Emotional Detachment - The only way out of a BPD relationship?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Now that I have been divorced for nearly 9 months, I'm finally taking the time to process some of the emotional aspects of how my life has changed and the impact that a failed marriage can have financially, socially and the concepts of rebuilding a life that was traumatic, yet predictable in nature.

I've come to realize that throughout the pre-divorce and divorce process that I garnered a great deal of strength by removing the emotional attachments and energy that dominated my relationship with my ex... This was reinforced by therapy, a support structure of friends and family, the gym and steadfast mindset that took on this project like a multi-million dollar deal that was on the table.

I started with basic assumptions:

1) I was not responsible for her condition. She is miserable while she is with me, was miserable before me, and in all likelyhood will be miserable after me. This is fact that will not change.

2) She never has shown empathy for me, and despite all of my efforts to make her see the light, will never show empathy towards me.

3) She will never be capable to raise a child, and doing so would ruin the child and make our lives even more unbearable.

4) Her form of love is not true love. She does not love me. She loves the way I can make her feel. She only loves within the context of what's in it for her. This is not how I define love.

5) She will always be verbally abusive and will never accept the fact that I am an imperfect human being.

Once I was able to accept these statements as fact, I was able to emotionally detach from the relationship. I stopped enabling her rages, acted as if I they didn't matter. I no longer screamed, replied to illogical discussions, or sugar coated my responses in the face of rage. I made a single statement that I stood by - "I am willing to extend this relationship if AND ONLY if you commit to weekly therapy tailored for your mailaise. No more couples therapy, no more beating around the bush. Accept that your past was turbulent and deal with it"

I guess my point to this is that does it a take a clean mind, one that is rationalizing the split and reality of the relationship to not only emotionally detach but to have a healthy outcome? When she realized that she couldn't emotionally manipulate me she moved out, much like I had suspected. We have been NC ever since

[DC Daniel]

Now that I have been divorced for nearly 9 months, I'm finally taking the time to process some of the emotional aspects of how my life has changed and the impact that a failed marriage can have financially, socially and the concepts of rebuilding a life that was traumatic, yet predictable in nature.

I've come to realize that throughout the pre-divorce and divorce process that I garnered a great deal of strength by removing the emotional attachments and energy that dominated my relationship with my ex... This was reinforced by therapy, a support structure of friends and family, the gym and steadfast mindset that took on this project like a multi-million dollar deal that was on the table.

I started with basic assumptions:

1) I was not responsible for her condition. She is miserable while she is with me, was miserable before me, and in all likelyhood will be miserable after me. This is fact that will not change.

2) She never has shown empathy for me, and despite all of my efforts to make her see the light, will never show empathy towards me.

3) She will never be capable to raise a child, and doing so would ruin the child and make our lives even more unbearable.

4) Her form of love is not true love. She does not love me. She loves the way I can make her feel. She only loves within the context of what's in it for her. This is not how I define love.

5) She will always be verbally abusive and will never accept the fact that I am an imperfect human being.

Once I was able to accept these statements as fact, I was able to emotionally detach from the relationship. I stopped enabling her rages, acted as if I they didn't matter. I no longer screamed, replied to illogical discussions, or sugar coated my responses in the face of rage. I made a single statement that I stood by - "I am willing to extend this relationship if AND ONLY if you commit to weekly therapy tailored for your mailaise. No more couples therapy, no more beating around the bush. Accept that your past was turbulent and deal with it"

I guess my point to this is that does it a take a clean mind, one that is rationalizing the split and reality of the relationship to not only emotionally detach but to have a healthy outcome? When she realized that she couldn't emotionally manipulate me she moved out, much like I had suspected. We have been NC ever since

[Starving Artist]

Excellent post DC - its like the wonderful beginings of a blueprint/How to guide for leaving and rebuilding.

[ReallyNow?]

Emotional Detachment?

Is it the only way to move on? Yes, I think so!

Your grasp of the essential elements in these quasi-nebulous relationships is inspirational. You nailed it down and I have to agree with you fully.

These people CANNOT and will not give unconditionally. Once we can fully grasp the futility of our actions and cease to blame ourselves, ONLY then will we detach emotionally. I'm getting there myself!  

It's interesting, the more time away (NC)- the more I think of how I'd never treat someone the way I was treated. When I think of this, It makes me FURTHER DETACH and realize the EX was "highly" out of order. Ultimately, It will make me "appreciate" that next person in my life that can FULLY reciprocate the love I'm willing to share.

Stay the coarse my friend! You sound like you are evolving out of this FOG so many of us are trapped in.    

[Freckles14]

DC - thank you for letting me know there is hope for me. Your ex and mine must've been twins in another life time. He was exactly the same.

[DC Daniel]

Thanks -

Just remember to stick with it. It took me three long years to reach this point.

[bluelotus9]

Excellent post DC Daniel - like a light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel... .

[RedRightHand]

Great post.

I am a little over a year out and I still struggle with emtional detachment vs. intellectual detachment... .if that makes sense?

Intellectually, I know and accept what happened. I know what I must do.

Emotionally, I still feel an attachment and am still grieving the ambiguous loss associated with her almost appearing like two people... .a Jekyll/Hyde sort of thing... .BPDs can appear very wonderful in the beginning when they need to seduce you to hook you and can be very cold and cruel once they paint you black.

[DC Daniel]

Great post.

I am a little over a year out and I still struggle with emtional detachment vs. intellectual detachment... .if that makes sense?

Intellectually, I know and accept what happened. I know what I must do.

Emotionally, I still feel an attachment and am still grieving the ambiguous loss associated with her almost appearing like two people... .a Jekyll/Hyde sort of thing... .BPDs can appear very wonderful in the beginning when they need to seduce you to hook you and can be very cold and cruel once they paint you black.

But that assumption implies that they have control over you and their personality... We know that they are unable to regulate their moods or reactions...

Therapy really helped me see her for what she truly was and to intellectually make the decision that I had no choice but to leave... In fact my therapist challenged me on several occassions by almost mocking her responses to me... For example my ex would say, "I'm sick of living with you" and I would enter meltdown mode. My therapist advised me to say, "Ok so do you want to get divorced"... Once I applied normal human logic and response to our situations I was able to further make the break when I got the typical BPD responses...

The Jekyll and Hyde sort thing that you describe has more to do with us than with them. In my humble opinion, of course.

[RedRightHand]

But that assumption implies that they have control over you and their personality...  

I did not intend to imply this at all. I am sorry if I was unclear in my communication. How did you come to that assumption?

The Jekyll and Hyde sort thing that you describe has more to do with us than with them. In my humble opinion, of course.

I believe it has to do with both of us plus the fact that they are mentally ill and I was writing it from my point of view, hence the word "appear" which does have to do with us as it is our perception. On the flip side is their behavior. I believe that their behavior comes from their black and white thinking and view of the world. When they see us as white or good, they think we are the best ever and it shows in their behavior through mirroring and then when they split us black or bad... .we are in their perception the worst ever and there behavior changes accordingly. The reality is a personality disordered individual that is repeating dysfunctional cycles, but to us nons who have not yet seen the whole cycle, that individual "appears" to change.

[Believe]

4) Her form of love is not true love. She does not love me. She loves the way I can make her feel. She only loves within the context of what's in it for her. This is not how I define love.

Wow. What a powerful statement. So true. So, so, so true. THANK YOU for articulating this. It resonates with me in a such a healing way. THANK YOU.

[mindful]

Great Post.  Particularly found enlightening... .

4) She loves the way I can make her feel. She only loves within the context of what's in it for her. This is not how I define love.

[seeking balance]

Fantastic post

[DC Daniel]

4) Her form of love is not true love. She does not love me. She loves the way I can make her feel. She only loves within the context of what's in it for her. This is not how I define love.

Wow. What a powerful statement. So true. So, so, so true. THANK YOU for articulating this. It resonates with me in a such a healing way. THANK YOU.

Thank you... Once I realized that she didn't truly love me, it became a lot easier to let go... In all honesty the hardest part for me was letting go of the notion that I was her protector and caretaker.

[DC Daniel]

But that assumption implies that they have control over you and their personality...  

I did not intend to imply this at all. I am sorry if I was unclear in my communication. How did you come to that assumption?

The Jekyll and Hyde sort thing that you describe has more to do with us than with them. In my humble opinion, of course.

I believe it has to do with both of us plus the fact that they are mentally ill and I was writing it from my point of view, hence the word "appear" which does have to do with us as it is our perception. On the flip side is their behavior. I believe that their behavior comes from their black and white thinking and view of the world. When they see us as white or good, they think we are the best ever and it shows in their behavior through mirroring and then when they split us black or bad... .we are in their perception the worst ever and there behavior changes accordingly. The reality is a personality disordered individual that is repeating dysfunctional cycles, but to us nons who have not yet seen the whole cycle, that individual "appears" to change.

Gotcha... But imagine if we had established boundaries immediately... Not after the first few BPD "episodes", but lets say 6 months after they started... We enabled the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome by allowing our values and "normal" human interactions to get trampled on, and instead begged and pleaded for our BPD partners to see the light... Which they did for a short period of time until the next inevitable and unnecessary blowup...

If we had stood firm in the face of those rages, I guarantee you that they would have run away from us far sooner... Imagine how your ex would have responded to a firm, " I will no longer tolerate your behaviors and mood swings, especially if I have done nothing wrong" and you actually stood by that with conviction? The cycle would have never really had the chance to continually repeat itself... Hence, we ultimately played a huge role in enabling it.

[OriginalofSpecies]

Imagine your best friend in a position with a BPDgf, you saw he was down and in a no win stuation... maybe he is being cheated on, or maybe she is just straight up cold and abusive... What would you tell him ? Now, remove yourself from your BPD situation, as if you are your own best friend... what advise do you give to you, the best friend... .get her/him help ? be there for her and continue to enable bad behavior ? Things are so bad, they can only get better ? Nope, it would be, come on, you don't need this. Let's find some of the things you liked to do back when you were normal... .The things he/she programmed you to feel guilty about that were just normal everyday things you enjoyed that didn't hurt anyone... the things that although they are gone you still feel guilty about doing because of some stockholm syndrome you are still encapsilated in... I do what I want now,and steer clear of clingy idealizing behavior... I get to know people, and the friends I turned my back on, because I allowed myself and my BPD to make me weak... .yeah, they were still there with open arms, they cared about my best interests and brought me back in, no questions asked... Love em all !

[DC Daniel]

Imagine your best friend

I'd abuse him worse than his BPD spouse or GF... It would be endless ribbing if he stuck around a BPD mockery like my ex-wife... .

Then again, my ex-wife and I were masters at masking the madness for the first several years... .Friends that weren't that close to us always commented on how we seemed to be the most loving couple they had ever encountered and were shocked when we got divorced... When we were on, we were on hard... And when we were off, it was equally as bad... Over the years the "off" times started to outweigh the "on" times by a factor of 3:1

[seeking balance]

Then again, my ex-wife and I were masters at masking the madness for the first several years... .Friends that weren't that close to us always commented on how we seemed to be the most loving couple they had ever encountered and were shocked when we got divorced... When we were on, we were on hard... And when we were off, it was equally as bad... Over the years the "off" times started to outweigh the "on" times by a factor of 3 : 1 :D

So true!  We could fake it so much that I believed it too, maybe it wasn't so crazy... .

[MikeL]

DC - One more time, great post!

Emotional detachment for me started in a very interesting way.  I used to always react passionately to her ups and down and I thought I was the one who needed help.  One day, I woke up early morning when she was raging and just felt tired and empty and didn't have any energy to react.  In a strange way, it felt good.  She was in a disbelief that I was not reacting anymore.  So she went to seek a T for us and complained she was not getting enough 'love' and 'attention' from me and that's why she is so sad

They are just Professional Victim Con Artists.  Nothing more.

[Lost72]

Great post DC.  I stumbled upon it when I really needed to read it.  I'm away visiting family right now and just got off the phone with my uBPD gf.  She had a rage over the phone, blaming me for being a horrible bf and leaving her alone.  Your post got me out of my anxious mind set for the time being.   

[DC Daniel]

Great post DC.  I stumbled upon it when I really needed to read it.  I'm away visiting family right now and just got off the phone with my uBPD gf.  She had a rage over the phone, blaming me for being a horrible bf and leaving her alone.  Your post got me out of my anxious mind set for the time being.  

Sorry you are still going through this... I'm glad that I can help. I can't help but think of all the people going through this alone, with no idea of what BPD is or the wonderful resources available.

Hang in there and DON'T let her ruin your time with your family. I know how hard it is to be present when you are dealing with a crazy person on the phone, but try hard to enjoy your time with people that truly care about you.

[OnceConfused]

DC Daniel:

YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED.

[RealEyes]

Great post.

I am a little over a year out and I still struggle with emtional detachment vs. intellectual detachment... .if that makes sense?

Intellectually, I know and accept what happened. I know what I must do.

Emotionally, I still feel an attachment and am still grieving the ambiguous loss associated with her almost appearing like two people... .a Jekyll/Hyde sort of thing... .BPDs can appear very wonderful in the beginning when they need to seduce you to hook you and can be very cold and cruel once they paint you black.

But that assumption implies that they have control over you and their personality... We know that they are unable to regulate their moods or reactions...

Therapy really helped me see her for what she truly was and to intellectually make the decision that I had no choice but to leave... In fact my therapist challenged me on several occassions by almost mocking her responses to me... For example my ex would say, "I'm sick of living with you" and I would enter meltdown mode. My therapist advised me to say, "Ok so do you want to get divorced"... Once I applied normal human logic and response to our situations I was able to further make the break when I got the typical BPD responses...

The Jekyll and Hyde sort thing that you describe has more to do with us than with them. In my humble opinion, of course.

When the ex did his last breakup moment with me n our 3rd month, i'd had it by then, he did say he was going to get over it, that i did something to him again but right now he didnt want to see me, so i text him to tell him i was going camping and hiking with an ex, just letting him know i too was done. He went into the most manipulative phase i've never seen in an Adult but more of a child in an Adult body trying to get 'even' with me now and to make me "regret it", what i was doing to now detach for good from him. I still care for him, worry about how he is dealing with his mental illness but with having a RO between us now, i am able to heal, for i still yearn how we both experienced each other when he too was yearning me like i did him, i just dont trust him anymore, he has become a forbidden toxic fruit i can not consume if i want to remain sane and healthy going into my 51st b-day on the 31st. Texting is an amazing technology when one has to ween themselves off from someone else i have found out now:)! We don't have to hear or see them anymore!

[toughday]

DC - One more time, great post!

Emotional detachment for me started in a very interesting way.  I used to always react passionately to her ups and down and I thought I was the one who needed help.  One day, I woke up early morning when she was raging and just felt tired and empty and didn't have any energy to react.  In a strange way, it felt good.  She was in a disbelief that I was not reacting anymore.  So she went to seek a T for us and complained she was not getting enough 'love' and 'attention' from me and that's why she is so sad  

They are just Professional Victim Con Artists.  Nothing more.

This is really interesting. Early on in my RS with my EXBPDgf we had an altercation. She got angry about a minor thing when we were camping. it was my fault and she was in a rage. Before i had always responded and reacted angrily and fought my corner trying to get her to see sense and logic. This time i was tired and had just been out with mates and i just detached from it all and just let her shout. i didn't join in i just watched. She stopped being angry and actually smiled and played the incident down. the next day she said that was the first time she thought we weren't going to make it as a couple. Purely because i wouldn't play along with the game. By not reacting to her from her perspective it was demonstrating that maybe i didn't love her?

who knows, all i know is i should have seen this as one of the many red flags that were flying right in front of my eyes at the time and ran a mile.