addicted to her.

I felt like I haven't connected with anyone in my life like her.  And yet she is so hurt by my actions.  (I posted the story in the new members forum).

I was very immature.  We are both bright, but both were immature and obsessive.  

I have taken this time to really try to improve myself through some spiritual reading, connecting with friends, rebuilding my self confidence, physical health, and therapy.  It's been a long journey.  

[Outoftime44]

Outoftime,

You sound exactly as I did the first time our relationship imploded a year ago. I didn't know about BPD back then and went back to her. Went to therapy and finally saw my future clearly. It would have been a never ending nightmare.

My ex nearly ruined me, as our lives were so entangled that even our professional futures were joined. Once we broke up she even called clients and badmouthed me! She sabotaged my finances, she humiliated me in countless ways. These are all the things I had to repeat to myself when I got the same feelings you're having right now. The insults, the lies, the manipulation. I will never go back to living that way. There is a better life than that and every human being deserves it, but has to fight for it, has to proactively look for it.

Trust me, it will get better. You have your family. Get close to them. I have the best friends anyone can have. Those have helped so much.

You are not crazy. Just keep going, it will better... .

Thanks for the very positive post.  I really appreciate the insight.  I have people telling me that... .yet I see my 50% of fault and feel guilt ridden for what I did.  I want to help her as well- I have real love for her.   But I think, for the time being, I am just the crazy psycho (her own words to friends) who she was stupid enough to get involved with, shattered her dreams of spending the rest of her life with, etc, etc, I guess it was all a lie?

I haven't attempted to contact her in 8 days.  Going to try and make it forever.  She wouldn't respond to my advances, and was cold to even my apology.

[T2H]

 

Sounds like you are doing the right things.

I just recently read this... .it's quite good... .

www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282433504&sr=8-1

[nonbpdnyc]

As many others here will tell you, explore YOUR OWN issues. There are reasons why you are clinging to her.

I suspect I have elements of Dependent Personality Disorder myself.

I lived things in my childhood and youth that made me have certain behaviors that kept me locked in hell with her.

Discover yourself and the real reasons why you're feeling all this. That will make things infinitely easier... .

[Outoftime44]

As many others here will tell you, explore YOUR OWN issues. There are reasons why you are clinging to her.

I suspect I have elements of Dependent Personality Disorder myself.

I lived things in my childhood and youth that made me have certain behaviors that kept me locked in hell with her.

Discover yourself and the real reasons why you're feeling all this. That will make things infinitely easier... .

Thank you... .I've been discovering them... .I see they have been growing over time.  That is the double whammy of this all- the breakup and loss is part I.  But part II is seeing all that became wrong with me, that took me off the track of being the person I wanted to be.   It reflects back to my self esteem in terms of being in a relationship.  I cringe at the terrible person I became at the end of the relationship.

[Outoftime44]

Sounds like you are doing the right things.

I just recently read this... .it's quite good... .

www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282433504&sr=8-1

Thank you!  I will surely give that a try. 

I have been reading some Deepak Chopra books which have given me insight into being a better person.   But it comes with the flip side, and that is the realization of how I became so unhealthy during this relationship.

[vitalsigns]

Hey Outoftime44,

Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

One thing that stands out to me reading your thread... .is that you seem VERY aware of your role in this relationship, but you are buying into HER idea that you're nuts... .

If she is truly BPD, remember that all the reflecting that you are feeling... .weighing your actions and the outcome... .she is TOTALLY incapable of! pwBPD simply do not see the world as nons do. They don't see the world as it is, they see it as they are.

We need to recognize what's within US that let another have so much control over how we felt; why we stayed in a BAD relationship. 

Read these boards thoroughly, you'll find you're not alone in your experiences. I've read my story over and over and over... .

Good luck!

[Outoftime44]

Hey Outoftime44,

Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

One thing that stands out to me reading your thread... .is that you seem VERY aware of your role in this relationship, but you are buying into HER idea that you're nuts... .

If she is truly BPD, remember that all the reflecting that you are feeling... .weighing your actions and the outcome... .she is TOTALLY incapable of! pwBPD simply do not see the world as nons do. They don't see the world as it is, they see it as they are.

We need to recognize what's within US that let another have so much control over how we felt; why we stayed in a BAD relationship. 

Read these boards thoroughly, you'll find you're not alone in your experiences. I've read my story over and over and over... .

Good luck!

Thanks for the welcome!  Wow, its scary to think she has no reflection.  That she can just up a wall like that.  I started to suspect she changed history because of her tendency to always portray things in a way that make her look favorable, to always tell people what they want to hear.  I thought it was just her own insecurity, but it could be a sign of something more.

When this all came crashing down, she somehow shut it all off... .or at least portrayed to.  Who knows, I have not conversed with her.  But in a sense, when I was being hard on her, after she had an incident kissing someone and I stopped trusting her, she did feel terrible for her actions.  She is either grossly insecure, but she is also delusional.

I wouldn't know, because it my attempts to get some kind of feedback, apologize, and rationalize with her, she has instituted no contact / cold only contact with me.

But in the past, she would, after great lengths, feel some for her actions.  But I can't get in her head.

The sick part is I am still wishing she would come back around... .But I am starting to doubt if I could trust anything. 

But I am worried I am portraying things too favorably for me.  I became insecure and started going crazy with doubts... .having panic attacks, shutting down when she said something harsh.  I in reality ended things, taking on many characteristics of someone with borderline personality.  The therapist says I do not have a disorder, but did start to mirror her.

[vitalsigns]

Hey Outoftime44,

Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

One thing that stands out to me reading your thread... .is that you seem VERY aware of your role in this relationship, but you are buying into HER idea that you're nuts... .

If she is truly BPD, remember that all the reflecting that you are feeling... .weighing your actions and the outcome... .she is TOTALLY incapable of! pwBPD simply do not see the world as nons do. They don't see the world as it is, they see it as they are.

We need to recognize what's within US that let another have so much control over how we felt; why we stayed in a BAD relationship. 

Read these boards thoroughly, you'll find you're not alone in your experiences. I've read my story over and over and over... .

Good luck!

Thanks for the welcome!  Wow, its scary to think she has no reflection.  That she can just up a wall like that.  I started to suspect she changed history because of her tendency to always portray things in a way that make her look favorable, to always tell people what they want to hear.  I thought it was just her own insecurity, but it could be a sign of something more.

When this all came crashing down, she somehow shut it all off... .or at least portrayed to.  Who knows, I have not conversed with her.  But in a sense, when I was being hard on her, after she had an incident kissing someone and I stopped trusting her, she did feel terrible for her actions.  She is either grossly insecure, but she is also delusional.

I wouldn't know, because it my attempts to get some kind of feedback, apologize, and rationalize with her, she has instituted no contact / cold only contact with me.

But in the past, she would, after great lengths, feel some for her actions.  But I can't get in her head.

The sick part is I am still wishing she would come back around... .But I am starting to doubt if I could trust anything. 

But I am worried I am portraying things too favorably for me.  I became insecure and started going crazy with doubts... .having panic attacks, shutting down when she said something harsh.  I in reality ended things, taking on many characteristics of someone with borderline personality.  The therapist says I do not have a disorder, but did start to mirror her.

Dude, I did the same mirroring---they're called fleas around here---->

You just have to go NC! Simple, right? Not really, but it is the ONLY choice. Learn from the mistakes you made, the excuses you made for her behavior, her treatment of you that you accepted for crumbs of happiness. DO NOT EVER let another treat you like that AGAIN!

No~Contact, as much as possible, is the way to go!

 

[Bradleysbash]

Outoftime - DAMN - I think we were with the same woman.  I could be writing almost exactly what you are writing, except I don't think I got as sucked in as my relationship was only 2 months.  The best part of it was that she went to HR when I sent her flowers 2 days after our fight and her first day back in the office.  

Do me a favor, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!  I feel the same way now - like I'm broken somehow, not able to function in a normal relationship.  I'm too mean and too insecure and too whatever - this is what she said straight out or implied.  Look up Gaslighting.  She was CLASSIC this way.  Well, I'm sorry you are upset about

I am not normally a believer in cognitive evil, but what they do - how they seem to lead us to doubt and almost destroy ourselves - taking on their flaws as they put these on us.  (My T told me this especially, "She's putting her issues on you."

It was all, and still is much the same.  It can be HELL on earth.  I've had brief dark thoughts of suicide - nothing too serious as I have a great support system and have kids.  Still, I could easily see how this could drive someone in that direction.

I'd say spend some time here, but also get out - bring some distractions and even dates into your life if you can.  I've found some real comfort in good female friends.  Time will help heal it - and you'll look back and wonder why you took so long.  Just remember, you are more in control of your emotions than you may think.  I do the what ifs too - what if I hadn't said this or that, what if I hadn't been so mean.  What if I were a bit more secure - it can be endless.  As sad as it is, just know she has an illness and maybe you and I have caught a bit over it.  I wish I could buy you a beer this eve.  Hang tough and don't lose hope.  You WILL love again.

[Outoftime44]

Dude, I did the same mirroring---they're called fleas around here---->

You just have to go NC! Simple, right? Not really, but it is the ONLY choice. Learn from the mistakes you made, the excuses you made for her behavior, her treatment of you that you accepted for crumbs of happiness. DO NOT EVER let another treat you like that AGAIN!

No~Contact, as much as possible, is the way to go!

 

It's such a huge caping whole out of my life, it's so hard to admit that the entire thing was a sham, that I was being used and manipulated.

NC is tough, and even worse because she won't contact me!  She instituted it on me.  

I am still not torn if I was the problem, or if she was, I'm so stuck in denial/confusion that I want this dead relationship back.

She is moving to London from the USA to follow me, and she is dreaming of a great new life there, and meeting the perfect boyfriend.  I'm guessing she won't realize her dreams.

I just cannot know anything about her for sure anymore.  I thought she was my best friend.  In fact, she knows more about me than anyone in the whole world.  Just scary stuff, I'm dying to speak with her.

I devolved into a lived in a world of pleasure/pain.  Pleasure when with her and things going well, pain and nervousness all other times.  I was always feeling slighted for no reason, but I loved her regardless and she did have a lot to offer me.

[Outoftime44]

Outoftime - DAMN - I think we were with the same woman.  I could be writing almost exactly what you are writing, except I don't think I got as sucked in as my relationship was only 2 months.  The best part of it was that she went to HR when I sent her flowers 2 days after our fight and her first day back in the office.  

Do me a favor, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!  I feel the same way now - like I'm broken somehow, not able to function in a normal relationship.  I'm too mean and too insecure and too whatever - this is what she said straight out or implied.  Look up Gaslighting.  She was CLASSIC this way.  Well, I'm sorry you are upset about

I am not normally a believer in cognitive evil, but what they do - how they seem to lead us to doubt and almost destroy ourselves - taking on their flaws as they put these on us.  (My T told me this especially, "She's putting her issues on you."

It was all, and still is much the same.  It can be HELL on earth.  I've had brief dark thoughts of suicide - nothing too serious as I have a great support system and have kids.  Still, I could easily see how this could drive someone in that direction.

I'd say spend some time here, but also get out - bring some distractions and even dates into your life if you can.  I've found some real comfort in good female friends.  Time will help heal it - and you'll look back and wonder why you took so long.  Just remember, you are more in control of your emotions than you may think.  I do the what ifs too - what if I hadn't said this or that, what if I hadn't been so mean.  What if I were a bit more secure - it can be endless.  As sad as it is, just know she has an illness and maybe you and I have caught a bit over it.  I wish I could buy you a beer this eve.  Hang tough and don't lose hope.  You WILL love again.

WOW gaslighting.  Thanks for sharing that concept.  Yes, I think that was the case.  However, like I said, I felt something was wrong but just kept going out of love and all the great moments.  And I was dependent on her.  She is without a doubt a special person, but somehow we both gaslighted each other until we felt we were nothing. 

I remember driving home one day after getting mad at her over nothing, and she wanted me to work it out and I drove home just because I was hoping to somehow punish her.  I felt so under appreciated, yet could not figure out why.  I kept hitting an off switch in my body and thinking enough, but loved her so much, kept snapping and then being at fault - blamed for the snapping... .groveling back because I am too hard on her.

I was always to blame and always at fault.  Heck, when she kissed another guy, she told her friends it was a makeout to make it look better, while after 2 days finally admitting it was wrong to me, only to tell ME I betrayed our trust because I told my friend and it would make her look bad.

It is funny because I always took responsibility for when I said mean things, basically working like crazy to undo it, prove my love, but she was always always right.

Thanks a lot.  I know why all this happened... .I was sick physically, we connected emotionally, I was in a new place and needed excitement after 8 months of no socializing because of illness... .  It scares me a bit because we are the same person in so many ways, but I became a monster, and now that is what scares me the most! 

Yet I am left apologizing out of guilt for my 50%.   Nothing from her.

I'm told by everyone that some point she'll come back knocking- hopefully at that point I will be strong enough to ignore, but when you spend an entire year talking with someone all day everyday, planning and dreaming, her desperate for her love- to nothing - it is hard.  We had breakups, but I thought it would all work itself out, but with each breakup, I became more nervous and felt worse.

[Outoftime44]

I can't tell who was gaslighting who.  She was more subtle.  She was always right.  But I was hard on her... .

Wow what a mess, what a mess it was.  No matter what, it destroyed both our confidence.

This has been an eye opening thread.  Thanks for sharing.

Gaslightees feel:

    * You feel sabotaged but can’t explain it.

    * You’re the one “needing” to apologize.

    * You second guess yourself and feel a lot of draining confusion.

    * You constantly feel like you have to prove yourself.

    * You shoulder a lot of the blame in the relationship.

    * Guilt follows you no matter what you do.

    * It’s often implied you are inconsiderate, disrespectful, or too sensitive.

    * You often defer to the other person’s take on a situation or matter.

    * Life feels out of whack, but you can’t pinpoint the cause.

    * As you think back, you remember being more carefree and confident.

    * Lying seems easier to avoid drama or explanations.

    * You feel you can’t defend yourself verbally or emotionally anymore.

    * You find yourself accepting weird or bad behavior in the other person as normal.

    * Confrontation with the other person has them offering a reasonable explanations and making you feel bad for questioning them.

[RealEyes]

I somehow felt I met my soulmate.

Ya know, i totally agree with 2010 on this one BUT i also agree with YOU after reading how you handled her, see her and see yourself here n all of this, not so much the reason for her actions but what you may have caused someone to do bc of how you act, as well? Not sure but remain mindful take care of yourself and maybe go with whats called here as LC with her if possible bc i see more than her painting you black or maybe you having the same traits as her that you got her better than anyone but is more functional than she is?, thats why you aren't so emotional but actually missing what you saw in you that makes you miss her. only time will tell with you, but just dont have any children sane or not, ok? No one should anymore given what we've left them to deal with for their future now :'(

take care!

[Outoftime44]

Real eyes, what do you mean by lc?

Anyway maybe having such and obsessive intense relationship lends it to these types of things.  I'm feeling better about nc now, and regret trying to get back in contact with her after she nc me! Just fed her ego.

But I also have a soft spot for her because I was mean to her, insulting her while drunk, and she did hurt because of me.  That is no doubt.

[T2H]

Low contact.

Forgive yourself.  And move on.  We all make mistakes here and there - if it's possible to make amends, do so.  This doesn't seem to be a good situation to attempt that.

If it helps at all, you can't win.  Whether you're nice, apologize, mean, whatever - it would still end poorly.  Let go.  Focus on you.  Heal.

 

[Outoftime44]

Low contact.

Forgive yourself.  And move on.  We all make mistakes here and there - if it's possible to make amends, do so.  This doesn't seem to be a good situation to attempt that.

If it helps at all, you can't win.  Whether you're nice, apologize, mean, whatever - it would still end poorly.  Let go.  Focus on you.  Heal.

 

youre right. And I know that. It's tough to accept because there are a year of non stop memories that feel betrayed.  Plus dreams lost. 

She has mental issues and I got manipulated, and I got crazy too and insecure.

But still I have some hope she will contact me again, and no rational thinking, clear advice, therapist, family or friend can knock it out of my head.

[T2H]

What do you hope to gain?  More pain?

[Outoftime44]

What do you hope to gain?  More pain?

no, I hope for the beautiful smart person I dedicated my life to, and who I shared so many good moments will return.

But the thing that scares me most is that I became like the person depicted as the BPD person in many of these threads.  I think we were both crazy, but I was just manipulated into accepting it all. 

[T2H]

no, I hope for the beautiful smart person I dedicated my life to, and who I shared so many good moments will return.

How likely is that?  Do you have a timeframe for how long you'll wait?

[Outoftime44]

no, I hope for the beautiful smart person I dedicated my life to, and who I shared so many good moments will return.

How likely is that?  Do you have a timeframe for how long you'll wait?

No, ideally, I want to be over it, and ignore her if she ever contacts me again.  She'll be let down again when she realizes her unhappiness and stress was not 100% caused by me. 

I'm still trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  Intense emotions, feelings, 2 people going crazy, so many mistakes in one relationship on both sides- pregnancy, long distance, moving countries, vacations, breakups, talking all day everyday, panic attacks, not being able to sleep separate, great moments, so much help for each other, and then finally losing my cool after being nervous and insulting her, then being sent home on a 4 hour train ride on 4th of july and never to have a conversation with her again and to be blamed for her nervous breakdown... .

[Bradleysbash]

Outoftime, I think we are of similar minds.  I love my exBPDgf - but had the same feelings about it.   She was SO into me, and even though I thought, "Hey it's me so it's okay" I was still a bit uneasy at times.

Still, we felt I think as you did and other BPD couples do prior to the bad times, that we'd discovered true longlasting love.  We felt that we were unique - that other couples might hope for what we had, but didn't have it.  Our love and relationship was different as she was everything I ever wanted, beautiful, kind, funny, smart, hardworking, and I was ambitious, very well educated, great job, a musician, great in bed - as she said over and over, "the man of her dreams."  

I don't agree with others who say it wasn't real.  It was for her - she hadn't dated in 6+ months - and I think it was real for you.

To keep my sanity I think about it this way.  The only way for it to ever work again will be for it to end and then be reborn.  This may mean I'm with other people as is she in the interim.  I can't tell you how many times I've thought of driving over to her house but stopped myself.  

So in order to believe your sanity, you've got to believe it is over, but I'm more hopeful than others may be here.  I can't give up hope that she'll get help and come back to me in one way or another.  I don't know when.  I think true hell would be to keep hoping for it to happen and it never does.  If you think it is over and it comes back, you'll be able to choose.  I've seen relationships come back from the dead.  If she comes back to me I'm going to have to find a way to go to counseling at a minimum.  I'll have to be sneaky about it probably - saying I'm the crazy one, .  Anyhow - I know the feeling, like it is 50% your fault.  It isn't. It may be 10% or 20%.  One of the last things she said to me was, "Who does this sh-t?" as though I'm in a special category for being crazy and mean.  I'm not.  The truth is - who does what she does?  Who is so unforgiving they won't talk to a person who says, "I love you, please forgive me."  

Whew - heavy stuff.   I hope you get out a bit and see some friends.  My friends - as I said, especially female friends have been a real help.  Try to laugh sometime if you can - just a little.