Family Systems

[qcarolr]

on the subject of NC ... .no contact... .

i have been thinking about this a great deal lately as many parents seem to take this route... .(perhaps because i am in a different place and my d14 is still a dependant, i don't have that option).  i understand that NC may be necessary while working on learning the skills, achieving personal excellence, becoming a healthy person/parent, however, if one has achieved all that and is able to deal w/whatever is thrown at them, is NC just a way not to deal... .not to have to use those skills which you possess?  can one be healthy and operate in the most excellent way to the point that no matter what their kids/spouse/parent says or attempts to do that they can remain grounded and healthy?

THis is a good question to ponder - and as is often the case there is no one answer that will fit every family sitaution. When there is extreme pressure by the others in the family - that are not learning new skills for their own individual recovery - to shift back to their 'status quo' NC may be the only survival strategy that works. The other important piece with our recovery is to use these tools and skills to develop healthier relationships in our new families - to stop the generational aspects of BPD and other mood/personality based mental illnesses. Because even those that do not have the mental illness can take on the characteristics by living in the dysfunction of that family situation.

I could not maintain NC with my DD25 and have be vLC at times. It depends on how strong I am in any one period of time. And how it impacts my own recovery with my bipolar disorder. As a human person it is an impossible goal to be 'recovered' - I can only keep moving along the path towards 'recovery'.

qcr xoxo

[lbjnltx]

I understand your situation with a child.  And I might feel totally different if my pwBPD was my child.  Mine is my parent.

that makes sense... .i have nc w/my bio dad who was not present in my childhood... .i have nc w/him because i get nothing from having a "relationship" w/him.  it is all one sided and shallow.  i have other relationships to tend to that are much more reciprical!  is he disordered? probably.

I've spent my life trying to make her happy and failed just as recently as two days ago,

i understand your need  to please and keep peace to try to improve the relationship... .and i also understand that we don't have the power to make anyone else "happy".

while she continuously works at eroding my boundaries

i am definitely a big believer in firm boundaries... .it is where we find our personal power and keep vigilance over our own lives!

It depends on how strong I am in any one period of time. And how it impacts my own recovery with my bipolar disorder. As a human person it is an impossible goal to be 'recovered' - I can only keep moving along the path towards 'recovery'.

yes, as human beans we are all fallible and fall short at times.  you bring up an interesting point about recovery... .is there such a thing as "recovered" from BPD or bi polar... .if one looks at these disorders from a biological perspective, then if "healthy chemical/brain activity" is achieved over a long period of time, then could one be considered "recovered"? w/BPD... .if one changes thier thinking, achieves consistant wisemind, and then healthy coping/behavior is achieved over a long period of time, are they recovered?

getting off topic "family systems" a bit here... .yet... .as the article says, it is all relevant and intertwined.

lbjnltxs

[Sir5r]

Homeostasis is a system in a state of balance in biology there is also the concept of feedback wherein a system out of balance triggers an event to return balance.

The example used mostly is high blood sugar triggering the Pancreas to produce more insulin to balance the system and how in Diabetics the system can't return to a balanced state on it's own.

BPDs lack the resources to return to a "baseline" or balanced state on their own and are lacking the emotional feedback to return to a stable emotional state, I'm a way they are "emotionally hyperglycemic" and have a "emotionally hypoactive Pancreas."

We as Non's are their Emotional caretakers (insulin shots) until they can control their own emotional state.

Psychology texts point to these systems of emotional control systems and the neurological locations within the brain as well as the neurochemical substances that are lacking in Borderlines and other Cluster B PD's.  There has been genetic research performed and a gene has been identified, but Cluster B PD's are more complicated then just heredity. 

Just think of a family where 50% of the household or greater has the gene and the familial interaction compounds the problem greatly.

My in-laws are an example of such a family.

Sir5r

[qcarolr]

Homeostasis is a system in a state of balance in biology there is also the concept of feedback wherein a system out of balance triggers an event to return balance.

The example used mostly is high blood sugar triggering the Pancreas to produce more insulin to balance the system and how in Diabetics the system can't return to a balanced state on it's own.

BPDs lack the resources to return to a "baseline" or balanced state on their own and are lacking the emotional feedback to return to a stable emotional state, I'm a way they are "emotionally hyperglycemic" and have a "emotionally hypoactive Pancreas."

We as Non's are their Emotional caretakers (insulin shots) until they can control their own emotional state.

I am really beginning to see this with my BPDDD25 - or maybe it is better stated that I am gaining an awareness of this. When she was first evicted from our home and I had a restraining order with phone/text only allowed she kept saying we are her family and she needs a family - how can we have a relationship unless we communicate. I was having to take care of myself without her in my physical presence and maintained vLC with her - ie. hang up the phone when she started yelling, blaming, etc. It has been a long process to accept and not take internally her projections onto me - to be strong enough myself to let her words slide off of my 'teflon mind' and become as dust on the ground. At least long enough to say "I am turning off my phone now and will turn it back on in 2 hours.  We can try again". When DD is in a lower functioning emotional state, she needs some kind of support network to help her get back up. And this is a process that she will endure from outside herself as long as she resists treatment. My hope is she will continue to take baby steps toward accepting treatment options open to her in the community and start to gain some internal cues to help her get back on track. Yet even with this, I think she will always need some external support network to help her 'reset' as needed.

Does this make any sense, or am I just rambling?

qcr xoxo