Can she be a BP Waif without the lying or cheating?

[blueyedguy]

First off thank goodness I have found this site. Without it i don't know what i would do trying to work through this break up.

My question is can a BP Waif still be just that without being a liar and or cheater? I'm convinced now my ex is a Waif borderline. She fits all the criteria i have read about here except she wasn't a liar or a cheater. Now she probably told some lies but nothing extreme at all and im sure she didn't cheat.

She had told me she acquired Herpes2  when she was drugged and raped by an ex bf. She was very scared  of passing that to someone, at least that is what i believe. She dis trusted men immensely. She always said they were all just after sex and what they could get from you. She never flirted, at least that i ever saw.

Now after our split she told my daughter on facebook that she will never welcome another man into her life. She has no trust left and nothing to give them.

Any thoughts on this?

[lostoc]

My BPDxw was not a cheater in fact she admired me so much she is a clinger. She would NEVER cheat. She also didn't lie about big stuff, just how she felt or what she was doing etc. But never lied about crazy stuff.

[2010]

She had told me she acquired Herpes2 when she was drugged and raped by an ex bf.

There's allot going on in that sentence.

[ArtistGuy70]

I hate to say it but you'll never know the truth. Pick your own truth and start to accept it. I do not know one hundred percent if my ex was unfaithful but it seems like the likely scenario (considering she kept her r/s with her boss secret, prevented me from ever meeting him, kept me away from company parties at XMas, ran off with him after our breakup, accepted many things from him over the years, etc.).

Married, older, rich, unavailable and perfect for a borderline. More reward, less risk emotion wise.

[2010]

Married, older, rich, unavailable and perfect for a borderline. More reward, less risk emotion wise.

I think it's also important to note that the circumstances, while different, each lead back into a failure of responsibility to Borderline self-respect. Waifs may have respect for their rescuers at first, but that is because the rescuer eliminates the necessity for the Waif's self-responsibility- which is what she fears the most and causes her great anxiety. The anxiety that she feels is relieved, if only for a moment- until it is replaced with the idea that she is controlled and a kept prisoner.  That idea of reference then becomes the excuse for her failure to "become."  It is then that she considers the attachment cruel and punitive, without any way to escape. That's where getting high and sleeping with a Boyfriend without a condom becomes "getting drugged and raped and acquiring Herpes2."

The twisted logic she uses helps remove a residual feeling of her immense failure to self actuate and declare herself solo.  Borderlines live with two part-time selves: the good self and the bad. When the good self is compromised, she then splits off the failure to protect herself and casts responsibility on to the Boyfriend, who then wears the bad she feels about herself and is split as a rapist, drug pusher and disease ridden scum.

The new rescuer, being told this story- projects good onto her. She feels good. He feels good and the process begins again.

[1stand10]

My BPDxw was not a cheater in fact she admired me so much she is a clinger. She would NEVER cheat. She also didn't lie about big stuff, just how she felt or what she was doing etc. But never lied about crazy stuff.

Almost the same situation.  I don't believe my uBPDw cheated.  At least I'd like to think that she didn't.  But the only thing for sure is that no conversation ever went there.  She is also a super clinger.  She literaly has to be touching me every moment we are together but it isn't because she admires me.  She says that it is for her well being.

Also, to my knowledge, she doesn't outright lie.  She either twists the truth to her version (which she believes is the truth) or she comes right out and says what she wants with no tact and no care for what her words mean to others.

[sparky]

2010... .thank you for this!  I copied it into my journal - priceless    Your post was more suscinct (sp?) than I've ever read before regarding this behavior.  Thanks   x

My ex (of 11 weeks now) is a male waif, diagnosed BPD.  We had a very intense (duh!) 2 yr r/s with BPD and I would've sworn on a stack of bibles (and I'm not a religeous person) that he never cheated on me... .turned out, he was with another woman for the last 5 months of us!  And I'm no spring chicken, been around the block a time or two... .I was extremely  shocked when the truth came out.  Don't underestimate them!  Then (same day) I learn he's been faking a serious medical condition known as 'hydrocephalus'... .water on the brain... .for the last 2 months together, in and out of surgeries/facilities, almost dying from anesthesia, strokes, fatal dehydration and psychotic behavior you wouldn't believe, faked texts/emails from doctors and make believe women - all lies!

My point is DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE BPD... .especially if there's aspd (aka psychopath)/NPD comorbid - deadly     

[sunrise2010]

Married, older, rich, unavailable and perfect for a borderline. More reward, less risk emotion wise.

I think it's also important to note that the circumstances, while different, each lead back into a failure of responsibility to Borderline self-respect. Waifs may have respect for their rescuers at first, but that is because the rescuer eliminates the necessity for the Waif's self-responsibility- which is what she fears the most and causes her great anxiety. The anxiety that she feels is relieved, if only for a moment- until it is replaced with the idea that she is controlled and a kept prisoner.  That idea of reference then becomes the excuse for her failure to "become."  It is then that she considers the attachment cruel and punitive, without any way to escape.

The twisted logic she uses helps remove a residual feeling of her immense failure to self actuate and declare herself solo.  Borderlines live with two part-time selves: the good self and the bad. When the good self is compromised, she then splits off the failure to protect herself and casts responsibility on to the Boyfriend, who then wears the bad she feels about herself and is split as a rapist, drug pusher and disease ridden scum.

The new rescuer, being told this story- projects good onto her. She feels good. He feels good and the process begins again.

That's the picture of my ex.

When I took responsability for his life at the beginning it was good, unless in the end he felt engulfed (that's what he told me). At the same time if I didn't take the responsability of his life (thing that at a certain point I avoided because I was tired) I was bad and not taking care of him, and in the end he told me this, that I disappointed him. So, he felt engulfed and at the same time disappointed because I didn't take care of him enough. Which are two things which are the opposite. How can it be? It's something I don't understand.

In the end, nothing works.