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Author Topic: Ever get the feeling that we NONs are entertainment for a BPD partner?  (Read 1562 times)
brenbabe
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« on: October 02, 2010, 02:19:12 PM »

I was remembering how when I first met my ex he said he found me so entertaining and was so facinated with me. That was back before he ruined me and  I became all full of loving feelings and boring to him. Maybe we should be more boring in the beginning of a relationship, lull them to sleep and then run for our lives.
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OverBoard
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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2010, 04:40:20 PM »

my exBPDNPDbpgf... told me in the beg., "Once things get boring, or settle and I am bored... I'm done"... mmm...

Boring... when you form a relationship and now have obligations, home to maintain, job losses and searched, pets, bills... boring... then it was like she NEVER wanted to do or go anywhere unless it was high maint. shopping for her, all for her, everything for her... it was not boring. When a month of having to hold back financially would happen to get caught up... it was boring... "others NEVER made me worry"... others? You mean all three of your failed marriages and several failed relaitionships leaving others in financial ruin?

If it was a bar... .it was not boring... I was praised as though I bought her the moon. go figure.
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2010
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« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2010, 04:56:59 PM »

Excerpt
he found me so entertaining and was so fascinated with me.

Actually, you found yourself entertaining and fascinating because you were mirrored by a person with a personality disorder.  He just pinpointed with accuracy what you wanted to feel about yourself- and he manipulated you into thinking that he was *the only one* who saw that and appreciated it. That's not true. Now that he's gone, you're left to think that you'll never find someone like that again. Also, not true.

There are so many difficult things when we try to heal from these traumatic relationships, but there is one that keeps showing up in posts, and that is: mirroring.  Mirroring is a skill that's honed by people who have hidden agendas. Once you recognize the symptoms of PD mirroring, you'll stop yourself from being hooked into it.

We each assume (we don't even think about it, it seems so obvious) that we are unique and special, that they "loved" us because they saw in us our true personality, the caring, fun, sincere, amazing people that we are.  They loved us because of who we are; we are unique, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, courageous, perhaps their soulmate and true love.  Because we assume this, when they leave us and replace us so easily we are confused and traumatized.  

For a long, long time we persist in believing that they really, truly "loved" us, and only us, and that they will eventually come back to us because we are the right one, the perfect mate for them, because they loved us for our special and unique qualities that they will never find in anyone else.

What is hard to accept is that this person we wait for has a personality disorder.  Yes, they desired and wanted us, but they desired and wanted others too.  We were not desired or "loved" because of our uniqueness or special qualities.  We were just another bit player in the script.  The next person that enters stage right thinks the same thing we thought.  

This "stand-in" replacement believes that the bPD "loves" them because of their uniqueness.  The next victim assumes that the bPD had a rotten relationship with us, that we were not a good match, and that the borderline discovered them and realized that they were a better match.

We are all "loved" in the sense that we are desired as objects that provided something for them.  Cluster B people (the Histrionics, Narcissists and Borderlines) have a hidden script running underneath their emotional resonance table. They follow that script.  All they need are bit parts (that's you and me) to fill up their stage.  Once you realize what script is playing, you'll recognize the behaviors that come along with it and you'll see what part you are to play.

In the case of the Narcissist, the show is all about them.  The bit players are there to witness a monologue and just fill the stage.  Narcissists are highly in tune with the needs of other Narcissists, and will suffer through another Narcissists monologues because they expect the same consideration in return.  The Senate floor is a good example of a pathological Narcissistic Space (PNS) IN other words, the Senate floor is a fine theatre stage. In that arena, there's allot of jostling for who gets the monologue. Believe me when I say, this is no different in a marriage with a Narcissist.

Although the Narcissist picks people who are each different from one another, and each person believes that they are being chosen because of their special, unique qualities, from the point of view of the Narcissist picking the bit players, you'll all do the job equally well if all you do is admire, adore and listen. (BTW, Borderlines know how to admire, adore and listen)

In the case of the Histrionic, the theatrical show is all about *proving* to others that the World revolves around them- so the bit players are there to listen to a soliloquy. A soliloquy is different from the Narcissist's monologue because the Histrionic relates every thought and feeling to him/herself and to an audience *without addressing* any of the other bit players.  To a Histrionic, the World really does revolve around them- but only to provide drama and attention.

Although the Histrionic picks people who are each different from one another, and each person believes that they are being chosen because of their special, unique qualities, from the point of view of the Histrionic picking the bit players, you'll all do the job equally well if all you do is listen. (Most people find this taxing and isolating and fail to bond to the Histrionic.)

In the case of the Borderline, the theatrical show is hidden- except to the Borderline. The script is all about proving to hypercritical parents and *themselves* that they are good. The bit players are there as stand-ins for those very people who are criticizing on the tape that plays within.  That critical inner tape could be a monologue from a Narcissistic parent or it could be a soliloquy from a Histrionic one. It could also have been a parent with their own hidden tape playing- which made it even more confounding to the child.  Either way, the tape is an inner script that reflects punishment.  Thoughts of persecution and annihilation are looping over and over again on a critical inner dialogue. (That's why it's called "Borderline" as it's said to be on the verge of a psychosis.) The Borderline has critical voices inside their head.  Functionally and structurally all is intact on the outside.

So the stage is set and you are the stand-in for the parent. You are mirrored, mimicked and adhered to- in order to keep you on the stage in center spotlight with the Borderline. Every quality you love about yourself is lit with a spotlight.  You are adored, admired and being led, much the same way as a Narcissist giving a monologue. You are now sharing center stage thinking that you are admired and "loved."  But it's all a ruse.  You soon find out that the qualities that got you there are now being twisted.  You soon find out that to get you where they want (center stage) they had to lure you- but you're not playing you anymore- you're playing their parent. They needed you as a stand-in so they can re-work the drama and blame you for everything that's happened in the past.

So frustrating how "alone" they can really leave us, center stage and in their spotlight.  Idea  :)on't let it fool you. This wasn't about you. It was about them. Let them have their blame. Let them have their psychosis. It's not yours. You will get better. Eventually you'll see how this happened, and you'll recover. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. These are highly toxic people even in very small doses regardless of their label.

(In the words of poster named Alamobelle:)

I hope you were able to resist the impulse

you will never get what you want and need

from a Borderline -

its not there to give.

Trust that

This is a battle for sanity

and one of you

will lose theirs -

please don't let it be you.

When you eliminate the wingnuts

it makes a space for kind nurturing people

to enter - make the space

for real love and kindness

to come into your life

    it does exist ... .really
Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



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brenbabe
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« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2010, 05:20:40 PM »

Very compelling 2010 and makes perfect sense, thank you for that. I find it interesting that although I didnt know the woman he was interchanging me wth personally, I find out that she was alot like me. Caring giving loved children and family, was outgoing like me also even worked in the child development field as I do. Ok so this is going to get wierd, she looked like me also, very similar. If you look at my post of my story in the newbie area youll read the story of her recent tragic death the same night and time the BPD left her to return to me.

he interchanged us a few times leaving me for her and vice versa. I must have been blind cause I didnt see it as a pattern till her passing. As far as the exBPD's parents go, father died suddenly when BPD was 7 years old. Mother was distraught and left with two small children and took out all her emotional fustration on my exBPD. telling him he was just like his dad and worthless. at age 14 she threw him out of the house onto the street and he was homeless, hooked up with an older man that taught him how to steal cars and sell them. He has not spoken to his mother or sister since he was 14. she has made no attempt to contact him or him her.  I see everything you discussed in him, bits of all the types and I do see how he was turning me into the mother. He would always say " take care of me" to me. the raging didnt start till very recently and immediatly I ended it, no contact since and I have no desire to make contact. I am done.
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Blythe1976
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated from BPDh on August 14, 2010, then re-engaged for a few weeks after that, and finally left for good on September 11. Just trying to get by hour by hour, day by day...
Posts: 338


« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2010, 01:10:22 PM »

2010, another fantastic post from you!

As for whether we are our BPDs' "entertainment," I'd guess yes, in the sense that we are "toys." But more than anything we are a supply source for their bottomless pit of wants, needs, demands, and insatiable egos. My BPDh always made me feel like a captive audience, being forced to listen to his loud, booming, obnoxious voice pontificate about EVERYTHING (my BPDh is also a level 9 Narcissist—he has all nine traits of NPD). Even during the year that the abuse died down, I still always felt drained of my energy, because he's a nonstop attention-seeker. We could never get through watching a movie without him pausing every few minutes to give his commentary. Yeah, they're vampires, and we're the blood source.
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brenbabe
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2010, 01:31:42 PM »

Mine liked alot of attention too. Liked me to listen to his complaining for hours about how disatisfied he was with everything in his life . Funny thing is his life is pretty damn good. Hes one of the small percent of the population thats model gorgeous body and face and doesnt haveto work at it at all.  Has a job as an auto mechanic for ford motors, and hes really good at what he does. Lives at home with grandparents for free in a mansion in the mountains on acres of beautiful land, they have so much land they drive golf carts around it. He had a fantastic girl that loved him (me) . hmm I dont see what there is to complain about for hours.
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needPeace
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« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2010, 02:55:38 AM »

2010! Oh my - amazing! Thank you so very much.

That really clarified so much for me, thanks for shedding so much light on a topic I have been really battling with for a long time... .

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