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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Life after  (Read 317 times)
Vatz
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 559



« on: February 19, 2020, 08:08:50 AM »

Hey guys! It's been so many years since I have posted and I want to talk a bit about the process of healing and moving on after a relationship with my former BPDSO. Get ready guys, it's storytime.

So, I'm out of the relationship and have been for 7 years now. I lost over 90lb and now work as a personal trainer to help others.
The weight loss was such a huge achievement, but I didn't want to end it there. In November 2020, I competed in my first Bodybuilding show. I caught the bug and am now prepping for my next show.

I've been in several other romantic relationships since then. Some were great, all of them failed for their own various reasons.
Thing is, there is lingering damage from my BPDSO and it has affected my relationships. I tend to always wait for the other shoe to drop, and other times I shut down any emotional talks because that PLEASE READ is scary. According to attachment theory, I'm mostly Anxiously attached but I also see a lot of Avoidant patterns which definitely makes things difficult.

Here's the crazy part though. I'm not really thinking so much about my BPDSO and just kicking myself for not getting out and staying out sooner. The things that seemed to matter so much with this person mean nothing. I dated other people, I have brand new regrets and am pining after different people now that they're gone. Everything from back then seems kind of small now compared to the life I'm living now.

I plan on getting a van, getting it converted into a home and move to California.

The most important thing is I'm starting to see the value in loving myself for "who" I am and not what I am. Now that my appearance is more aligned with the vision I've had for myself (though I'm still constantly working on and maintaining it and it's still not what I had hoped for) I can actually peer into the person inside who got me there, and who survived what had happened all those years ago. The person that went from obese to a bodybuilder, the person who said he'd become a personal trainer and DID it. Now the person who is about to embark on a life he's always wanted. A life of adventure. I am a man who never once stopped chasing my dreams, I pushed through and never gave up. Never surrendered and never stopped trying. I refused to let the world beat me into submission. I might have made mistakes, lost my nerve at times, and fell into several spirals of depression and suicide ideation. Every time I got back in the ring and did it all over again. I'm slowly reclaiming my identity, I can be the person I wanted to be but couldn't back then because I was afraid I "couldn't get away with it" or "it would look stupid on ME in particular." That's just outside. Inside I'm learning to be more grateful to the little kid inside who always kept pushing, who always kept telling himself "someday I will be stronger." The kid that wanted to go out and live an interesting life, to live on his own wits and answer to no one. That's still me and I'm so grateful for never losing that light that's always burned in me.

I still have a lot of anxieties. I'm learning I have just an overall fear of women due to trauma and rejection (not just by potential romantic partners, but teachers and authority figures as well while growing up, lots of instances and I really don't want to post them all here.) It's kind of silly because seriously, I can get up on stage and be judged for my body by a panel of strangers while being blinded by lights. But the thought of looking a woman in the eyes and talking or flirting turns me into a big quivering pile of fear.

Everything from back then seems kind of small and far away now. There are definitely lingering effects of the trauma that I'm really only beginning to unpack and deal with. But I will so that the next person I choose to get involved with gets the best version of me. It's Wednesday morning, and I'm better off than I was all those years ago. I live a different life and it's even about to get more interesting. In some ways I'm still the same person, I'm just a much better version of that person.
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Stjarna
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 113



« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2020, 02:52:28 PM »

I remember you, Vatz!  It is so good to hear from you!  I applaud you for taking charge of your life.  You sound like you are in a very good place right now.  And from what I am reading, you have identified the lingering issues (gosh, we all have them!) and have figured out a way to keep moving forward despite them.  That in itself is so awesome!  I am very happy you came here to post.  I mostly read the board from time to time (7 years out from my divorce from BPD husband) and don't usually post my thoughts as I have a hard time articulating them sometimes.  But I saw your name and immediately remembered you and wanted to wish you the best going forward.  You've got this!
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11080


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2020, 10:10:18 PM »

Hi Vatz! Good to see you check in, and with a testimony. Best wishes on your journey to Cali. I'm planning on my own exodus when I'm done co-parenting the pups in 10 years... Turkish time.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
ArtistGuy70
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2020, 06:23:35 AM »

Good job!
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