How best to deal with smear campaign

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

My story is very similar to everyone's here.

In a nutshell my exuNPDBPDbf has been as mean as possible to me throughout this entire ordeal and I have taken the high road (even when I didn't want to).

He:

-had an affair

-left me homeless

-used me for a trip to NYC (physically too, my intent was to work things out)

-held my personal belongings hostage

-keeps my personal things that he deemed were of value to this day

I had to get a lawyer involved to get my personal belongings last week, to which he basically dumped them in the backyard (how demeaning).

Throughout it all (affair came out in May) I have not lost a single friend, he has pushed any and all friends away that he deems 'on my side' and has labelled me a liar and blames me for losing friends.

Last night I lost the first friend on facebook (he deleted me) I'm guessing in response to whatever the ex is saying about me going to a lawyer to recover my things.

Any advice on how not to take this personally as well?

[lets]

Hi everyone,

My story is very similar to everyone's here.

In a nutshell my exuNPDBPDbf has been as mean as possible to me throughout this entire ordeal and I have taken the high road (even when I didn't want to).

He:

-had an affair

-left me homeless

-used me for a trip to NYC (physically too, my intent was to work things out)

-held my personal belongings hostage

-keeps my personal things that he deemed were of value to this day

I had to get a lawyer involved to get my personal belongings last week, to which he basically dumped them in the backyard (how demeaning).

Throughout it all (affair came out in May) I have not lost a single friend, he has pushed any and all friends away that he deems 'on my side' and has labelled me a liar and blames me for losing friends.

Last night I lost the first friend on facebook (he deleted me) I'm guessing in response to whatever the ex is saying about me going to a lawyer to recover my things.

Any advice on how not to take this personally as well?

[RowJimmy]

Dealing with smear campaigns is one of the hardest parts of disengaging from a borderline.

The problem we have is that you know, and we know that everything he is saying about you is pure manipulative lies because of a mental illness.  But nobody else knows that or understands BPD in the slightest.  Other people just dont get it.  They dont ever see the side of pwBPD that we do.  To them, it will sound like you are just trying to make HIM look bad to cover your own ass.

Anybody that is worth having in your life would not just dump you as a friend without at least getting your side of the story.  So if somebody asks you about stuff he is saying, then I would try to explain things as best as I could.  Other than that, I would just leave it alone and try to start moving on with your life.

[lostoc]

Anybody that is worth having in your life would not just dump you as a friend without at least getting your side of the story.  So if somebody asks you about stuff he is saying, then I would try to explain things as best as I could.  Other than that, I would just leave it alone and try to start moving on with your life.

Indeed. These people aren't "friends." Why do you need someone in your life who just tosses you aside like trash 'deleting you" off their internet website friend space.

I wouldn't worry about a smear - anyone WORTH knowing what really happened knows already, correct? Moving along then... .

[BillP]

It is sad, but with these smear campaigns, it seems like any attempt to refute or reclaim your reputation is futile.

My ex's friends have not contacted me in any way, shape or form. My guess, they bought into whatever the ex said, hook, line & sinker. Just like yours truly did. N/C is the strongest method when combatting these ppl, but it's not the sole tool at your disposal. Where I live, I'm bound to run into the ex, her friends, or ppl we both know. How they act around me or deal with me will definitely let me know how big the smear campaign is.

Just keep your chin up, and remember what kind of person you're dealing wiht here. A mentally ill person who does not conduct themself in a rational manner. Best of luck.

[lets]

Thank you!

I noticed I had been deleted last night and am now just waiting the his dad and the rest to delete me- it hurts because I know they are all lies.  I talked to my T about this exact topic on Saturday and he said it would be coming that the ex is most likely saying I'm crazy and projecting a bunch of things on to me.  I thought I was prepared but when it happened I was thrown for a loop.

Would you recommend replying at all to the guy that deleted me or just chin up, high road?

[lostoc]

Would you recommend replying at all to the guy that deleted me or just chin up, high road?

Out of the 50 some odd family members and friends i met through my ex, only 2 I cared about. Her aunt and uncle. I sent them a message and said "Thanks for everything" and talked about how much fun I had with them over the years.

I didn't mentioned the divorce, or problems or tell them I thought she may be smearing me. I just said "thanks."

For everyone else I didn't really care. They WILL side with her, regardless of what I say or do. If they want to know my side they will ask - but they won't. I didn't marry her friends or family and sure there were good times. But it's part of the process. I lose them too and frankly that's fine - if I have to have 10 million people hate me for doing what I HAD to do to save my life... so be it. ESPECIALLY if they just "delete" me out of their life. Then what do I care?

If it was me I would just move along.

[phuzion]

I was worried about smear campaigns too but it doesn't appear she is going there and, honestly, there were maybe two things I said that she could use against me but, anyway, on to my point... .

My point here is to say that illusions vanish in the face of truth.  I have full confidence that the truth will prevail in light of a smear.  Then, they fall deeper after the truth does come out.  And what happens when their 'friends' find out the truth of who they are?  That's not to say that all of them will but to let everyone know, relax... .the people worth having a friendship with will listen to you and make their own judgment. 

The only person you need to be sure knows you are a good person, is you.

[lets]

Thank you for the wonderful advice! 

I guess I need to develop a tougher skin

[Ritchie53]

Hi everyone,

My story is very similar to everyone's here.

In a nutshell my exuNPDBPDbf has been as mean as possible to me throughout this entire ordeal and I have taken the high road (even when I didn't want to).

He:

-had an affair

-left me homeless

-used me for a trip to NYC (physically too, my intent was to work things out)

-held my personal belongings hostage

-keeps my personal things that he deemed were of value to this day

I had to get a lawyer involved to get my personal belongings last week, to which he basically dumped them in the backyard (how demeaning).

Throughout it all (affair came out in May) I have not lost a single friend, he has pushed any and all friends away that he deems 'on my side' and has labelled me a liar and blames me for losing friends.

Last night I lost the first friend on facebook (he deleted me) I'm guessing in response to whatever the ex is saying about me going to a lawyer to recover my things.

Any advice on how not to take this personally as well?

No contact does a lot to defuse smear campaigns. Typically the borderline will fire these across social media, very damaging as it like a soap box for their craziness. If you remain calm and level headed it does blow over as even the BPD will see no logic in continuing it once it has zero effect. Stay loose, hang tough and ride it out.