possible?

[have gone nc]

Is it possible to have just a sexual relationship with a pwBPD without getting all the BPD stuff thrown at you or would that be seen as a form of intimacy by the BPD which would trigger?

[cmk]

I don't think so. I have been sleeping with my ex-BPD-bf for the last 6 months since we have broken up. He has a new gf who lives with him, and we have slept together about once a week on average.

We broke up. He told me he met someone 2 days later. We continued to talk, text and email each other. We started sleeping together about 3 weeks after we broke up. I still love him and was unwilling (stupidily) to give him up,thinking "well we can still have sex, at least." We always had great sex.  Unfortunately, his behavior has become more and more erratic. He won't split up with his gf. He won't address the problems we have had. He tries to impose controlling rules on me. One day it is ok to text, the next it isn't. He will call me 5 times in one day, but the next time I try to call him, he ignores me.


I have been slowly trying to disengage and have NC. The longest we have been NC is 2 weeks, which is the longest we have been NC in the over 2 yrs we have known each other. I am trying to give him up totally. I am working with a therapist because I know it is un healthy to still love/want him. He is my addiction.

[have gone nc]

I was thinking more if the dynamic was the other way around and you have a partner but your "fling" is a pwBPD... .

[2010]

When two people mirror each other's rewarding behavior- and one of those people has a personality disorder- trouble looms ahead. Depending on the severity of the disorder, one or the other cannot relate except in terms of their own self-image- which is mirrored by the partner. One person or the other requires perfect responsiveness. One person or the other projects and identifies with a good "object." The minute that object is distant or withdrawing- the faster the person with the personality disorder will devalue them- while claiming a sense of entitlement. What's left is to project rage and anger on to the withdrawing object and go looking for a new rewarding object.

In The Search for the real Self, Masterson writes:  "In order to avoid the anxiety provoked by the thought of a relationship, borderlines can resort to "distancing behavior" by picking partners who are seldom around and "clinging behavior" by creating instant intimacy with sex.  Unfortunately, immediate casual sex does not lead them to greater intimacy. Instead, people in such relationships tend to be self-serving, using the other person to gratify their own needs. There is no honest commitment based on knowledge and understanding.

In many Borderline relationships, a partner who is only partially accessible is preferred. One who lives a considerable distance away or is only available on weekends or works a lot or is married. In fact, Borderlines have antennae a mile long listening for subtle cues dropped in early chance meetings with potential lovers that indicate they are not available for a full time relationship.  At first mention of the fact that a prospective lover works a lot, lives out of town, or is married- conditions that would discourage a normal person from getting hopes up for a lasting relationship- the borderline grows interested. This is just what a borderline needs. Borderlines begin their affairs of convenience, unconsciously blinded to the fact that they have embarked on a dead-end course.

Knowing that the relationship has no future makes it uniquely attractive to borderline lovers because both partners know that they are freed from having to relate to each other on a realistic level and hence are freed from the separation anxiety that activating their real selves would entail. What they are left with is freedom to indulge in romantic feelings and fantasies about the other. Borderline patients can also indulge in intense rounds of sexual activity. The sexual intensity masquerades for real intimacy and usually succeeds in seducing the borderline into thinking that the relationship is actually working.  There are endless variations on this theme. Some can respond sexually only to partners they are not emotionally involved with, while others get serious only about those with whom they are not having sex. Some individuals function well only where there is no continuity at all, such as one night stands." ~James F. Masterson

It's important to note that Borderline personality is fantasy based- and fantasy always clashes with reality in the case of personal boundaries.  You could be sharing a borderline partner with more than one lover. For all you know there could be many more.

[Devin78]

Expect that famous 3 word phrase to get tossed out during one of your *encounters*.

[cmk]

What three word phrase?

(I'm sorry, I 'm confused?)

[cmk]

2010, Great post.

I have no illusions or expectations that I am the only one he is fooling around with.

[David Dare]

3 word phrase = I Love You

[Devin78]

3 word phrase = I Love You

Bingo 

[Benny]

Ive said it before and I'll say it again, BPD is the disorder that exists to deny itself.

Any relationship with a bp,whether it be sexual or not will be deeply hurtfull and problematic in the extreme, just stay the f**k away unless you actually enjoy the drama and pain and if you do enjoy it then take a good,hard,long look at yourself, IMHO.

[left4good]

I'd be more apt to think it was the non that couldn't handle it being strictly sexual. 

As much we wanna pin the crap on them because of their illness,  it's not all them.

Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with anyone, BPD or not, without one party getting involved emotionally?

Left

[Devin78]

I'd be more apt to think it was the non that couldn't handle it being strictly sexual.  

As much we wanna pin the crap on them because of their illness,  it's not all them.

Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with anyone, BPD or not, without one party getting involved emotionally?

Left

True. Eventually someone falls in love. Or thinks they are in love. I know alot of professionals believe that a BPD chooses a partner based on certain qualities. From what I have seen it seems to be the quiet, non confrontational, or even submissive type personality that gets targeted. Never heard  of a type A personality being involved with a BPD. So what I'm trying to say is I agree with left in that it isn't just them. Thats why we must look inside ourselves first and fix whats wrong there and then try and help the BPD.

[Freckles14]

I agree with 2010 and Devin. Oh heck, everyone!  ;p  My ex is getting to me right now and I'm having a very hard time fighting it. I know all he wants is a non-committal, sexual relationship with me - which is impossible for me and he knows it. We both know how to push each other's buttons. He powers over and I submit. I've been 50 days NC and lately have had to endure him being "around" more at work. It is killing me. I know it is dumb but part of me is aching to make contact. Bottom line is still the same though. I swear, I hate this.

[cmk]

Strangely enough, I am NOT non-confrontational. I am not quiet. I am a fiery tempered Greek!  That was a big problem for us. I frequently called him on his crap. He never changed anything, but when we first started our relationship and I was idealized, he tried to be a "good" boyfriend. Long enough to suck me in. And yes, I fell in love.

Anyhow, I still sleep with him. I still love him. But I have no desire to have a relationship with him. My therapist says I have intimacy issues too. Which I think I do. I was also married to and divorced a man with BPD and alcohol issues. My mother is BPD and this ex is BPD!

Like I said, it is something that feels familiar to me. And I definitely have had a hard time trusting a love interest and giving myself completely to any love interest.

I don't think I have ever experienced "normal" Love and it is quite sad.

I am working on it.

[MikeL]

No matter how you cut it, sex with a BPD is always going to be toxic.  And the only way to detox is going NC, imho.

[TonyC]

everything has a price... .and nothing is free

[have gone nc]

don't worry people im not looking to do this with my ex, i was just curious as to wether it could be done but its still a " relationship " of sorts... .