BPD traits alive and well . . .

[grimalkin]

After reading for the last couple of months about BPD, I realized to my horror that my last relationship brought out my own BPD traits.  I had BPD when I was younger, as my mother has the disorder.  I thought I had worked through these problems on my own and had not had an episode for many years.

Well, here comes my knight in shining armor.  He entered my life as my SO 14 months ago.  I think our relationship was doubly intense because lo and behold, my sleeping monster was awakened.  I became jealous, fearful, empty, resentful, somewhat emotionally manipulative and helpless, believing that the relationship would "save" me.  I even cut myself-- bad-- about two months into the relationship.

Now, my question is, I never devalued my exBP and I haven't yet, even after the extreme abuse and the breakup (never devalued anyone, actually, and maintained close friendships throughout).  I never saw things in black and white.  I USED to be like that when I was young, but even my relationship with my exBP never brought that out.  Was I just mirroring?  Does that happen to people, when they're in relationships with someone with BPD?  Is it just the unstable nature of the relationship that brings these traits out?  Or am I falling back into behavior patterns I used to feel more comfortable with when I was less functional?  Did I somehow feel that being that way would help, or make him think I understood his emotions and could relate?

I'm confused by all this.  For the record, now that I'm away from my exBP, I don't feel those things anymore.  It was all in relationship to him, and him only.

Grim

[gutzgutz]

Grim...

I am not a therapist, but maybe it brought some memory back and you rehearsed some actions you did a long time ago, as they seemed to work then. Maybe a little relapse. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are feeling better now, you make such an effort and you are so aware of yourself and what you are doing.

It seems to be that people with BPD are not really aware of what they are doing.

Be kind to yourself.

I had a time there I thought I was mad. My therapist pointed out two things:

One that he thinks that I suffer from something like PTSD because of all the stress I went through and he also mentioned carefully (and I have some difficulties with this) Stockholm Syndrome. My uex was mentally and verbally abusive.

[grimalkin]

Wow.  Stockholm Syndrome.  That sounds pretty dead on to me.  I was happy when my exBP was happy, and grateful when he wasn't punishing me.

Grim

[2010]

I never devalued my exBP and I haven't yet, even after the extreme abuse and the breakup (never devalued anyone, actually, and maintained close friendships throughout).  I never saw things in black and white.

Seeing the good in people is a fine quality. It is something that psychologists call vulnerable narcissism. It is a term used by charities to profile "givers" and is also a crucial part of jury selection for defense attorneys. Unfortunately, it also has it's drawbacks, because not everyone in the World is good and thinking so is polarized thinking.  That's the definition of black and white thinking.

Thinking that all people are good is a way to counteract "splitting" against yourself. In other words, if I'm good, then other people are good too. When other people act badly, they are still good, they've just made some mistakes.  When other people continue to act badly against me, they've just made some mistakes and I will point that out to them. It's at this point that we have a problem, because of the failure to address the bad as it is, not as it will become (which is good.) Instead of seeing the bad and getting away from it, a critical decision is made that I will teach them what good is, because they are good and I am good and the World is full of good.  When other people continue to act badly even after I've taught them that they are good, then I start to feel badly in thinking that maybe I am faulty in my teaching of good. You can see where this can go on and on unless the concept of bad is actually determined and accepted as bad.  So this is a way to think in black and white, but it leans to the white side- and it does that because of childhood dynamics, especially if you were taught to be the peacekeeper.  In between this black and white is grey: a term called cognitive dissonance.  

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.  It is in this state that most people try to help their BPD partner to become good again and return to "fix" their issues.  The desire really is all about not feeling badly about oneself, which is what thinking in all white (good) or all black (I hate this person, they're bad) does.  Eventually the hope is to think in Grey, that everyone has good and bad traits including yourself and that means letting go of the outcome of your partner because it's not within your power to change them. The only person you can become is yourself, and that should allow for the failure to help others.  

[grimalkin]

I never saw my exBP as all good.  I saw the good and bad in him, as I do in most people.  It takes a lot for me to see someone as all bad. 

Grim

[gutzgutz]

2010 - This is a really interesting post. Vulnerable narcissism. Hmm.

I have a bit of the leaning towards the good in people, though i am not too naive and see the so called bad, too.

Anyway, some food for thought. Thanks.

[Goose]

I'm with you grimalkin. Through the first 1 year with uBPDxbf I was a nutjob to be honest. Difference between him and me was that I woke up one day sick and tired of myself and I changed, without much trouble, I figured I had a choice to make about what person I wanted to be. I was very jealous, afraid to be abandoned, push/pull and without much emotional maturity (in the sense that I could control my emotional outlet) and he shared this dynamic. I taught myself to actually question my own feeling (ie if I felt he was with someone else I now didn't take it as a truth - I took it as my own insecurities and fears surfacing and accepted them).

I think you changed yourself to fit the situation like you did when you was a child, a kind of survival mode.

[grimalkin]

I'm with you grimalkin. Through the first 1 year with uBPDxbf I was a nutjob to be honest. Difference between him and me was that I woke up one day sick and tired of myself and I changed, without much trouble, I figured I had a choice to make about what person I wanted to be. I was very jealous, afraid to be abandoned, push/pull and without much emotional maturity (in the sense that I could control my emotional outlet) and he shared this dynamic. I taught myself to actually question my own feeling (ie if I felt he was with someone else I now didn't take it as a truth - I took it as my own insecurities and fears surfacing and accepted them).

I think you changed yourself to fit the situation like you did when you was a child, a kind of survival mode.

Yeah, I was sick and tired of who I was, too.  I could feel the change in myself when I was with him.  I kept thinking "This isn't me!"  I'm not a very jealous person, or insecure, for that matter.  Being with him brought out the worst in me, in a lot of ways.

Survival mode-- I agree.  I did often feel like I was a naughty little girl.  I hadn't felt those feelings since I actually *was* a child.  In retrospect, I think maybe it all stemmed from never knowing where I stood in the relationship, because it was always one crisis after another.  In the beginning I felt very secure, but as time went on, and the bull___ became more frequent, I really had no idea.  His behavior went from utter devotion to unpredictable mood swings, like my mom.  So it makes sense that I would fall back on old habits.

Grim

[Matt]

Grimalkin,

Were you diagnosed with BPD way back when?  And did you get therapy then?

I'm not sure if there's a good way tell if you have BPD, or if you have picked up some behaviors and ways of thinking from your mom, without maybe some professional advice about that.

My adult son was raised only by his BPD mom, and had some of the behaviors well into his twenties, but when he was away from her, and went through rehab for substance abuse, he was able to get rid of them pretty well, so I don't see him as "BPD".  It might be good to sort that out for yourself if you haven't already;  maybe being around someone with BPD brings out traits from being raised by a BPD sufferer?

Best,

Matt