We were together off and on for over 4 years and every time he left me, he went back to her.
He never left her.
And he never left you.
Do I send her the e-mails he sent me last week about how much he missed me, loved me, and always would?
She has the same emails- but with her name on them.
Or do I see this as final closure and stop the rollercoaster for good?
You've both been "subsumed." Whether or not you realized it, you (and she) have been objectified and subsumed for 4 long years. This is a recycling pattern that supports cluster B personality disorders. In other words, you are owned by him.
There are two ways of looking at this: the first is from your own perspective- which is wanting love- but finding it within a relationship that pulls it away, keeping you feeling insecure and anxious. The second way is from the disordered perspective, which is dangling a carrot outside of your reach and manipulating your want- into a competition with another "object." (Both of you are being used.)
Legal documents like marriage certificates don't mean a thing when it comes to personality disorders. The game is played on one-upmanship, and blocks of time modifying and codifying each player. She wants to be married to prove his faithfulness. He obliges. That means that he has a system of arrangement that suits the disorder to a T. These personality constructs dont just disappear. She'll get an awful surprise when she shakes the rice out of her shoes and sees that he's still recycling YOU.
So get yourself a confidante- one who is professional and can help you voice your anger, dismay and who will also help you through your depression and loneliness. Eventually you will come to an acceptance- and that's one that exists without a constant watchful eye over whether or not their marriage will fail and he will return to you. Do you hold out hope.
The personality disorder will see to it that you and she will both be played off of one another for as long as you allow it.It's up to you to say No.
It's up to you ~ to learn the reasons why you are attracted to this dynamic of sharing and caring for a person that changes his mind on a whim. The reasons are within you. As long as you keep focused on him- you'll never find out about yourself. This is the most important life changing experience you will ever know. It is enough to rise to the occasion and get counseling- Nothing can hold you back once you begin to understand yourself.
Good luck and let go. Dont send the emails. Just begin to see yourself and where you go from here. I promise you- you will come out ahead with peace. x
