The Narcissist-Borderline Relationship

[ex_bf_worried]

Does anyone have an idea how these r/s work? I am picking up that new guy has these tendencies. If so this is a match made in heaven. I would however love to microwave some popcorn and watch this dynamic play out.

[2010]

ex-bf-worried,

You could speculate on this, but it keeps you attached in a way that's focused outwardly in anticipation of her failures. If this occurs then she's either moving on to someone else or she's involved in some reunion fantasy with you. That's where your focus should be and that's the next step. A reunion with her either happens or it doesn't, but in the meantime, it's keeping your attention in an obsessive distraction from your own pain. That pain and subsequent fear of what will happen when you let go of her (and the reunion fantasy) has to be addressed.

I just wrote about fantasy on another thread concerning "intimacy." Could you take a look at it? Your idealized self is what keeps you connected to this girl.  That's also what keeps the new boyfriend hooked as well. Depending on the denial of reality, the process may take more or it may take less time than it happened with your involvement with her- but you cant stick around to watch the crash and burn. You have to begin to discover what made this relationship so important to you and get an idea before she reconnects. Otherwise you could be on this crazy train for awhile and that makes it harder to figure out. It's easier when you have some distance from each other- and that's now.

[ex_bf_worried]

One of my greatest fears is reconnecting. I just may go back with her.

[innerspirit]

One of my greatest fears is reconnecting. I just may go back with her.

It's a rough spot to be in.   x 

For me it was literally breaking the addiction to the obsessive thinking, which was like the challenge of "whatever you do, don't think about an elephant."  Which of course brings to mind the very thing we're trying to avoid thinking about.

So much mental/emotional energy was devoted to X -- I remember the anxiety at first of trying to find other thoughts to fill that space in my head.  It was a sound of one hand clapping kind of dilemma.  The more I let go of the anxiety, the more I realized that I was giving room for new life, restored life to naturally fill that void.  Or that the void in itself was safe and OK -- I didn't have to be clenching my fists to prepare for the next crisis.

I think your fear is protecting you, and the fear will gradually morph into a more peaceful wisdom which maintains your healthy distance.  I believe that's really the voice inside you that is talking, the fear is just the emotional zone we stay in for a while.

Be gentle with yourself -- and post as much as you want to.  We're here to listen and support.

[have gone nc]

Im going to be honest with you mate. I actually hope there relationship last a long long time. This may sound real nasty but its not... .honest. The reason i hope it does is so you can get healed up real good so you dont let this woman back in... .you seem like a guy that deserves so much better than what she put you through.

[JWS]

ex-bf-worried,

You could speculate on this, but it keeps you attached in a way that's focused outwardly in anticipation of her failures. If this occurs then she's either moving on to someone else or she's involved in some reunion fantasy with you. That's where your focus should be and that's the next step. A reunion with her either happens or it doesn't, but in the meantime, it's keeping your attention in an obsessive distraction from your own pain. That pain and subsequent fear of what will happen when you let go of her (and the reunion fantasy) has to be addressed.

I just wrote about fantasy on another thread concerning "intimacy." Could you take a look at it? Your idealized self is what keeps you connected to this girl.  That's also what keeps the new boyfriend hooked as well. Depending on the denial of reality, the process may take more or it may take less time than it happened with your involvement with her- but you cant stick around to watch the crash and burn. You have to begin to discover what made this relationship so important to you and get an idea before she reconnects. Otherwise you could be on this crazy train for awhile and that makes it harder to figure out. It's easier when you have some distance from each other- and that's now.

This is an excellent post and fits my situation to a T. I am seriously moving towards the letting go stage but still find myself thinking about it a great deal. It amazes me their power. I think they know it too.

I am damn sure that it will be a cold day in hell before we ever re-connect and if we ever do run into each other I would have to look at her if she addresses me and say "excuse me do i know you?"

The crazy train is right! It's her spirit I was attracted too. loved it! But man it was really in a heap of hit_ and badly broken I am amazed that i didn't see, I just saw the exuberance. Now i also see the downside of it and the painting of black and it's like totally blotting out any good feelings i have for this person. Ok i love the exuberance great quality, but does it take over all the thoughts of how hit_ed up this was? No!