im finding it difficult to see whats real and what was fake
Everything you are dealing with is real. It's not going to magically go away with what you do or do not do- this is a disordered person. Your actions are reactions to the disorder. Once you realize how the disorder works, you'll realize how your part is crucial in the feeding of the disorder. Getting pulled into it is really all about how you feel about yourself- and a Borderline will play this dynamic of clinging/distancing with you until it becomes a rope burn on your heart.
Believe it or not, the disorder can be anticipated. It involves you in ways that are easy to see. You are a rescuer. You are kind, capable and since your Father's passing: vulnerable. A Borderline can spot vulnerability from a mile away. The Borderline Waif identifies with vulnerability rather than strength. They project this vulnerability on to you to see how you deal with it. You on the other hand, are seeking an equal; someone whom you can confide in and rely on for emotional support. The Borderline disappoints in this regard and leaves you with a feeling of being taken advantage of- whether it's lending and borrowing, equal share time or just simple compassion. The Borderline moves through these attempts at intimacy and fails to understand your emotions behind them. They are only aware of their own perception of these attempts- which can range from hyper-criticisms to control to fondness that scares them.
Borderlines live in a fantasy World where the Borderline seeks out individuals that are rewarding. Rewarding to a Borderline Waif is finding a person that is also vulnerable yet active in life. They look for people who are capable enough to cling to while giving themselves the idea that they are your savior. The clinging to you is really a morphing of self- a chameleon behavior that seeks to mirror and reward your good so that they will also feel good. That chameleon change gives you the idea that this is a person, somewhat flawed, but with your help and given time and effort- will bloom into a better person. You see yourself as a rescuer, because you , yourself, feel vulnerable and in need of rescue- so you project this on to him. The Waif Borderline relationship starts with mirroring each other- and can be seen in these statements:
in the beginning he couldn't get enough of me even though he lives 60 miles awaybuying the same groceries as me same trinkets etc Unfortunately this disorder, which is sort of a love/hate relationship with the self- becomes activated by your presence and stirs up many reactions to the anxiety. This anxiety needs to go somewhere, so "acting out" behaviors are necessary to bring them to the surface. That's where you become pulled in by fixing. The more you try to fix, the more it creates the need for fixing. I hope that makes sense.
Clinging/distancing behavior probably began before you knew it- and for the last five years you've wondered at times what the heck you are doing wrong. If you've come to the point now where you want to end it- then you have to stop the back and forth and put down a boundary of "the end."
If he has become dangerous, then you need to be honest with yourself about that. If he is giving you the silent treatment, then you can move ahead with no contact. But No contact is your only salvation- your only way to manage the abuse.Your therapist is probably more worried about you getting harmed- than him. You dont seem to be able to break away from an abusive man and instead are continually trying to manage his abuse. That needs to be addressed.
Examples of clinging/distancing in your post:
he owed me i let him stay over clingingbut i knew i was going to end it the next morning distancing he was a mess and to give him another chance and to help him with his issues clingingi said i would give him 2 months distancing one of my terms for reconciling was he had to stop going of with his friends living like a single guy clinginghes off to poland with his friends distancing i told him poland or me clingingBetsy Boo, you could go on like this forever unless you stop and consider what it is that makes you think this isn't a disorder. In therapy, this is called "Folie à deux" where one person who suffers from a disorder infects another- so that the other believes that two are stronger than one and they cannot fight the madness without each other's help. The person infected keeps returning to the person who infected them for answers to the why's of the disordered thought- and those answers are generally a part of the disordered psychosis, that which makes it more confusing and keeps you caught up in the web- none of this allows for free will or independent thought. The only way out of this is not to contact each other ever again. Extricate yourself from the Web. Your F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) will dissipate.
If you cannot do this for yourself, then do this for your daughter.
