BPD Hermit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok, I have read, and read, and read trying to understand the behavior of my exUBPDgf.  I just read an article on the boarderline WAIF.  When I read about the Hermit... .Now I understand her... I don't know why it is so important for me to understand her now that things are over but I had to. 

She has two college aged kids.  During the summer when they are home from college if we were sitting and talking and she heard a fire truck she would text both boys to make sure they were ok.  She immediately feared the worst.  She would CONSTANTLY read stuff into emails or text messages from me that simply were not there.  She broke up with me 8-10 times when she "thought" something was wrong.  I could go on and on... .god I would love to sit and talk to her kids about what THEY  have to deal with.  I know they both call her EVERY NIGHT to check in (one of them is a senior in college).

She was always changing plans.  If I made plans for us to do whatever, she would do things to make sure that we couldn't do it.  Instead we would just end up staying home, or going for a walk.  Soon I realized that my friends were pretty much gone... all I had was her, and my own kids.  I think she even became frustrated with my kids because they "took away" from her time.

I emailed one of her kids after we broke up and I was struck by something he said back.  He said "thank you for making my Mom happy for the past two years"... .I interpreted that to read "thank you for making my Mom happy and keeping her off my back for the past two years"

[Tincup]

Ok, I have read, and read, and read trying to understand the behavior of my exUBPDgf.  I just read an article on the boarderline WAIF.  When I read about the Hermit... .Now I understand her... I don't know why it is so important for me to understand her now that things are over but I had to. 

She has two college aged kids.  During the summer when they are home from college if we were sitting and talking and she heard a fire truck she would text both boys to make sure they were ok.  She immediately feared the worst.  She would CONSTANTLY read stuff into emails or text messages from me that simply were not there.  She broke up with me 8-10 times when she "thought" something was wrong.  I could go on and on... .god I would love to sit and talk to her kids about what THEY  have to deal with.  I know they both call her EVERY NIGHT to check in (one of them is a senior in college).

She was always changing plans.  If I made plans for us to do whatever, she would do things to make sure that we couldn't do it.  Instead we would just end up staying home, or going for a walk.  Soon I realized that my friends were pretty much gone... all I had was her, and my own kids.  I think she even became frustrated with my kids because they "took away" from her time.

I emailed one of her kids after we broke up and I was struck by something he said back.  He said "thank you for making my Mom happy for the past two years"... .I interpreted that to read "thank you for making my Mom happy and keeping her off my back for the past two years"

[PhoenixBorn]

I know you have been through a rough time, but my gut instinct with this board is... .it is dangerous to interpret.  Maybe because my x did that constantly and was so wrong!  I guess what I am trying to say is we all see things differently and maybe he did or did not mean your interpretation?  Just a thought... .

[2010]

Hi Tincup,

            Hermits are distinguished in two subsets of the DSM manual. Borderline Hermit and the Schizoid personality. Some say that Ted Kaczinski, the unabomber was a Schizoid.  He lived in the woods in a log cabin and didn't have any friends. His interpersonal relationships were lacking, but the irony of this is that nobody noticed until he started sending bombs.  Otherwise he could have lived in the woods alone and no one would have noticed. Schizoids are cold and aloof. They do not do warm and fuzzy.

The Schizoid side of Borderline however, does have close relationships, but not with more than one or two people, including family members.  These few relationships are their only interpersonal interaction and they are tied into split images- One image is rewarding, where the reward is the Hermit's total obedience to them as an on-call 24/7 compliant object.  The other is withdrawing, without any use for the Hermit's submission.

When this dynamic is activated, the individual feels related to the other but at the price of feeling like a prisoner- always hiding, fearful and trapped- using deception to fend off anxiety. The overriding anxiety centers around being controlled and ultimately engulfed with a total loss of identity.

These feelings are largely defended against and only surface when the hermit takes on a challenge of leaving the fantasy world of being kept as a slave and goes out into the real (external) world.  The predominant and almost continuously self activated withdrawing image of the person who wants to take the Hermit into the outside external universe is seen as dangerous, devaluing and depriving. (Lucky you.)

The self representation of the Hermit that is linked to this feeling is therefore one that must be protected to ward off criticism and ridicule for their self-concepts, which they see as abuse from you. The feelings linked to this criticism are "not free" to rage against the prisonlike quality associated with the rewarding object (thats you) but rather are directed at the self in exile; isolated, marooned and totally abandoned by you -because you do not understand that "out there" (the real World) is out of control.  Isolation and staying at their "station" is much safer.

Schizoids have a difficult time in group settings. (i.e, public)

"The dilemma or compromise to fend off the anxiety is to be neither too close and precipitate fears of entrapment and enslavement, nor too far away and trigger feelings of alienation and exile. To defend against these fears the Schizoid will substitute fantasied or imagined relations for real relationships.  These revolve around caricatures of real relationships, romance that reads like a Harlequin novel, sado-masochistic fantasies, or gross distortions of real relationships that render them non-threatening through role reversals.  :)ominance and submission are major themes.  For example, the hermit becomes obsessively infatuated with another and will often harass the other in a sadistic, ritualistic and controlling manner, and in so doing identify with the intrapsychic aggressor. " (Masterson 1988)

[Tincup]

These feelings are largely defended against and only surface when the hermit takes on a challenge of leaving the fantasy world of being kept as a slave and goes out into the real (external) world.  The predominant and almost continuously self activated withdrawing image of the person who wants to take the Hermit into the outside external universe is seen as dangerous, devaluing and depriving. (Lucky you.)

Lucky me indeed... .Anytime she would get stressed, or her world would change, I would get crushed.  I think the worst part was I would notice her world changing and then have to "wait" for my punishment. 

She only has a couple of close friends, and she has two boys.  I think these people were always safe from her.  Meaning I don't think she would be able to survive if she cut those 4 people out of her life. 

This past breakup I could feel bubbling up life lava in a volcano.  In a 6 week period she had a medical problem, changed positions at her work (she is very much into routines), and her youngest child left for college.  All of this left her struggling internally until she lost it with me about 6 weeks ago. 

I've never dealt with anyone as frustrating to deal with as her.  She would not even talk to me (in person or phone).   

She also ALWAYS had a need to try to label our relationship.  Because I have kids and she chose to not be a part of my life when I have them WE did not see each other as much as we wanted to.  She would always try to say we are just friends with benefits in this case.  She would say this because she knew I would do everything I could to spend more time with her. 

I really think she measured TIME spent together as the measure of the relationship.  If we spent 24 hrs a day sitting on a couch not saying a word to each other that would be good in her eyes.  As opposed to spending quality time together enjoying things that we both enjoy.  TIME meant everything to her, and since I could not spend all my time with her it caused "problems".  In some ways I would rather have had the direct rage instead of the emotional abusive that she gave.

[2010]

If we spent 24 hrs a day sitting on a couch not saying a word to each other that would be good in her eyes. 

One image is rewarding, where the reward is the Hermit's total obedience to them as an on-call 24/7 compliant object where the Hermit *follows a routine* that can be counted on.

(she is very much into routines)

the individual feels related to the other but at the price of feeling like a prisoner- always hiding, fearful and trapped- using deception to fend off (strike that) - using routine to fend off anxiety.

She would always try to say we are just friends with benefits in this case.

The overriding anxiety centers around being controlled and ultimately engulfed with a total loss of identity.

I've never dealt with anyone as frustrating to deal with as her.  She would not even talk to me (in person or phone).

You are too dangerous now. You represent the outside World that she briefly let in- this confirmed her greatest fear and activated the voice inside her head that is the thought disorder. Without your knowledge, the disorder demanded your unwitting participation. This had nothing to do with you and it had nothing to do with your children. It had everything to do with a repetition compulsion of testing the World without an identity disturbance-which was impossible for her to achieve. If you had known what part you were supposed to play (the trigger mechanism) you might have understood the game- but the game objective was hidden.  It was hidden because it's not normal behavior, it's compulsive.

The disorder was and still remains hidden, with the exception of the controlling aspects she figures will help with her anxiety.  Those are clues to the disorder, even though they look like responsible, organized conduct.  What's underneath counts- and that's the anxiety that puts these routines in place as safeguards. Alas, the safeguards cause more rules and the rules cause anxiety when they are not followed. 

There is nothing you can do about it except understand that it was in place before you came along and it likely will remain after you leave. After awhile you will stop taking it personally and you will heal. Unfortunately for her, she will miss out on the opportunity to be in your life, but the disorder has taken its precedence over rational thought. 

It is a disorder.  It was never your fault. That's just the way it is.

Further reading and the best BPD starter book I would recommend by Masterson: James F. Masterson, M.D. The search for the Real Self. Unmasking the personality disorders of our age.

www.amazon.com/Search-Real-Self-Unmasking-Personality/dp/0029202922/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290116255&sr=8-1-spell

[Applehead]

You are too dangerous now. You represent the outside World that she briefly let in- this confirmed her greatest fear and activated the voice inside her head that is the thought disorder. Without your knowledge, the disorder demanded your unwitting participation. This had nothing to do with you and it had nothing to do with your children. It had everything to do with a repetition compulsion of testing the World without an identity disturbance-which was impossible for her to achieve. If you had known what part you were supposed to play (the trigger mechanism) you might have understood the game- but the game objective was hidden.  It was hidden because it's not normal behavior, it's compulsive.

The disorder was and still remains hidden, with the exception of the controlling aspects she figures will help with her anxiety.  Those are clues to the disorder, even though they look like responsible, organized conduct.  What's underneath counts- and that's the anxiety that puts these routines in place as safeguards. Alas, the safeguards cause more rules and the rules cause anxiety when they are not followed. 



2010- Can you please explain this a bit further bc I'm having trouble understanding clearly what you're saying?  I dated my Hermit over the course of a year and a half. We went on 10ish dates when we 1st met and I was grieving the loss of my exBPDgf Waif that was killed in freak car accident so after the initial dates I told Hermit I wasn't ready.  We kept in touch over phone and went on several more dates 6 months later but she was seeing someone and I never asked her out again bc I ask her to go to ride my jet ski's and she never got back bc of stress with her exH moving out of state bc of her having to take care of 17 and 18 y/o daughters.  Then 4 months later we started dating several times per week for 3 months and communicated everyday.  I asked her upfront if we could just see each other bc of our age and for me not wanting to contract any STD's risking her or me being with anyone else.  I'm super paranoid about that and don't engage in promiscuous behavior!  I made it 47 years clean and feel blessed I made it out of college clean!  She would never agree to being my gf.  We never fought until she dumped me bc she was soo stressed about moving into her good friends house bc of her younger daughter turning 18 and her child support being cut off so the moved was for financial reasons.  We were together those 3 days moving about 16 hours each day.  I did the vast majority of heavy grunt work and she couldn't of done it with out me.  We had trip planned to New Orleans several days later and she canceled and broke up with me out of blue!  I lost almost $3K!  I can't tell you how much stress this move created for her, she was catatonic!  I know all the time we spent together, the guilt she had bc of all I did for her and pressure of move had her taking it out on me not her roommate(bc she needed her for rent savings) and not her daughters either.  She started becoming cold to me the day after move.  I though I would de stress her and I sent her a gift certificate at a spa for a mani-pedi and massage.  Then she told roommate I was to nice!  Unbelievable!  Then I sent her a text several days later about her having a wall up and resenting me for helping her move.  It wasn't attacking and worded nicely.  Then she replied that she never asked for my help(told me how much she needed my help, lie) and that she will not be emotionally blackmailed!  I sent text back and said I was sorry, if my texted was taken wrongly I did not intended for it to be that way and where did that response come?  Then she dumped me and said call her next week after trip.  I called 10 days later and left her vm to call me.  She texted back, I replied immediately and nothing, then I sent her 2 additional texts messages 20 minutes a part bc I never heard back from her.  They just said treat me the way you want to be treated and to plz call me not text bc I wanted to talk. Then she said I was immature for not waiting on reply and never to talk to her again bc I was psycho.  Now she hates me for all of this bc she needed excuse for screwing me over and painting me black for no reason.  Then she blocked me on everything.  2010,How would a Hermit take all of this?

[Applehead]

Tincup, Our stories are almost exactly the same!  Our Hermits exhibit remarkably similar behavior.