Did anyone fight fire with fire?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I did not (fight fire with fire).  It was actually the last straw that made me wake up and realize this person wasn't right.  He began sounding so much like my mom and another past bf from college that I realized my self esteem couldn't (and wouldn't) handle going through a r/s like that again.  That's about when I finally ended things. 

[alig2]

I did not (fight fire with fire).  It was actually the last straw that made me wake up and realize this person wasn't right.  He began sounding so much like my mom and another past bf from college that I realized my self esteem couldn't (and wouldn't) handle going through a r/s like that again.  That's about when I finally ended things. 

[Benny]

I did at times get angry but more often I tried to use rational arguments, hard to do with an irrational person.

My X was adament that she didnt want an r/s with anyone, said she couldnt understand why anyone would want an r/s, always called what we had a friendship.

Heres a typical exchange

Her, " I dont want and never will want a relationship but if I did it wouldnt be with you''

Me, '' Ok, so whats wrong with me then?''

Her, '' Your not my type''

Me, '' So why are you here then,laughing,drinking,listening to music and having sex with me if Im not your type?''

Her, silence,pouting,rolling of the eyes and then ''Because we are friends but your nasty''

Me,laughter, ''you know that that is so irrational, makes no sense''

Her,laughing '' Call it what you like, you know my middle name is deny and I am the queen of self preservation''.

We had this and similar conversations a number of times, she expected me and other men to completely accept her irrational opinions and erratic behavior and to never question her but if you did it was easy to shoot her arguments down in flames but then again they do have a way of getting around that and the dance continues.

[RealEyes]

For me, i countered everything he did to me with common sense acts instead of crazy making acts back at him unlke what i might have done n my wilder 20s into my angry 40s. I haven't second guessed myself at all n my wiser but tenacious 50s after my countering of the madness that came my way, for my body, my health told me what he was doing was wrong and to not look back wondering if it was me. A Judge made it official, for i countered his wild Fire with Earth, Air, Water & Spirit 

[SlipKnot]

there was a time when i truly liked myself and believed myself to be a decent man, better each day as was my intention. not perfect, but someone i liked very much, and whom others would like as well. then i met her. almost from day one, my attitudes toward myself and my life began to change and, when i look back on it now, it was in direct response to her manipulations. she kept things in check well enough that i convinced myself that she could change. i married her and, as if that werent bad enough, i had my first child with her. things started out bad, and continued to worsen and i only truly gave up on her about 5 or 6 years ago, after 9 years of marriage. i have run the gamut of responses, from enabling her abuse of me and capitulating in the worst possible way to fighting back with her own level of poison. enabling her just validates her behaviour while diminishing me in every way. fighting back gives her all the excuses she needs to validate herself, and again diminishes me in every way. the only way to win the war is to walk away. if you dont have kids together and you havent left yet, give your head a shake people. they are insane. there is no way to make them stop, not through rational argument or intimidation or shear luck. you have to understand what is at stake here, and it is not your lameass relationship. stay with an insane SO and you will end up just like them. i am stuck, with no way out, and it is taking all the strength i have left just to make it from one day to the next with my sanity somewhat salvagable. she has not changed in the least and i know for a fact that she can continue like this indefinitely. weird is her cup of tea. its not just the abuse either, which has degenerated into silence (most of the time) but the oddness of life around her. everything inside me makes me want to speak up or do something but voicing my opinions 'sets her off ' and there is nobody of import who will listen or do anything but take her side. i fought back out of a spirit of defence and self-preservation and that makes me different from her BUT, i also hate myself for letting things get to this point; for letting anyone goad me into the actions i have taken, whatever the provocation. i heard this many years ago, at a time when i really had no idea of its meaning "I dont hate you for what youve done to me; I hate you for what youve made me do to you"  although, i can honestly say that i hate her for BOTH reasons. i am labeled an abuser, by her and others. but i will say to you all here and now that i have never felt or acted before, the way i do now. i also never set out to destroy her self esteem. i also have, so many times, shut up and taken verbal and physical abuse without saying or doing anything. i also made the commited effort to make things work many times, and followed through even when she showed no desire to work with me. she has never tried to make anything better. intention has to come into focus somewhere. fighting back comes naturally to me, but i never dreamed that i would fall back on that in my marriage. i have always assumed that a relationship was a place of safety where thoughts of fighting back could never enter. i was wrong. the only positive to come out of all this is that all the achey parts are pretty much numb now. she has done just about all she can do to me and from rock bottom, there is but one way to go. not very healthy, but i am finally bullet-proof.

SK

[ron7127]

Sk, I can relate to much of what you describe. But, I am out, gone, away from her and I am normalizing.

We had kids, as well, and I am finding that thye seek me out for refuge from her. I expect when they are old enough for the court to listen, they may come to me.

At first, I struggled with the concern that I was abandonig them to her. But, I really had no choice, as my XW was having an affair and had decided to leave to be with the guy(lasted about a year before they were at each other's throats).

But, I read a lot by a guy named Richard Skerritt. I began too see that I needed to take care of myself so that I could be there for my kids when they need me. And, I have a seperate residence where thye have a safe haven from her.

I would encourage you to consider getting out. Once you are away from the madness/abuse, life, gradually, improves.